dahil sa munting berso

Ilang ulit na nga bang nagtangkang sumubok?
Hindi pa rin magawa.

Pinipilit takbuhan ang katotohanan.
Sa tuwing maririnig...
sadyang nagkikibit balikat.

Marahil nga...
naubos na ang lahat...

Nagdaan ang isang libong mga ilaw
at ang diwa'y nahimlay sa mumunting berso
na animo'y tao kung makasigaw.

Darating ba ang araw
na matatawag kong katapusan?

Sa bawat segundong lumilipas
ay 'di maiwasang naisin
na ang tren na inaasahan ay madiskaril na lamang
matapos lang ang paghihirap na nadarama.

Nagdaan ang isang libong mga ilaw...

Naalala kita.

By the Radiology Department Window

"Radiology, good morning!"

Working for eleven hours for three straight days is taking its toll on me. It was a super busy Saturday. I had to be a nurse/receptionist/orderly today. Imagine...orderly! There was this one regular x-ray patient who has this super demanding relative. I mistook her for the doctor! Kung makautos akala mo doktor! And I had to rush back up to the sixth floor then down again on the ground floor. Could not push the wheelchair a bit faster because she would think I was in a rush and I would get a good scolding again. Hahahaha! Hard knocked life it is! The nurse gets to be blamed for everything! Even if it is the radiologist's fault, it will still be the nurse's fault! Aaaaahhhh!!! Hahahaha! I am going crazy! At least I'm not crying anymore.

And this morning, before all the madness began...

Somebody stopped by my window and said hi. :)

" Ngayon lang ako natapos."

It was quarter to eight in the morning, and his shift ended almost two hours ago.

" Hehe, okay lang yan. Maaga pa naman. (Literally)".

Went on to tell his unfortunate funny story...

"Awww... hindi pa rin nahahanap?"

Made a sad face.

Hahaha... That had to make my day. :)

And for the first time ever I didn't see that person I dislike. Yehey! Baka day off niya. Good for me. :)

november 27th

Yesterday I almost gave up... and just as I was about to give in, God gave me something wonderful today.

I just got my first ever pay check.

Ang sarap ng feeling. Yung sobrang pinaghirapan ko, nagbunga na. Well, I know, barat ang sweldo ko, but the moment I took hold of my check, I was so proud of myself. Hindi biro ang pinagdaanan ko ha. Muntik na akong umiyak ng dugo...

:)

Thank You Lord for giving me the people I need. I'm thanking You for the following people...

• My parents... para sa paghatid sakin tuwing madaling araw sa ospital. haha, mahal na mahal nila ako, super ramdam ko!
  
• Sir Migs... for all the stories he shared, and for showing up just when i needed a friendly company. I will never forget the first time i received my first salary because he was with me. ;)
  
• Ate Tess (Ma'am Tess tawag ko sa kanya sa hospital, parang joke lang!haha!) ... for always encouraging me and reminding me that I am great and that I can be a good nurse.
  
• Ma'am Joy , Ma'am Marissa, Sir Vic, Sir Jasper and Sir Joseph... for making me feel so at home. :)
• Sir Alvin... for telling me to not quit at the time when I was so tempted to do so.
• Tin... for being my closest batch mate and for helping me sort out my mishaps. hehe
• Sir Marco, Sir Rob, Sir Manfred, Ma'am Glenda, Ma'am Princess and Ma'am Paula for bearing with me. I was going through a very tough ordeal when I started working, what with all my misfortunes and issues of the heart, and their kindness helped me get by.
  
• Gina, Ian, Irene, Leony, Daniel, Jeff and Alyssa... for giving me reasons to still work. I have good friends to greet and share my bitterness to. haha
• Sir Smiley... for being so friendly kahit na ang tahimik ko. Sobrang pinagtyagaan akong kaibiganin... at dahil sa kanya, may bago akong natutunan... mas maganda ang araw pag laging nakangiti. :D
  
• Ma'am Xenia and Ma'am Gloria... for being the most patient charge nurses.
  

Sila muna mga pasasalamatan ko ngayon. It is because of them that my working place becomes a little bit better. :) Kahit papano, may mga mababait pa rin, diba?

Hay... yes. Today was a happy day. :)

** it would be much happier had I not seen the person I dislike. my shift was about to end, and I was about to make a remark that finally, I would live to get through a day without seeing that person... and then, as if destiny was playing a joke on me, that person suddenly passed by beside me... a glass window kept us apart. oh why, oh why did i glance at the glass window? i was in the middle of doing something and an unexplainable force made me look. i hated it. tsk!there goes my quintessence. grrr...**

Bought ice cream and shared with my family, the little sweetness that is left of life. Someday, I would bring home much more. :)

***Happy birthday Didge. :)***

plain dislike

The first time we met, it was instant dislike.

There was just something about you that made my heart break all over again. I didn't know what it was. I had no objection about you caring about no one else but yourself. I was more than happy to get out of your way. Go ahead, do what you have to do. Ignore me, so I can ignore you too.

Poor you. I know it is not your fault why I am like this.

How can I possibly make the world bigger for us?

Why oh why can't I look at you without feeling this indescribable dislike?

Why is it that you seem to be everywhere?!

My heart did something that I thought it was not capable of.

The moment I avert my eyes from where you are, there goes my heart again.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you...

There goes my heart again. :'(

Isang Daang Hakbang tungo sa Hinaharap

Sinusubukang pawiin ang pagkauhaw.

Habang papalayo sa itinakdang gusaling
babago ng aking buhay.
Tila napapalibutan ng ulap ang aking paligid...
dahil ba wala ang matapat na katuwang?

'Di bale na.
Hindi dahil malabo ang paningin
ibig sabihin ay bulag na ako sa mga totoong kaganapan
sa masaklap na mundo.

Ang dami kong nais sabihin.

Inom pa ng tubig.
Sa ngayon, siya lamang ang makakapagbigay sa'kin ng buhay.

Alam mo ba...
Sa isang banda...
Huwag na lang pala.

Marahil kasabay ng pagsira ko ng pinto
habang buhay na ring mananatiling tikom ang aking bibig.
Hindi ko maintindihan.
Mahirap na madali.
Habang wala akong sinasabi
wala ring napupukaw na damdamin.

Walang ibang napapansin
kundi ang nasasalubong na mausok na hangin.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mas nasasaktan...
kung anong parte ng kaluluwa o katawan.

Napatingin sa langit.

Gaya ng buhay ko
Nabalot na ito ng kadiliman.
Ang kaunting mga bituing natitira
ay ang aking mga munting buhay na pag-asa.

Nagpakita na rin ang buwan.

Kung dati ang daming kong katanungan idinudulong sa iyo...

Ngayon ay wala na akong tanong.
Para saan pa mahal kung buwan?
Ang mahalaga'y nariyan ka.
Tayo na lang uli.
Kasama ang mga bituin...
ang natitira lamang
ay tanging ikaw at ako.

Ikaw at ako ngayong gabi
at sa mga darating pang gabi ng buhay ko.

Hindi sapat ang aking dala
para ang uhaw ay mawala.
Sa aking tanaw ay tuluyan ng naglaho ang gusaling iyon...
gaya ng pagkawala ng mga pangarap ng kahapon.

almost there

ALMOST THERE... it was two years ago when these two words became significant to me. Coincidentally, it was also November two years ago that this damned circumstance had to trouble my world.

I'm almost there... almost getting there...

I don't wanna jinx up all my luck, but I have to say that so far, I am liking my week. :) Even though work was as usual, so toxic, I think I'm getting the hang of it. I am not as depressed as I was when I first started. It may be that I am finally starting to adjust with how the whole total patient care service thingy works. Haayy... I gotta keep believing that I am capable of doing what I have to do. I did not pass the board exams for nothing right? I got to start somewhere. Another cliche: No pain, no gain. :)

I am almost there. Smile. :) Thank You Lord that I finally came to accept what You keep telling me. I did not listen two years ago, and I did not listen this year too. Hahaha... I could be very hard headed sometimes... but I know that all of this served a better purpose. Honestly, I still do not know what it is. I am just keeping the faith, that in time, You will make me realize why what happened had to happen.

Can I just share one insignificant thought of mine? It's just that my songs of the moment are about to change... change into happy songs. :D This came to be because somewhere along my road of heartaches and sufferings, God gave me the people I needed.

I cannot forget the one afternoon that I thought my mind would blow apart because I felt that I did not do a single task of mine right. Even though my working environment was filled with witches, there were surprisingly two kindhearted monsters. Hehehe. ;)

This one monster... has one of the most smoldering eyes. I could never forget this monster, because he was the kindest of all, and he helped me get by that one spiteful afternoon. So one time this week, while I was waiting for my friend to finish her charting and documentations, I quietly sat beside the infamous clock. I was feeling famished and I tried to fill my hunger by consuming one bottle of water. In the corner of my eye, I could see him walking towards me, and I did not know if I should say hi or just nod in acknowledgment.

I did what I always do. I pretended to be nonchalant of his presence. For me, it was only me and my bottle of water. When he stopped in front of me to claim something from the Billing office, I did not even budge. I was pretty sure I was breathing but that time it felt like I was drowning. When he turned around it was him who nodded and smiled. I waved in reply.

This afternoon, I got another chance to see the monster again. Though I did not have any business with him, it was the fault of the ringing station phone that I had to speak with him. I was all over the place as much as he was that I was not aware that he was sitting beside me a fourth of a time.

"Sorry ma'am, magulo." I heard his voice and it startled me.

"Okay lang po sir." You need not apologize.

I am not making something out of it... but it's kind of a wonderful, weird and crazy feeling. Am I in trouble? I think not yet. ;)

And for the record... his name does not have a letter "j". I hope I can be healed of the damned disease. hehe

I'm getting there... I'm almost getting there. :)

kain tayo

"Kumain ka!"

Oo.

"Kumakain ka pa ba?"

Oo naman.

"Kainin mo 'toh... kumain ka pa. Ano bang nangyari sayo, bakit ganyan na hitsura mo?"

Oo... kakainin ko yan... sige, kakain pa ko... kakainin ko yan lahat.

I admittedly wanted to lose weight... but I did not intend to lose so much. Please give me and my heart some slack... I am trying my very best to be alright as soon as possible, but it's just the way my body copes.

"Hoy payatot!" Dad would come to me and gently massage my back. Hahahaha... I never dreamed that word will ever be associated with me. I can only wince. My dad's not liking it either. I think we all agree that I am better off looking porky.

" 'Tol, grabe ka... liit ng mukha mo. Nag mature tuloy hitsura mo... pataba ka na uli."

So every morning, before I leave for work, I eat what I can eat just like a pig... and take all the vitamins and supplements I can take... only to miss lunch over and over again.

It's a hard knocked life for me. I feel ugly when I am chubby and I look even worse when I get thin. I am just looking at the bright side... at least now I can pig out without worrying about gaining so much weight. It is thanks to my super stressful work that my body's metabolism had gone a bit hay wire. For now, I am just going to eat whenever I can.

I can just imagine what my dear friend would say... I'm probably gonna get the worst "tell off" of all time.

Hahaha... this will all pass. Didn't I tell you I will be better soon? Haayyy... I cannot even face the camera anymore. Lately, I don't feel like it because I look awful. So not like me.

'Pag pumayat pa 'ko grabe na ha. Ayaw kong pumayat ng sobra... kaya tara! Kain tayo. Kain tayo para sa'kin... kase natututo na ako. :)

ready to face the world again

The past three months had proved to be so trying for me. Aside from having to deal with a heart break, there was that great flood that almost made us homeless, and I was frustrated because I was so eager to work... to make something happen in my life, and it just was not happening.

They say everything happens for a reason. Yeah, super cliche. That everything falls into place at the right time... So when the thing that I waited for finally came, I thought about lots of things.

• when God closes a door, He opens a window.
• I need to appreciate the sun more.
• I will forget more easily because I have something else to think about.
• that I will finally start fulfilling my dreams.

Here's what happened... when it finally came, I learned that not all the things that I want will make me happy... at least in the beginning. I learned that life is really hard. I learned that is so convenient to just dream and so tiring to really work hard to live the dream. I learned that there are more people who will bring you down than the ones who will pull you up. I also learned that when you're in the very bottom, there's no other direction left for you to go but up. So no matter how down I am now, I will eventually be high sooner or later. (Feeler!hehe)

Haayyyy... I did not want to use the word "toxic" but there's just no other suitable term for it. Work is toxic. The people around me are unbelievable. I thought I knew the meaning of the word mean... Oh dear... I defined the word wrongly.

My working environment added even more to my depression. My first week did not go by without me shedding tears. I seriously thought of giving up, but I did not have the heart. I did not want to give up on my dreams that easily. I forced myself to fight even though it hurt a lot. It hurt because I gave in to the thought that maybe it was not meant for me... :'( It hurt even more because even though my loved ones were very supportive of me, I still felt the need for him to be there for me... He never was... never was...

I felt so hopeless. All I could do was cry... and pray... and cry... and pray, pray, pray.

Buti na lang... God is a loving and merciful God. He helped me today... He gave in to my wish, made things a bit better today. :) It was the first time I smiled a heartfelt smile since I officially became a working hospital nurse. :D

Though I still was a bit slow today, I improved a little bit. It was such an achievement for me. I know I will finally be able to adjust... little by little everyday. I was so happy I had to treat myself. I just realized I haven't been able to eat lunch for the longest time because work is so toxic we hardly have time to eat. Seriously.

"Have yourself a merry little christmas..."

When I entered SM Bicutan, that song was playing. I openly embraced the cold that engulfed me. The last time I went inside the building, I was with him... and he held my hand. Hahahaha... so I am back to where I was before he came. It isn't so bad. My hand may have no other hand to hold, but I can manage. I felt the frosty air conditioned atmosphere, and I liked it. It numbed my heart. Then out of the blue... surprisingly, I did not feel that familiar pang. I was waiting for it, but it never came. I felt like smiling instead.

I am tired of feeling sad. It's time for me to experience other emotions again. I want to be happy... I want to be happy right now... so out of the blue, the craziest idea came to me.

I bought something that will bring about a change in my life. It is a big step for me, because buying that something meant I have to get rid of another thing. I know it's gonna hurt... but I have to stop holding on.

"Through the years, we all will be togehter, if the fates allow, hang a shining star upon the highest bough, and have yourself a merry little christmas night."

I'm looking forward to having another great christmas. I hope my heart is totally healed when that time of the year comes. Smile. :')

*Paalam Sinta.*

jurassic days

*I am, I feel... I sometimes think that you forget that this girl's a person you know...*

so that's just the way it works? after what seemed like ages that's just it?!

if it had not been for my friends i would have pined away. it isn't easy trying to push away the need... the need that i cannot be needing because it is impossible to attain. :'(

why do you say so much and do so little? even after all these jurassic days that i wished i was dead because you already left my world and i kept feeling like i needed you but i could not, you still get to contradict every little thing you say about you, about what you want and who you really are... and it hurts so bad because i keep believing you... even with all your broken words of promises. madaya ka.

*I am, I feel... I sometimes think that you forget that this girl's a person you know...*

:'(

my life so far in strings of words

it feels like my bones are about to fall off of my body.

every little bit hurts.

tired... exhausted... hopeless... but hopeful?

i am not about to give up.

a little bit thankful.

restless... feeling stupid...

:'(

i cry because i got the thing that i waited for so long.

it isn't easy. don't wanna be ungrateful but i feel like i am being melted in fire.

it's all good. (yeah, i'll keep saying that to myself)

so tiring... but as i said, IT'S ALL GOOD.

It's good to come home feeling so tired and beaten up that all i have to think of is sleeping and nothing else. Not think of a place, a person... not even a feeling.

carry out... follow up... refer... administer...

discontinue... discharge...

and i am out.

literally.

how is he?

Sometimes even if you feel like the earth's turning in a whole new axis, you'd still find yourself craving for the world you thought was good for you, even if it never was.

How is he?

Krishna answers: I think he's okay. He's a nurse too. Just passed the NCLEX. He's having a hard time finding a suitable hospital in New York.

How is he?

Krishna answers: Maybe he's dead. *wicked giggle* I really have no idea. No news is good news. He's having the time of his life, I guess. *grins... wanting to stab the one who asked*

How is he?

Krishna answers: He's getting married next year. I don't know if he already proposed.

How is he?

Krishna answers: He's still fixing his broken heart. He isn't about to entrust himself to anyone but to himself. *i sigh... what is he, some kind of a male counterpart of me?... wishfully thinks... punishes myself for nourishing the thought.*

How is he?

Krishna answers: I don't know. I really do not care. *seriously and truthfully*

How is he?

Krishna answers: Do you miss him? You can get in touch with him through facebook. I don't have him inside my pocket. How should I know how he is?! *haha... uh-oh, Krish is giving the brush off*

How is he?

Krishna answers: *ignores the question* ... I am so bored. *pretends to not have heard the question*

How is he?

Krishna answers: Who is he?

How is he?

Krishna does not answer. * Oh Lord, please turn me into a bird so I can fly, fly away!*

How are you? Can we meet some time?

Krishna does not answer. * I don't need you to save me... rolls my eyes.*

Are you okay? 'Cause I feel that you are not...

Krishna answers: SO NOW YOU CARE?!!

Aaaaaahhhhh!!! Please, oh please! Leave me alone!!!

It all hurts just the same. :'(

Sometimes I feel it, most of the time I do not.

Tonight I am feeling it. I saw the moon tonight and I did not even shrug. I stared at it, dared for it to try and make me suffer... and it was not able to.

If truth be told, I do not miss anyone of the he's they asked about.

...but I am hurting just the same.

I have been celebrating the night away because my sister passed the ECE board exams. Hurray to finally having an engineer for a sister! :) *thank You Lord for giving me something to be happy about*

Now my world is spinning.

... and I cannot help but think how stupid I've become for not being able to answer the question: HOW IS HE?

SIGH... I was trying not to write the word sigh... coz it would just mean I am leaving it at that again.

My head is really spinning... and I am not really sure if I am really writing as of the moment, or I am just stuck in my dreams.

Oh please, oh please Lord...

The world I knew had long changed. I need to carry on. Please help me long for it not.