patching things up

The first two weeks of school had been so stressful. Aside from ranting over our disorganized schedules, I had to pretend I was perfectly comfortable with the environment...(people and place alike).

Whatever had gone during the summer, I am so willing to leave behind. Knowing that I've got this unsettled feeling with me everywhere I go doesn' t really help. I can laugh about it, but after the laughter, the uneasy feeling doubles up. I have got to do something.

SIGH... this is worth a big sigh...

We aren't exactly friends as I would have hoped, but at least I don't feel any bitterness anymore. Come on, things had been so sudden, and it was good that I used my head and didn't invest too much emotions... it was something that I can whole heartedly brush aside.

I realized why a certain person had to become a part of my life... He may not know it but he saved me from a lot of unnecessary heartaches just by being the insistent person that he is. I guess God gave him to me as a friend so I can patch things up in a not so stressful way. Thank you Edlord...( I said I will not write names anymore, pero he deserves it... kung di dahil sa walang kahiyaan niya,malamang, nahihirapan pa rin ako). God always gives me the people I need. Mahal talaga ako ni Lord!

Sigh...I had a senti moment by the hammock tonight. After a very long time, I was finally able to cry out my hurts again... as in my old way of crying, that peaceful and effortless pouring of tears... Lately kase, nahirapan akong umiyak...kaya hindi ako nagiging okay dahil hindi ko maiyak mga hurts ko masyado. I had become stone hearted and I really didn't like the way it made me feel. So there... the hours I spent by the hammock were the most peaceful hours I had so far for the last two months.

I talked to God the way I talk to Him before. I missed that...having a sentimental moment with Him. I cried out my hurts... the way I think that He's being unfair, and all my lamentations about my not so pleasant life. I couldn't see the stars because the hammock was hanging between two small trees, and my view was covered with just leaves and branches...but the wind was so soothing, not too cold and not too humid. It was good enough. It had been a good cry, and it really gave me relief.

My request had been granted just tonight...just moments before I started adding an entry here on my blog. I couldn't have been more relieved, now I can sleep perhaps a little more peaceful. At least one of my constant worries had been resolved.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow. All I know is that, I'm glad I had the courage to even try to patch things up... Would it be conceited of me to think that I am learning from my mistakes and I am becoming a strong and rational person because of it?... Sigh... hehe, I'm just proud of myself for not being pathetic, that's all.

Lord, sobrang namiss ko Kayo... be with me again tomorrow, and for the rest of my days. =)

coming home

It's like the old times... I'm here at our real home in Muntinlupa and I am savoring the comfort it never lost.

I arrived here yesterday with mom and my sister Gel-gel. My mom and I went out. Her cellphone ran out of batteries hours after we arrived at the mall and she had to ask me to put her sim card in my cell phone because she needed to reply to an important text message.

I was so reluctant to grant her the favor. I quickly thought of all the registered calls in there that I have carefully not deleted. Missed calls, dialled numbers, and received calls most especially. Being the sentimental person that I am, I take pleasure in seeing the names of the special people in my life in my registered calls. It's my way of making myself feel good... that at one point in their busy lives, those special people called me, thought of me, and conversed with me despite the damage it would have done to their cellphone's load and phone bills.

As it was inevitable, I had to do what is right to do. I did what mom wants, and I didn't have time to take one last look at my dear registered calls. In a few seconds, they were gone from my phone's memory.

I went home not knowing how I feel about it. I was thinking about the one last call he made, and the call the other he made, and the last call made by him(Ahehe... daming him! manghula ka!) and the missed call made by another him(wahahaha!). They are now gone from my list. I think I felt a twinge of regret and a little bit of helplessness. I couldn't bring the list back.

Then I remembered... I'm in a letting go phase again and what had happened was the thing that I exactly needed. Fate was telling me to start on a clean slate, literally!

It was all good. I have to keep on saying this to myself. It was all for the best.

The flickering him struck again. He once again proved what an arrogant coward he is...sorry for the insult. I really had a feeling it will all end to this and it did.

So what had happened... it was all for the best. I had to be okay about it because I have to be. He isn't worth anything at all. I'm probably saying this now because I am upset, well...I have every right to be. This is my life and I am free to choose the way I want to make it right.

It's really time to leave things in the dark. This time I have to mean what I say... and I mean it. I mean it this time with all my heart. I could not wait to leave everything behind and now I'm glad I found the strength to actually fulfill it.

It was stupid of me to think at one point that there might be something to consider... because clearly, there wasn't any. That's probably it. The signs perfectly fit.

I'd like to think that this thingy with flickering him that transpired will make me a better person. I am glad I am home. I can once again re-evaluate my feelings and lash out my hurts silently the way I used to do. I am accepting my status... that I am one bitter, man-hating-fool... I just need to let this phase pass, and when I finally become alright, I know I'll forget that I ever felt this way.