" And from the ballroom floor, we are in celebration. One good stretch before our hibernation.Our dreams assured and we all will sleep well... sleep well...sleep well."

And I stare at you... looking exactly the way I remember you staring at me.  Same year huh? Couldn't be a more perfect time to taunt me and my quintessence.  :'(

I had the strangest talent... spinning pens through my fingers...  as if the greatness of the moment depended on the green Parker and my shaking hands.

Oh dear.

"You have stolen my heart."

I knew why they had to be called Dashboard Confessional...

'Coz if I were pouring my heart out with all my confessions while driving... and everything is a bitter blur like this... like big raindrops are getting in the way of my already feeble sight... I would have then and there straightly knocked my head unto the dashboard.

Ha-ha...right.

"You have stolen my...heart!!!"

Yeah...singing it away! : ' (

The Weekend that was

I can say that it was one of the most tiring weekends I have experienced in my life.

Tiring in a sense that I have to forget myself in order to be strong for other people.  I constantly had to remind myself that the weekend was not about me, but it was about them (the participants that we were serving) and it was for the Lord and not for me.  

I couldn't remember praying that long for anybody else in my entire life.  I didn't regret that I spent most of my time inside the vigil room... it was probably what I needed the most.  It was like being in a different place... full of hope and forgiveness.  

When I got there, I didn't know what to feel.  I was totally clueless as to what my purpose was.  Every time I had the chance to be alone, I kept ranting to God that I totally didn't know what I was doing in that place... how was I going to be any help at all?  What was even my purpose? How could someone like me, with a life so messed up as it was, be exactly of a great intercessor for other people? It was scary... talk about feeling so unworthy! No, I knew I should not be there, but God put me there.  I was supposed to be learning something. But all I felt was the fear of failing everyone especially myself. : (

The weekend got by and many said that we did a great job.  I admit that I didn't feel that I deserved the credit because I wasn't able to help in all the preparations.  All I know is that I tried to help in the best way I could and that is enough for me.

The participants were touched like I was a year ago when I attended the Singles Encounter Weekend. You could see it in their faces.  So I was like that a year ago... so refreshed... like nothing could break my recharged spirit.  Teary eyed but definitely feeling worthy of God's love. 

I wish I was in their place... because I feel just the opposite.  Like I said, my life is so messed up.  I am currently in a phase where I don't know where to go... where everything is easier said than done.  I have lost direction.  The more I try to look for a road I should walk on, the more God is telling me to stay put.  Or maybe I am just not listening enough... or maybe... He's just not answering me yet because it is not yet the time to answer.  

Quoting pat... "Is it wrong to want something so bad?" 

No, I don't think it is... but I know how it hurts when what  you want so much is the one thing that God doesn't seem to want to give to you.  

I don't know why I had to be at the SEW the weekend that passed.  It was partially fulfilling to see that I have been part of helping other people realize how much God loves them.  At the end of the weekend, the only thing I could commend about me is that I had thought more of others than I thought of myself... I realized I can be unselfish if I will it.  Other than that... I just feel empty... a bit sad even.  As if the culmination of it all... left a void in me that can never be filled. : (

Why am I feeling this hopelessness? Like I am never going to be happy? : (