A time to close my eyes

The truth, I find, is one the most scariest things in life.

Sometimes it is a saber that tricks you into thinking that it would not pain you when it strikes.  When it does hit you more than once, that would be the only time you'll realize that it still hurts, no matter how blunt you think it is.

Most of the time, it is sharp.  That's what makes it even more frightening.  Is there even a need for me to describe it?  People say it all the time.  The truth hurts, and it cuts perhaps more deeply than a knife.  The truth can make an incision made by a knife look like a simple abrasion.  The truth sticks to your gut.  When you try to run away from it, it sucks up everything inside of you... your hope and your dreams.

Tonight, I deliberately accepted a truth I can't continuously run away from.

Yes, I want many things at the same time and it looks like the nine out of ten things that I desire, God answered me with no.

I know everything happens for a reason.  It's something I keep telling myself.  When all of this pain is over I would triumphantly say, "There you go... This is why God said no."  There's still tomorrow. I can try being happy again.

But for now... since everything just feels so crazy and I feel like crap, I can do nothing but close my eyes, and see while not being able to physically see.  What I can't see would not hurt me... or so I think.

My only saving grace

I admit that I am not a holy person.  I remember wanting to become a nun way back when I was younger, but I admit, I really did not know back then what I really wanted.  I saw myself being a nun while taking care of sick people.  I wanted to be a nun/nurse.

Young as I was, I appreciated so many things about Mother Mary.  I would wear a scapular or a rosary under my uniform during my elementary days. Both non-Catholics and Catholics classmates would make fun of me... they probably thought I looked and acted weird.  (What was so wrong with wearing a scapular or rosary anyway? How ironic it was that we were studying in a Catholic school and we prayed the rosary every morning... matching songs and all).  Anyway, my point is... though it took me a long time to memorize all the mysteries of the Holy Rosary, I can never deny that praying the rosary has always been a big part of my life.

I know it took years and so many lessons for my faith to mature, and it was hard to pray meaning all the words instead of just memorizing and speaking them out loud as was always done and practiced... but there were moments when those words were really more than words...and I felt them during the times that I was most broken.

I still remember all those hopeless nights that I prayed, and all the times that I was hurt.  I didn't know how to take the pain away.  After praying the rosary, for some reason, I would feel better.  I always believed Mama Mary would look down upon me with mercy, and so would Jesus, and God the Father... but I always felt like I didn't deserve forgiveness, and it was harder facing them than it was asking Mama Mary for intercession.

During the time that I felt most broken, and I was praying for her intercession, I felt a sudden relief of pain.  Like I was immersed in plain, invisible, soothing comfort.  I was broken, but for some reason I can't explain, I felt loved... and I was given hope.

I'm about to face something that has become my fear for the longest time.  Failing me.  Try as I may, I can't ignore the way I'm feeling depressed lately.  I think anytime now, I'd go insane.  I'm on the verge of a destructive panic... and then out of nowhere, a reminder hit me in the face. :')

I may not always get what I want but I am loved, no matter how sinful I am.  I am loved.  I know my daily prayers and petitions to Mama Mary might not be enough for me to over come the fear that I have to face, but I know once again, that she'll make sure I'll be loved... that I'll never be forsaken.

I'm so anxious I could cry the whole night. Talk about ineffective coping to the highest level. Hehe.

Thank You Lord for all the blessings.  I am thanking You now for all the times that You said yes, and for all the times You said no, because I know everything happens for a reason.  If You're about to say no again, then that would only mean I would be one step closer to the plan that You are planning for me.

A little too late

Just this afternoon, I was engaged in a petty heated argument... because of a certain question that I did admittedly did not fully understand.  The conversation ended with me feeling sad.  Maybe it was because of the way things abruptly ended.  Like I was waiting to hear something more reassuring but all I got was anger and a cold shoulder.  I felt like I deserved the short attention only because it needed to be reiterated to me that I was wrong about something.

I was feeling downhearted... and then Pink's "True Love" started playing on the radio.  As in it played probably less than ten seconds after the conversation was cut.  I listened to the lyrics...

Sometimes I hate every single stupid word you say
Sometimes I wanna slap you in your whole face
There's no one quite like you
You push all  my buttons down
I know life would suck without you

At the same time, I wanna hug you
I wanna wrap my hands around your neck
You're an asshole but I love you
And you make me so mad I ask myself
Why I'm still here, or where could I go
You're the only love I've ever known
But I hate you, I really hate you
So much, I think it must be...

True love...true love. It must be true love. Nothing else can break my heart like true love. It must be true love.  No one else can break my heart like you.

The moment the chorus ended, I laughed to myself and felt good.  Yeah right.  True love. I like the way the lyrics were so simple, and yet so honest.  Kind of hit me right through the gut.  It made me believe in all the good things that I have in my life.  I am in an imperfect relationship, but at least I have someone to love.

The day progressed and all my positive thoughts were rewarded with silence.  That tugging ache started to come back again.  I tried to ignore it the best way I could.  Told myself off for being the paranoid fool I've always known to be... Hours passed...

...and then this moment...of feeling a little less loved...

When I let the butterfly fly away. :'(  I see it leaving, and I just let it leave.  No use in holding it back. :'(

Thank you Pink... but unfortunately, my life right now will not be as chaotic and happy as your song.  Tonight, I would have to deal with just a chaotic one... and all the silence.

Maybe it's time to accept defeat... maybe sometimes, giving your best and doing your best just really won't cut it... because it's not meant to be.

Stress Tower

I officially started my candy crush hiatus today, though it technically started yesterday.  I decided to do so because I just want to be really focused on a goal that is taking so long for me to achieve!

SIGH... no scale could measure the value of my anxiety level right now.  I am worse than ever!  I'm in the verge of being in the state of major depression because I am just so anxious! My worries are building up so high, it could probably create the highest tower of stress in the whole world!

I am getting depressed because I have no idea where I am headed, plus some other things concerning future plans. :'(

What would you do if you suddenly realized that being with you is not a priority... just a plan, but not something to prioritize?...

Everything in my life right now is so unbalanced.  I am surprised that I am able to keep my sanity up until this moment.

The way I feel right now is exactly the way I felt more than a decade ago when the word "complicated" ruined my whole world.

I have no other desire but to find a way to demolish all of my troubles.  Maybe start rewriting my life... start accepting that more often, life does not go the way you want and planned it.  Be in touch with the truth that expectations will just lead me to more ache and destruction.

SIGH...

Everything counts

BIG PAUSE. 

That's where I am now... still.  

I've been reading lots of posts in Facebook lately and I saw some interesting status message about living life God's way, and not my way... about focusing on the Blessor and not so much on the blessing.  That way I could be more appreciative of what I have.  I'm trying to help myself in the best way I can.  This is me trying to deny that I am simply, hopelessly depressed.  This forces me to think of the tiniest things to make myself feel better.  

Last night, Sinta and I were talking about random things.  We started quizzing each other about nursing concepts and related stuff, then when we finally had enough, we just talked about nothing and everything.  Though we had talked about our past roughly for uncountable times already, reliving old memories never seem to grow old. He mentioned particularly how I seem to recount every detail of every memory we talked about.  I would recount even the least important of movements, and he was amused.  

I had to think to myself why he thought most of the things I remembered seemed insignificant.  

It's just the way I am.  So what if I can still remember the way he moved when we met down the hall... how my fingers had this spin-the-pen reflex when I am anxious because he was looking my way?  I am that person, who cherishes every heartbeat that jumped for joy, who's always in touch with every ache.  Yeah... the psychologist in MNH was right. I am a subjective person... but... only when it comes to myself. 

So now I had to rationalize why I am so in touch with the smallest of details... because sometimes, when I find myself in a situation where I feel that I am worse than inadequate, these small details are the ones that keep me going.  They give me a glimmer of hope that I still deserve days that all I have to do is love life while living it, while compiling all the smallest details.  

Like when my world was falling apart, and all I was feeling was the terrible dread of losing someone I love... the smell of kimchi from the Korean canteen of Building E1... that blue and red bag filled with heavy MS books, the biting of cheeks while staring at the numbers on the screen that indicated the floor the elevator was currently on... the sliding doors... his indescribable smirk, the swag he had when he walked away... Now why should I forget all the details? When I look back now and then, these details still leave me in awe because of how things currently worked out, while some did not. 

Yes, everything counts... even the light pats in the back and the moments when he had me singing Collide in my mind. ;) 

The Rescue

" I am a lunatic from the gracious days. I used to be woebegone, and so restless nights. My aching heart would bleed for you to see... oh, but now..." 

It has not been more than a month ago that I said something about rescuing myself.  Well, this morning, it finally dawned on me that hey, it can't all just end in words. I seriously have to do something about it.

Tell you what, it may sound so insignificant, but it has been raining a lot lately... Kind of reflecting what I have been feeling for so long... :'(

I remember that day, when all that flooding was so bad. I have not felt an ache for a very long time, and that day it came.  I ignored it.  I focused on what I thought was a funny ridicule... I ignored that scary vision that I probably would find myself buried into, some time in the near future.  And today, it has not even started raining yet, but I remembered it suddenly.

I guess what some people say is true though... that after so much despair, hope will finally show itself...

"Oh but now... I don't find myself bouncing home whistling buttonhole tunes to make me cry..."

It's about time.

**Thanks Annie Lennox for the inspiring song... girl power!!!**

Easy to ignore

Browsing through FB's newsfeed is getting really depressing for me.  If not for candy crush, I think I would have deactivated my account. :(

I can't believe after much perseverance I am at this phase again.  

"You and the moon are a beautiful sight to me..."

That again.  So it has been years and that song by sixpence none the richer still reigns over my life. 

What am I to do now?

They say the first step to healing is acknowledge the facts.  

Let me make things clear.  Years ago, I was able to accomplish this feat. You know, accepting the facts.  Foreseeing that time and time again, I only have me to rescue myself.  That I could never rely on anybody else.  I could never be a damsel in distress.  

It was fulfilling, achieving that feeling that no one could let me down, no matter how lonely I seemed. I kind of already planned it out.  I thought I planned right.

Let's fast forward to now... now that I am somewhere different from what I imagined.  My plan needed to be revised.  I had to think less of myself, and more of whom I share my heart with.  

That being said, I think I was trying to be positive. We all get what we deserve right? 

So do I really deserve this now?... Now that I'm realizing I need to get back to my original plan... because now, the recent plan is most likely no longer feasible.  

SIGH... I think I'm far more stronger than the person I was before. I vow to never make my family suffer because I'm suffering.  This time, I will not let them see me cry.  

I let the night break, and I rest in the truth that my heart could not ache anymore.  

Righ back at Ya... no, right back at me...

Last night I was able to chat with a former colleague. He was (should I say) devastatingly heartbroken.  He didn't want to talk about it.  So I changed the topic and surprisingly, he said briefly why.  (Reverse psychology lang pala kailangan?haha!)

Anyway, being the good "ate" friend I was, since he has my loyalty, I was strongly vocal about what I thought.  You know me, the great advocate of moving on even though it hurts.  The type who believes if someone doesn't want you anymore, there's just no point forcing them to want you still.  What else did I say? Having someone say to you that they're tired of you is the worst thing someone could ever say. That he doesn't need people who will just give up on him.  

I probably made him feel better... even if it's just a tiny bit alleviation of his suffering... he laughed with some of my expressions, and yeah, he thought some of the emphasis in my phrases were genuinely funny.  I was glad I could help. Yehey! I was a cheerleader for a night.  A well deserved pat on the back for me for being a strong friend. 

So what happens when by the irony of everything, something happens to me and then I find myself feeling the very thing my friend was feeling? 

Well, our situations differ in great magnitude, but the intensity of the pain is equal.  

What should I tell myself? That I don't need someone who will just walk away from me just like that? That I don't need someone who can easily leave and not look back?

Yes. I don't need someone like that in my life... but I also know that hurt as I was, I can't just give up on the person that I love. 

"You don't give up on the people you love. You CAN'T."

I told my friend that too.  

I can't... and I know the ultimate truth that even if I can, I won't.

Then when I was about to lose hope and start being the cheerleader for myself... 

Things turned around... He came around. He came back.  

It's annoyingly funny how I shamelessly choke on my own words... each and every time so it seems. 

So yeah, right back at me. :( 

Searching for hope

I remember a time when a downhearted friend asked me, "Is it that bad to want something so badly?"

I remember the question... I do not remember what my answer was.

Maybe I said everything happens for a reason... Or maybe I quoted my favorite mantra: God's delays are not His denials.  Or maybe I replied, God will give it to you at the perfect time.

Right... so why when I find myself in a similar situation, I can't seem to convince myself about all my positive responses? :(

I am not brave enough to go to hell... my life feels like it's hell but people say it's even worse there.

I search for it under my chair... under the table... and almost everywhere. :(

round and round i go...

I found myself downloading for the first time, a song by a particular singer that I am not so fond of.

Maybe when you're broken, you suddenly change to someone you never thought you would be.

"... makes me feel like I can't live without you..."

Or maybe I can... but I'll be living like I'm dead.

I had to force myself last night to be thankful for what I have.

• I am unemployed, but I am provided with food and shelter.
• I am unemployed but because my parents are generous, I don't have to worry about my phone's credit. (not that I need it now. I could turn off my phone for the whole year and it would not matter)
• I have all the time for watching all the television shows I want.
• I can listen to the radio all day long, and nobody would be obliging me to stop.
• I have my family... my family that's whole and not broken.

And then I can't think of anything more... because yeah, aside from that, I have nothing else left.  

Now is the best time to never wake, but my problem is, I can't even force myself to sleep. 

Here I go again. 

"Funny you're the broken one but I'm the one who needed saving..." 

And then I realize, oh well, I can't really depend on others to do that for me.  I only have myself.  

March is about to end... Let me be honest and tell you that it hasn't been a good year since March 2012. Let's just say I've been trying not to give up on my dreams, but time and time again, the circumstances seemed to be telling me otherwise.  

"How's it gonna be?" As if the universe is mocking me at the moment.  I know the song is utterly about a different problem, but the question still hits me like a sounding slap.  

Honestly, I don't know.  

The news is depressing.  I would have thrown up every now and then if I let myself get affected with most of it.  It makes me think of how cruel life is... when it shouldn't be.  I see myself in the hopelessness of some of the stories.  They make me hate the world more.  

I cannot give up. As my friend put it, "Ang kapal naman ng mukha ko kung maggigive up ako." Maybe this anger that I am feeling is just a phase.  I know I am right where I am needed to be.  Maybe not knowing why makes me feel restless and insecure, but looking at the positive side is the only thing I can hold on to right now.  

Let's hope the next time I write something here, it would be in a much lighter note.  

Here's to hoping for a brighter future...though for now, everything is downright bleak. 

I'd like to know

I can stare at you for hours
and share nothing but my variety of sighs.
This is what time has for me.
A colorless void is eagerly swallowing me whole.
I try to move
but their voices keep me where I am.
I try to be free
but my feet stay stuck on the ground.

I don't know how you do it.

I hide beneath this undaunted facade.
You can stare at me for hours
and would not even know
that I'm slowly, painfully dying.

I don't know how you do it.

I don't know how you can stand it.

I wish I didn't leave my dream.
I wish I was in that place where my only responsibility
was to breathe.

I wish I could move on from this place.
I wish I could go on to some place
where my pleas could be heard.

Please tell me how you did it.

I'd like to know how to stop feeling this way.

Like all hope is lost.
Like there is nothing good left on earth.
Like there is no place where I belong.

I'd like to know how you don't feel any hurt at all.

Going mad

"...and some kind of madness has started to evolve." - Muse

I feel so hopeless that I don't wanna wake anymore.  That's the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning.  Even now that the day is starting to end, I have to purposefully lose myself in a song to keep me going... 

Aaaahhh... this is indeed madness. :( 

I'm at the point in my life where everything is held within a big pause. Everything, as in everything, is on hold.  If I were at the middle of a river, and I had to get to the other side by using boulders as a path, then I would be at the point where the boulder path ends.  I have to wait for the river to calm down before I can finally crossover. 

They say there is always hope... though I can't seem to find even a glimpse of it, I have no other choice but to press on. There's no looking back now. I need to chase my dreams and I will die trying.

I can't let whatever kind of madness I am feeling take control right? 

the answer for now is no

Those who choose to give up will always fail. 

And so the night starts again... I cannot cry anymore.  :')

I was angry at Him for saying no.  I asked Him why He was so selfish to me...  why I was not as lucky as the other people around me... why no matter how good I try to be, it seemed never enough.  I was so consumed with all the hurt I was feeling... I was on the verge of giving up.  I said some things that created a pain that was greater than my own.  

Then I realized and asked myself back... Why was I so selfish? I was not the only one suffering.  Why does no matter how He blesses me with things that I need, I still do not feel as lucky as the other people around me? Why, in spite of His enduring mercy, do I not feel loved enough?... 

I do not know.  I am hurting that I disappointed all those who believed in me and in what I can do... but most of all, I am hurting because I disappointed myself.  : ( 

I lacked faith... maybe all this that I am going through is a test.  I know it is.  Maybe God wants me to go the long way for me to be sincerely grateful... maybe He's telling me I need to rely and trust in Him, and not depend on myself... because I sure cannot succeed without His help. He knows better than I.  I keep telling other people that His plans are far more better than what we want for ourselves and so I am telling that to myself now.  Even though it hurts... The day will come when all the reason behind this pain will be revealed.   

The one lesson I learned from this experience is that, I was wrong in thinking that I am not loved.  That I was wrong in thinking God is not at my side for not hearing out my favor.  

You know what I got from my failure?... Tight hugs from my loved ones.  Words of love and encouragement... and most of all, the assurance that one of the most important people in my life will also not give up. : )

So I fail now... but I will not give up.  I am sorry Lord for giving in to my anger and for being weak.  I trust in You, I will always trust in You no matter how painful it is to follow Your will. 

lost road

" Reading all the signs along the way...knowing where I am , not what they say.  My destination's closer day by day, so I can't be concerned with the other side of the road." - The Highways of my life, The Isley Brothers
Except that I do not know where I am, nor can I say that my destination's getting closer.  I am no where half where I want or need to be. :( The other side of the road isn't too far.  I can hear everything that they say...
I know it's the new year, and that I should not start my year being so negative about life.  It's just that sometimes, no matter how you purposefully avoid something you mostly fear, you still end waking up having the same nightmare.  
It will almost be a decade since I last found refuge in that song... the highways of my life by the isley brothers.  It was when a dreadful nightmare came to life, and I did not know how to calm myself.  I think that I might have been too young, but nonetheless, I was the one who brought that nightmare upon myself, so I've only got myself to blame.  
Now the one thing that I fear... is it coming after me again?  Is life really that cruel or am I just willing it to find me?  
I can't concern myself with the other side of the road.  Much as I want to, I need to move along and reach what should be the end of the road that is meant for me.
I can just imagine myself in a deserted beach at night time... just offering up all my sighs to the stars... just staring up at them until my eyes get dry.  I will not care if sand comes flying around me, making me the greatest mess there is... I long for that feeling of total abandon, where I can just feel calm and easy.  
"So I can't be concerned... with the other side of the road..."