Silver lining

Out of desperation, I googled what silver lining means.  All of the definition that I found said seeing the brighter side of things no matter how dark it may seem.

Well, it is definitely easier said than done.  :(

My world is so dark.  I think I could live by having grey clouds all the time in my life, but this darkness that I am in?  It's a different matter.  It's killing me.

I'm looking back at everything that happened in my thirty years of existence.  I'm wondering what I did so wrong to feel like I'm undergoing some kind of unending punishment.  Or it also may be that I am being overly dramatic.  Mild psychosis probably kicking in.

SIGH.

Facebook drives me crazy.  I'm seriously thinking about having my account deactivated for a while. Maybe it's the only thing that could give me peace right now.  Everyone's just so happy.  Why can't I be like them? I want to be happy too... It just feels like happiness have long evaded me.  Like I could never be happy again.    Is this envy that I feel?  Lord, am I being so evil?  I know I am equally blessed.  Maybe what I have and don't have right now is what I deserve because I have not been that good.

All maybe's.  I thought for every pain, there will also be joy in exchange.  Right now, and it's been years that I'm feeling like this... it seems that all there is in life for me is pain.  Or maybe I am just being so pessimistic and ungrateful.  I just can't stand being lost for so long. I honestly don't know what else to do.  My last flicker of hope is about to die soon.

And sleep also have been hard to come by.

Where are you my silver lining?  Please help me get through... please don't let my hope die.  Please let me see you.  Don't fade away from me.