not going through the motions...

I'm softly typing away while Stacie Orrico's singing her heart out on the background.

Wicked smile. Hehehe. ;)

Today had been a great day. I was dreading I'd wake up and feel that heaviness again... but then I guess God really listens, especially when I pray so hard. :D

Good news: Ate Lang's first child will be a boy! Haha! I was right. The majority of our relatives and family members were all betting the baby will be a girl. Only Jett and Dad wanted a boy... I, on the other hand, also preferred a girl, but... but... twice I had a dream that I was taking care of a baby nephew. ;) So I was so sure the baby would be a boy. I remember telling ate Lang, "Trust me... Lalaki magiging panganay mo. " Hahaha... this is not the first time that a dream of mine came true. ;) So I still haven't lost the gift after all. :)

Another good news: that would have to wait for a few more days. :) I am so full of gratitude. :)

Wow... so many smiles. Thank You Lord. I didn't expect it.

Speaking of the gift... hmm... should I mention it here? Wicked smile again. ;) Maybe some other time. I'll keep the curious thought to myself for the meantime. My sisters are all keen about it though. Well... I don't feel the same. I think I won't be needing "the help". I mean... me? Search? Not in my wildest dreams! But let's see. Life has full of surprises.

Stacie's singing the same song for the nth time. :) :D ;) My heart is content and filled with hope. I know tomorrow's gonna be a brighter day. When something is lost... something is also found. :)

Thank You Lord. I feel like I haven't been thanking You enough... and before I go to sleep, I know I'll be uttering all my thanks still.

* My heart and my strength... many times they fail. But there is one truth, that always will remain... God is the strength of my heart. :D*

fixing the little pieces...

SIGH... the resigned sigh. In lots of ways, it's probably a good sigh... in some unfortunate tidbits, it's a sad sigh too.

Before I start pouring my heart out... ( Thank God I finally have the strength to write), I would like to mention, in a lighter note, that it was my parents' 29th wedding anniversary yesterday ( 20th of September). Need I say more? In spite of what I am going through, I am a certified witness that true love still can exist in the world and my parents are living proof of that. :')

SIGH... haha, another sigh again...

I was so emotionally exhausted these past few weeks. By being devastated, I also broke my dad's heart. :'( I can only blame myself for being the weak woman I am sometimes. Even without saying that there is something wrong, he knew I wasn't all right. He tried talking to me every night, encouraging me to eat more, talking softly, giving me the most sensible advices... and by holding in his rage ( 'cause I can tell that he was so angry), I realized that my dad really loves me. :') ( happy tears 'yan ha). I guess when he stopped talking to me, it was because he couldn't bear to see me so sad anymore. I knew what he wanted to say... but dad's just so surprising sometimes... he let me find out for myself. :) Thank you dad... You will always be the number one man of my life. Jett will always come after you... My only brother put his arm around me at a time when I needed it the most. He was so sweet. What more can I ask for? I have the two best men in the world. :D

Having said that... I guess I can say I'm feelin' better. I'm still healing... but definitely a whole lot better. :)

I was just informed that our original home in Muntinlupa will finally begin its reconstruction this Tuesday. The last time I went there, I've seen how messed up the whole house was. Even with all the debris and junk, I still felt nostalgic. So many memories... both good and bad. I can't believe that soon, I would have to part with it... the way it looked like... the safe way if felt like just being there... and the way it used to be like. It's saddens me a bit that I would have to say goodbye to the number one place I love the most. Our home.

In my mind, I can still picture the current state of our old home. Everything's falling apart. The leaking ceiling, the cracking walls, the moldy forsaken pieces of clothing... and the heart breaking emptiness. Soon, our home will be going through a whole lot more. Everything will be broken down. It will be destroyed so that in time, it will become better and new.

Our old home reminded me of how I am and my life is. Everything seems to be falling apart. My future seems so bleak, and my heart is ever so wounded... I lost something that for awhile was the only thing I have that still makes sense. :'( I feel so broken... it's a wonder how I could still break more everyday. I feel too tired to think of who to blame. It is without bitterness that I am accepting the fact that sometimes, love just isn't enough.

After the fall must come the rise... Like I said, soon our house will be transformed into a new home, offering something better. When we move back there, we can start making new memories. Traces of how the place was once crumbling will be gone. It will just be beautiful, peaceful, securing and strong. Perhaps it will be the same for me. I am broken now, so that in time, God will see to it that I will be whole again. My heart is in pieces, because when the time comes that I am able to fix it... it will be as good as new. It is in hoping that good things will come to me someday. I may be bruised now, but I know I will heal. There's just no other thing to do but take a step forward... so here I am... trying my best to move forward.

Didn't I say before that when God showered blessings, there were hundreds with my name on it?

So I am hurting now... but I'll never stop believing that I'll be happily basking in the sun someday... that I will be jovial while dancing in the rain... that even if I don't find someone whom I'll entrust my heart to, I will still feel complete and alive.

I am picking the little pieces of my heart and fixing it the way I know how. Sigh... I'm all by myself again... naturally. :')

naglalahong liwanag ng buwan

Wala ng makakatulong sa'kin ngayon.

Hindi ang naturingan kong kambal sa mga nagdaang buhay.
Hindi ang tagapayo ko ang magiging tagasalba.
Hindi ang misteryosong nilalang ng buwan.
Hindi ang kaibigang may lihim na damdamin.
Hindi ang patuloy pa ring lumalaban na pag-asa.

Mantakin mo'y mas malubha pa ang dinulot ng lahat ng ito kesa sa imaheng iyon na kasing mapangwasak ng kape?!

Nakabitin ako ngayon sa dulo ng napakanipis na sinulid.
Hangin, tubig, init at dilim.
Ano pa ba ang kailangan kong harapin?

Hindi ba't natutunan ko noon pa na sa mga bituin na umasa? Bakit nga ba hinahanap ko ang liwanag ng buwan?

Ako na lang mag-isa...
Ako na naman mag-isa.

Ano na naman bang ginawa kong mali? Talaga bang ito dapat ang mangyari sa'kin?

Naglalaho na liwanag ng buwan. Wala na akong makita... kase ang paningin ko, nabulag na ng mga luha.

Ako na lang mag-isa... Ako na naman mag-isa. :'(