Dear You,
I am in such low spirits. I couldn't sleep because I am too bothered by what transpired this day.
I know I shouldn't let my vulnerability get the best of me, but I could really use a friend right now. I also know that I shouldn't need you... but needless to say, you were the one I thought of. I remember you said, I could talk to you whenever I feel down. Who are we kidding? Looking back now, every time that I felt my life was falling apart, you were the cause, or you were never there. So why need you now?
I only have myself to blame. The past recent weeks, I let you in my life again. I knew it was dangerous. I was so sure of myself, that I am more than okay now... that I could handle it. I can say that I managed my feelings very well. It's just that today, things were too much for me to take. In that past weeks that we've been communicating, it felt like I found a long, lost friend. We had so much to catch up on. Although there are many things unresolved between us, I am happy with the life you were able to build... proud of what you've become.
I remember myself telling you, you shouldn't be needing me. Now that I am feeling this way... this wanting to vent out to you, I find, that I could identify myself with you. This must be how you were feeling back then... when you lost your friend and you desperately needed to feel comforted.
The last time we conversed... you said, unlike me... I have many friends that I can talk to, can open myself up to. Yes, I have many friends... but you know what... that doesn't mean I can always talk to them about what's bothering me. In my years of living away from home, most of the time, when I am deeply troubled, I just keep things to myself. I don't want the people around me to absorb my negativity so I shut myself out. To tell you the truth, I have just gotten so used to being alone... but right now, I feel so alone. Like, I only know myself, and everyone around me are strangers kind of alone.Please don't assume things are so easy for me. This is how it has been for me for the longest time. I hurt by myself. Pour out my cries in my prayers so I wouldn't be a burden to someone else. God only knows how hard I try to hold myself together, for the sake of my sanity.
Maybe it was a really bad day, but like I said, I could really use a friend right now. Like most of my days here, I know I have to endure this alone. You, never being there when I need you, is not something new. I know deep in my heart that I should not be needing you now. Please just know that I am grateful for our friendly conversations the past weeks. My heart felt good that I could see you, and treat you as a friend... after all, you were my best friend for almost seven years.
I know you to be a person who was never good in dealing with goodbyes... so it was always me, who was saying goodbye. How many times have I tried?
We probably will not talk with each other again. Letting you in, must have made it harder for you to figure out what you want in your life. It was never my intention to confuse you in any way. I sincerely was not trying to hold a grudge, because with everything happening all over the world, it is making me realize that life is short, so I should start living my life giving kindness, understanding, forgiveness and love.
I still see you in my dreams. I believe those dreams are God's way of reminding me why we shouldn't be part of each other's lives. I always see how good your life is without me. I don't want to take that away from you. You said it yourself, you're in a good place right now. Thoughts of me were just bothering you, that is why you were feeling, the way you were feeling.
Please don't dwell on it anymore. I always say this because it's true... you have everything that you need. Don't take the people you love, and who love you, for granted. Please keep that in your mind and heart.
I know when the night passes, my being weak will come to pass. It's always like this for me... I would find myself the next day, alive and still breathing. It's the only thing that matters to me for the past four years... that I am alive everyday. I may not know why and what for... but that's all that matters.
I am happy for you. Please don't confuse yourself with thoughts about me anymore. I have long accepted, that things between us, can't go back to the way they were before. Continue building and living your dreams. I will be rooting for you silently, from far away.
Funny how after all this time, my heart still aches... although it does not bleed anymore. I am sorry we turned out this way. I just know I will never be enough for you. You don't deserve someone like me, who has given up on herself.
I guess this time, it really is goodbye.
Sincerely,
A stranger from your past.
