Cold

-session road-

as you turn away from me

i'm secretly hoping

that you'd come around and break the spell on me

it seems like it's fading

the fire between us

has died down and now you left me questioning

and i feel so lonely inside

oh with the pieces of the loving ways, we cried

and i feel so empty now you've gone

and took away my pride

why can't you reach out for me?

you're pulling me under

where the darkness blinds the world right out of me

i feel like i'm trembling

my knees are shaking

cause i know theres something you're not telling me

i feel so lonely oh,ooohh

i feel so empty oh,ooohh

you're gone and i cried

<><><><><><>

i really feel so lonely inside...the song tells it all. don't know what will happen now.God will only be the strength of my heart now...

just because

Just Because

Just because you're tired, that doesn't give you the right to be rude.
Just because you think some people are not likeable, that doesn't give you the right to do them wrong.
Just because you're heart broken, that doesn't mean that the whole world would mourn and that doesn't give you the right to be pathetic for the rest of your life.
Just because you think some peole are not friendly,that doesn't mean they really aren't.
Just because you have attained so many things in life, that doesn't make you the perfect judge of character.
Just because you think someone looks like a loner, that doesn't mean she or he doesn't have any friends.
Just because you think some people are stupid, that doesn't mean you aren't the same.
Just because you think some people prefer not to talk too much, that doesn't give you the right to talk for them.
Just because you came from a good school, that doens't mean you're good too.
Just because you're a person of so much importance, that doesn't give you the right to be impatient.
Just because you're angry at someone, that doesn't mean you can get angry at everyone.
Just because you're beautiful, that doesn't give you the right to make other people feel ugly.
Just because you're good at almost everything, that doesn't mean you don't have a weakness.
Just because so many people adore you, that doesn't mean nobody hates you.

Just because I had a bad day, that doesn't mean my night would end the same.
Just because some people like to really bring me down, that doesn't mean I would just let them.
Just because he's taking me for granted, that doesn't give me the right to be bitter.
Just because he's tired, that doesn't give him the right to be rude to me.

You know what, I am tired too...

So here it goes:

Goodbye!...next time we talk, I'll hang up phone even before I hear your reply.

...but then, I came to realize...

just because you're so rude, that doesn't mean I will be the same.

my King Arthur and Lancelot

I watched King Arthur last Monday night. The movie was okay... I was so intrigued with the story, I kept rewinding the scenes over and over again so I would be able to understand the story better.

The battle scenes were the usual battle scene... bloody and gross, dragging too. Being the cry baby I am... I cried...all because of a knight who risked his life, trying to break the ice (literally break the ice they were standing on) with the hope that the enemy would be killed.That's not an unusual thing either. What really affected me was the part where Lancelot died because of saving Guinevere's life...more like continuing her battle and dying for it.

I spent the whole night thinking of that scene and I didn't know what time it was when I finally lost myself to sleep.

Guinevere married Arthur in the end... and Lancelot?... his bravery was just a mere memory.

Though the movie didn't really have lines that actually confirmed that Lancelot liked Guinevere, his actions said so. He didn't do anything to win her, because he knew she was for Arthur (or I just like to think so).

If I were Guinevere... who would be my Lancelot?... who would be my Arthur?

I had someone in mind. I remembered all the sweet and noble deeds he had done for me. He was always there even when I didn't need him. He was something I couldn't easily throw away because he kept hanging around. He was my Lancelot... and like Guinevere, my heart was only for an Arthur who didn't even notice me.

I was so sure about the way I felt. He was just Lancelot, and I thought it will forever stay that way. He was everything I needed... but he didn't mean anything... didn't mean more than a friend at least. I thought I will never feel the same...

...but I did. He was just Lancelot until senior year came. He could have been Lancelot always...forever standing by to finish the battles I started and dying for me in the end. He could just have been Lancelot who could only give wistful glances without having to touch even an inch of my skin. He could just have been Lancelot...and nothing more than that.

But I made him my Arthur... and he did so much more than I expected.

Now?... he isn't my Arthur anymore, and he isn't my Lancelot either. Perhaps Kings just change when they venture in another kingdom. Maybe they just forget that they have Queens like Guinevere and feel okay with the idea of starting to live a life full of contentment like nothing was lost.

If I am Guinevere...who would be my Lancelot?...who would be my Arthur?

Only time can tell...

I just need to stay in my dark cell for now...I don't need the torture Guinevere had to go through. I just need a dark cell so I could fill it with my thoughts. Maybe when I finally realize that there are lots of potential Lancelots and Arthurs out there, I would leave my dark cell bravely and face the real world again.

By then, I pray that I would be able to choose who should be the deserving Arthur, and the right Lancelot...

...but just still Lancelot and nothing more than that.

The Goddess of Flora and Sadness. You are a natural
dreamer. Always loyal and tranquil, you can
make anyone feel safe and you are exceptionally
thoughtful. You are a delicate beauty.


Which gorgeous goddess are you? For girls! (breath taking pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Got this from Paula's blog... try niyo rin! I am not exactly familiar with this kind of flower. I like it... It looks like everythings in chaos but everything seems peaceful. It's like my life. I am in a deep chaos... I feel empty without knowing why, but I look okayj. (in other words, plastic! Hahaha, joke lang!)

I am the goddess of Flora and sadness... I like it. I am a nature lover and I am always sad.Is that good thing?

Ewan... maybe I am just like that.

ordinary day

This is gonna be a long day.

I am okay now... I was just so down last week, and tomorrow's gonna be a thursday again. I am not really looking forward to it, but I have to get through it somehow or I will be stuck in this long day forever.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I was sad... no, I wasn't homesick. I truly enjoy staying at the dorm with Mhay. We have so many things to talk about. Things I wasn't able to know because I had a busy time in LB. I missed a lot of moments...can't do anything about it now, can I? That's just the way it is.

Hmm... I just feel so empty. Last night, I cried again. It's not because I feel down or anything... I just feel sad. I'm missing someone I shouldn't miss.Sigh...

I try to be strong each and everyday. I try to believe in myself, in what I am, in what I have... I try to believe in other people...and what do I get? They just give up on me.

Don't know what's real anymore. I feel like living in a world full of lies... the world is full of lies. Don't know who's a friend or not. Things are really getting messy.

Thursday's gonna come again. I don't know why I'm saying this... but I would just have to tell myself that I am something she's never gonna be until I would finally be able to last the day.

*******
Smile a lovely smile
I can still see through your eyes.
The sparkle they show
tell me how much you loathe me.
No one's telling you you're lesser than who you are
why want more?
Am I wrong in thinking you're a friend?
I am tired of playing your game.
I want to be real
not the way you want to be untrue.
Keep away from me...
just get away from me.
Let us live without getting in each other's way.
I'd rather live that way
than having you as a friend
and having my heart torn into pieces
by the way you silently hate me.
Smile a lovely smile.
I can still see through your eyes.
Can you see through mine?
I loathe you too...
but I will not mess things up
like the way you do.
*******

Hay naku... high blood na yata ako. Hehehe, I feel better after writing that stuff. Nothing can calm me better than a heartfelt poem!

blue thursday

I am so down today... all because of a person who will never be like... haha...

No, seriously, I am so down. I need to find out why I deserve to be hated so much.

It it because of the way I look? I can't change my the way my eyes stare at people... I didn't design my eyes!

... She'll never be like me, she's never gonna be like me... I'll just keep on telling myself that until I finally last the day. I did last the day. I am here now, in the comfort of a quiet computer shop, without the slightest trace of her.

The day started great. I woke up late (was that a good thing?), and I was okay with what I ate. Couldn't ask for a more better day. Things just get worse when you least expect them to.

And him?... he's like a debris. He hits me when I'm not in the mood to think of him. He would do the simplest things and make me react like a crazy little girl whose life couldn't get so much better after some unpredictable things he does. Then, he ignores me just when I think I need him most.

I'm not making myself so clear, am I? ... that's just me. I have so many secrets. I wanna write, but I don't wanna reveal who I am writing about. It's not like everyone will find out,I couldn't care less. I just wanna be sure. Like the way I felt sure about my first crush in highschool not to be known for as long as I live.

...Sigh... I am just so down. Maybe a good dinner will help wash my depression down.

Times like these...I just need to think of all the good things the people I love say about me. I may be a bitch, but my friends are alwalys there to remind me I am nice. I feel stupid most of the time but my family always tell me I am from the same gene pool they were from, so I am smart. I look like an antogonist waiting to make a bad day for someone so innocent and unsuspecting, but my friends always tell me I look like an angel.

It's not like I'm being boastful or proud. I just need to think of anything that I can think of to boost my morale. I am just really down. Never felt ashamed of myself like this before...and it's all because of a person who'll never be like me.

I hope she's happy with what she's done. I will try my best not to be affected with what she does with my life. "if it makes her happy, it can't be that bad..." Just wish she won't go too far.

I need God's healing power now... Lord, I am so hurt than ever. I don't know why I cry about such a simple task that I failed to do... in my heart, I didn't fail. I know that You know I didn't fail. I am just unlucky that people tend to hate me. Do they hate me? Please help me understand that I couldn't please everybody. Please let me live knowing others hate me. I did try to reach out, maybe I'm just really not likeable. Why? Because my eyes look like I'm always in for a fight? Or my silence intimidates them, or do I walk like I own the whole universe?

I don't know, I really don't know.

I wish I would know what they're really thinking about. And I wish they'd find what I am really feeling. If they think I am so proud, why do I stand with a stooping back. If I walk like I own the world, how come I hide my face and try to walk as fast as I can. If I am too proud, why am so busy sitting in silence in the corner preferring not to say all the good things about me?

They would never understand me, and I probably would never understand them.

I am trying, I am really trying. I am trying to change my belief that first impressions always last because it is not a good thing...but at the end of the day, I always end up being right. I should've listened to my instincts from the very start. But I never get on their way to do things to hurt them just because I don't like them... I just simply do nothing, and this is what I get?

Why do some people find satisfaction in making other people feel miserable?

"God is the strength of my heart..."

good day?

This is the second time that I had to kill time by bursting into a computer shop and checking my mailess e-mail. I don't have any messages to read anymore because I already checked it earlier this morning.

Hmm... Secrets by Madonna is playing in the background. It just made me think of all the secrets I have. I have lots! Deep and shallow secrets. Secrets about someone that I ought not to tell to anyone, and secrets about myself.

They say all secrets will be revealed in time. Well... I got this one secret that I swear to God I haven't told anybody but my diary. Hahaha! I honestly feel, I don't know, proud? amazed? I hold one thing about me that no one knows. I get to keep a single thing to myself. hehehe!

Does anybody know who my first crush in highschool was?

I never told any of my friends and I am definitely not planning to tell so even if it means my life.It isn't a big deal, whatsoever. I am just enjoying the fact that I get to keep a silly something to myself.My friends can probably name names.They can say all the names of my schoolmates... but hahaha! I will never tell.

I thought I am secretive.Well, I was... but not as much now. Hahaha!

raining tears

It's raining hard... it's been raining for days now.

It was midterm week and I did nothing but sleep at home. The rain was making me feel miserable with no apparent reason.

My nights were sleepless, and during the day, I slept so much. I was miserable, and I don't know why. All I know is that the rain made me stay in bed. The rain made me sit by the window and made me think of how my life is doing.

I know it's been so long since the love I cherished died...but sometimes, everything comes back to me... and I still feel hurt even if I try not to be. I prayed to God, and I did tell Him I was angry about how things came to be... I wish He'd forgive me. I do wish I'd be able to accept things the way He wants it to be.

So, I am sad again. I have nothing and no one to blame but the lashing rain. It's my lucky day today. I didn't bring an umbrella and I'll be encountering the merciless raindrops again. My life's sadness would probably never end. Loneliness?... I am used to it... and I am fine, just fine, so I guess it's not such a bad thing.

At times like this... I just reread my mom's letter to me. I always feel good afterwards. Even though I can still feel the pain, at least I have something to keep me strong...

Life is a whole lot easier when mom's around...Here's her letter to me. She mailed it to me on the exact day I broke up with I-don't-wanna-write-his-name.I hope it touches someone whose heart was broken too. (hahaha! I can't believe that still applies to me...after all these months...)

Dearest Te In,

For the past 24 years of being married to your Dad(magsi-silver na nga), I never thought of giving up. You know why? Because of you, my precious kids. Buong buhay ko ay para sa inyo. At this point, Dad and I want to live longer so we can see all of you in good hands. Of course, my faith and trust in God's merciful and forgiving heart made me stronger.

I know how you feel right now and I can even feel the pain. God has His reasons so lift up all your hurts and pains to Him. Pray hard that the "letting go" process will be bearable. I may not be physically present to offer a crying shoulder but my thoughts and prayers are always with you and your sisters.

Eto na yung one of my greatest fears before- ang ma heart broken ang mga anak ko lalo na ikaw.Based on your reaction to your frustrations in the past, I was afraid you will break down but I was wrong. Mabait si Lord kase you are getting emotionally mature.Crying is a normal thing.You can cry a river as long as you know how to move on.Count you blessings and remember the people who love you. Ang dami namin. God loves you and I'm sure that if He closes a door, He will open not just a window, but windows. Thank God for the pleasant memories you had with Jesher and ask Him to guide you as you start to move on without him. If you are not meant for each other, then His will be done.Something or shat I say someone better is in store for you.

Hope and pray that this experience will make you a BETTER person, not bitter... STRONGER, but not harder.However, don't be in a hurry to look for a replacement.It is not the right way to mend a broken heart and it will be unfair. But don't close your heart totally.Just pause, take time and enjoy the life of being unattached.If you will share your heartaches to your friends, don't sour grape or make negative comments about Jesher lalo na kapag kausap mo sina Dyann at Mhay.Tell them it's over, you're trying to move on and it was good while it lasted.

Lastly, I must confess that being away from you for almost three years is the last thing I ever wanted, but it is a necessary evil.You know why? Little by little, I am detaching my self from the three of you so you will learn how to live your own.Though it hurts, I know that it will be good for you and for us too. As you will grow older you will have your own life to live at kami ni Dad will be left alone. But I am happy and thankful because you are doing fine and behaving well.Malapit na rin kaming umuwi so konting tiis na lang ha.Smile!!! We love you and we are always around to help you.If you stumble and fall, our love for you will still be the same, after all, you and your sisters and brother are precious fruits of our love.

***Mommy***


...Sigh... I feel so much better now... and the rain isn't falling that hard too...

I don't wanna be
-Gavin DeGraw-

I don't need to be anything other than a prison guard's son
I don't need to be anything other than a specialist's son
I don't have to be anyone other than a birth of two souls in one
Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me



I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by a identity crisis everywhere I turn
Am I the only one to notice? I can't be the only one who turns

Can I have everyone's attention please
See, not like this and that
You're gonna have to leave
I came from the mountain,
the crust of creation
My whole situation made from clay, dust, stone
And now I'm telling everybody

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I'm trying to do Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me
I don't want to be
I don't want to be
I don't want to be
I don't want to be



...wala lang, I love Chad Michael Murray! Hahaha, I'm just so jovial he isn't another guy whose name starts with the letter "j". No more disease of the letter "J" for me!

chad michael murray

" I don't wanna be anything rather than what I've been trying to be lately..."



Grabe! I'm going crazy over Chad Michael Murray! Hahaha... I'm so addicted to One Tree Hill.

I wonder what if feels like to have Lucas as my bestfriend... ang cute cute niya sobra!!!!!

I liked him too in Cinderella Story, he was the leading man and Hillary Duff was the leading lady. His eyes are smoldering... grabe! Baliw na talaga ko...

Next entry si George Eads naman. I was blown away by C.S.I. Las Vegas' finale last Wednesday. Cute ni Nick Stokes! Parang bata , nakakaawa!

tag tag tag

Tagged by Eloisa (again!)

5 Things that Calm me Down:

1. A good cry. I feel so much better after crying my heart out. Never mind the red and swollen eyes, at least I feel better inside.
2. A very long bath. I feel refreshed afterwards and I can think more clearly because my mind is more relaxed afterwards.
3. A glass of water. I think I am a polydipsiac (if there's such a word... i got it from polydipsia in anatomy...a term which means excessive drinking of water)... can't live without drinking water every now and then, especially when I'm in panic.
4. A pen flip. Everytime I feel nervous, I unconciously flip my pen. It helps me release all the nerves, and I feel calmer at the end...or so I would like to think.
5. A happy thought... like Harry Potter (just finished book six, I was heartbroken at the end but it's still great), or a piece of chocolate, or a nice song or poem. When I think of my happy thoughts, I tend to forget reality, and I become so much calmer.

I am tagging no one because don't know anyone else to tag... got only few blog buddies eh... hehe, can I tag Eloisa back?Sipag kase niya mag- tag e!

AFTER ME

After Me

The sky's a misty blue
and everywhere I go...
everywhere I turn...
the wind seem to blow right at me.

It's after me...it's after me.

It won't stop
until it has blown all my hurts away.
It won't stop
until I make it a part of me...
swhirling,seething,swivering and spinning.

The rain feels like steel on my skin
and everywhere I go...
everywhere I turn...
raindrops seem to deliberately hit my face.

They're after me... they're after me.

They won't stop
until they have washed all my hurts away.
They won't stop
until I make them a part of me...
cold,fierce,strong and ever flowing.

My eyes are like broken mirrors
and everwhere I look...
everywhere I turn...
visions of you seem to glide past and dance all around me.

You're after me... you're after me.

You won't stop
until you think you'd taken all my hurts away.
You won't stop
until I let you become a part of me once more...
solemn as the misty sky
harsh and playful sometimes like the wind
euphoric like the rain
refreshing and freezing like raindrops
and transparent like a thousand broken mirrors.

Am I to give in once more?

I thought I'll be going...
just going and going...

Am I to let you pass once again through my door?

glory box

Foolish Games
-Jewel-

You took your coat off
and stood in the rain
You were always crazy like that
I watched from my window
always felt I was outside
looking in on you
You were always the mysterious one
with dark eyes
and careless hair
You were fashionably sensitive
but too cool to care
Then you stood in my doorway
with nothing to say
besides some comment on the weather
Well in case you failed to notice
In case you failed to see
This is my heart
bleeding before you
This is me down on my knees
These foolish games
are tearing me apart
Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart

You were always brilliant in the morning
Smoking your cigarettes
talking over coffee
Your philosophies on art
Baroque moved you
You loved Mozart
and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar
You'd teach me of honest things
Things that were daring
things that were clean
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean
So I hid my soiled hands behind my back
Somewhere along the line I must've gone off track with you
Excuse me
think I've mistaken you for somebody else
Somebody who gave a damn
Somebody more like myself
These foolish games
are tearing me apart
Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart

You took your coat off
and stood in the rain
you were always like that

things that make me happy

They say life is good.It is a gift. I say life is hard. Being a human is a curse. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion right?

I have always been pessimistic about life. I am so negative about almost everything. I always say I'm tired of life and living it.I'm trying to find something I don't know what, and I am tired of having to find nothing at all. I am tired of living. I want my life to end. Death always seem the best answer. If I die, I won't have to worry about the future. If I die, I wouldn't have to find out if he and I were really meant to be. If I die, my funeral and burial would be the last expense my family has to make for me. I wouldn't have to add to their finances anymore. I could write a thousands of ifs and thens. Death seem to be the answer. Death is a sure way of escaping my life.

Death must be good then. Should I die then? Then I think of how I live my life.

I get tired by just trying to be safe everytime I travel. I take medicine when my migraine attacks.I eat when I am hungry. I am tired of living... but these things I do make me realize that I don't wanna lose my life. I wanna preserve it. Why else would I wanna be safe everytime?Why would I take a drug to relieve my pain?... I'ts because I don't wanna die. I wanna live.

You know what I'm really tired about? I'm tired of having to deal with the difficulties in life. I'm tired of having to go through pain before I can finally gain.I'm tired of worrying about people with bad intentions. I am tired of all the hardships in life.

Maybe I just think of the negative side of things too much. What happened to the saying "Look at the bright side?" Maybe my life sucks because I create too much fuss about it. So today... I thought of simple things that make me happy.

SIMPLE THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY

• a classmate that eats lunch with me
• a tricycle that leaves the terminal quickly
• not having to commute
• hearing a favorite song that hasn't been played for a long time
• passing a quiz or an exam without studying
• not being late for class
• finding a seat in the library
• having someone to talk to on the bus on the way home
• a pen with a good ink
• a nice poem
• a hearty meal
• a smile from my crush
• jesher's calls (...pathetic!)
• a friend request in friendster
• light flow of traffic
• a nice shade of lipstick
• a cute fan
• a soft handkerchief
• a call from an old friend

O diba... there's so many simple things that make me happy. Maybe I am the one who's making my life so bad by the way I react. I must learn to accept life as it is, coz it's never gonna be a smooth ride always.

Sigh... I think I feel better now. My life's not so bad. My day started great. I am to meet ate Lara at Makati tonight, and we'd go home together, and I would have the chance to sleep on the ride, and I wouldn't be that tired when I get home. That is such a happy thought. Who said life sucks so much?

Hahaha... "It's not at all that bad my friend..."

headache

Am I flying high today? My day started with a quiz which our group in Anatomy scored for one point. ONE POINT. How senseless can that be? We're the worst group of all. Did it bother me at all? Not in the least!

My parents always tell me that one failure won't determine your future. True. Just because you failed, that doesn't mean you won't have any success in the future. That one point quiz this morning was nothing compared to my real problems. I am not in the slightest bit bothered by it because I know we failed not because we're stupid but because our teacher wasn't fair in asking the questions. Our professor's style was totally unfair. It was an example of "one failure will make you a total failure"... and life isn't like that. In fact, life is full of failures. Failures people learn from. Anywayz, I wasn't really affected. I know deep in my heart that we were not stupid and that we were just victims of an unjust system, and that we were just unlucky.

*sigh*...

It was father's day yesterday. I attended the seven p.m. mass at church and I was so touched by the prayer for the fathers. I missed dad...(surprisingly!joke!) I guess I just envied the kids who were cheering their dad in front of the crowd. My dad could've been there... then we'd eat outside for dinner, or mom will cook a delicious meal and end our night with ice cream. I felt like crying. I miss dad so much! ...and mom too, and my siblings in Thailand.

I was just so tired. People can't help but get tired sometimes. I haven't had enough sleep, my class schedule is sucking the life out of me, and what happened to me last week ( the dukutan incident, the same bastards were in the a different bus I was riding on last Friday and how I wanted to be a bird so I can fly, fly away!) is scaring me out of my wits. I am so afraid of commuting alone, and I couldn't sleep during my travel time. When I get home, I feel so worn out. Then come tomorrow, I would be off early again.

Who do I blame? My class sched is awful because the people at the manual advising table won't let us choose what time of the class we should be enrolled in. They only give out the control number without you having the liberty to know when the classes would occur. They tell you to just have the sections change when the first week of classes start and when classes did start and you try to fix your sched, they wouldn't allow you to choose a convenient time for you because of a shallow reason (they think all students liked to change sections so that they could be with their friends... they should know not all students here have so many friends and they should know not all students change sections for that reason). Do you know I had to stay dumbstruck for six hours befor my next class during mondays, wednesdays, and fridays? My first class starts at seven a.m., I am just a useless wanderer from ten to four, then I am obliged to endure chem class from four to seven p.m. I needed to change my section, because it was such an inconvenient situation for me, and it's not like I live a block away from school. I have to travel for miles for whoever's sake! And when they did allow me to change sections, (I talked to the dean and she sympathized with me...it was really an awful schedule), all the sections were closed because it was too late. And now I had to suffer becuase of the injustice of it all.

Justice... so great a word, so reached by few. It is laid in the hands of people who knows what it means, but does not carry it out.

Who am I to blame for all these?

Tell the answer to my head ache... then maybe it will go away.

tag

Eloisa tagged me!

what to do:

things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out and play. what lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level? make a list, post it to your journal... and then tag 5 friends and ask them to post it to theirs.

I really like spending time doing nothing, while lying in bed. I like dreaming my life away... I wish reality didn't exist.

Anywayz, here are the things that I do to lessen my insanity:

1. I lie down in bed and try to fall asleep. ( I know a lot will find this weird, but I always "kuyakoy" myself to sleep)
2. I listen to the radio, play my favorite cds until my eyes dropped.
3. I listen to music using my discman... it's different when I just listen to the radio, and when I use my discman. I usually singalong in my thoughts and pretend I was the one really singing the songs. Sometimes I even imagine myself dancing (which I truly suck at) while singing upbeat songs. Pathetic ha? Well, it's free to dream right?
4. I drink lots of water. It makes me feel refreshed and cleansed. Helps in making my sadness wash down all over my body.
5. I call my good ol' highschool friends on the phone and try to have a long chat with them.
6. I write in my diary... senseless thoughts and string of words which only I can read. I am a writing addict especially when my pen's ink is clear and bold.
7. I eat chocolate... it's definitely, absolutey pleasurable to indulge into something especially when that something is hazardous for you. ( I have migraine... chocolate makes me feel intoxicated, but I still eat anyway. It's something I can't resist)
8. I watch television until my head ached.
9. I write poems. It's one thing I can't stop myself from doing. I may not be that good, but I just. I feel better keeping things that I feel to myself.
10. I hug my pillows... nothing can comfort me better than my soft pillows. It's a perfect substitute for absent loved ones you want to hug (it couldn't hug you back though).
11. I put on my lipstick, so at the end of the day, my lips would look as if it had been whipped.
12. When it's night time, star gazing calms me a lot. Stars always leave me mystified.
13. Pig out on whatever is available in the fridge (durian chips, sampaloc or just water, haha!)
14. Go to a friend's house and spend the whole day there talking about anything under the sun.
15. Read a good book. It's the perfect thing to do to kill time.
16. Take a long bath. I really feel better after a long bath, it's as if my aches and sadness are being scrubbed away with my dead skin cells.
17. Wash my feet... I don't know, I'm just like that.
18. And when I feel really down, I just look at the short list Eloisa made for me to help me feel good about my life.

Five reasons for me to smile ( according to Eloisa):

1. Many sick patients out there waiting for me to graduate.
2. Mr. Right might be stuck at the terminal.
3. Joven as a new star in charades.
4. PYM acquaintance part on October 9 (of course this happened ages ago, but it's still fun to reminisce right?)
5. Meteor rocks!!! (haha,this gets me everytime)

There you have it... it's not such a long list.

I'm tagging Sky, T.A., Gel-gel,Fred,and Ongx.

mandurukot blues

I had a terrible morning. I was up early for my seven a.m. class, and I made it to the bus just in time. I didn't wait for so long for the bus to fill with passengers. That was supposed to be a good thing right? The bus leaving quickly would mean allowing me to arrive at school on time. I should be feeling lucky, and I was, until an unexpected thing happened.

I thought silly things only happened in movies. I actually got hit in the face with a knapsack by a ruthless, cruel, mean pick pocket. I was really taken by surprise. He was pissed at me because I tried to warn the girl beside me that they (the ugly man and his accomplice) were pick pocketing her. I pulled the girl's wrist to get her attention and he was probably mad because he wasn't able to get every valuable thing the girl had in her purse... but she already lost something because she was rummaging her bag like crazy, as if she was going to cry.

And I... got hit in the face. Literally hit in the face. I didn't know what to do. The partner in crime even sat beside me, and that made me freeze even more. I was expecting him to harass me next, like pull out a knife and ask for my wallet and phone, but, fortunately he didn't. I think he was even against what his partner did...you know, slapped my face. I think the one who sat beside me had a little bit softer heart, but even so, they were both mean! The bad thing about it was that the couple opposite my seat laughed at me when the monster hit me! Talk about caring for your fellowmen.

I wasn't trying to be a hero... I just couldn't bear the thought of witnessing something bad that is happening right in front of my face without me doing anything about it. I couldn't bear not doing anything. If that happened to me, I would definitely want the people around me to help.

Look what happened... I got hit in the face. I still couldn't believe it now. I thought it only happens in movies, didn't even imagine it will happen to me. I can still see the look in his eyes...it was so fierce, it was enough for me to never ride on that bus again. I was shaking when I arrived in school and that was the only time I was able to free my tears.

I wasn't really trying to be a hero... and even though I got hit in the face, at least I can say to myself that once in my life I had been selfless ( and very stupid for that matter!what if he stabbed me with a knife?!) .

Gotta go... Chem class coming up. I'll never ride that bus again.

magical feeling

... a familiar rhythm plays in my head... ( my fingers snap on their own, my right foot starts moving together with the beat)...

I should be exhausted for listening to that tune almost the whole night... until dawn. I can't get the song out of my head. It's as phenomenal as "Amber" and I really do not know what has gotten over me. "...It's a magical feeling..." Maybe I'll be singing that song someday.

Magical feeling... the last time I picked out a song that reminded me of him, I chose the song, "Every little thing he does is magic..." and now, I definitely think "magical feeling" is for me. What's with the word magic anyway? And M.Y.M.P. had both songs in their albums...(just bought versions and beyond acoustics yesterday at landmark).

It's a magical feeling... haha!I couldn't think of a more girl-power song. It's bitter but subtle. It's not what I would call sour graping, but it's definitely something like that, made innocent with its country rock beat.

Sigh... wish I'd be feeling magical someday.

string of words... string of thoughts... what's so magical with that anyway? I am writing here because there's nothing left to do.I keep on playing the song on my mind to make me last the day. To help me not thinkof the very thing that would shatter me into pieces. (beat....beat... beat)

Seriously, I don't know what's so important about my life anymore. I'm searching for something that is unknown even to me. I thirst for something that even I can't name. What is wrong with my life? ... I feel so empty. I'm always feeling empty.

Things are falling apart. I won some, and lost lots. I have a sickening feeling inside of me... it's like my stomach churns every now and then. I feel so restless. At the end of the day, I would be feeling so tired, but when the dark of night comes... I couldn't banish myself to sleep. Does my mind still work? I am thinking, and yet I have nothing to give and share... I think I'm dreaming my life away. It's just isn't easy for me to be myself. When I love, I really love. When I dream, I really dream.

Magical feeling...
Will that feeling come when I'm finally over something that was never meant to be?
Will that feeling come when I finally accept myself for who and what I am?
Will that feeling come when I can finally feel again that there's a meaning to what I'm writing?
Will that feeling come when this string of thoughts come to an end?

Magical feeling...magical feeling... wish I could sing the words while meaning them... not just sing along with it feeling the opposite thing.

"...it's a magical feeling,knowing you're not meant for me."

This is baby Nica... I fell in love with her the first time I saw her. Sobrang gandang bata! Magkamukha kami diba? Hahaha! Feeling! She looks like her dad...

Anywayz, sobrang enjoy ako dito sa Bangkok. I still don't wanna go home in the Philippines, and I've been staying for more almost three weeks and I feel like I live here already. I gained weight...what with all the food lying all around. Even the fridge here is about to go berserk because of all the food inside. I just never got used to seeing a refrigerator with too much food inside. Yung ref namin sa alabang, puno lang after mag grocery, but when the week comes near to an end, it's almost empty. Dito, I can munch on something any time I want... namiss ko tuloy si Ongkoy, pareho pa naman kaming laging naghahanap ng mangangatngat...(what the?! para kaming mga daga!)

Wala lang, just blogging something because I haven't done this for quite a long time. Lagi kase kami umaalis e... and I had my hair rebonded... hahaha! Ang mura ng rebond dito, at ang ganda pa. I never thought it would be possible... akalain mo, just went here in Thailand to have my hair rebonded! Joke lang. My hair looks awfully nice, hindi ako sanay. Sana it will remain this way forever, but I know it can't. I just have to enjoy this moment while it lasts.

The good thing about my stay here is that I don't have to worry too much. And it did me a lot of good... I am so jovial to realize I haven't been thinking about something at all. And I am really amazed I could do it. Haha...talk about moving on!!!

hot in here

Shux!!! Bangkok is raging with heat! It's currently 390 outside!

Dy just left this afternoon for Manila. She's going home already. I'm a bit sad 'coz it was really fun having her around. Dami naming kalokohan and we had lots of laughing trips. Daming bloopers ni Dyann sobra! Buti na lang at di kami kilala dito sa Thailand! Hehe!

Wala lang... I'm at Dad's office as of the moment so I can't blog for too long! Bye!

I promise to write something more wholeheartedly and better next time!

if you forget me

If You Forget Me
-Pablo Neruda-

I want you to know
one thing.


You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love,
ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

sigh...

I thought I was all cried out... not totally.

I thought my crying nights are over...well, I wouldn't be me if that happened, right? I still find myself lonely and longing, but I guess this feeling is normal after a break up. Hahaha...I'm officially single. I haven't written it yet in my diary coz writing too much still hurts for me. It's crazy... I got three pages left and I can start writing in a new one. It hurts to write. And I guess I'm still am not writing much compared to the way I usually write.

Sigh... just gotta think of what my mom told me.

Everything he and I had... it was good while it lasted. That's just what I'm gonna think about, and God has His own reasons why He took away one of the things I wanted most. "Wanted"... I thought "needed", but I guess He's trying to tell me that it was one of the things I only wanted. He knows best what I am in need for. Little by little, everyday (it's a song I learned from a charismatic song book)... I am letting go. I lift up all my hurts to God, and it does make me feel so much better, but the pain comes back once in a while. Sigh... life...parang buhay. Hahaha! Korny pero masaya!

Thank God for Michael Buble...his songs help me get by. Everytime I feel sad and lonely, I listen to his songs... You don't know me really blows me away (maybe someday...sshhh...sshhh...haha!basta, got a really great day dream about it) and my favorite is his remake of Quando Quando with Nelly Furtado. Hehe... I didn't know I was into classical and jazzy music. The things I came to be because of changing things. Hahahaha! I haven't been feeling like myself lately.

Inerks out!

my heart bleeds

My Heart Bleeds

Another lonely night...
my heart bleeds but doesn't ache.

I crave for the tears
that once pained me so.
They're gone now,
just like the shadows in the day
that faded away through the night.

My heart bleeds but it doensn't ache.

No longer can I cry
because of the truth that I learned to embrace.
You left...
and I let you leave.
Things will never be the same again.
We changed all that.
The pang is still inside of me
and your memory stays in the recesses of my mind.

I am not yet done grieving...
grieving for a love that will be lost,
for a hope that was forgotten,
for someone who gave up on me.
But my loneliness isn't impairing.
It is like a mound of callus
covered up my heart
and the pain you caused
feels like a whip of thorns no more.

My tears had left me...
now I couldn't cry anymore.

My journey doesn't stop here.
I still grieve
but not with tears.

Nights like this
when everything is so still
and the slightest sound I make
reminds me of you...
I used to cry myself to sleep.

Tonight's different.
I love you still...
but I can no longer cry.

My heart bleeds...but it doesn't ache anymore.

ako 'to

haha...vain talaga ko! just trying out photobucket!

Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines
-Pablo Neruda-

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.

'The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my sould is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.


---- sigh... this is it... gotta take things on my own from now on. The bluest of blue...that's what I am today.I could relate to the poem somehow... ='(
can't do anything about us anymore.I tried fighting for what we tried to save,but there's no use fighting it... that's what he wants... maybe this is what's best for the both of us. I am hurting,but I know I'll get through this. I can write the saddest lines too...I let go of his messages in my phone that's been stuck in my inbox for three years...sigh...i gotta let them go too... that was my first step in letting him go. I gotta lot of catching up to do.Now...every part of me just want to rest. I feel like I can't go on...but I'm moving... I'm laughing...I'm pretending I'm okay. That's got to be better than sulking in my sorrow so much. I grieve for a someone who's walking away from my life forever... gotta takes things on my own now... I just got to take life from here on my own...Lord, help me to let go of someone I own not. ----

How do you know it's time?

How do you know it's time?

-0O0-

How do you know it's time to walk away?

Years had already passed you by...

How do you know it's time to take your heart back?

You've given it up not even for yourself but for someone else.

How do you stop the feeling of a dreadful anticipation?

You know you'd be dying when that day comes.

How do you teach your heart to be strong?

It hasn't mend completely

and it's about to break into pieces again.

How do you teach yourself not to cry?

When tears have been your only comfort

each time loneliness befalls you.

How do you breathe knowing things are gonna be over soon?

You know you wouldn't be here had you given up a long time ago.

How do you know it's time to start a new life?

You were always contented with what you have...

careful of not asking too much

because God might not give you

the one that you wanted most.

How do you know the pain is too much for you to take?

You've been there all along

embracing it like comforting pillows

no matter what form it took.

You struggled...

but you faced them nonetheless...

only to find out all will be lost in the end.

-0O0-

How will I know it's time to walk away?

I'm still here

hoping against hope

for something that might never come.

-0O0-

...I have been waiting alone all along.

constantine and james

I finally got to watch Constantine yesterday. It was a cool and scary movie. I had fun with Sky even though it was just the two of us. We had so much to talk about, kahit mababaw, at least there was no dead moment.

The movie affected me so much. I keep on saying I wanna die soon... I hope I never wake... and stuffs like that. The movie had its own concept of hell... and it scared me. I don't wanna be in that place. According to the movie,people who commit suicide go directly to hell. Hahaha! I don't wanna go to hell. It's such an awful place... life is a living hell already, with all the colors,plants,trees,flowers and people. Hell is worse with all the dead soil, dusty wind, fires and demons and unfateful death happening all over again. Basta, suddenly, I got scared of dying and going to hell. I gotta start living right...(and it took a movie for me to realize that?! I'm never saying I don't wanna live again...if I can help it.)

What I didn't get though was how life was such a curse. Well, the movie just gave me an impression that being a human is such a pain in the ass. Archangel Gabriel got punished, and God made her a human. Satan made Constantine live so his suffering in this world can prolong. It makes me wonder... is life a gift or a curse? All my life,I've been lead to believe that it is so wonderful to be alive. That life is a gift...and suddenly this movie comes and my mind went thinking about a different idea. Wala lang... affected ako, nakakatawa!

Maybe I'm tired of my life... and for people like me who are tired of living, we could consider life as a curse. But I now realize that putting an end to it would make it worst. If my life is a living hell right now...I couldn't think of a better word to describe hell. Funny how the movie affected me so kahit na fiction lang. At least may natutunan ako. I know hell is a lot uglier than what the movie showed and I definitely don't wanna find how it looks like.

Sigh... weird... why am I thinking of such thoughts?

He called this morning and I was glad. I tried so hard not to write about him for quite a while now... but here I am writing about him again. Will I ever see him again... see him with us being the us? Everything's just so uncertain. I don't wanna keep on hoping, and then, I don't wanna lose hope.I am really hard to understand sometimes. I'm just so confused at the moment. I don't wanna stop loving him, and I know I can't and I won't. Even though things got crazy between us, I know my feelings haven't changed. It's hard trusting him the way I trusted him before but I'm trying to bring back that trust. I know I hurt him sometimes with the way I sound when I ask him if he meant the things that he says. I just couldn't help it, and I am really sorry everytime that I hurt him by being the doubtful person that I am. I am trying so hard to stop it,that might be the thing that might push him away. The only thing standing between us right now is distance...or perhaps insecurities. I am having a hard time getting over them. They get the best of me most of the time that's why I'm like this... not confident, sad... I don't have faith in myself and that is really bad. God help me... I'm doing the best I can but it's so hard to fight them off.

untitled

Walk out queen

There's something in the way the wind speaks
I want to run...
run until exhaustion comes
and take the life out of me.

If tears could only bring riches
then I'd be wealthy
my whole life through
but they have no value.
They go flowing unnoticed
and uncared for.

There they come
blinding me
with colors of something
that has no name.
I want to run
and forget about it.

So here I am
pretending that life is just a smooth path.
I'm trying to walk away
from something that wouldn't part with me...

I?...
I am going...going...going...
just going...

I will be going...
and I will try not to look back.

still healing

Sigh... sana wala pa ring pasok ngayon,pero ganon talaga buhay...kailangang magpatuloy.

I was extremely happy last week... but my happiness didn't last long. I was feeling empty (again?!) this week. Ewan ko ba,it's so hard to get so used to everything you do. Everything is just a routine you have to go through, you can't find a meaning in what you do. One minute you want a simple life, next minute you want more... SIGH! Forgive me Lord for not being contented. I have everything I need and I still want more.

The week was sluggish. No, the week was fast, I don't know. I don't remember. Hahaha! I'm lost in myself. I hope I can find me again.

T.A. met again yesterday. It was fun hanging around with them as always...or am I just so hungry to not think of something or someone else? Dy was absent... I know why! Harhar! It's like I need to see them once in a while. I have become so dependent on them when it comes to comforting...but the sight of their faces also brings back memories... and I still get hurt just by seeing them. They remind me so much of him,pero like what the song the art of letting go says: I'm holding on to what I want most. Shuck... I gotta stop loving the pain. I wish I'd find myself soon. I hope I'd learn to love myself more.

By the wayz, we had another videoke session at Villa Honrade last Sunday night. It was fun! (Look at me now...my voice got lost in the wind,haha!) I wish living life was as easy as singing with the videoke machine...but it isn't.

Sigh...my next class is three hours away, how do I kill my ever boring time?

Sorry Lord for being so bitter...

cough and colds

I can't believe it... two weeks after not totally getting my voice back, here I go again... *cough*,*cough*,*sniff*,*sniff*! I got cough and colds again!...again! Hindi na ba mawawala 'to?!!! panic mode na 'ko...baka may sakit na 'ko sa baga niyan!

Sigh... anywayz, I deserve it. Lately, I have been taking my health for granted. I keep staying out late on weekends, I don't eat on time (sometimes I don't even eat), I don't get enough sleep(something's really wrong with my body clock... I feel sleepy during day time and I'm like an owl in the night) and I don't take vitamins.

I definitely enjoyed my week last week. Harhar! It's fun to be bad sometimes... I was lonely on valentine's day but Sky and Dy were there to celebrate with me by pigging out on Albert's fetuccini. And I was happy because of something...harhar!It's fun to be bad sometimes!Thanks to that rear view mirror reminiscing moment! I had a great Friday night and Saturday too. I was able to talk with Jesher and it was fun having petty fights with him.

I really enjoyed last week. Then last Sunday, videoke to the max uli. Hala! Ayaw talaga paawat,'yan tuloy, paos ang aabutin ko.

A friend sent me a message through friendster. (If you're reading this,you know who you are. I'm really glad to hear from you after a long time. Just hold on tight...I hope you're okay now, I'll pray for you always. Thank you for your concern...it feels like we're back in the old times kahit 'di na tayo nagkikita. Hehe... send me a message again if you need anything,okay. God bless!)

*Cough*cough*cough*

Shucks! I'm finding it hard to breathe again. Good luck to me... I hope I'm still alive tomorrow.

dreamboy

I absolutely had a good night! I missed the prayer meeting again... yeah...shameful, I promise to make up for it next time.

We watched Dreamboy last night... Sky treated Jel,Mhay,Ms. Beck and me! We came upon Ms.Beck in National Bookstore... it was crazy! haha! I could only laugh!

I really don't have time to write more. I just really need to say how I feel.

I miss Jesher. I hope he gets to have fun over there like I do here.