kababawan

"patawarin mo ako... mapaglarong isipan. Mapapatawad mo ba ako? O sadyang nakakalimutan ang mga sulat ko sa 'yo?"

<------000------>

Nagkaroon na naman ng practice kagabi para sa caroling ng ComLec. Akalain mo ba naman, desido mga taong ituloy! Wala akong magawa kundi makisakay sa gusto nila...para naman din sa kapakanan ng grupo naman ang gagawin namin...kahit na kahit konti, magmumukha kaming tanga.

Malamig na naman ang gabi... malungkot ang aking pagkatao pagkagaling kong simbahan. Ang daming nangyari... kahit naman wala. Iba na talaga ang nagagawa ng isang mapaglarong isipan gaya ng utak ko. Kababawan? Siguro nga... pero hindi ko maiwasan maging mababaw.

Mababaw ako... kase nung nagdadasal ako pagkatapos ng kumunyon, naisip ko na naman siya at naiyak ulit ako. Naisip kong hindi na niya ko naiisip... pagod siya lagi at wala nang puwang ang anu mang maiuugnay sa akin sa kanyang isipan bago siya matulog. Iniyakan ko na 'tong kapraningan na 'to ng ilang gabi dati...at hanggang ngayon iniiyakan ko pa rin ngayon. Sinabi ko na sa kanya 'to noon e. Sagot niya:"Anong gusto mong gawin ko?!"

Hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko. Ano nga bang gusto kong gawin niya?

Ang dami kong naisip kagabi. Nakaupo lamang ako sa isang silya sa youth center, habang kumakanta sila ng winter wonder land, pinipigilan ko ang pagtulo ng aking luha. Buti na lang at sinisipon ako, hindi nila nahalata...pero gusto ko nang sumabog! Pagod na 'kong maging malungkot... pagod na pagod na 'ko.

Ano nga bang gusto kong gawin niya? Hindi ko alam... sana magbalik na ang dating siya, kahit na alam kong habang buhay na yun nawala. Sana bumalik ang mga umaga, tanghali at gabing nangungulit siya sa telepono. Ang sarap pakinggan ng mga sinasabi niya lagi...parang imposible matapos ang lahat.

Pero ngayon, pagkatapos ng mga malulungkot na pangyayari, akala ko lumipas na ang kalungkutan ko. Napatawad ko na siya, pero hindi na yata mawawala lahat ng takot sa akin. Isang taon pa siguro bago mawala 'tong kapraningan ko.

Lagi akong nagtatanong kung bakit lahat ng mga mahal ko sa buhay ay malayo sa akin ngayon... siya, sila mommy... mga kaibigan ko sa LB... ang dami kong hinagpis...pero lahat ng nangyayari ngayon ay kagustuhan ko rin. Pinili kong subukang isalba ang aming relasyon, at isinakripisyo ko ang pag-aaral ko sa LB, para lang makasama ko siya. Akala ko kase, ang lahat ng bagay ay gaya lang ng dati... na parang hindi na matatapos ang lahat.

Hindi ko naisip na nagbago na siya. Alam kong nagbago na siya, pero hindi ko lang inisip ng mabuti. Alam kong kaya na niyang mabuhay ng wala ako. Tinanong ko siya kung anong gagawin niya kapag nangyari 'yon. Ang dati niyang sagot: "hindi yan..." Nakakatuwa... napaka positibo mag-isip.Pero ngayon, ang sagot niya:"Masakit sa 'kin, pero kakayanin ko..." Ang sakit diba? Ang hirap palang tanggapin ng mga pagbabago.

Bakit ko iniisip ang mga 'to? Bakit ko pinahihirapan ang sarili ko?

Dahil 'di tulad niya, kahit na pagod na pagod na ako pagsapit ng gabi, siya pa rin ang naiisip ko bago ako makatulog. Araw araw, umaga, tanghali, at gabi, tumitingin ako sa aking cell phone, nagbabakasakaling may mensaheng manggagaling sa kanya...kahit na alam kong matagal na niya 'yong hindi ginagawa.Dahil 'di tulad niya, maraming lugar, salita at bagay dito sa Pilipinas na nakapagpapaalala sa akin tungkol sa kanya.

Bakit ko ba pinahihirapan sarili ko? Kung sinasabi mong sagad na sa buto ang kababawan ko...marahil nga.

Paano ko maiibsan ang aking matinding pangungulila na 'di naman nasusuklian?

Inkling for vacation

I had a good morning, I hope my day would end good as well.

It was the first night of simbang gabi last night. I went to church with Paula and Eloisa. Ate Rica was there but I didn't see her. (I met Karizma at school after Rizal class this morning and she told me she saw me at church last night but I didn't see her either.) I felt great! I walked by myself on the way to church. The night air was cold and the houses were shining brightly with christmas lights. Sigh... lapit na talaga pasko!

I have a not so complicated wish that I'm praying to unfold. Sana pagbigyan ako ni God!

I woke up feeling good... it must be because I had a good night. Basta, my morning started good. I reviewed for our exam in Rizal for this morning thirty minutes before I left for school. I couldn't bring myself to study last night, I was feeling extremely lazy. The exam, as it turned out, was a piece of cake. I am sure to pass.(I have a feeling our professor got lazy while making the questionnare!haha!)

Jesher surprisingly called while I'm spending my time in the computer shop... just a few minutes ago actually. Wala lang, masaya lang ako kase tumawag siya.Namiss niya ko, haha, feeling talaga ako! He was about to go to sleep na so we didn't talk too much. My cell phone's battery is not functioning well too so we couldn't prolong our conversation... if you can call that a conversation.

Tinatamad na talaga ako pumasok. I'm so excited for my classes to end! I want to sing christmas songs and I want to eat christmas foods!(the ever traditional hamon!)I'm looking forward to having a better christmas than last year... and definitely a better birthday. Bad trip birthday ko last year e.I also pray that Jesher and I stay cool.

I'm singing a new song. The song really suits mo because I gotta stop being paranoid and all."I don't wanna take advice from fools, I'll just think that everything is cool, 'til I hear it from you..." I'm not sure if the lyrics were right, pero I'm determined to do what the song said. I shouldn't think of such heartbreaking thoughts about him and me, and whenever I have doubts, I should not think of them too much until he implies that there is really something to think about.

"I woke up this morning I was starin' at the ceiling cracks..."
>>>>>000<<<<<

Heart beating...
heart drumming...
heart thinking ...
heart breaking...

I wasn't really staring at the ceiling cracks! (that's a line from Cynthia Alexander's song, Comfort in your strangeness) I was more like staring at the bed linings above me.(I sleep at the bottom bed of a double deck bed) And when I woke up, it was still a bit dark, I only had the little angel lamp on.

My sleeps had been dreamless... thank God! I didn't want my nightmare to actually reccur. I keep singing God is the strength of my heart until I fall asleep. The night I spent with Eloisa and Paula affected me so much! I feel so cowardly now. Harhar! Maybe like my paranoia it will pass.

Heart beating, because i feel like a nervous wreck every night, and I can feel my heart drumming like crazy. Then out of the scary things I'm thinking about comes thoughts about him and me and I would let my thoughts get the best of me and then my heart would start to break.

Hahaha! Realization: He's not even doing anything! In fairness to him, he's texting me every now and then. Bumabawi! Wala lang, I really should get hold of myself. I'm thinking too much am I not?

It's gonna be Eloisa's party tonight. Sana maging masaya ang kinalabasan.

>>>>>000<<<<<

"... I have seen, I have been to places far and deep in my mind, only to find comfort in your strangeness..."

Dumdidumdidum

My morning definitely didn't start right. I woke up pretty late and I wasn't able to attend my first class. Sigh... nakakapanhinayang pero wala na akong magagawa. At least it really wasn't my intention to cut class.

I attended Life with the Lord's prayer meeting again last night. It was better than the first one I think. Although the sounds and music were missing... mas na feel ko lang 'yung prayer nung facilitator. I was touched talaga. After that, tambay muna kami nila Paula and Eloisa sa pickup ni Paula. Wala lang, chika lang and other stuffs. We ended up scaring each other out of our wits. We talked about ghosts, nightmares(I had a not so creepy one last Thursday) and things alike... and to think we're in front of the church! We left some time after all the people had already left. Wala lang, feel lang naming tumambay under the not so starlit sky.

It's so cold na talaga! Hahaha! I was shivering when I took a bath this morning! I was jumping like crazy when the water touched my head. Parang sumakit ulo ko sa lamig ng tubig! Grabe, christmas is really drawing near. Tuwing December lang talaga ako nilalamig ng ganito.

Jesher texted me this morning. I don't know what to feel. Syempre I felt relieved that he remembered me... wala lang, finally diba? I know it's wrong to feel this way pero I just don't feel special anymore. Sigh, maybe I just got tired of his reasons... that's all. A person can be busy naman talaga, pero you can give time for everything naman if you're willing to give time. How many seconds will it take to reply to a text message? Sigh... pero he's so busy that he couldn't even do a little thing such as that. Maybe I'm just not worth thinking about. Kaya nga I feel relieved everytime he makes me feel that I'm being missed... being remembered. Kase feel ko, I'm not that special anymore.

And that's the reason why I still cry. I know I had forgiven him for what he's done, pero I can't overcome this new feeling yet. It's worst than feeling lonely. It's like having my heart broken all over again.

Well... nagreply na lang ako through yahoo messenger... I sent an off-line message. Marereceive naman niya 'yon diba? I'm not trying to get not too attatched anymore, I know and God knows I won't be able to as of now... he's too special, it's just that I'm wishing he'd know how I feel everytime I text him and he doesn't reply. Kahit na 'lam ko na he won't be affected. Ewan ko ba, nalipat na yata sa 'kin yung paranoia niya nung nandito pa siya sa Pilipinas. Namiss ko tuloy yung dating siya...he's such a changed person. Pero kahit na he's so different now, I still love him for who he is. Kahit na I don't feel special anymore. Siguro paranoia lang din 'to. I'll just let it pass, maybe I'll be okay after a week or so.

Mahirap pero Madali

Mahirap pero Madali

Ika-18 ng Hulyo, 2002
Huwebes
3:28 ng hapon

Napakadaling sabihin na ayos lang ako
...marahil punung-puno ng enerhiya
ang tinig ko sa telepono
E ano namang magagawa mo?
Ang layo-layo mo...sobrang layo.

Madali lang sabihing pinagkakatiwalaan kita
kahit lagi akong nag-aalalang
may mahahanap kang iba
anong magagawa ko?
Gusto ko lang lumigaya sa piling mo.

Kay daling sabihin na hindi ako nagseselos
tuwing ikinukwento mo ang babaeng
lapit ng lapit sa 'yo
nakakainis, pero anong pwede kong gawin?
Wala ako sa tabi mo para kita'y solohin.

Naniniwala ka ba sa lahat ng sinasabi ko?
Sana naman maramdaman mo
na nahihirapan akong sabihin ang mga sinasabi ko.

---o0o---

Pamatay! Wala lang, this is one of my spur-of-the-moment poems! Grabe! The things I came up to write because of him! Wala lang... =)

Passing the time away

My mind had been pre-occupied lately. Hindi na nga ko nakakapagsulat sa diary ko e. The poems that I'm itching to write are stuck in my head and when I finally feel like writing them, I forget the words.

Sigh... I don't think my sighing moments will ever stop. Every now and then I feel the need to sigh. I finally think sighing is good for me... I can breathe out silent words I long to shout out without anyone knowing what that sigh mean.

LSS was good. It was overwhelming. The invoking of the Holy Spirit was a bit creepy but I felt good and secured. There was a blinding flash of light before me, it was crazy coz I had my eyes closed. I wish the laying of hands lasted forever. I didn't want to stop crying. I wanted to spill all my hurts... because after all this time I still am hurting. I don't know how to heal myself. Unpleasant thoughts keep on popping in my head and no one's by my side to assure me that everything's gonna be alright. I don't know, I just feel lonely.

I attended mass last night. It was heartwarming to see Eloisa and Rica's faces. Wala lang, I can feel God telling me to stop wallowing in self pity everytime I see them. The world becomes a better place when I'm with them. We can have fun from nothing at all. I think that's seeing life in a brighter way.

Jesher and I... I don't know. I'm out of words. I guess we're okay, but I couldn't feel him. I understand he's busy and all, but I wish he'd think of texting sometimes... I wish he had Pat's way of making me feel remembered. I feel so absurd realizing people think that I'm such a Jesher devotee and a damsel in distress. The latter is so not true, or so I would like to think. Sigh... this is just my life. I'm hurting and feeling lonely but I wouldn't want to have it any other way. I just pray that I would feel his love from far away. I'm glad that he's still calling during the weekends... God, you know I would have died inside if he does not. He's one of the best things that ever happened to me, and if having him means feeling this pain forever, then I'm willing to bear it with the best I can. I'm trying my best to keep myself busy so as not to think of him all the time... but he's simply everywhere! I wish I didn't make him such a part of me.

...ooo000ooo...

"I await for the sound that cheers me so
the stillness of the air awaits with me
but when I see that I have waited for so long
I only hear my cry, so melancholy...

I move on with my life
left with nothing but simple goals
I lost everything
but my so empty soul..."

Harhar! I wrote that poem after he left. I couldn't remember the exact same words, but I think it goes more or less this way. The stanzas above are the first and last stanza of the poem.

I had been pathetic then and I still am now... but with God's grace and mercy, I think my soul is not that empty. I can only laugh at that poem now.

LSS was good... I filled the emptiness of my soul. Though the feeling of loneliness comes flashing through my naive being every now and then... I think I'll be okay. I'm gonna be okay. God is good. He make sure everything falls into place just when things seem to fall apart.