5 minutes after christmas eve

A little girl is in trouble... She's all by herself in the middle of a hanging bridge. A bridge that she knew and depended on for so long. She needed to make her way through and make it at the end to be home just in time for Christmas when suddenly the bridge threatens to give way.

No matter how the little girl holds on, it will only be a matter of time before the bridge falls away. :(

*That's when I'll know... **

No Competition

I can't believe I let myself get affected about the things I hear... and not see.

I've seen this before... I would stay up late giving myself something to be anxious about. I would ache like the most miserable person. What's with me and pain?

Or maybe people sometimes just intend to make a big deal out of things... just to see if it would break me or not. They are curious if I could handle myself graciously or if I would just lash out and make a fool out of myself.

Thank God I handled that well.

Instinctively I made an effort to find proof... and what I found out could only make me laugh.

Seriously now? :D

Oh... people and you. Why, oh why? Haha.

When it turns out too good to be true...

I wish I was still in Caramoan where my only problem was where to put the next meal I am about to eat.

I had a great time. Thanks to Mhay, Dy and Ellie. I felt rewarded. I deserved the break. I did!. It was even more enjoyable knowing that my dad didn't make any side comments about checking my lifestyle. That trip was especially meant for me. :)

Would spend the day there just being care free. So what if I burned my skin? At least I was having a great time. I have gotten used to how the sea smells like. I especially miss how the 6pm night sky there made me feel. At about 6 pm thousands of bats would crossover the island of Caramoan main and litter the early evening sky. For me, it was always a time to stand still... look above (watch out for bat poop and pee, hehe) and reflect. It was so peaceful there. I miss the peace.

What have I learned? At work, I complain of physical pain due to long hours of standing, sometimes for having to extend our duty time for the name of being committed to my work. I get home feeling beaten and defeated. Asked myself a million times why I chose this profession... all I get is emotional and physical pain. How much senseless can my life get?

Then I go to Caramoan. I intend to take my time to enjoy. I did cliff climbing, snorkeling, swimming, and cam whoring. I climbed 500 steps in order to take a glimpse of a holy place. It was such agony... and super exhausting but I did it anyway. In the end I was also complaining of body ache. Every little bit of my body hurts.

That's when I realized how pain keeps me alive.

When I suffer I feel pain... When I take time to enjoy, I still feel pain. Pain keeps me alive. :(

Now after one week, it's back to work again. Back to reality... back to our never ending schedule mishap issues... back to hating suck ups and miserable people, back to my tiring life. Welcoming me back is quite a hard task. Wish I stayed in Caramoan for another week.

I can't keep running off, can I? This is my life. I can take a break once in a while, but I still gotta go back and live it.

Something about the trip made me want to not look back. To go some place else where I would find peace... where the hell will I find peace? I don't think I can handle any more bickering at work. Honestly, it's taking the life out of me. Horrible! People are so horrible! So many bad vibrations!

Then came weekend. Back to work. On call duty nurse of the day the first day back. Aaaaahhh!!! Excruciating! What have I gotten myself into? Well, I survived. Lived through it anyway. SIGH... Only a miracle can fix things. It is so out of my little hands. :'(

Spent my Sunday with Jon... and realized that despite his weird ways, the guy can actually make me feel at ease. It is overwhelming. He made me feel peace. :') ... and because the day with him was so great, when night came it had to end because I needed to get back to my life again. The peaceful streak never last that long. That's how life is. Pain keep us alive.

I think everything just got bottled up inside. Or maybe, I am just really stressed out. I know I can't keep on depending on him to find the peace I need... but it sure does feel good to feel him all the time, whether he's physically with me or not. So when I finally hear what I needed to hear from him, my heart melted. I thought my life isn't so bad.

Then came the next day.

I learned once again that pain keeps you alive.

" Don't say that you've been thinking, cause I know it's just the drink in you." - Sozzi

Haha. :) Oh pain, oh pain. :)

the bitter escape

I would never... oh but I did. :'(

It would never... but it did.

He would never... oh, but he did... he did. :'(

No I have that stomach spasm again...

" But will my heart be broken, when the night meets the morning sun?"- Carole King

Where art thou forgiveness? Where art thou loyalty? Where art thou dignity?

What are you? The most desperate lonely person in the world?!!

:'(

reliving grey's quote

"The truth hurts that's why we lie."- meredith grey, grey's anatomy

Is that why people say I love you when they really don't? Is that why people say forever because it really means goodbye?

Today must have meant something... but this day of great importance is not for me to claim, just mine for me to be thankful for.

Then I don't want to believe, but I am believing. I don't want to break, but I am breaking.

Could it be?

"When all is said and done, I'll just be a spec in the galaxy." - david archuletta

Your galaxy. :'(

whirlwind

It's been a long time...

I didn't turn my back to the person I really am. It's just that sometimes... even if I don't like to accept it, I am blinded and I tend to overlook the chances that are laid out in front of me. Sometimes I fall down and I feel like life does not give me much of a choice, even if it always does.

Yeah... I've been kind of busy. I've been busy trying to live.

"Talking to myself and feeling old..." - carpenters

Because I do feel old. I've come a long way and yet I've still got a long way to go.

Sometimes I just like to hit my head with a hammer to perhaps knock some sense out of me... What am I doing with my life? :'(

Some days I'm all about positivity. Other days I spell misery. I must have a manic-depressive disorder! Again... what am I doing with my life?

Darn.

All I can think of is find another way to live. How? That I have to think about too.

All I really want is what you've been saying all along.

Suddenly everything about my life does not matter. It's all about the deepest desire of my heart.

Then I do, then I don't. I feel, I don't feel. Life is fair, life is unfair.

I am twisted!

I know my struggles and confusion would lead me to achieving my end goal. So now I got to be who I am now... then who knows tomorrow? Things might get better.

NO. I am certain of it. Things will be better.

"You know it's love when you dream, a monster just swallowed you up and you don't wanna be saved." - alisha's attic