Growing Up

Warning: medyo long entry. drama moment e.

This morning, over breakfast, my brother was telling me the highlights of his week at school. (He took the last exam of the quarter yesterday thus, he felt free as a bird. He was so ready to slack around and get lazy!)

I noticed that his voice sounded different. It was so LOW... I wondered when the changing of his voice started. It was like I didn't take the time to notice. Or I just thought I knew him too much that a change of note in his voice didn't bother me that much, but this morning, it caught my attention. Then when he stood up to replenish his glass with water, I took note of his sky rocketing height(okay, so that's exaggerated).

It was after noticing the change in my brother that I started thinking of my other siblings as well. Gel-gel sat beside me, looking sulky, feeling like she's forcing herself to move and hating the thought that she still had to go to school. From being my little, kikay, sister, she has become a little lady. All by myself, I marveled at her maturity at such an age (she's seventeen now), and I was convinced that she was a 22 year old trapped in a body of a 17 year old. Gone are the days when I used to freshen her up like a doll. She's even more fashionable than me!

Then I thought of Zsa-zsa... I used to call her my most immature sibling. Now struggling with school, my sister next to me, would be, hopefully, graduating soon. Although immature, we all call her, I had seen the improvement with her once naive thoughts. Even she was growing... and she was even better at growing than I was. Zsa-zsa can be more reliable when it comes to budgeting and the accounting stuffs. I am older than her, but I would wash my hands off that responsibility the moment I get the chance. Hehe. (come to think of it, parang mas immature pa ko!)

Then, I thought of ate Lara. For the last two weeks I kept mentioning that I was missing her. (Naiiyak ako.. kase miss ko na talaga sya. 'Di ko lam kung bakit.) She just got married. Before the wedding took place, I think letting go of her was as hard for me as it was for my dad. I know she's still my sister, and every time she comes here for a visit, it feels like nothing has changed... but little by little, I can feel something's changing. Maybe I'll write about it next time. One time, she went here wearing her new ID. It said her name was Lara T. Beato. I remember commenting to myself how ugly her name had become. Haha! I was just so used to seeing it as Lara Tedor. It was odd not seing the "TEDOR" anymore. Somehow, it brought a pang in my heart.

I thought of how we were. My siblings and I... when life was younger. My sisters and I all slept in the same room. We had two double decks facing each other. There were many nights before going to sleep that we'd have last minute gossips that would last for hours sometimes. We'd take a peek at who ever was speaking, even in the dark we thought we could see each others' faces well. (more tears, kakamiss!) Lahat ng galaw ng isa't isa mararamdaman mo kase nagiingay yung mga kama! :D

Every thing's so different now. Ate Lang's married... Zsa's always in Diliman. Gel always has a world of her own and Jett is so stubborn. My sisters and I don't sleep on the double decks anymore. We don't get complete during friday nights anymore. I used to feel content just having them around me...

With ate Lang married and all, I now take the responsibility of being the eldest daughter. Well, she will always be the eldest, but she doesn't live with us anymore, so I'm like the acting eldest child. I SUCK AT IT. I don't know how she did it all those years... being the eldest, and always knowing what to do, being so rational ever, being authoritative and assertive... I'm havin' a hard time. I hate it when dad reprimands me because of jett's carelessness. I hate myself for helping my sisters ask for dad's permission to go out on parties and the likes (I can't help fighting for the fun they want to have coz I felt deprived of it for so long and I don't want them to feel what I felt), in turn, I become accountable for all their actions. If they don't go home on time, ako lagot. ANG HIRAP. Ako lagi tinatanong.

Ganito pala feeling... but I know I will never experience half of what ate Lang experienced when she was still OUR guardian ate. I will never be like her. I'll never be as great. But that's not the point of this whole entry.

I just miss the way things are before. I just feel like life's moving on too fast. I know this is how it is when it comes to growing up.

I am happy with all that we have achieved... but I am also sad because we will forever be missing out on the things we used to do before. I wanna keep them forever with me... and I feel so helpless knowing too well that I cannot.

Sana hindi na lang kami lumaki. :(

when will it be me?

i don't know what to say first... is there really something to say?

i wanna make things happen instead of letting things be.

does life have to be so complicated for me to be happy?

here i am again. i just want to sleep and never wake up.

ang bigat. 'di ko lam kung bakit.

i don't wanna lose faith. i'm just tired of life saying "NO" to my desires. i don't know what to like anymore. lahat na lang ng gusto ko parang ayaw ni God para sa'kin.

i am so lost. :'(

scared of feeling happy

It was odd.

I slept late, woke up after only three hours of sleep... and I felt good.

Good? Actually, good is an understatement. I was feeling happy.

I stopped believing in letting things happen. Just when I lost my faith in that, things started happening and I am surprisingly liking it.

It's different this time. I felt light.... calm and content. I was happy and there was no added stress to cross it out like before.

It's all good right? ... but I feel like stopping myself from being too enthused...

...because more than anything, I am scared that this kind of happiness might turn out to be short lived again.

*could it be i'm suffering, because i'll never give in?*

bitter gourde

I had them for breakfast...

All the bitterness spilled in my mouth. I could smell it... I could see in my mind its green color dissolving around my tongue. like poison, i could only grimace while i savor all its taste.

for a few minutes there, i could have thought eating it was pure torture... but in my mind, i know it will be good for me.

just like letting you go. so bittersweet... but definitely right for me.

And I feel lucky to know it. :)

good intentions

SIGH... don't know what kind of sigh that was.

I just have this heavy feeling within me... because I did something that I know is right. Just the same, I feel sorry and bad.

Despite all my bitterness to those who hurt me, I never had any intentions of hurting them back.... revenge isn't a good thing as I've always known. Besides, I believe in karma... I always leave it to God to give people what they deserve.

So this is how it feels like... I feel really awful. I'm so used to being hurt but getting someone hurt by me is something new to me. Not a good feeling at all.

This is how things have to be. I don't know if I should believe him or not, but up to the last minutes of all honesty ( I suppose), I felt he was telling the truth and I felt like crying with him. There was nothing I could do. I could go on being giving and patient but I would only be lying to myself... and I don't wanna live in a lie.

I hate myself for being a little nice. I can't help but care... even for those who have hurt me. I don't care if they deserve getting hurt too... I just hate playing the destroyer part.

I just feel really bad... then again, we all have to move forward right?

I sincerely hope he moves forward too... like what I did when he left me hanging by the moment.