Uncertainty

So here I am... wide awake at the wee hours of the morning. I have to start preparing myself for work in a few hours. I have to get up and start living again, so help me God.

How long has it been since I last wrote something?

I stopped writing... because I promised myself I will not write about a certain person ever again.

Here I am... resisting all the urge to write, but what else can I do? :'(

The year is about the end. Am I happier?

The answer: I really do not know.

I guess this is just how it is... after having your greatest dreams destroyed. I have long stopped trying to rewrite my dreams. I honestly lost all the will to dream. I feel like I can die at any given time and I will be good to go.

I lost my greatest love a year ago. He found someone new to love and wanted me out of his life. It was like I was trash that he had to clean up to make his life more meaningful. He would drink many nights away because he was so miserable being with me when all he wanted was to be with someone else. Being the person that I am, I let him go when I found out. I have always believed love should not be forced. I did not want to force myself into him if he did not feel the same anymore. The pain was indescribable. To make the story short, I gave him what he wanted... because I learned that sometimes, the best way to love someone is by letting go.

That is what I did. Along with his leaving, I had to start rewriting everything... my life, all my hopes and dreams. So what do I do? Almost seven years, and all my decisions always included him. I suddenly had to be on my own.

I stopped asking all the whys. It will almost be a year now since I officially ended it. He was so confused. He did not want me to go because he was so used to having me in his life... but he wanted many things. He wanted her, he wanted to keep me too... and that could not be. I was the one who gave way, because there was nothing left for me to do. It was not worth the fight. I knew I already lost.

We were together for almost seven years... but come to think of it, maybe I have been alone all along. I just always had this feeling, that he never did love me. I just kept pushing the hunch aside because I was that loyal... and stupid. Oh the things I do because of love. I never learn, really.

Like I said, it is almost a year now. I do not cry that much anymore. Everyday that I wake up, I have to convince myself to live one more day. Find joy in the smallest things because that would help me make it through. During my rest days, I would sleep the whole day. I would not eat. I would just sleep. I found that sleeping makes me not think. It is like my goal in life is just surviving every day. I am doing the best I can.

I have become numb. When I see things or when I am situations that remind me of him, I don't hurt anymore. Or maybe I have just gotten used to the pain. I cannot tell anymore.

I pray that he is happy. I hope God sees I am sincere, and that He will give me someone new to love too. Just a wishful thinking. What else can I do?

*I am wide awake at three am and I still find myself thinking of you.* It sucks.