"We act strong when we are really not." Dr. M
It will almost be a month since Dr. M left us... left me. We still keep in touch, as she calls every now and then. She would call our Department's landline number, and I would still recognize her number. I think it will take time before everything about her... all about us, wears off of me.
"I am taking a deep breath, so I don't cry."
She was very emotional. She poured her heart out. It took me back to the times we would squeeze in brief heart to heart moments, in between patients. How we were able to do that, I could only wonder. I hardly ate during my stint with her. We were just so busy... but I loved working with her.
I couldn't let my sentimentality get the best of me, because I had to focus on my tasks. I consciously brushed aside whatever I was feeling. We were busy as usual. I had to mind the motions first, before owning my emotions.
If truth be told, I wanted to cry. I just couldn't. I feel like my conversation with Dr. M triggered it even more.
I just feel so swamped. Now that I am taking a breather, at the comfort of my bed, I feel like I am about to burst. I am calmer at this rate. I was such a wreck just half an hour ago. I prayed, and as I write now, I am listening to worship songs via Spotify. I am willing my heart to be still.
Sometimes I just don't know what to do to help myself anymore. I think I am going mental. This mind of mine won't stop thinking. My few friends who know how I cope, are expressing their worry. I said I could still manage, but could I really?
"It's either you tire yourself too much, or you sleep it away."
Wow. Said my great friend who has been residing in US for two years now. Double check. 😂
"One step at a time." She said.
I know. I know. As I typed these two words, I released yet another good cry.
Even at this moment, a lot is still coursing through my head. Securing the papers I need. Sorting for work, so many approvals. The declining of my health. Facing my family, and laying on the table, what I truly want. Deciding where to go from here.
Stop. I need to stop.
I am lifting everything up to God, because it's the only way I know.
So you see, could you really blame me for sleeping things away?
We act strong even when we are really not, because we have to.
***My write ups are floating aimlessly in the recesses of my brain. Praying I would soon find time to jot them all down.
