the answer for now is no

Those who choose to give up will always fail. 

And so the night starts again... I cannot cry anymore.  :')

I was angry at Him for saying no.  I asked Him why He was so selfish to me...  why I was not as lucky as the other people around me... why no matter how good I try to be, it seemed never enough.  I was so consumed with all the hurt I was feeling... I was on the verge of giving up.  I said some things that created a pain that was greater than my own.  

Then I realized and asked myself back... Why was I so selfish? I was not the only one suffering.  Why does no matter how He blesses me with things that I need, I still do not feel as lucky as the other people around me? Why, in spite of His enduring mercy, do I not feel loved enough?... 

I do not know.  I am hurting that I disappointed all those who believed in me and in what I can do... but most of all, I am hurting because I disappointed myself.  : ( 

I lacked faith... maybe all this that I am going through is a test.  I know it is.  Maybe God wants me to go the long way for me to be sincerely grateful... maybe He's telling me I need to rely and trust in Him, and not depend on myself... because I sure cannot succeed without His help. He knows better than I.  I keep telling other people that His plans are far more better than what we want for ourselves and so I am telling that to myself now.  Even though it hurts... The day will come when all the reason behind this pain will be revealed.   

The one lesson I learned from this experience is that, I was wrong in thinking that I am not loved.  That I was wrong in thinking God is not at my side for not hearing out my favor.  

You know what I got from my failure?... Tight hugs from my loved ones.  Words of love and encouragement... and most of all, the assurance that one of the most important people in my life will also not give up. : )

So I fail now... but I will not give up.  I am sorry Lord for giving in to my anger and for being weak.  I trust in You, I will always trust in You no matter how painful it is to follow Your will. 

lost road

" Reading all the signs along the way...knowing where I am , not what they say.  My destination's closer day by day, so I can't be concerned with the other side of the road." - The Highways of my life, The Isley Brothers
Except that I do not know where I am, nor can I say that my destination's getting closer.  I am no where half where I want or need to be. :( The other side of the road isn't too far.  I can hear everything that they say...
I know it's the new year, and that I should not start my year being so negative about life.  It's just that sometimes, no matter how you purposefully avoid something you mostly fear, you still end waking up having the same nightmare.  
It will almost be a decade since I last found refuge in that song... the highways of my life by the isley brothers.  It was when a dreadful nightmare came to life, and I did not know how to calm myself.  I think that I might have been too young, but nonetheless, I was the one who brought that nightmare upon myself, so I've only got myself to blame.  
Now the one thing that I fear... is it coming after me again?  Is life really that cruel or am I just willing it to find me?  
I can't concern myself with the other side of the road.  Much as I want to, I need to move along and reach what should be the end of the road that is meant for me.
I can just imagine myself in a deserted beach at night time... just offering up all my sighs to the stars... just staring up at them until my eyes get dry.  I will not care if sand comes flying around me, making me the greatest mess there is... I long for that feeling of total abandon, where I can just feel calm and easy.  
"So I can't be concerned... with the other side of the road..."