"It's like you're in my DNA... is it always gonna feel this way?"
Seriously. I keep wondering...
Why on earth... how on earth... what on earth was I thinking?!
Over thinking? More like over feeling! Or not?
Why is everything so intense when it comes to the subject concerned? And it's not just me. I feel like the whole of the universe and its elements are deeply woven into this connivance... haunting dreams...ethereal signs? Am I to blame it once more on fate?
And it's crazy... seriously crazy... I am tired of asking all the why's.
A year or two and still counting... it seemed like I could not get by without.
What?!... hahahaha! I would just have to laugh it all out.
Fate? Are you the one to blame?
This feeling brings me all the way back to a crucial point in my life, where I acknowledged that I have once again lost in one of my silent battles.
I was sitting and staring at my pen resting on my white arm chair... one minute there, the next minute gone. Footsteps echoing through the halls of E7 5th floor. I remember moving my head as if telling myself off for even considering! ...and then sang my heart out.
"You have... stolen... my heart. You have... stolen... my heart." (Accusing but resigned).
I am moving my head again.
About Me
Monday, December 28, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
painful christmas
Pain makes you feel alive... a dear friend of mine made an excellent point.
Well... if that is true, then I therefore conclude that you make me feel alive.
When I wake up each morning thanking God for another day that I have you... I feel pain when I think of the possibility that it might be the last day.
When I am touched with what you do and say... I feel pain because of the fear that you only meant it at the moment... and that what you said will expire in a given time line.
When you think too much and forget that what I feel for you cannot ever be fathomed and you push me away and make me feel like I'm so easy to ignore... need I say more?
"I need you to know how much I want you. I'm broken, I'm dying. I need you to know how much I want to care... When a thousand years isn't long enough."
Ah... yes. Pain. You make me feel so alive... so alive.
My head throbbed non stop the whole day and my chest and abdominal muscles ached like hell. Haha... so convenient to fall sick on christmas day. Hope I never wake.
"Try, to look at me and really see my heart. Do you expect me to believe, I'm gonna let us fall apart?... It's not supposed to hurt this way, I need you, I need you, more and more each day."
Those songs of the moment again. :'(
By the way... happy christmas.
Well... if that is true, then I therefore conclude that you make me feel alive.
When I wake up each morning thanking God for another day that I have you... I feel pain when I think of the possibility that it might be the last day.
When I am touched with what you do and say... I feel pain because of the fear that you only meant it at the moment... and that what you said will expire in a given time line.
When you think too much and forget that what I feel for you cannot ever be fathomed and you push me away and make me feel like I'm so easy to ignore... need I say more?
"I need you to know how much I want you. I'm broken, I'm dying. I need you to know how much I want to care... When a thousand years isn't long enough."
Ah... yes. Pain. You make me feel so alive... so alive.
My head throbbed non stop the whole day and my chest and abdominal muscles ached like hell. Haha... so convenient to fall sick on christmas day. Hope I never wake.
"Try, to look at me and really see my heart. Do you expect me to believe, I'm gonna let us fall apart?... It's not supposed to hurt this way, I need you, I need you, more and more each day."
Those songs of the moment again. :'(
By the way... happy christmas.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Broken everyday...
Christmas is just around the corner.
I can feel it every morning as I find it hard to get out of the comfort of my ever trustee warm blanket. Plus the fact that my siblings wake the sleepiness out of me before they go to church to attend "simbang gabi". Then when they're gone the coldness would just lull me back to sleep. Haha... tough life. I find it hard to push myself to get out of bed, prepare myself and be off to work.
Always off to work... it's really so hard to live, especially when you feel like you don't have a life to live.
Today became one of those "lambasting days" I spent in PDH. I was so stressed out. My neck literally ached because someone was always breathing behind it. I found it so challenging to smile and spread all the care that I need share. To top it all off, I walked all the way from PDH to SM Bicutan on the way home, because traffic was so heavy... and I needed to walk my frustrations out anyway, so in conclusion, I exhausted all my energies. Hahahaha! The things I do to help myself get by... :')
I think I was hurt... or maybe it was my pride talking. But then, the good side of me won over, so I refrained from being too bitter. Thought of all the possibilities why the one who hurt me, hurt me the way she did. MAYBE SHE'S IN PAIN. Maybe she's suffering so much that she couldn't help but spread her pain to the people around her. Maybe driving innocent people nuts makes her happy. Well, I hope I made her happy. I am sincerely wishing her a happy christmas... hope she feels loved so next time, instead of hatred, she'd be spreading love.
Drama ko noh? Haha!
The thing is... I hope she realizes that she's not the only one who's in pain. She's not the only one whose heart is lonely and broken. She's not the only who is alone and unhappy. There are millions of people in the whole wide world who share the same fate... but some can manage to treat other people nicely. (Lord, I do hope my heart finds it to always put myself in her shoes.)
I am just grateful that I still find the heart to be nice in spite of all the pain I went through. That my mind is sane and unselfish enough to think that even though I am hurt, the world did not have to stop and stand in line for my attention...
...and although most aspects of my life seem to be going wrong... some little parts of it are going right. At least the most important, little, powerful parts. :)
Christmas is just around the corner... so is my heart and the one I share it with.
So bittersweet. :')
I can feel it every morning as I find it hard to get out of the comfort of my ever trustee warm blanket. Plus the fact that my siblings wake the sleepiness out of me before they go to church to attend "simbang gabi". Then when they're gone the coldness would just lull me back to sleep. Haha... tough life. I find it hard to push myself to get out of bed, prepare myself and be off to work.
Always off to work... it's really so hard to live, especially when you feel like you don't have a life to live.
Today became one of those "lambasting days" I spent in PDH. I was so stressed out. My neck literally ached because someone was always breathing behind it. I found it so challenging to smile and spread all the care that I need share. To top it all off, I walked all the way from PDH to SM Bicutan on the way home, because traffic was so heavy... and I needed to walk my frustrations out anyway, so in conclusion, I exhausted all my energies. Hahahaha! The things I do to help myself get by... :')
I think I was hurt... or maybe it was my pride talking. But then, the good side of me won over, so I refrained from being too bitter. Thought of all the possibilities why the one who hurt me, hurt me the way she did. MAYBE SHE'S IN PAIN. Maybe she's suffering so much that she couldn't help but spread her pain to the people around her. Maybe driving innocent people nuts makes her happy. Well, I hope I made her happy. I am sincerely wishing her a happy christmas... hope she feels loved so next time, instead of hatred, she'd be spreading love.
Drama ko noh? Haha!
The thing is... I hope she realizes that she's not the only one who's in pain. She's not the only one whose heart is lonely and broken. She's not the only who is alone and unhappy. There are millions of people in the whole wide world who share the same fate... but some can manage to treat other people nicely. (Lord, I do hope my heart finds it to always put myself in her shoes.)
I am just grateful that I still find the heart to be nice in spite of all the pain I went through. That my mind is sane and unselfish enough to think that even though I am hurt, the world did not have to stop and stand in line for my attention...
...and although most aspects of my life seem to be going wrong... some little parts of it are going right. At least the most important, little, powerful parts. :)
Christmas is just around the corner... so is my heart and the one I share it with.
So bittersweet. :')
Monday, December 14, 2009
And I said...
Those words.
On impulse, sometimes it seems as if my heart controls every bit of muscle in my body. One second of vulnerability is all it takes to sync everything together. My heart and my mind... my heart and my arms... my heart and my eyes... my heart and my mouth.
The heart indeed holds on to things the mind would rather forget.
And I already said all the things I said. I've written all the words that I've written. I cannot take them back.
I don't mean to take them back... because I meant them all.
Just when I think no one can ever understand, the last person I expected to see through me was the one who was able to read between the lines. Sigh... so I guess that makes us even.
And I already said the things I said.
That is what happens when exasperation wins over the will to keep things silent... and when the heart feels nothing but remorse and misery, what else could it do?
What else could it do?
And I already said the things I said...
I spoke of the truth.
On impulse, sometimes it seems as if my heart controls every bit of muscle in my body. One second of vulnerability is all it takes to sync everything together. My heart and my mind... my heart and my arms... my heart and my eyes... my heart and my mouth.
The heart indeed holds on to things the mind would rather forget.
And I already said all the things I said. I've written all the words that I've written. I cannot take them back.
I don't mean to take them back... because I meant them all.
Just when I think no one can ever understand, the last person I expected to see through me was the one who was able to read between the lines. Sigh... so I guess that makes us even.
And I already said the things I said.
That is what happens when exasperation wins over the will to keep things silent... and when the heart feels nothing but remorse and misery, what else could it do?
What else could it do?
And I already said the things I said...
I spoke of the truth.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
As always...
Just me and my heart tonight... as always. :')
I'm not sure if I dreamed all of it away.
*You can say what you want but it won't change my mind, I feel the same about you. And you can tell me your reasons but it won't change my feelings I feel the same about you.*
Run...run... run...
And although my head is bobbing up and down while Texas is singing...
I could only sigh.
The things I get myself into!
Oh well... it's still me and my heart tonight... like always.
I'm not sure if I dreamed all of it away.
*You can say what you want but it won't change my mind, I feel the same about you. And you can tell me your reasons but it won't change my feelings I feel the same about you.*
Run...run... run...
And although my head is bobbing up and down while Texas is singing...
I could only sigh.
The things I get myself into!
Oh well... it's still me and my heart tonight... like always.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
one step forward, two steps back...
Oh no... :'(
I blame it on the tiring times. I blame them for making me feel like I'm drunk!
Out with the truth... my heart did not hold back. I thought I was dreaming but I wasn't. Even my dreams were hunting me! :'( There's just a lot going on that I can't even cry anymore.
But I did cry... for the billionth time. The truth hurts as much as the lies.
I cannot turn my back.
Why, oh why, oh why?... :'(
I blame it on the tiring times. I blame them for making me feel like I'm drunk!
Out with the truth... my heart did not hold back. I thought I was dreaming but I wasn't. Even my dreams were hunting me! :'( There's just a lot going on that I can't even cry anymore.
But I did cry... for the billionth time. The truth hurts as much as the lies.
I cannot turn my back.
Why, oh why, oh why?... :'(
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
grant my last request...
I am so tired. :'(
I feel like all of me is going to break anytime.
And despite of it all, I still find myself every morning alive.
Oh Lord... help. :'(
I feel like all of me is going to break anytime.
And despite of it all, I still find myself every morning alive.
Oh Lord... help. :'(
Saturday, December 05, 2009
notes to myself
- I only exist in my world.
- What I am, is all I am.
- I need to be more insensitive to what I hear and see.
- The less my mouth speaks, the less evil I say.
- If it is God's will that I do what He wants me to do from afar, then so shall be it.
- It is I who wastes my own time.
That again. Every time I get some things wrong I keep singing that to myself.
No, It does not make things better, but I'd like to think all hope is not lost. That I am willing to try again and not give up although I really feel like it.
I don't think I can make it this December. I don't like to say that I can't even though it seems like I just did. Ang gulo ko noh?
Tsk, tsk...
I wonder when this will all end.
So tired of over thinking... and when my mind was flying and I was bracing myself while going up the stairs... haaayyy... an unlikey scenario.
- I am going to stop thinking.
Friday, December 04, 2009
song of the moment
Sigh... :'(
It's my fault that I chose to not like the person I dislike. I know the person did not do anything to deserve such angst from me...
Orange...green... blue... white... gray... red... i hate myself most of all! Even with all this animosity I still get to remember all those colors!!! :'(
I can write all the reasons why I dislike the person I dislike.
Whoever am I fooling? :'(
*at the back of my head def leppard's taunting song aggravates the irritable feeling**
It's my fault that I chose to not like the person I dislike. I know the person did not do anything to deserve such angst from me...
Orange...green... blue... white... gray... red... i hate myself most of all! Even with all this animosity I still get to remember all those colors!!! :'(
I can write all the reasons why I dislike the person I dislike.
Whoever am I fooling? :'(
*at the back of my head def leppard's taunting song aggravates the irritable feeling**
Thursday, December 03, 2009
when i hear that old song they used to play, i begin dreaming... :)
" i woke up this morning and the sun was gone..."
Oh no... I'm still alive. :'(
All is well. I'll keep telling myself that until the day finally comes that it will be true.
"turned on some music, and forget the day..."
I felt so doomed sitting by my usual glass window.
"lost myself in a familiar song, closed my eyes and i slipped away."
Lord please, please, please...
"more than a feeling... more than a feeling..."
How did I sit so still when all I wanted to do was walk all of my frustrations out?!
"when i hear that old song they used to play... i begin dreaming..."
Then came the vision.
Vision? Illusion? Or reality?
My heart skipped a beat.
That look... and then that wave.
I lazily waved back.
"when i hear that old song they used to play... i begin dreaming...
till i see ... walk away."
Hahahaha... Fine Lord. Life is not at all that bad. hehehe. ;) Point taken. :) Thank You.
Oh no... I'm still alive. :'(
All is well. I'll keep telling myself that until the day finally comes that it will be true.
"turned on some music, and forget the day..."
I felt so doomed sitting by my usual glass window.
"lost myself in a familiar song, closed my eyes and i slipped away."
Lord please, please, please...
"more than a feeling... more than a feeling..."
How did I sit so still when all I wanted to do was walk all of my frustrations out?!
"when i hear that old song they used to play... i begin dreaming..."
Then came the vision.
Vision? Illusion? Or reality?
My heart skipped a beat.
That look... and then that wave.
I lazily waved back.
"when i hear that old song they used to play... i begin dreaming...
till i see ... walk away."
Hahahaha... Fine Lord. Life is not at all that bad. hehehe. ;) Point taken. :) Thank You.
Monday, November 30, 2009
dahil sa munting berso
Ilang ulit na nga bang nagtangkang sumubok?
Hindi pa rin magawa.
Pinipilit takbuhan ang katotohanan.
Sa tuwing maririnig...
sadyang nagkikibit balikat.
Marahil nga...
naubos na ang lahat...
Nagdaan ang isang libong mga ilaw
at ang diwa'y nahimlay sa mumunting berso
na animo'y tao kung makasigaw.
Darating ba ang araw
na matatawag kong katapusan?
Sa bawat segundong lumilipas
ay 'di maiwasang naisin
na ang tren na inaasahan ay madiskaril na lamang
matapos lang ang paghihirap na nadarama.
Nagdaan ang isang libong mga ilaw...
Naalala kita.
Hindi pa rin magawa.
Pinipilit takbuhan ang katotohanan.
Sa tuwing maririnig...
sadyang nagkikibit balikat.
Marahil nga...
naubos na ang lahat...
Nagdaan ang isang libong mga ilaw
at ang diwa'y nahimlay sa mumunting berso
na animo'y tao kung makasigaw.
Darating ba ang araw
na matatawag kong katapusan?
Sa bawat segundong lumilipas
ay 'di maiwasang naisin
na ang tren na inaasahan ay madiskaril na lamang
matapos lang ang paghihirap na nadarama.
Nagdaan ang isang libong mga ilaw...
Naalala kita.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
By the Radiology Department Window
"Radiology, good morning!"
Working for eleven hours for three straight days is taking its toll on me. It was a super busy Saturday. I had to be a nurse/receptionist/orderly today. Imagine...orderly! There was this one regular x-ray patient who has this super demanding relative. I mistook her for the doctor! Kung makautos akala mo doktor! And I had to rush back up to the sixth floor then down again on the ground floor. Could not push the wheelchair a bit faster because she would think I was in a rush and I would get a good scolding again. Hahahaha! Hard knocked life it is! The nurse gets to be blamed for everything! Even if it is the radiologist's fault, it will still be the nurse's fault! Aaaaahhhh!!! Hahahaha! I am going crazy! At least I'm not crying anymore.
And this morning, before all the madness began...
Somebody stopped by my window and said hi. :)
" Ngayon lang ako natapos."
It was quarter to eight in the morning, and his shift ended almost two hours ago.
" Hehe, okay lang yan. Maaga pa naman. (Literally)".
Went on to tell his unfortunate funny story...
"Awww... hindi pa rin nahahanap?"
Made a sad face.
Hahaha... That had to make my day. :)
And for the first time ever I didn't see that person I dislike. Yehey! Baka day off niya. Good for me. :)
Working for eleven hours for three straight days is taking its toll on me. It was a super busy Saturday. I had to be a nurse/receptionist/orderly today. Imagine...orderly! There was this one regular x-ray patient who has this super demanding relative. I mistook her for the doctor! Kung makautos akala mo doktor! And I had to rush back up to the sixth floor then down again on the ground floor. Could not push the wheelchair a bit faster because she would think I was in a rush and I would get a good scolding again. Hahahaha! Hard knocked life it is! The nurse gets to be blamed for everything! Even if it is the radiologist's fault, it will still be the nurse's fault! Aaaaahhhh!!! Hahahaha! I am going crazy! At least I'm not crying anymore.
And this morning, before all the madness began...
Somebody stopped by my window and said hi. :)
" Ngayon lang ako natapos."
It was quarter to eight in the morning, and his shift ended almost two hours ago.
" Hehe, okay lang yan. Maaga pa naman. (Literally)".
Went on to tell his unfortunate funny story...
"Awww... hindi pa rin nahahanap?"
Made a sad face.
Hahaha... That had to make my day. :)
And for the first time ever I didn't see that person I dislike. Yehey! Baka day off niya. Good for me. :)
Friday, November 27, 2009
november 27th
Yesterday I almost gave up... and just as I was about to give in, God gave me something wonderful today.
I just got my first ever pay check.
Ang sarap ng feeling. Yung sobrang pinaghirapan ko, nagbunga na. Well, I know, barat ang sweldo ko, but the moment I took hold of my check, I was so proud of myself. Hindi biro ang pinagdaanan ko ha. Muntik na akong umiyak ng dugo...
:)
Thank You Lord for giving me the people I need. I'm thanking You for the following people...
Hay... yes. Today was a happy day. :)
** it would be much happier had I not seen the person I dislike. my shift was about to end, and I was about to make a remark that finally, I would live to get through a day without seeing that person... and then, as if destiny was playing a joke on me, that person suddenly passed by beside me... a glass window kept us apart. oh why, oh why did i glance at the glass window? i was in the middle of doing something and an unexplainable force made me look. i hated it. tsk!there goes my quintessence. grrr...**
Bought ice cream and shared with my family, the little sweetness that is left of life. Someday, I would bring home much more. :)
***Happy birthday Didge. :)***
I just got my first ever pay check.
Ang sarap ng feeling. Yung sobrang pinaghirapan ko, nagbunga na. Well, I know, barat ang sweldo ko, but the moment I took hold of my check, I was so proud of myself. Hindi biro ang pinagdaanan ko ha. Muntik na akong umiyak ng dugo...
:)
Thank You Lord for giving me the people I need. I'm thanking You for the following people...
- My parents... para sa paghatid sakin tuwing madaling araw sa ospital. haha, mahal na mahal nila ako, super ramdam ko!
- Sir Migs... for all the stories he shared, and for showing up just when i needed a friendly company. I will never forget the first time i received my first salary because he was with me. ;)
- Ate Tess (Ma'am Tess tawag ko sa kanya sa hospital, parang joke lang!haha!) ... for always encouraging me and reminding me that I am great and that I can be a good nurse.
- Ma'am Joy , Ma'am Marissa, Sir Vic, Sir Jasper and Sir Joseph... for making me feel so at home. :)
- Sir Alvin... for telling me to not quit at the time when I was so tempted to do so.
- Tin... for being my closest batch mate and for helping me sort out my mishaps. hehe
- Sir Marco, Sir Rob, Sir Manfred, Ma'am Glenda, Ma'am Princess and Ma'am Paula for bearing with me. I was going through a very tough ordeal when I started working, what with all my misfortunes and issues of the heart, and their kindness helped me get by.
- Gina, Ian, Irene, Leony, Daniel, Jeff and Alyssa... for giving me reasons to still work. I have good friends to greet and share my bitterness to. haha
- Sir Smiley... for being so friendly kahit na ang tahimik ko. Sobrang pinagtyagaan akong kaibiganin... at dahil sa kanya, may bago akong natutunan... mas maganda ang araw pag laging nakangiti. :D
- Ma'am Xenia and Ma'am Gloria... for being the most patient charge nurses.
Hay... yes. Today was a happy day. :)
** it would be much happier had I not seen the person I dislike. my shift was about to end, and I was about to make a remark that finally, I would live to get through a day without seeing that person... and then, as if destiny was playing a joke on me, that person suddenly passed by beside me... a glass window kept us apart. oh why, oh why did i glance at the glass window? i was in the middle of doing something and an unexplainable force made me look. i hated it. tsk!there goes my quintessence. grrr...**
Bought ice cream and shared with my family, the little sweetness that is left of life. Someday, I would bring home much more. :)
***Happy birthday Didge. :)***
Thursday, November 26, 2009
plain dislike
The first time we met, it was instant dislike.
There was just something about you that made my heart break all over again. I didn't know what it was. I had no objection about you caring about no one else but yourself. I was more than happy to get out of your way. Go ahead, do what you have to do. Ignore me, so I can ignore you too.
Poor you. I know it is not your fault why I am like this.
How can I possibly make the world bigger for us?
Why oh why can't I look at you without feeling this indescribable dislike?
Why is it that you seem to be everywhere?!
My heart did something that I thought it was not capable of.
The moment I avert my eyes from where you are, there goes my heart again.
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you...
There goes my heart again. :'(
There was just something about you that made my heart break all over again. I didn't know what it was. I had no objection about you caring about no one else but yourself. I was more than happy to get out of your way. Go ahead, do what you have to do. Ignore me, so I can ignore you too.
Poor you. I know it is not your fault why I am like this.
How can I possibly make the world bigger for us?
Why oh why can't I look at you without feeling this indescribable dislike?
Why is it that you seem to be everywhere?!
My heart did something that I thought it was not capable of.
The moment I avert my eyes from where you are, there goes my heart again.
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you...
There goes my heart again. :'(
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Isang Daang Hakbang tungo sa Hinaharap
Sinusubukang pawiin ang pagkauhaw.
Habang papalayo sa itinakdang gusaling
babago ng aking buhay.
Tila napapalibutan ng ulap ang aking paligid...
dahil ba wala ang matapat na katuwang?
'Di bale na.
Hindi dahil malabo ang paningin
ibig sabihin ay bulag na ako sa mga totoong kaganapan
sa masaklap na mundo.
Ang dami kong nais sabihin.
Inom pa ng tubig.
Sa ngayon, siya lamang ang makakapagbigay sa'kin ng buhay.
Alam mo ba...
Sa isang banda...
Huwag na lang pala.
Marahil kasabay ng pagsira ko ng pinto
habang buhay na ring mananatiling tikom ang aking bibig.
Hindi ko maintindihan.
Mahirap na madali.
Habang wala akong sinasabi
wala ring napupukaw na damdamin.
Walang ibang napapansin
kundi ang nasasalubong na mausok na hangin.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mas nasasaktan...
kung anong parte ng kaluluwa o katawan.
Napatingin sa langit.
Gaya ng buhay ko
Nabalot na ito ng kadiliman.
Ang kaunting mga bituing natitira
ay ang aking mga munting buhay na pag-asa.
Nagpakita na rin ang buwan.
Kung dati ang daming kong katanungan idinudulong sa iyo...
Ngayon ay wala na akong tanong.
Para saan pa mahal kung buwan?
Ang mahalaga'y nariyan ka.
Tayo na lang uli.
Kasama ang mga bituin...
ang natitira lamang
ay tanging ikaw at ako.
Ikaw at ako ngayong gabi
at sa mga darating pang gabi ng buhay ko.
Hindi sapat ang aking dala
para ang uhaw ay mawala.
Sa aking tanaw ay tuluyan ng naglaho ang gusaling iyon...
gaya ng pagkawala ng mga pangarap ng kahapon.
Habang papalayo sa itinakdang gusaling
babago ng aking buhay.
Tila napapalibutan ng ulap ang aking paligid...
dahil ba wala ang matapat na katuwang?
'Di bale na.
Hindi dahil malabo ang paningin
ibig sabihin ay bulag na ako sa mga totoong kaganapan
sa masaklap na mundo.
Ang dami kong nais sabihin.
Inom pa ng tubig.
Sa ngayon, siya lamang ang makakapagbigay sa'kin ng buhay.
Alam mo ba...
Sa isang banda...
Huwag na lang pala.
Marahil kasabay ng pagsira ko ng pinto
habang buhay na ring mananatiling tikom ang aking bibig.
Hindi ko maintindihan.
Mahirap na madali.
Habang wala akong sinasabi
wala ring napupukaw na damdamin.
Walang ibang napapansin
kundi ang nasasalubong na mausok na hangin.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mas nasasaktan...
kung anong parte ng kaluluwa o katawan.
Napatingin sa langit.
Gaya ng buhay ko
Nabalot na ito ng kadiliman.
Ang kaunting mga bituing natitira
ay ang aking mga munting buhay na pag-asa.
Nagpakita na rin ang buwan.
Kung dati ang daming kong katanungan idinudulong sa iyo...
Ngayon ay wala na akong tanong.
Para saan pa mahal kung buwan?
Ang mahalaga'y nariyan ka.
Tayo na lang uli.
Kasama ang mga bituin...
ang natitira lamang
ay tanging ikaw at ako.
Ikaw at ako ngayong gabi
at sa mga darating pang gabi ng buhay ko.
Hindi sapat ang aking dala
para ang uhaw ay mawala.
Sa aking tanaw ay tuluyan ng naglaho ang gusaling iyon...
gaya ng pagkawala ng mga pangarap ng kahapon.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
almost there
ALMOST THERE... it was two years ago when these two words became significant to me. Coincidentally, it was also November two years ago that this damned circumstance had to trouble my world.
I'm almost there... almost getting there...
I don't wanna jinx up all my luck, but I have to say that so far, I am liking my week. :) Even though work was as usual, so toxic, I think I'm getting the hang of it. I am not as depressed as I was when I first started. It may be that I am finally starting to adjust with how the whole total patient care service thingy works. Haayy... I gotta keep believing that I am capable of doing what I have to do. I did not pass the board exams for nothing right? I got to start somewhere. Another cliche: No pain, no gain. :)
I am almost there. Smile. :) Thank You Lord that I finally came to accept what You keep telling me. I did not listen two years ago, and I did not listen this year too. Hahaha... I could be very hard headed sometimes... but I know that all of this served a better purpose. Honestly, I still do not know what it is. I am just keeping the faith, that in time, You will make me realize why what happened had to happen.
Can I just share one insignificant thought of mine? It's just that my songs of the moment are about to change... change into happy songs. :D This came to be because somewhere along my road of heartaches and sufferings, God gave me the people I needed.
I cannot forget the one afternoon that I thought my mind would blow apart because I felt that I did not do a single task of mine right. Even though my working environment was filled with witches, there were surprisingly two kindhearted monsters. Hehehe. ;)
This one monster... has one of the most smoldering eyes. I could never forget this monster, because he was the kindest of all, and he helped me get by that one spiteful afternoon. So one time this week, while I was waiting for my friend to finish her charting and documentations, I quietly sat beside the infamous clock. I was feeling famished and I tried to fill my hunger by consuming one bottle of water. In the corner of my eye, I could see him walking towards me, and I did not know if I should say hi or just nod in acknowledgment.
I did what I always do. I pretended to be nonchalant of his presence. For me, it was only me and my bottle of water. When he stopped in front of me to claim something from the Billing office, I did not even budge. I was pretty sure I was breathing but that time it felt like I was drowning. When he turned around it was him who nodded and smiled. I waved in reply.
This afternoon, I got another chance to see the monster again. Though I did not have any business with him, it was the fault of the ringing station phone that I had to speak with him. I was all over the place as much as he was that I was not aware that he was sitting beside me a fourth of a time.
"Sorry ma'am, magulo." I heard his voice and it startled me.
"Okay lang po sir." You need not apologize.
I am not making something out of it... but it's kind of a wonderful, weird and crazy feeling. Am I in trouble? I think not yet. ;)
And for the record... his name does not have a letter "j". I hope I can be healed of the damned disease. hehe
I'm getting there... I'm almost getting there. :)
I'm almost there... almost getting there...
I don't wanna jinx up all my luck, but I have to say that so far, I am liking my week. :) Even though work was as usual, so toxic, I think I'm getting the hang of it. I am not as depressed as I was when I first started. It may be that I am finally starting to adjust with how the whole total patient care service thingy works. Haayy... I gotta keep believing that I am capable of doing what I have to do. I did not pass the board exams for nothing right? I got to start somewhere. Another cliche: No pain, no gain. :)
I am almost there. Smile. :) Thank You Lord that I finally came to accept what You keep telling me. I did not listen two years ago, and I did not listen this year too. Hahaha... I could be very hard headed sometimes... but I know that all of this served a better purpose. Honestly, I still do not know what it is. I am just keeping the faith, that in time, You will make me realize why what happened had to happen.
Can I just share one insignificant thought of mine? It's just that my songs of the moment are about to change... change into happy songs. :D This came to be because somewhere along my road of heartaches and sufferings, God gave me the people I needed.
I cannot forget the one afternoon that I thought my mind would blow apart because I felt that I did not do a single task of mine right. Even though my working environment was filled with witches, there were surprisingly two kindhearted monsters. Hehehe. ;)
This one monster... has one of the most smoldering eyes. I could never forget this monster, because he was the kindest of all, and he helped me get by that one spiteful afternoon. So one time this week, while I was waiting for my friend to finish her charting and documentations, I quietly sat beside the infamous clock. I was feeling famished and I tried to fill my hunger by consuming one bottle of water. In the corner of my eye, I could see him walking towards me, and I did not know if I should say hi or just nod in acknowledgment.
I did what I always do. I pretended to be nonchalant of his presence. For me, it was only me and my bottle of water. When he stopped in front of me to claim something from the Billing office, I did not even budge. I was pretty sure I was breathing but that time it felt like I was drowning. When he turned around it was him who nodded and smiled. I waved in reply.
This afternoon, I got another chance to see the monster again. Though I did not have any business with him, it was the fault of the ringing station phone that I had to speak with him. I was all over the place as much as he was that I was not aware that he was sitting beside me a fourth of a time.
"Sorry ma'am, magulo." I heard his voice and it startled me.
"Okay lang po sir." You need not apologize.
I am not making something out of it... but it's kind of a wonderful, weird and crazy feeling. Am I in trouble? I think not yet. ;)
And for the record... his name does not have a letter "j". I hope I can be healed of the damned disease. hehe
I'm getting there... I'm almost getting there. :)
Friday, November 13, 2009
kain tayo
"Kumain ka!"
Oo.
"Kumakain ka pa ba?"
Oo naman.
"Kainin mo 'toh... kumain ka pa. Ano bang nangyari sayo, bakit ganyan na hitsura mo?"
Oo... kakainin ko yan... sige, kakain pa ko... kakainin ko yan lahat.
I admittedly wanted to lose weight... but I did not intend to lose so much. Please give me and my heart some slack... I am trying my very best to be alright as soon as possible, but it's just the way my body copes.
"Hoy payatot!" Dad would come to me and gently massage my back. Hahahaha... I never dreamed that word will ever be associated with me. I can only wince. My dad's not liking it either. I think we all agree that I am better off looking porky.
" 'Tol, grabe ka... liit ng mukha mo. Nag mature tuloy hitsura mo... pataba ka na uli."
So every morning, before I leave for work, I eat what I can eat just like a pig... and take all the vitamins and supplements I can take... only to miss lunch over and over again.
It's a hard knocked life for me. I feel ugly when I am chubby and I look even worse when I get thin. I am just looking at the bright side... at least now I can pig out without worrying about gaining so much weight. It is thanks to my super stressful work that my body's metabolism had gone a bit hay wire. For now, I am just going to eat whenever I can.
I can just imagine what my dear friend would say... I'm probably gonna get the worst "tell off" of all time.
Hahaha... this will all pass. Didn't I tell you I will be better soon? Haayyy... I cannot even face the camera anymore. Lately, I don't feel like it because I look awful. So not like me.
'Pag pumayat pa 'ko grabe na ha. Ayaw kong pumayat ng sobra... kaya tara! Kain tayo. Kain tayo para sa'kin... kase natututo na ako. :)
Oo.
"Kumakain ka pa ba?"
Oo naman.
"Kainin mo 'toh... kumain ka pa. Ano bang nangyari sayo, bakit ganyan na hitsura mo?"
Oo... kakainin ko yan... sige, kakain pa ko... kakainin ko yan lahat.
I admittedly wanted to lose weight... but I did not intend to lose so much. Please give me and my heart some slack... I am trying my very best to be alright as soon as possible, but it's just the way my body copes.
"Hoy payatot!" Dad would come to me and gently massage my back. Hahahaha... I never dreamed that word will ever be associated with me. I can only wince. My dad's not liking it either. I think we all agree that I am better off looking porky.
" 'Tol, grabe ka... liit ng mukha mo. Nag mature tuloy hitsura mo... pataba ka na uli."
So every morning, before I leave for work, I eat what I can eat just like a pig... and take all the vitamins and supplements I can take... only to miss lunch over and over again.
It's a hard knocked life for me. I feel ugly when I am chubby and I look even worse when I get thin. I am just looking at the bright side... at least now I can pig out without worrying about gaining so much weight. It is thanks to my super stressful work that my body's metabolism had gone a bit hay wire. For now, I am just going to eat whenever I can.
I can just imagine what my dear friend would say... I'm probably gonna get the worst "tell off" of all time.
Hahaha... this will all pass. Didn't I tell you I will be better soon? Haayyy... I cannot even face the camera anymore. Lately, I don't feel like it because I look awful. So not like me.
'Pag pumayat pa 'ko grabe na ha. Ayaw kong pumayat ng sobra... kaya tara! Kain tayo. Kain tayo para sa'kin... kase natututo na ako. :)
Thursday, November 12, 2009
ready to face the world again
The past three months had proved to be so trying for me. Aside from having to deal with a heart break, there was that great flood that almost made us homeless, and I was frustrated because I was so eager to work... to make something happen in my life, and it just was not happening.
They say everything happens for a reason. Yeah, super cliche. That everything falls into place at the right time... So when the thing that I waited for finally came, I thought about lots of things.
Haayyyy... I did not want to use the word "toxic" but there's just no other suitable term for it. Work is toxic. The people around me are unbelievable. I thought I knew the meaning of the word mean... Oh dear... I defined the word wrongly.
My working environment added even more to my depression. My first week did not go by without me shedding tears. I seriously thought of giving up, but I did not have the heart. I did not want to give up on my dreams that easily. I forced myself to fight even though it hurt a lot. It hurt because I gave in to the thought that maybe it was not meant for me... :'( It hurt even more because even though my loved ones were very supportive of me, I still felt the need for him to be there for me... He never was... never was...
I felt so hopeless. All I could do was cry... and pray... and cry... and pray, pray, pray.
Buti na lang... God is a loving and merciful God. He helped me today... He gave in to my wish, made things a bit better today. :) It was the first time I smiled a heartfelt smile since I officially became a working hospital nurse. :D
Though I still was a bit slow today, I improved a little bit. It was such an achievement for me. I know I will finally be able to adjust... little by little everyday. I was so happy I had to treat myself. I just realized I haven't been able to eat lunch for the longest time because work is so toxic we hardly have time to eat. Seriously.
"Have yourself a merry little christmas..."
When I entered SM Bicutan, that song was playing. I openly embraced the cold that engulfed me. The last time I went inside the building, I was with him... and he held my hand. Hahahaha... so I am back to where I was before he came. It isn't so bad. My hand may have no other hand to hold, but I can manage. I felt the frosty air conditioned atmosphere, and I liked it. It numbed my heart. Then out of the blue... surprisingly, I did not feel that familiar pang. I was waiting for it, but it never came. I felt like smiling instead.
I am tired of feeling sad. It's time for me to experience other emotions again. I want to be happy... I want to be happy right now... so out of the blue, the craziest idea came to me.
I bought something that will bring about a change in my life. It is a big step for me, because buying that something meant I have to get rid of another thing. I know it's gonna hurt... but I have to stop holding on.
"Through the years, we all will be togehter, if the fates allow, hang a shining star upon the highest bough, and have yourself a merry little christmas night."
I'm looking forward to having another great christmas. I hope my heart is totally healed when that time of the year comes. Smile. :')
*Paalam Sinta.*
They say everything happens for a reason. Yeah, super cliche. That everything falls into place at the right time... So when the thing that I waited for finally came, I thought about lots of things.
- when God closes a door, He opens a window.
- I need to appreciate the sun more.
- I will forget more easily because I have something else to think about.
- that I will finally start fulfilling my dreams.
Haayyyy... I did not want to use the word "toxic" but there's just no other suitable term for it. Work is toxic. The people around me are unbelievable. I thought I knew the meaning of the word mean... Oh dear... I defined the word wrongly.
My working environment added even more to my depression. My first week did not go by without me shedding tears. I seriously thought of giving up, but I did not have the heart. I did not want to give up on my dreams that easily. I forced myself to fight even though it hurt a lot. It hurt because I gave in to the thought that maybe it was not meant for me... :'( It hurt even more because even though my loved ones were very supportive of me, I still felt the need for him to be there for me... He never was... never was...
I felt so hopeless. All I could do was cry... and pray... and cry... and pray, pray, pray.
Buti na lang... God is a loving and merciful God. He helped me today... He gave in to my wish, made things a bit better today. :) It was the first time I smiled a heartfelt smile since I officially became a working hospital nurse. :D
Though I still was a bit slow today, I improved a little bit. It was such an achievement for me. I know I will finally be able to adjust... little by little everyday. I was so happy I had to treat myself. I just realized I haven't been able to eat lunch for the longest time because work is so toxic we hardly have time to eat. Seriously.
"Have yourself a merry little christmas..."
When I entered SM Bicutan, that song was playing. I openly embraced the cold that engulfed me. The last time I went inside the building, I was with him... and he held my hand. Hahahaha... so I am back to where I was before he came. It isn't so bad. My hand may have no other hand to hold, but I can manage. I felt the frosty air conditioned atmosphere, and I liked it. It numbed my heart. Then out of the blue... surprisingly, I did not feel that familiar pang. I was waiting for it, but it never came. I felt like smiling instead.
I am tired of feeling sad. It's time for me to experience other emotions again. I want to be happy... I want to be happy right now... so out of the blue, the craziest idea came to me.
I bought something that will bring about a change in my life. It is a big step for me, because buying that something meant I have to get rid of another thing. I know it's gonna hurt... but I have to stop holding on.
"Through the years, we all will be togehter, if the fates allow, hang a shining star upon the highest bough, and have yourself a merry little christmas night."
I'm looking forward to having another great christmas. I hope my heart is totally healed when that time of the year comes. Smile. :')
*Paalam Sinta.*
Sunday, November 08, 2009
jurassic days
*I am, I feel... I sometimes think that you forget that this girl's a person you know...*
so that's just the way it works? after what seemed like ages that's just it?!
if it had not been for my friends i would have pined away. it isn't easy trying to push away the need... the need that i cannot be needing because it is impossible to attain. :'(
why do you say so much and do so little? even after all these jurassic days that i wished i was dead because you already left my world and i kept feeling like i needed you but i could not, you still get to contradict every little thing you say about you, about what you want and who you really are... and it hurts so bad because i keep believing you... even with all your broken words of promises. madaya ka.
*I am, I feel... I sometimes think that you forget that this girl's a person you know...*
:'(
so that's just the way it works? after what seemed like ages that's just it?!
if it had not been for my friends i would have pined away. it isn't easy trying to push away the need... the need that i cannot be needing because it is impossible to attain. :'(
why do you say so much and do so little? even after all these jurassic days that i wished i was dead because you already left my world and i kept feeling like i needed you but i could not, you still get to contradict every little thing you say about you, about what you want and who you really are... and it hurts so bad because i keep believing you... even with all your broken words of promises. madaya ka.
*I am, I feel... I sometimes think that you forget that this girl's a person you know...*
:'(
Friday, November 06, 2009
my life so far in strings of words
it feels like my bones are about to fall off of my body.
every little bit hurts.
tired... exhausted... hopeless... but hopeful?
i am not about to give up.
a little bit thankful.
restless... feeling stupid...
:'(
i cry because i got the thing that i waited for so long.
it isn't easy. don't wanna be ungrateful but i feel like i am being melted in fire.
it's all good. (yeah, i'll keep saying that to myself)
so tiring... but as i said, IT'S ALL GOOD.
It's good to come home feeling so tired and beaten up that all i have to think of is sleeping and nothing else. Not think of a place, a person... not even a feeling.
carry out... follow up... refer... administer...
discontinue... discharge...
and i am out.
literally.
every little bit hurts.
tired... exhausted... hopeless... but hopeful?
i am not about to give up.
a little bit thankful.
restless... feeling stupid...
:'(
i cry because i got the thing that i waited for so long.
it isn't easy. don't wanna be ungrateful but i feel like i am being melted in fire.
it's all good. (yeah, i'll keep saying that to myself)
so tiring... but as i said, IT'S ALL GOOD.
It's good to come home feeling so tired and beaten up that all i have to think of is sleeping and nothing else. Not think of a place, a person... not even a feeling.
carry out... follow up... refer... administer...
discontinue... discharge...
and i am out.
literally.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
how is he?
Sometimes even if you feel like the earth's turning in a whole new axis, you'd still find yourself craving for the world you thought was good for you, even if it never was.
How is he?
Krishna answers: I think he's okay. He's a nurse too. Just passed the NCLEX. He's having a hard time finding a suitable hospital in New York.
How is he?
Krishna answers: Maybe he's dead. *wicked giggle* I really have no idea. No news is good news. He's having the time of his life, I guess. *grins... wanting to stab the one who asked*
How is he?
Krishna answers: He's getting married next year. I don't know if he already proposed.
How is he?
Krishna answers: He's still fixing his broken heart. He isn't about to entrust himself to anyone but to himself. *i sigh... what is he, some kind of a male counterpart of me?... wishfully thinks... punishes myself for nourishing the thought.*
How is he?
Krishna answers: I don't know. I really do not care. *seriously and truthfully*
How is he?
Krishna answers: Do you miss him? You can get in touch with him through facebook. I don't have him inside my pocket. How should I know how he is?! *haha... uh-oh, Krish is giving the brush off*
How is he?
Krishna answers: *ignores the question* ... I am so bored. *pretends to not have heard the question*
How is he?
Krishna answers: Who is he?
How is he?
Krishna does not answer. * Oh Lord, please turn me into a bird so I can fly, fly away!*
How are you? Can we meet some time?
Krishna does not answer. * I don't need you to save me... rolls my eyes.*
Are you okay? 'Cause I feel that you are not...
Krishna answers: SO NOW YOU CARE?!!
Aaaaaahhhhh!!! Please, oh please! Leave me alone!!!
It all hurts just the same. :'(
Sometimes I feel it, most of the time I do not.
Tonight I am feeling it. I saw the moon tonight and I did not even shrug. I stared at it, dared for it to try and make me suffer... and it was not able to.
If truth be told, I do not miss anyone of the he's they asked about.
...but I am hurting just the same.
I have been celebrating the night away because my sister passed the ECE board exams. Hurray to finally having an engineer for a sister! :) *thank You Lord for giving me something to be happy about*
Now my world is spinning.
... and I cannot help but think how stupid I've become for not being able to answer the question: HOW IS HE?
SIGH... I was trying not to write the word sigh... coz it would just mean I am leaving it at that again.
My head is really spinning... and I am not really sure if I am really writing as of the moment, or I am just stuck in my dreams.
Oh please, oh please Lord...
The world I knew had long changed. I need to carry on. Please help me long for it not.
How is he?
Krishna answers: I think he's okay. He's a nurse too. Just passed the NCLEX. He's having a hard time finding a suitable hospital in New York.
How is he?
Krishna answers: Maybe he's dead. *wicked giggle* I really have no idea. No news is good news. He's having the time of his life, I guess. *grins... wanting to stab the one who asked*
How is he?
Krishna answers: He's getting married next year. I don't know if he already proposed.
How is he?
Krishna answers: He's still fixing his broken heart. He isn't about to entrust himself to anyone but to himself. *i sigh... what is he, some kind of a male counterpart of me?... wishfully thinks... punishes myself for nourishing the thought.*
How is he?
Krishna answers: I don't know. I really do not care. *seriously and truthfully*
How is he?
Krishna answers: Do you miss him? You can get in touch with him through facebook. I don't have him inside my pocket. How should I know how he is?! *haha... uh-oh, Krish is giving the brush off*
How is he?
Krishna answers: *ignores the question* ... I am so bored. *pretends to not have heard the question*
How is he?
Krishna answers: Who is he?
How is he?
Krishna does not answer. * Oh Lord, please turn me into a bird so I can fly, fly away!*
How are you? Can we meet some time?
Krishna does not answer. * I don't need you to save me... rolls my eyes.*
Are you okay? 'Cause I feel that you are not...
Krishna answers: SO NOW YOU CARE?!!
Aaaaaahhhhh!!! Please, oh please! Leave me alone!!!
It all hurts just the same. :'(
Sometimes I feel it, most of the time I do not.
Tonight I am feeling it. I saw the moon tonight and I did not even shrug. I stared at it, dared for it to try and make me suffer... and it was not able to.
If truth be told, I do not miss anyone of the he's they asked about.
...but I am hurting just the same.
I have been celebrating the night away because my sister passed the ECE board exams. Hurray to finally having an engineer for a sister! :) *thank You Lord for giving me something to be happy about*
Now my world is spinning.
... and I cannot help but think how stupid I've become for not being able to answer the question: HOW IS HE?
SIGH... I was trying not to write the word sigh... coz it would just mean I am leaving it at that again.
My head is really spinning... and I am not really sure if I am really writing as of the moment, or I am just stuck in my dreams.
Oh please, oh please Lord...
The world I knew had long changed. I need to carry on. Please help me long for it not.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
a new beginning
It's been more than a month since I last wrote any thought of mine. All of what I felt were kept inside of me. I thought I'd never write again. Dreadful were the nights that I wished for nothing more but for sleep to take over and make me feel nothing.
I was resigned to continue my quest for happiness. I was hoping that despite what I lost, I could turn things back 'round... but God works in ways even I cannot imagine. He took away some, and after losing, He took away even more.
I tried writing... but I could not. It felt as though I was writing with blood. Every time I tried scribbling a word, my train of thought became too messed up, because my heart cried... and my head tried to hold myself together. Once again, I found that my heart and mind were not in sync.
I went through an unexpected ordeal. A storm came, and a great flood followed. I do not wish to relate all of the details, because for one, it was a most unpleasant one. The rushing of flood water inside our house was the last thing I thought of ever experiencing. In less than ten minutes, our home was filling up with flood water and we had to save our lives first and leave our possessions. I was the last to come out of the house. The flood was like a great current, and before I was able to come out, I was pushed back a little bit. Traumatic it was. Who would have thought I'd be bathing in flood? At least we were able to leave before the water rose too high. When we came out, it was already chest deep. Unbelievable.
So for a night, we were homeless. It was terrible having no house to come home to. :'( All our cars were left in the garage, submerged in flood. I didn't want to imagine what the house would look like after all of that was over. I was already heartbroken and because of that circumstance, my heart broke even more. How unlucky could I still get? Parang sunod sunod naman yata ang malas ko...
When we came back a day after... our house was a total mess. It was worse than chaos. There was water and mud everywhere... and everything was the oppossite of spic and span. I did not know where and how to start cleaning. The house looked as devastated as I was feeling inside.
It turned out that I lost all my clothes (haha, I need a wardrobe change!), no problem. :) That did not affect me. Pwede namang labhan e. What really broke my heart was all the priceless possessions of mine that got destroyed. I did not intend to throw them away... but they got thrown out anyway. So spiteful. Lost all my diaries (more than a dozen diaries), notebook of poems :'(, all my cards, letters, pictures... all of which were tokens of my yesterdays, both happy and sad. :'( And most of the things that got broken in the house were mostly my things... hmm... what the hell was God trying to tell me?
String of phrases: let go... start anew... stop living in the past... face the present...
I needed to stop bringing back all of the things that were long destroyed and lost.
It was tough work. I must admit, cleaning the house rid my mind of hurtful thoughts and it helped me get by. My body ached like crazy. I thought all of my bones would break. It was so exhausting. The nights were restless too. I am glad it is over.
Because of what happened, I realized that I should be grateful for the warmth of the sun. Call me shallow or whatever, but I can now walk under the sun without an umbrella. Arte ko kase dati e. Now, I learned that I should not wait for the storm to pass for me to appreciate the sun.
I am standing in a new beginning. I have my heart back. I am waiting for a brighter tomorrow. I cannot give up now. I need to move forward as always.
I am still healing. Once in a while, I would feel a pang ... but I am slowly learning to live with it. I was reminded how pain can expand the heart. When your heart is feeling heavy, full to breaking, it is being stretched to a new capacity for love. Every time I get hurt, I keep asking how I could still love? That is exactly the answer. Each time I get broken, I end up being able to love more than I did before. Amazing how God heals the brokenhearted. :) He fixes it by filling the cracks, and makes it bigger and capable of holding more love. All hope is not lost.
Look at me... I am writing again. I am doing what I love the most. Even now as I am typing away all of my random musings, I can feel myself bleeding... but then I realize, even blood can dry up. Before I know it, my suffering will be nothing but a distant memory. A pain that is long forgotten.
Like I said, I got to keep hoping.
***"But I don't think time is gonna heal this broken heart.
No, I don't know how it can if it's broken all apart.
A million miracles could never stop the pain
or put all the pieces together again...
And when you hear this song, I hope that you will see
that time won't heal a broken hearted me."-anne murray***
**I love this song... I don't like the lyrics, because it is most pathetic, but I used to sing along with it. I am promising myself that I will not allow myself to be able to relate with it, because I know time will heal a broken hearted me. I refuse to believe that I'll never be healed. :)**
I was resigned to continue my quest for happiness. I was hoping that despite what I lost, I could turn things back 'round... but God works in ways even I cannot imagine. He took away some, and after losing, He took away even more.
I tried writing... but I could not. It felt as though I was writing with blood. Every time I tried scribbling a word, my train of thought became too messed up, because my heart cried... and my head tried to hold myself together. Once again, I found that my heart and mind were not in sync.
I went through an unexpected ordeal. A storm came, and a great flood followed. I do not wish to relate all of the details, because for one, it was a most unpleasant one. The rushing of flood water inside our house was the last thing I thought of ever experiencing. In less than ten minutes, our home was filling up with flood water and we had to save our lives first and leave our possessions. I was the last to come out of the house. The flood was like a great current, and before I was able to come out, I was pushed back a little bit. Traumatic it was. Who would have thought I'd be bathing in flood? At least we were able to leave before the water rose too high. When we came out, it was already chest deep. Unbelievable.
So for a night, we were homeless. It was terrible having no house to come home to. :'( All our cars were left in the garage, submerged in flood. I didn't want to imagine what the house would look like after all of that was over. I was already heartbroken and because of that circumstance, my heart broke even more. How unlucky could I still get? Parang sunod sunod naman yata ang malas ko...
When we came back a day after... our house was a total mess. It was worse than chaos. There was water and mud everywhere... and everything was the oppossite of spic and span. I did not know where and how to start cleaning. The house looked as devastated as I was feeling inside.
It turned out that I lost all my clothes (haha, I need a wardrobe change!), no problem. :) That did not affect me. Pwede namang labhan e. What really broke my heart was all the priceless possessions of mine that got destroyed. I did not intend to throw them away... but they got thrown out anyway. So spiteful. Lost all my diaries (more than a dozen diaries), notebook of poems :'(, all my cards, letters, pictures... all of which were tokens of my yesterdays, both happy and sad. :'( And most of the things that got broken in the house were mostly my things... hmm... what the hell was God trying to tell me?
String of phrases: let go... start anew... stop living in the past... face the present...
I needed to stop bringing back all of the things that were long destroyed and lost.
It was tough work. I must admit, cleaning the house rid my mind of hurtful thoughts and it helped me get by. My body ached like crazy. I thought all of my bones would break. It was so exhausting. The nights were restless too. I am glad it is over.
Because of what happened, I realized that I should be grateful for the warmth of the sun. Call me shallow or whatever, but I can now walk under the sun without an umbrella. Arte ko kase dati e. Now, I learned that I should not wait for the storm to pass for me to appreciate the sun.
I am standing in a new beginning. I have my heart back. I am waiting for a brighter tomorrow. I cannot give up now. I need to move forward as always.
I am still healing. Once in a while, I would feel a pang ... but I am slowly learning to live with it. I was reminded how pain can expand the heart. When your heart is feeling heavy, full to breaking, it is being stretched to a new capacity for love. Every time I get hurt, I keep asking how I could still love? That is exactly the answer. Each time I get broken, I end up being able to love more than I did before. Amazing how God heals the brokenhearted. :) He fixes it by filling the cracks, and makes it bigger and capable of holding more love. All hope is not lost.
Look at me... I am writing again. I am doing what I love the most. Even now as I am typing away all of my random musings, I can feel myself bleeding... but then I realize, even blood can dry up. Before I know it, my suffering will be nothing but a distant memory. A pain that is long forgotten.
Like I said, I got to keep hoping.
***"But I don't think time is gonna heal this broken heart.
No, I don't know how it can if it's broken all apart.
A million miracles could never stop the pain
or put all the pieces together again...
And when you hear this song, I hope that you will see
that time won't heal a broken hearted me."-anne murray***
**I love this song... I don't like the lyrics, because it is most pathetic, but I used to sing along with it. I am promising myself that I will not allow myself to be able to relate with it, because I know time will heal a broken hearted me. I refuse to believe that I'll never be healed. :)**
Thursday, September 24, 2009
not going through the motions...
I'm softly typing away while Stacie Orrico's singing her heart out on the background.
Wicked smile. Hehehe. ;)
Today had been a great day. I was dreading I'd wake up and feel that heaviness again... but then I guess God really listens, especially when I pray so hard. :D
Good news: Ate Lang's first child will be a boy! Haha! I was right. The majority of our relatives and family members were all betting the baby will be a girl. Only Jett and Dad wanted a boy... I, on the other hand, also preferred a girl, but... but... twice I had a dream that I was taking care of a baby nephew. ;) So I was so sure the baby would be a boy. I remember telling ate Lang, "Trust me... Lalaki magiging panganay mo. " Hahaha... this is not the first time that a dream of mine came true. ;) So I still haven't lost the gift after all. :)
Another good news: that would have to wait for a few more days. :) I am so full of gratitude. :)
Wow... so many smiles. Thank You Lord. I didn't expect it.
Speaking of the gift... hmm... should I mention it here? Wicked smile again. ;) Maybe some other time. I'll keep the curious thought to myself for the meantime. My sisters are all keen about it though. Well... I don't feel the same. I think I won't be needing "the help". I mean... me? Search? Not in my wildest dreams! But let's see. Life has full of surprises.
Stacie's singing the same song for the nth time. :) :D ;) My heart is content and filled with hope. I know tomorrow's gonna be a brighter day. When something is lost... something is also found. :)
Thank You Lord. I feel like I haven't been thanking You enough... and before I go to sleep, I know I'll be uttering all my thanks still.
* My heart and my strength... many times they fail. But there is one truth, that always will remain... God is the strength of my heart. :D*
Wicked smile. Hehehe. ;)
Today had been a great day. I was dreading I'd wake up and feel that heaviness again... but then I guess God really listens, especially when I pray so hard. :D
Good news: Ate Lang's first child will be a boy! Haha! I was right. The majority of our relatives and family members were all betting the baby will be a girl. Only Jett and Dad wanted a boy... I, on the other hand, also preferred a girl, but... but... twice I had a dream that I was taking care of a baby nephew. ;) So I was so sure the baby would be a boy. I remember telling ate Lang, "Trust me... Lalaki magiging panganay mo. " Hahaha... this is not the first time that a dream of mine came true. ;) So I still haven't lost the gift after all. :)
Another good news: that would have to wait for a few more days. :) I am so full of gratitude. :)
Wow... so many smiles. Thank You Lord. I didn't expect it.
Speaking of the gift... hmm... should I mention it here? Wicked smile again. ;) Maybe some other time. I'll keep the curious thought to myself for the meantime. My sisters are all keen about it though. Well... I don't feel the same. I think I won't be needing "the help". I mean... me? Search? Not in my wildest dreams! But let's see. Life has full of surprises.
Stacie's singing the same song for the nth time. :) :D ;) My heart is content and filled with hope. I know tomorrow's gonna be a brighter day. When something is lost... something is also found. :)
Thank You Lord. I feel like I haven't been thanking You enough... and before I go to sleep, I know I'll be uttering all my thanks still.
* My heart and my strength... many times they fail. But there is one truth, that always will remain... God is the strength of my heart. :D*
Monday, September 21, 2009
fixing the little pieces...
SIGH... the resigned sigh. In lots of ways, it's probably a good sigh... in some unfortunate tidbits, it's a sad sigh too.
Before I start pouring my heart out... ( Thank God I finally have the strength to write), I would like to mention, in a lighter note, that it was my parents' 29th wedding anniversary yesterday ( 20th of September). Need I say more? In spite of what I am going through, I am a certified witness that true love still can exist in the world and my parents are living proof of that. :')
SIGH... haha, another sigh again...
I was so emotionally exhausted these past few weeks. By being devastated, I also broke my dad's heart. :'( I can only blame myself for being the weak woman I am sometimes. Even without saying that there is something wrong, he knew I wasn't all right. He tried talking to me every night, encouraging me to eat more, talking softly, giving me the most sensible advices... and by holding in his rage ( 'cause I can tell that he was so angry), I realized that my dad really loves me. :') ( happy tears 'yan ha). I guess when he stopped talking to me, it was because he couldn't bear to see me so sad anymore. I knew what he wanted to say... but dad's just so surprising sometimes... he let me find out for myself. :) Thank you dad... You will always be the number one man of my life. Jett will always come after you... My only brother put his arm around me at a time when I needed it the most. He was so sweet. What more can I ask for? I have the two best men in the world. :D
Having said that... I guess I can say I'm feelin' better. I'm still healing... but definitely a whole lot better. :)
I was just informed that our original home in Muntinlupa will finally begin its reconstruction this Tuesday. The last time I went there, I've seen how messed up the whole house was. Even with all the debris and junk, I still felt nostalgic. So many memories... both good and bad. I can't believe that soon, I would have to part with it... the way it looked like... the safe way if felt like just being there... and the way it used to be like. It's saddens me a bit that I would have to say goodbye to the number one place I love the most. Our home.
In my mind, I can still picture the current state of our old home. Everything's falling apart. The leaking ceiling, the cracking walls, the moldy forsaken pieces of clothing... and the heart breaking emptiness. Soon, our home will be going through a whole lot more. Everything will be broken down. It will be destroyed so that in time, it will become better and new.
Our old home reminded me of how I am and my life is. Everything seems to be falling apart. My future seems so bleak, and my heart is ever so wounded... I lost something that for awhile was the only thing I have that still makes sense. :'( I feel so broken... it's a wonder how I could still break more everyday. I feel too tired to think of who to blame. It is without bitterness that I am accepting the fact that sometimes, love just isn't enough.
After the fall must come the rise... Like I said, soon our house will be transformed into a new home, offering something better. When we move back there, we can start making new memories. Traces of how the place was once crumbling will be gone. It will just be beautiful, peaceful, securing and strong. Perhaps it will be the same for me. I am broken now, so that in time, God will see to it that I will be whole again. My heart is in pieces, because when the time comes that I am able to fix it... it will be as good as new. It is in hoping that good things will come to me someday. I may be bruised now, but I know I will heal. There's just no other thing to do but take a step forward... so here I am... trying my best to move forward.
Didn't I say before that when God showered blessings, there were hundreds with my name on it?
So I am hurting now... but I'll never stop believing that I'll be happily basking in the sun someday... that I will be jovial while dancing in the rain... that even if I don't find someone whom I'll entrust my heart to, I will still feel complete and alive.
I am picking the little pieces of my heart and fixing it the way I know how. Sigh... I'm all by myself again... naturally. :')
Before I start pouring my heart out... ( Thank God I finally have the strength to write), I would like to mention, in a lighter note, that it was my parents' 29th wedding anniversary yesterday ( 20th of September). Need I say more? In spite of what I am going through, I am a certified witness that true love still can exist in the world and my parents are living proof of that. :')
SIGH... haha, another sigh again...
I was so emotionally exhausted these past few weeks. By being devastated, I also broke my dad's heart. :'( I can only blame myself for being the weak woman I am sometimes. Even without saying that there is something wrong, he knew I wasn't all right. He tried talking to me every night, encouraging me to eat more, talking softly, giving me the most sensible advices... and by holding in his rage ( 'cause I can tell that he was so angry), I realized that my dad really loves me. :') ( happy tears 'yan ha). I guess when he stopped talking to me, it was because he couldn't bear to see me so sad anymore. I knew what he wanted to say... but dad's just so surprising sometimes... he let me find out for myself. :) Thank you dad... You will always be the number one man of my life. Jett will always come after you... My only brother put his arm around me at a time when I needed it the most. He was so sweet. What more can I ask for? I have the two best men in the world. :D
Having said that... I guess I can say I'm feelin' better. I'm still healing... but definitely a whole lot better. :)
I was just informed that our original home in Muntinlupa will finally begin its reconstruction this Tuesday. The last time I went there, I've seen how messed up the whole house was. Even with all the debris and junk, I still felt nostalgic. So many memories... both good and bad. I can't believe that soon, I would have to part with it... the way it looked like... the safe way if felt like just being there... and the way it used to be like. It's saddens me a bit that I would have to say goodbye to the number one place I love the most. Our home.
In my mind, I can still picture the current state of our old home. Everything's falling apart. The leaking ceiling, the cracking walls, the moldy forsaken pieces of clothing... and the heart breaking emptiness. Soon, our home will be going through a whole lot more. Everything will be broken down. It will be destroyed so that in time, it will become better and new.
Our old home reminded me of how I am and my life is. Everything seems to be falling apart. My future seems so bleak, and my heart is ever so wounded... I lost something that for awhile was the only thing I have that still makes sense. :'( I feel so broken... it's a wonder how I could still break more everyday. I feel too tired to think of who to blame. It is without bitterness that I am accepting the fact that sometimes, love just isn't enough.
After the fall must come the rise... Like I said, soon our house will be transformed into a new home, offering something better. When we move back there, we can start making new memories. Traces of how the place was once crumbling will be gone. It will just be beautiful, peaceful, securing and strong. Perhaps it will be the same for me. I am broken now, so that in time, God will see to it that I will be whole again. My heart is in pieces, because when the time comes that I am able to fix it... it will be as good as new. It is in hoping that good things will come to me someday. I may be bruised now, but I know I will heal. There's just no other thing to do but take a step forward... so here I am... trying my best to move forward.
Didn't I say before that when God showered blessings, there were hundreds with my name on it?
So I am hurting now... but I'll never stop believing that I'll be happily basking in the sun someday... that I will be jovial while dancing in the rain... that even if I don't find someone whom I'll entrust my heart to, I will still feel complete and alive.
I am picking the little pieces of my heart and fixing it the way I know how. Sigh... I'm all by myself again... naturally. :')
Friday, September 11, 2009
naglalahong liwanag ng buwan
Wala ng makakatulong sa'kin ngayon.
Hindi ang naturingan kong kambal sa mga nagdaang buhay.
Hindi ang tagapayo ko ang magiging tagasalba.
Hindi ang misteryosong nilalang ng buwan.
Hindi ang kaibigang may lihim na damdamin.
Hindi ang patuloy pa ring lumalaban na pag-asa.
Mantakin mo'y mas malubha pa ang dinulot ng lahat ng ito kesa sa imaheng iyon na kasing mapangwasak ng kape?!
Nakabitin ako ngayon sa dulo ng napakanipis na sinulid.
Hangin, tubig, init at dilim.
Ano pa ba ang kailangan kong harapin?
Hindi ba't natutunan ko noon pa na sa mga bituin na umasa? Bakit nga ba hinahanap ko ang liwanag ng buwan?
Ako na lang mag-isa...
Ako na naman mag-isa.
Ano na naman bang ginawa kong mali? Talaga bang ito dapat ang mangyari sa'kin?
Naglalaho na liwanag ng buwan. Wala na akong makita... kase ang paningin ko, nabulag na ng mga luha.
Ako na lang mag-isa... Ako na naman mag-isa. :'(
Hindi ang naturingan kong kambal sa mga nagdaang buhay.
Hindi ang tagapayo ko ang magiging tagasalba.
Hindi ang misteryosong nilalang ng buwan.
Hindi ang kaibigang may lihim na damdamin.
Hindi ang patuloy pa ring lumalaban na pag-asa.
Mantakin mo'y mas malubha pa ang dinulot ng lahat ng ito kesa sa imaheng iyon na kasing mapangwasak ng kape?!
Nakabitin ako ngayon sa dulo ng napakanipis na sinulid.
Hangin, tubig, init at dilim.
Ano pa ba ang kailangan kong harapin?
Hindi ba't natutunan ko noon pa na sa mga bituin na umasa? Bakit nga ba hinahanap ko ang liwanag ng buwan?
Ako na lang mag-isa...
Ako na naman mag-isa.
Ano na naman bang ginawa kong mali? Talaga bang ito dapat ang mangyari sa'kin?
Naglalaho na liwanag ng buwan. Wala na akong makita... kase ang paningin ko, nabulag na ng mga luha.
Ako na lang mag-isa... Ako na naman mag-isa. :'(
Friday, August 21, 2009
True love, oh baby...
Trouble is indeed a friend...
When will he realize just how much my feelings has changed from being uncertain to real?
I'm still trying... I won't stop trying...
I'm trying to love myself better in order for me to think that someone could love me better than I love myself.
When will he realize just how much my feelings has changed from being uncertain to real?
I'm still trying... I won't stop trying...
I'm trying to love myself better in order for me to think that someone could love me better than I love myself.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Yes, I am.
" You don't even have to try,it comes easy for you..."
It was another typical Sunday. The radio was playing, the air around the house was ever humid. It was so coincidental that eddie brickell's song suddenly played. I experienced, yet, another wave of nostalgia. I was suddenly transported back to our old house in Muntinlupa. I remembered the shiny red floors, and the same hot, humid air and the way it made me feel restless. It was Sunday after all. Old songs were being played on the radio, and we wandered about the house... made ourselves comfortable the way we knew how.
"Good times, bad times, gimme some of that."
I remembered all my frosty, morning school bus rides during my sixth year in elementary. The same song played, I sat on my usual place, and day dreamed. Whatever it was that I thought of, I never bothered to write in one of my journals, but I know exactly what that dream was.
" I don't wanna say goodbye, don't wanna walk ya out the door..."
It was incredulous. Didn't know if I wanted to smile or cry. I didn't wanna feel it, but I felt it coming. The familiar pang... of losing something I don't have a name for.
It used to be like that before. Young as I was, I would feel that... that fear that I've always kept to myself.
I felt it the whole day. Even after all these years, I still felt it. It was another painful Sunday for me. I tried helping myself... forced myself to find my happiness. The nostalgic day brought back so much memories of my Sundays and people... that I've lost in one way or another.
"... I spend a little time with you, I want a little more."
No... not even a little... I want so much more. :'( I want so much more... now I feel like crying again.
I cried myself to sleep, because I know no other way. God was telling me something, and I was just nodding and accepting what He has to say. I didn't want to ask... I just felt like saying, Yes, I am... whatever that means... Yes, I am ready even if I am really not.
When I woke up... text messages flooded my phone. Feeling better, and not expecting, I got my early message from God through my friends' forwarded quotes. Three of my friends sent me the same message:
Jesus said, "I come to you not to make you love me, but to let you know that you are worth loving."
I didn't ask, but I got my answer anyway.
So yes, I am. That is all I need to know and feel right now.
SIGH... Yes, I am.
In some unimaginable way, yes, I am. I may not comprehend it now, but I trust God that I will get by somehow.
"Good times, bad times, gimme some of that..."
I can't have it all, can I?
Like I said, it was a typical Sunday. However did I manage to keep a smile on my face despite what I was feeling? Another answer: My family gave me the strength.
So I guess... Yes, I am.
As the song fades away inside my mind, I nestle my pained heart and tell myself it will all be for the best. Just like what I always tell myself when I can't put my burdened soul to rest.
It was another typical Sunday. The radio was playing, the air around the house was ever humid. It was so coincidental that eddie brickell's song suddenly played. I experienced, yet, another wave of nostalgia. I was suddenly transported back to our old house in Muntinlupa. I remembered the shiny red floors, and the same hot, humid air and the way it made me feel restless. It was Sunday after all. Old songs were being played on the radio, and we wandered about the house... made ourselves comfortable the way we knew how.
"Good times, bad times, gimme some of that."
I remembered all my frosty, morning school bus rides during my sixth year in elementary. The same song played, I sat on my usual place, and day dreamed. Whatever it was that I thought of, I never bothered to write in one of my journals, but I know exactly what that dream was.
" I don't wanna say goodbye, don't wanna walk ya out the door..."
It was incredulous. Didn't know if I wanted to smile or cry. I didn't wanna feel it, but I felt it coming. The familiar pang... of losing something I don't have a name for.
It used to be like that before. Young as I was, I would feel that... that fear that I've always kept to myself.
I felt it the whole day. Even after all these years, I still felt it. It was another painful Sunday for me. I tried helping myself... forced myself to find my happiness. The nostalgic day brought back so much memories of my Sundays and people... that I've lost in one way or another.
"... I spend a little time with you, I want a little more."
No... not even a little... I want so much more. :'( I want so much more... now I feel like crying again.
I cried myself to sleep, because I know no other way. God was telling me something, and I was just nodding and accepting what He has to say. I didn't want to ask... I just felt like saying, Yes, I am... whatever that means... Yes, I am ready even if I am really not.
When I woke up... text messages flooded my phone. Feeling better, and not expecting, I got my early message from God through my friends' forwarded quotes. Three of my friends sent me the same message:
Jesus said, "I come to you not to make you love me, but to let you know that you are worth loving."
I didn't ask, but I got my answer anyway.
So yes, I am. That is all I need to know and feel right now.
SIGH... Yes, I am.
In some unimaginable way, yes, I am. I may not comprehend it now, but I trust God that I will get by somehow.
"Good times, bad times, gimme some of that..."
I can't have it all, can I?
Like I said, it was a typical Sunday. However did I manage to keep a smile on my face despite what I was feeling? Another answer: My family gave me the strength.
So I guess... Yes, I am.
As the song fades away inside my mind, I nestle my pained heart and tell myself it will all be for the best. Just like what I always tell myself when I can't put my burdened soul to rest.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
My Picture Story
MY PICTURE STORY
1. A picture of you in your room.
1. A picture of you in your room.
with my sister gel :)
2. A picture of you posing with someone you don't actually like.
well... i didn't exactly not like him, but he was such a pain in the neck that time. so spiteful!
3. A picture with a former crush.
okay, i was not in the picture. I was somewhere on the floor thinking of what to say when our turn to present our progress report comes. This is the closest photo I can find that could qualify as such. Hehe ;)
4. A picture of you very drunk.
correction: i wasn't VERY drunk when this photo was taken... but I remember my friends telling me I was laughing at the most senseless things. I guess I was feeling tipsy? But not drunk. :)
5. A picture of you with a parent or two.
With mom and dad during our oath taking. :)
6. A picture of you on your birthday, or your favorite holiday.
I turned silver and my friends celebrated my birthday eve with me. It was my best birthday ever.
7. A picture of you from your younger years.
hahaha... look at my smile. so mischievous! it was like i was always up to no good. =)
8. A picture of you in one of your favorite outfits.
that's my fave green blouse up there and my favorite yellow jacket below. ;)
9. A picture of you making a goofy face at the camera.
believe me, this is goofy enough for me. haha!
10. A picture you might have edited to make yourself more attractive.
lahat naman ng grad pic ineedit diba?
11. A picture of you and a team or club you're in.
Easter Tradition with ComLec
12. A picture of a night you regret.
How could I forget? :( I nearly jumped over a cliff (metaphorically speaking).
13. A picture of you showing off a new haircut.
I wasn't exactly showing it, but I just had a hair cut when this picture was taken. Was just days fresh from being confined at the hospital.
14. A picture of you truly being yourself.
Dreamer much? :)
15. The most recent picture of you.
:)
16. A picture of you being absolutely ridiculous.
They made me do it! It was so hilarious though. haha!
17. A picture of a time in your life that's over, but you wish it wasn't.
high school life... wish it never ended.
18. A picture of a time in your life that's over, and you couldn't be more thankful that it is.
Last day of november 2008 NLE.
19. A picture with your oldest friend(s).
Forever friends Tropang Adik
20. A picture with your newest friend(s).
New found friends... Red Cross co-trainees
21. A picture of you when you were anything but happy... Even if you were smiling and did your best to hide it.
:(... was wishing I was a bird so I could fly, fly away.
22. A picture of you that you had no idea was being taken.
I love it. :)
23. A picture of you when you were a different person than you are now.
Yeah... I wasn't as bitter as I am now.
24. A picture of you in a fashion "DON'T."
I clearly instructed jett not to take a picture of me showing my face. He tried defying me and I ended up hiding under my umbrella.
25. A picture of you in a swimsuit - whether you love it or loathe it.
Palawan, May 2009
26. A picture of you taking a shot / chugging a beer / downing some sort of mixed drink.
This is the closest photo I can find. :)
27. A picture of yourself that you hate.
I was so weak... I vowed never to feel as pathetic as I was feeling when this photo was taken.
28. A picture of you with someone you love.
Sandwiched between Yogi Bear and Wonderwall
29. A picture of how you'd like the world to see you.
Breaking away...
30. A picture that describes how you'd like to spend every day.
Just reflecting and dreaming.
31. A picture of a time when everything was changing.
Yeah... things were changing. ;) I was getting over lots of things that made my heart ache. :D
32. A picture that makes your heart hurt.
Awwww... every little bit hurt. :'(
33. A picture that makes your heart smile.
I know... it is also my most recent picture. Well, it makes me smile, so what?!
34. A picture of one of the best nights/days of your life.
T.A. nights are always the best. :)
Saturday, July 11, 2009
nosy, paranoid, feeler that he is
Okay... so I probably went overly dramatic these past few days. I'm really starting to think July is a cursed month. I am tired of blaming everything on the hormones. I am not using it as an excuse this time.
I'm reflecting on the slight mishaps that happened this week. I am silently scolding myself for trying to be too hard when I only needed to be strong.
Months ago, I would've probably punished myself for feeling this way... you know, in total abandon of what everyone might think about me loving him this way... but now, I simply do not care. I am not dealing with maybe's here... because what I just wrote is real. I keep on saying I do not play around, so that's the fact that everyone around me has to face.
I guess I got too consumed with the cynical way of thinking that some of my trusted friends have. Somehow it got to me... and I let it get the best of me. A foolish mistake I am vehemently avoiding from now on.
I am changing... in a funny way that I never expected.
All because of the nosy, paranoid, feeler person that he is.
I'm so lovin' it. :)
I'm reflecting on the slight mishaps that happened this week. I am silently scolding myself for trying to be too hard when I only needed to be strong.
Months ago, I would've probably punished myself for feeling this way... you know, in total abandon of what everyone might think about me loving him this way... but now, I simply do not care. I am not dealing with maybe's here... because what I just wrote is real. I keep on saying I do not play around, so that's the fact that everyone around me has to face.
I guess I got too consumed with the cynical way of thinking that some of my trusted friends have. Somehow it got to me... and I let it get the best of me. A foolish mistake I am vehemently avoiding from now on.
I am changing... in a funny way that I never expected.
All because of the nosy, paranoid, feeler person that he is.
I'm so lovin' it. :)
Monday, July 06, 2009
Tired of loving him...
"Have you ever felt like you were tired of loving?"
An old friend had asked me.
I thought of all the times that I felt that way. I guess at one major point in my life I got tired of loving someone. The number of times I used the word "tiring, tired, tiresome" in my entries just to say that I was tired... but I never learned. The "tiring" tirade continued because I let it. I just didn't know when to let go. I kept losing in my silent wars because I let myself lose. In one way or another, I was just plain tired, so I went ahead, and allowed myself to die.
"Kilala kita... you dont' ask for too much. You can't blame us for trying to protect you because we don't want to see such a nice person like you getting hurt."
Another great friend recently told me that. I swear I almost cried when he said that.
I know right?! Or more like I don't know. Am I really?
Am I in another quiet battle?
Didn't I say I hate waiting? That I hate hanging by the moment.... because it's painful?
If waiting is painful, then I should stop waiting. If I am starting to feel tired, then I should take a rest.
Easier said than done. :'(
... because I wait for the people I love, and I pathetically, if not willing, then am most certainly ready to lose for them.
I don't know which is hurting more... my pride or my heart?
:'(
An old friend had asked me.
I thought of all the times that I felt that way. I guess at one major point in my life I got tired of loving someone. The number of times I used the word "tiring, tired, tiresome" in my entries just to say that I was tired... but I never learned. The "tiring" tirade continued because I let it. I just didn't know when to let go. I kept losing in my silent wars because I let myself lose. In one way or another, I was just plain tired, so I went ahead, and allowed myself to die.
"Kilala kita... you dont' ask for too much. You can't blame us for trying to protect you because we don't want to see such a nice person like you getting hurt."
Another great friend recently told me that. I swear I almost cried when he said that.
I know right?! Or more like I don't know. Am I really?
Am I in another quiet battle?
Didn't I say I hate waiting? That I hate hanging by the moment.... because it's painful?
If waiting is painful, then I should stop waiting. If I am starting to feel tired, then I should take a rest.
Easier said than done. :'(
... because I wait for the people I love, and I pathetically, if not willing, then am most certainly ready to lose for them.
I don't know which is hurting more... my pride or my heart?
:'(
Saturday, June 13, 2009
when it strikes...
when it strikes...
it doesn't matter if you're prepared or not. it's something you cannot fight.
it's something i wasn't able to fight.
SIGH... it struck.
I let it hit me.
I bagged happiness. haha!
Huh? ;)
it doesn't matter if you're prepared or not. it's something you cannot fight.
it's something i wasn't able to fight.
SIGH... it struck.
I let it hit me.
I bagged happiness. haha!
Huh? ;)
Saturday, May 23, 2009
now and then
*right now, face to face, all my fears, pushed aside... right now, I'm ready to spend the rest of my life, with you.* - crazy for this girl, evan and jaron
There's no turning back...
It's not like I want to turn back in the first place. I knew that when I felt like saying those words back, I was ready. Or so I thought. hehe.
SIGHing a happy, wondering sigh. Hahahaha! Finally, finally, finally... ;)
Here are the things that I'm missing:
The things that I have to live with right now... are better than those that I'm missing.
So when I said there's no turning back...
I really meant it.
*I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else but here...*
There's no turning back...
It's not like I want to turn back in the first place. I knew that when I felt like saying those words back, I was ready. Or so I thought. hehe.
SIGHing a happy, wondering sigh. Hahahaha! Finally, finally, finally... ;)
Here are the things that I'm missing:
- waking up without having to argue with myself if i should text first or not. (was always resigned not to text first)
- dedicating the cards i read to my non-existent special someone (it gives me the feeling of being in a natural high thinking that someday i might find someone who'd be worthy enough to be given those cards to.hopeless romantic i am!)
- thinking of only me... and me... and me... and just me... haha! selfish?!
- staying up late at night talking to myself, reflecting and dreaming by myself, and laughing and crying only to myself.
- not having to say the way i feel because i am not obliged to and nobody cares what i really think. (i am so fine with that)
- texting and pestering him anytime i feel like it with hesitation. (sorry, naninibago pa ko. cut me some slack!)
- giving the cheesiest cards i could find. (hahahaha!)
- thinking of me, him, me and him, and me with him. (dalawa naman, at least nag improve na, hindi lang puro sarili!)
- staying up late at night talking with him, reflecting, arguing and debating with him, dreaming with him, and laughing and simply feeling sad with him.
- the hardest thing: not being able to use the words "wala lang", "ewan", " hindi ko alam", "basta", and "secret" as answers to the most mind boggling and senseless questions of his.
The things that I have to live with right now... are better than those that I'm missing.
So when I said there's no turning back...
I really meant it.
*I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else but here...*
Friday, May 08, 2009
in danger
"Remember when you said that you would change? ... Don't let me down..."
Wasn't it two summers ago when I can identify myself with Gwen Stefani's 4 in the morning?... That particular line hitting me right through the heart. I remember having to spend a few days at MCM delivery room for completion duty. I was content but not expecting. Then I'd go home late at night, dad would pick me up, and that song would play on the radio, and I would think of him. The tiring story went on and on.
SIGH... scary sigh this time.
I don't know what's with him. I don't know why I believe in him so much. Even before when I accepted the fact that he'll never be the man I almost want him to be with me, I never stopped believing he could change.
I know that there are some truths that I can only feel inside my heart. Maybe I do have a gift of seeing the better side of people despite their monstrosity. I have been warned that if I keep on being like this, I would end up hating the world.
There are no words for this. Time and again, I have heard people say that to explain something that they cannot explain. Now, I find myself saying the same thing.
There are no words for this.
All I know is that, I'm feeling the same feeling I felt before. Hopeful... and still not expecting.
SIGH... how selfless could I still be? I thought I have nothing left to give.
"And all I know is, you've got to give me everything, and nothing less coz you know I'd give you all of me."
Wasn't it two summers ago when I can identify myself with Gwen Stefani's 4 in the morning?... That particular line hitting me right through the heart. I remember having to spend a few days at MCM delivery room for completion duty. I was content but not expecting. Then I'd go home late at night, dad would pick me up, and that song would play on the radio, and I would think of him. The tiring story went on and on.
SIGH... scary sigh this time.
I don't know what's with him. I don't know why I believe in him so much. Even before when I accepted the fact that he'll never be the man I almost want him to be with me, I never stopped believing he could change.
I know that there are some truths that I can only feel inside my heart. Maybe I do have a gift of seeing the better side of people despite their monstrosity. I have been warned that if I keep on being like this, I would end up hating the world.
There are no words for this. Time and again, I have heard people say that to explain something that they cannot explain. Now, I find myself saying the same thing.
There are no words for this.
All I know is that, I'm feeling the same feeling I felt before. Hopeful... and still not expecting.
SIGH... how selfless could I still be? I thought I have nothing left to give.
"And all I know is, you've got to give me everything, and nothing less coz you know I'd give you all of me."
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
choking up on my words
"Heaven knows, I'm head over heels and it shows. I played every field I suppose."
What does playin' every field means for me?
Here's the thing... I am bittersweetly choking up on all the words I said. I had to follow my heart again... my ever dysfunctional heart! Now, I'm swallowing everything that I pronounced... both well and ill feelings, all the periods, commas, question marks and exclamation points... even the sighs! I am gobbling them up as fast as I could just so I could get it done and over with.
It's liberating and hurting at the same time.
Much as I like to put and end to this, I just can't. As far as I am concerned, what is happening now is far from being over.
The only way out of it is through it. There's just no turning back.
Oh... I didn't know I have a thing for boldly facing bedlams. I could be in for another great downfall and here I am, audacious and adamant.
And it's all because I wanna save myself from all the what ifs again.
I am so holding on tight... thought I was getting trampled by a dozen horses. Now I see I am being stepped on by hundreds.
Oh well... There's still tomorrow. I'll keep on trying and trying again to make things right. :'( Gotta stand by the decision I made.
What does playin' every field means for me?
- being truthful about what I feel
- sharing a part of myself even though I have long forgotten how
- lowering my pride and humbling myself in the process
- allowing myself to be happy and trusting
Here's the thing... I am bittersweetly choking up on all the words I said. I had to follow my heart again... my ever dysfunctional heart! Now, I'm swallowing everything that I pronounced... both well and ill feelings, all the periods, commas, question marks and exclamation points... even the sighs! I am gobbling them up as fast as I could just so I could get it done and over with.
It's liberating and hurting at the same time.
Much as I like to put and end to this, I just can't. As far as I am concerned, what is happening now is far from being over.
The only way out of it is through it. There's just no turning back.
Oh... I didn't know I have a thing for boldly facing bedlams. I could be in for another great downfall and here I am, audacious and adamant.
And it's all because I wanna save myself from all the what ifs again.
I am so holding on tight... thought I was getting trampled by a dozen horses. Now I see I am being stepped on by hundreds.
Oh well... There's still tomorrow. I'll keep on trying and trying again to make things right. :'( Gotta stand by the decision I made.
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