still healing

Sigh... sana wala pa ring pasok ngayon,pero ganon talaga buhay...kailangang magpatuloy.

I was extremely happy last week... but my happiness didn't last long. I was feeling empty (again?!) this week. Ewan ko ba,it's so hard to get so used to everything you do. Everything is just a routine you have to go through, you can't find a meaning in what you do. One minute you want a simple life, next minute you want more... SIGH! Forgive me Lord for not being contented. I have everything I need and I still want more.

The week was sluggish. No, the week was fast, I don't know. I don't remember. Hahaha! I'm lost in myself. I hope I can find me again.

T.A. met again yesterday. It was fun hanging around with them as always...or am I just so hungry to not think of something or someone else? Dy was absent... I know why! Harhar! It's like I need to see them once in a while. I have become so dependent on them when it comes to comforting...but the sight of their faces also brings back memories... and I still get hurt just by seeing them. They remind me so much of him,pero like what the song the art of letting go says: I'm holding on to what I want most. Shuck... I gotta stop loving the pain. I wish I'd find myself soon. I hope I'd learn to love myself more.

By the wayz, we had another videoke session at Villa Honrade last Sunday night. It was fun! (Look at me now...my voice got lost in the wind,haha!) I wish living life was as easy as singing with the videoke machine...but it isn't.

Sigh...my next class is three hours away, how do I kill my ever boring time?

Sorry Lord for being so bitter...

cough and colds

I can't believe it... two weeks after not totally getting my voice back, here I go again... *cough*,*cough*,*sniff*,*sniff*! I got cough and colds again!...again! Hindi na ba mawawala 'to?!!! panic mode na 'ko...baka may sakit na 'ko sa baga niyan!

Sigh... anywayz, I deserve it. Lately, I have been taking my health for granted. I keep staying out late on weekends, I don't eat on time (sometimes I don't even eat), I don't get enough sleep(something's really wrong with my body clock... I feel sleepy during day time and I'm like an owl in the night) and I don't take vitamins.

I definitely enjoyed my week last week. Harhar! It's fun to be bad sometimes... I was lonely on valentine's day but Sky and Dy were there to celebrate with me by pigging out on Albert's fetuccini. And I was happy because of something...harhar!It's fun to be bad sometimes!Thanks to that rear view mirror reminiscing moment! I had a great Friday night and Saturday too. I was able to talk with Jesher and it was fun having petty fights with him.

I really enjoyed last week. Then last Sunday, videoke to the max uli. Hala! Ayaw talaga paawat,'yan tuloy, paos ang aabutin ko.

A friend sent me a message through friendster. (If you're reading this,you know who you are. I'm really glad to hear from you after a long time. Just hold on tight...I hope you're okay now, I'll pray for you always. Thank you for your concern...it feels like we're back in the old times kahit 'di na tayo nagkikita. Hehe... send me a message again if you need anything,okay. God bless!)

*Cough*cough*cough*

Shucks! I'm finding it hard to breathe again. Good luck to me... I hope I'm still alive tomorrow.

dreamboy

I absolutely had a good night! I missed the prayer meeting again... yeah...shameful, I promise to make up for it next time.

We watched Dreamboy last night... Sky treated Jel,Mhay,Ms. Beck and me! We came upon Ms.Beck in National Bookstore... it was crazy! haha! I could only laugh!

I really don't have time to write more. I just really need to say how I feel.

I miss Jesher. I hope he gets to have fun over there like I do here.

rear view mirror

"Try to say it's over, say the word goodbye, but each time it catches in my throat. You're still here in me, and I can't set you free, so I hold on to what I wanted most. Maybe someday we'll be friends forever more...wish I could open up that door..."

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

I feel like emoting this thursday morning with no reason at all. I had a sound trip before I left home and I got to listen to the song "the art of letting go".Not merely a month ago, I thought I'd be singing that...Well, I'm singing it... it's just that it's not about my life story this time.

Harhar! Something made me smile yesterday. Can't really tell what it is...I just can't.I feel so care free.

Rear view mirror

I remembered how it felt like

looking at the rear view mirror,

you'd give a blank stare

and I'd give back one.

No high five, no entry...

that was how it was,

but I kept on passing without any passes.

You were there

and so was I...

I didn't know if your eyes

were talking with me or not.

Childish memories...

how they were kept alive

inside my mind.

You flooded my thoughts

and how I wished then

that I flooded yours.

But I suppose

and abashingly admit

everybody felt that way about you.

So here I am

wondering and relating

to all the stuffs they're saying about you.

I thought the high five days were back again,

the sensless writing of poems that rhyme,

the pretense of an anger..

that was in truth, admiration.

I remember how it felt like.

How I wish I was back

in the old good times...

but I'm not.

We're worlds apart.

I write poems now

without words that ryhme.

That's the way it will forever be...

the world is too big for you and me.

Harhar! I could only smile.I haven't felt this way for a very long time.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

"Now here it comes, the hardest part of all, unchain my heart that's holding on. How do I start to live my life alone? Guess I'm just learning...learning the art of letting go."

Crazy for this girl lyrics

This song is driving me crazy... any girl would want a guy to feel this way about her... sigh... guess I'll just keep on dreaming then.

-------000-------

Crazy for this girl

She rolls the window down
And she Talks over the sound
Of the cars that pass us by
And I don't know why But she's changed my mind

Would you look at her
She looks at me
She's got me thinking about her constantly
But she don't know how I feel
And as she carries on without a doubt
I wonder if she's figured out
I'm crazy for this girl
Yeah, I'm crazy for this girl

She was the one to hold me
The night The sky fell down
And what was I thinking
when The world didn't end
Why didn't I know what I know now

Would you look at her
She looks at me
She's got me thinking about her constantly
But she don't know how I feel
And as she carries on without a doubt
I wonder if she's figured out
I'm crazy for this girl
Yeah, I'm crazy for this girl

Right now
Face to face
All my fears
Pushed aside
And right now
I'm ready to spend the rest of my life
With you

Would you look at her
She looks at me
She's got me thinking about her constantly
But she don't know how I feel
And as she carries on without a doubt
I wonder if she's figured out
I'm crazy for this girl
Yeah, I'm crazy for this girl

I wish I didn't get out of bed this morning. I arrived at school just in time for my Rizal class only to find out that we won't have a class. Our room was locked. Beat me! All that waking up early for nothing! Hmph! I could only rant! Now, I spend my time in the internet shop to pass the time away... my next class is three hours away! Hmph! Could I get any grumpier?

Sigh... three successive unfruitful days. How can my life get worst? Days like this I wish I wasn't able to wake up. Forgive me Lord for not being thankful... and when You give me days that put me into rush I complain... it's hard being a human.

The week is about to end, Friday's coming and I can hardly wait. I missed the prayer meeting last week and it left me craving for it. I think my system just got used to it. Is that such a happy thought or what?

I'm enjoying my time at home so much. I never felt so peaceful in there. I just want to lie down or sit on my bed. Or maybe write while having a good sound trip. Yesterday, the day was so tranquil ,couldn't ask God for more. Thoughts of him still came rushing in my mind... I welcomed them, and I thank God for giving me the ability to love him like that because His love is far greater.

Sigh...

I wonder when my soul would be satisfied with everything that I used to feed... my sould has long died, now I don't know what I heed.(These are lines from my poem Falling Debris way back from highschool. Just feel like writing the lines because I'm feeling this way again.)

Sigh... another unfruitful monday. I feel nothing... I don't know what to feel.

Yesterday, I had a blast. Our planning in Tagaytay worked out right for me, I wish I could stay there forever... talking silentlty to pineapple fields. I just hope that all our plans for the year would take place without so much violent comments on the part of the elders. Hahaha... we've been going through so much... I have been going through so much...

Lalalala...I am so out of words. I am not happy , but I am not sad either. Lord, I'm feeling empty again, I am so sorry. Forgive me Lord, for I woke up this morning feeling ungrateful for being alive. My life is so empty. It's like my soul has long died. I'm just so tired of being alone, I don't wanna feel lonely anymore, but the feeling comes creeping all over me each time.

I was able to talk with him last Saturday night. It was hilarious! He called because he just dreamt about me having another boyfriend! Wish ko lang! Harhar! If that was true, I bet I wouldn't feel as lonely as I am now. Hay... until now, he doesn't realize what he means to me. I have been so pathetic for so long, but that still wasn't enough for him to know it's impossible for me, as of now, to be in love or attracted to someone else. I guess life's just like that.

I am currently listening to Coldplay's "The Scientist"... he told me once he'd sing this song to me if I decide to break up with him. I think he forgot to sing this to me when I did weeks ago. Kalungkot naman 'tong kantang 'to...walang kasiguruhan.

Right now, I'm really looking forward for the day to end. I need to sleep badly.

=+++=+++=+++=

Unchanged

I walk on by

to the streets I alwalys knew.

Nothing has changed.

The gray pavement,

the withering lamp post,

the electric wires hanging low over the roofs.

My morning was the usual morning.

I walk on by alone,

feeling ungrateful for the day ahead of me.

Nothing has changed.

Summer has not yet come,

my face and hands

still feel the cold

as if it was still winter time.

I walk on by

trudging the path before me.

Nothing has changed.

And nothing will ever change

until you come around

and make me whole again.

=+++=+++=+++=

haha, topak na naman ako! ang drama, i write things when I don't know how I feel. Labo dude!

hah

I wasn't able to attend the prayer meeting last night. I was feeling sick... forgive me Lord, my spirit was willing but my flesh was weak.

Sigh... here I go sighing again. I had trouble sleeping last night. My sister and I had a talk. She was feeling tired after a major fight with her boyfriend, and we talked about something and someone else. Our talk left me sad. I don't know, I was just really miserable after. All these things that people are coping with just to have a relationship... I could only cry with their sad stories. I can feel their pain, and as much as I don't wanna think of myself again, I keep comparing their situation with mine. I feel like crying more when a certain story ended good. How I envy the ending, I wish there would be a happy ending waiting for me... but I know life is not a fairy tale... why am I being so dramatic again? What's with Saturdays anyway?

It's just sad to see people falling apart... it makes me hopeless. I feel like I've been putting myself in deep water for years. I envy most of them, because they don't have to deal with distance... they are the ones making the distance, I really do wish I was in their position. What I wouldn't give to have him back here? I couldn't sleep after eating dinner because I was crying again. Ate Lara must have sensed I was upset because before she went to sleep, she adviced me not to cry for I won't be able to breathe again (I'm having a hard time to breathe, remember? I got this damn cold that won't leave me). I could only laugh... am I that transparent? Or maybe I'm just that parallel upfront and behind. She knows me too well.

Lord, I am feeling lonely again. Please take the loneliness away... if I am meant to feel this, then help me bear the feeling. I miss him so much, I feel like my longing for him will never end. Give me the courage to carry out Your plans for me. I feel like we're both slipping away, and it breaks my heart so... help me get through the pain, please Lord. I'm so tired of feeling this way. Please help me be strong for the two of us... help me accept Your will even if it would hurt.

I'm hoping the day would end better. I woke up feeling so much better, I can't wait to go home and get some sleep.

()()()()()()()()()
"Over the mountains and the sea, Your river runs with love for me, and I will open up my heart and let The Healer set me free..."

Sigh... I hope He sets me free soon.

Happy happy talk

I'll be waiting, I'll be watching, under a blue moon. A taste of heaven, can only happen, once in a blue moon.
-0-0-0-0-0-

Long time no write! I was feeling sick the whole week and last week was crazy... I don't remember much about it.

How's my life so far?... so much better! I am so glad I am finally typing these words: I am happy.
Reasons why I'm happy:
I don't feel as empty.
I can breathe normally again because my colds lightened up a bit.
Jesher's trying to make up for things.
I passed all my midterm exams.
I now know how to enjoy my time with my friends.
Emilie gave birth to Iñaqui, my first ever godson, last Monday night(9:21pm).

So many things happened. Apparently, I wasn't quite alright when I wrote my last entry for my blog (which has a new template again in case you didn't notice... I just seem to can't get enough!). I guess I was really sad that time. I didn't know if I made the right decision about holding on to our relationship or not. So many questions bothered me. I had so many fears. It seemed like my anxieties would never end.

Now, I still have many questions. I still have many fears, but... I don't know. I just feel so carefree. Maybe the healing last prayer meeting helped. I cannot explain why I suddenly feel this way. Maybe I finally learned how to not expect too much... to not limit my world with so much thoughts of him. I still love him... a lot... but I'm trying to still move on with all the hurts. I know I can't leave them all behind, but I'm trying my best to embrace them until I can feel the pain no more. I am weird. As I look back on our fateful and heartbreaking conversation, I could only smile now, when I could only breakdown before. I just had so many realizations. I finally was able to love myself... after all these years of giving my heart to someone else.

I can't wait to see Sky, Dyann, Mhay and Jellyn again. In a span of days, I was able to learn so much from them. I forgot how to be a child, and they reminded me how. I never knew life could be so much fun, I had been missing a lot (thanks to my strict parents and to my strict self).

... Jesher? He will always be everywhere for me... I can't promise that I would think of him less, but I definitely know I would start to forgive him bit by bit. It's just that I can feel we're both bitter about life. Maybe that's the reason why we're both going through hardships this much. I don't wanna be bitter anymore. It's so tiring, and it sucks the life out of me. It's bad enough that one of us is... I hope I can be strong for him always. Even if it means ending up as his friend. Hey... that's not so bad either. Right now, I'm just enjoying what I have. I don't wanna expect the worst...because I know God knows best... and I have the best. Best pain, best happiness, best blessings, and the best love that is suitable for me.