a new beginning

It's been more than a month since I last wrote any thought of mine. All of what I felt were kept inside of me. I thought I'd never write again. Dreadful were the nights that I wished for nothing more but for sleep to take over and make me feel nothing.

I was resigned to continue my quest for happiness. I was hoping that despite what I lost, I could turn things back 'round... but God works in ways even I cannot imagine. He took away some, and after losing, He took away even more.

I tried writing... but I could not. It felt as though I was writing with blood. Every time I tried scribbling a word, my train of thought became too messed up, because my heart cried... and my head tried to hold myself together. Once again, I found that my heart and mind were not in sync.

I went through an unexpected ordeal. A storm came, and a great flood followed. I do not wish to relate all of the details, because for one, it was a most unpleasant one. The rushing of flood water inside our house was the last thing I thought of ever experiencing. In less than ten minutes, our home was filling up with flood water and we had to save our lives first and leave our possessions. I was the last to come out of the house. The flood was like a great current, and before I was able to come out, I was pushed back a little bit. Traumatic it was. Who would have thought I'd be bathing in flood? At least we were able to leave before the water rose too high. When we came out, it was already chest deep. Unbelievable.

So for a night, we were homeless. It was terrible having no house to come home to. :'( All our cars were left in the garage, submerged in flood. I didn't want to imagine what the house would look like after all of that was over. I was already heartbroken and because of that circumstance, my heart broke even more. How unlucky could I still get? Parang sunod sunod naman yata ang malas ko...

When we came back a day after... our house was a total mess. It was worse than chaos. There was water and mud everywhere... and everything was the oppossite of spic and span. I did not know where and how to start cleaning. The house looked as devastated as I was feeling inside.

It turned out that I lost all my clothes (haha, I need a wardrobe change!), no problem. :) That did not affect me. Pwede namang labhan e. What really broke my heart was all the priceless possessions of mine that got destroyed. I did not intend to throw them away... but they got thrown out anyway. So spiteful. Lost all my diaries (more than a dozen diaries), notebook of poems :'(, all my cards, letters, pictures... all of which were tokens of my yesterdays, both happy and sad. :'( And most of the things that got broken in the house were mostly my things... hmm... what the hell was God trying to tell me?

String of phrases: let go... start anew... stop living in the past... face the present...

I needed to stop bringing back all of the things that were long destroyed and lost.

It was tough work. I must admit, cleaning the house rid my mind of hurtful thoughts and it helped me get by. My body ached like crazy. I thought all of my bones would break. It was so exhausting. The nights were restless too. I am glad it is over.

Because of what happened, I realized that I should be grateful for the warmth of the sun. Call me shallow or whatever, but I can now walk under the sun without an umbrella. Arte ko kase dati e. Now, I learned that I should not wait for the storm to pass for me to appreciate the sun.

I am standing in a new beginning. I have my heart back. I am waiting for a brighter tomorrow. I cannot give up now. I need to move forward as always.

I am still healing. Once in a while, I would feel a pang ... but I am slowly learning to live with it. I was reminded how pain can expand the heart. When your heart is feeling heavy, full to breaking, it is being stretched to a new capacity for love. Every time I get hurt, I keep asking how I could still love? That is exactly the answer. Each time I get broken, I end up being able to love more than I did before. Amazing how God heals the brokenhearted. :) He fixes it by filling the cracks, and makes it bigger and capable of holding more love. All hope is not lost.

Look at me... I am writing again. I am doing what I love the most. Even now as I am typing away all of my random musings, I can feel myself bleeding... but then I realize, even blood can dry up. Before I know it, my suffering will be nothing but a distant memory. A pain that is long forgotten.

Like I said, I got to keep hoping.

***"But I don't think time is gonna heal this broken heart.
No, I don't know how it can if it's broken all apart.
A million miracles could never stop the pain
or put all the pieces together again...
And when you hear this song, I hope that you will see
that time won't heal a broken hearted me."-anne murray***

**I love this song... I don't like the lyrics, because it is most pathetic, but I used to sing along with it. I am promising myself that I will not allow myself to be able to relate with it, because I know time will heal a broken hearted me. I refuse to believe that I'll never be healed. :)**