A forgotten backstory

 Because Spotify randomly played a song I haven't heard for a long time...

It took me back to one night in 2007. 

Dad gave me a ride, because it was the only way he could be sure I would arrive at my destination safe.  Was on the way to a hospital in Manila for night duty, I was still on my nursing student years.  The drive from Navy Village where we lived at the time, didn't take that long. I just remember Gwen Stefani's song blasting in the background.  I was trying my best to keep my cool so dad would not notice, that I was almost out of my wits... with all the confusion eating me up inside.  We took a left turn in Quirino Avenue from Osmena Highway, and I was so uncertain of what I should do. 

"Meet me downstairs before you come up to the 8th floor. " The text message said. 

Why should I? Was he for real? Was he even in Manila? I was well aware their group was supposed to be in Pasay. Why would he still be in Manila at such an hour? Did he plan not to go home? How can I meet him when my dad was dropping me off? What would I say to dad when he asked me who that person is? What would my groupmates think of it? 

I couldn't possibly! Well, I didn't say yes, so I went straight to the 8th floor. 

Before our duty officially started, there was a bit of commotion, because apparently, my groupmates saw him by the entrance.  Waiting, they assumed, for one of our groupmates, who was his old flame.  The topic lasted the whole night, and the teasing seemed to go on forever. 

I didn't know what to make of it.  I was always the quiet one, and I couldn't bring myself to say, actually he was waiting for me.  So that night, I kind of bailed on him.   

Everything went by like a blur after that night.  The culmination of it all, would be a confrontation in the cafeteria, between me and our Clinical Instructor, with some of our classmates as witnesses.  They asked me about the real score between him and me. 

I couldn't give our CI an answer, because I was so clueless about what he felt, or of what he was trying to imply.  Everything about him was a cloud of incertitude.  

I guess some things never change. 

~o0o~

More than a decade of knowing you, 

and yet we still find ourselves here... 

at the edge of the road of indecisions. 

We walked for a long time together, 

until you let go of my hand, 

when you kept promising you never would.

We walked different paths. 

I made sure to never concern myself with your side of the road,  

as I've got my own track to tread. 

What the heck? 

What is your intent, walking by my side again? 

when I have long learned to trudge on my own. 

A bolt from the blue

 Can I just say I am speechless? 

I've been praying and meditating the whole day.  Gave myself some self love by listening to empowering podcasts.  That I made it through this day keeping my calm, is a blessing itself. I could feel a pending anxiety attack, but I think the praying worked. Thank You Lord for your mercy. 

Out of the blue, I heard from someone unexpected... lo and behold, the person bore good news! The last time I heard from him, he was not in such a good state.  He didn't know where he would get encouragement, and knowing me from years back, he remembered I always gave some sound advices/comments.  Anyway, he was much better now.  Good for him. The plan that he had a year ago, had come to fruition. It's always inspiring to hear stories like that. 

I scrolled back to our last conversation, and I can only laugh at how consistent I've been, when it comes to moving on. I read what I wrote: "You wanna know the very first thing I did para maging okay ako? I had to forgive him wholeheartedly... para sa sarili ko, not for him."

 This made me scroll down to my chat with a cousin's ex-girlfriend, and this is what I told her: 

 " I am not saying this because it is easy for me to say. I learned from my experience, that I will never heal if I don't forgive the one who hurt me. When I did, everything just felt lighter after.  Forgiving is difficult, but sometimes, you do it, not for the person who hurt you. You do it for yourself." 

It's true though.  Forgiveness is indeed a gift, you give yourself. Forgetting, however, is a different matter. 

Anyway, I can't put into words, how our conversation flowed... but I just gave him a gist of what I am currently going through.  I appreciated his way of boosting my morale. It just really surprised me that he kept bringing up references from our past.  I meant, the years we spent together working at the same hospital.  We were shift-mates for a month in Medical ward. Wait... maybe it was three months? I don't remember anymore.  What really came as a shock was how he casually came to a revelation, and I didn't know how to react. Didn't know what to say. 

I mean, really? How come I did not know? I didn't even feel? Didn't even get a clue? Really? Was I really that apathetic, that I didn't notice?  I think he didn't really try to let me know. Because everyone's comments about me were similar.  That I give off an aura of pushing people away.  Like there is this wall around me with a sign saying: DON'T EVEN TRY. IDGAF.

One senior nurse of ours just flashed in my mind.  She would always be pissed at me, because every time she would successfully humiliate me (like 9 out of 10, it really was not my fault. She does that because I am my father's daughter, and she didn't think I deserved to be there), I would stand there, take everything in, and look the same. I wouldn't even flinch. I would cry after, but never in the moment.  I never gave her the satisfaction, by letting her see me cry.  Maybe, most of them thought, wala ako pake. kase anak ako ng tatay ko, kase anak ako ng diyos. They would always say that. I would hear about it from concerned people.  I think my confidence was shattered because of it.  It took me years, before I started believing I could achieve things on my own...  Without dad's influence to back me up.  Ang random e noh? I just had to vent that out. Haha!

It's making me realize how impassive I must have come off to people.  My RBF probably made it worse. Haha! Good to know my friend still had something good to say in spite of my blunt affect. 

It just caught me by surprise. That is all. 

Maybe something is really wrong with me.  And it's not just my resting bitch face. 

Out with it

Have been sick the week that passed, and was sleeping most of my time away, so now, on a Friday night, with congested nose, teary eyes and all... I am wide awake, so I will just write what I've been meaning to write. 

Had a good conversation with an old friend of mine, I think three weeks back. Wonderwall, (we would call each other that, because we used to sing and ponder on Oasis' "Wonderwall") poured her heart out.  It took me back to the times when we used to engage in "unli" Wednesdays... we would just exchange our musings through text messages, all under, or exactly in 160 characters! Haha! We would talk about anything under the sun.  Ww was always vocal about what she felt, and I would share my feelings too. 

 Looking back now, it all the more reminded me that time is really passing by. Our life issues were so simple... the things we called problems, during our more youthful days, all seem funny now.  Adulting really transforms you into someone you never expect you'd be. 

Back to Ww sharing her personal struggles, I was so touched because she chose to open up to me.  The last time we saw each other was 2017.  Over the years, our busy lives got in the way of our constant communication, but with true friends, no matter how long you don't talk with or see each other, you just know nothing will change. 

I knew that her special admission was hard for her to do, but at that moment, she needed someone.  Coincidentally, I had the chance to be there for her.  I may not always have the right answers, but sometimes, just being there for a friend also helps me.  I was so grateful I came upon that chance.  Maybe she thinks I was there for her, but no, she was there for me.  I learned so many things from our conversation, and I know some would find it weird, but I felt God talking to me through her.   

God have always given me the people that I need. That night that we talked, the person came in the guise of a friend, who was in need of a friend.  Our talks of the heart did not end there, we would chat for some nights more, thus, the exchange of musings once more, but heavier thoughts this time around.  

When it was my turn to tell her about my current crosses in life, she did not disappoint. I always appreciate an objective friend. One who would tell me what I needed to hear, and not what I wanted to hear.  Ww gave me that.  In the end, her words made me cry, because I felt God's reassurance, that I was loved. I am loved.  Even with all my hurts, and other people's judgement against me, everything would always come to: "Love is love." Quoting Ww.  

I was once again reminded of the lesson I learned over the course of the pandemic... that life is fleeting.  I should not waste my time being judgmental of others, even to the ones who hurt me, because maybe, they are hurting too. Reiterating to myself to choose kindness, understanding, forgiveness and spreading love, no matter how little they may seem to be. I will add one more to the list... because I seem to have forgotten what helped me make it through all my pain... I should always choose to be thankful too. 

I now know what have helped me get through my heartbreak.  It was because I was just thankful I was alive each day that I found myself awake.  I would thank God for the long hours that I slept my pain away.  I would thank Him for the winter breeze that made my insides froze.  I would thank Him for the songs that soothed my heart. I was thankful for my pole classes that really kickstarted my moving on.  I was thankful for dragon boat, because it opened a lot of avenues for my self discovery. 

One lesson leads to another. So my conversation with Ww, made me think of people who resurfaced in my life again.  Since I am pouring my heart out too, might as well be done with it. 

Here are the things that I am thankful for at the moment: 

• For hearing her side of the story.  She might have hurt me, but she was hurting too.  Again, I should pass no judgment.  I hurt her too, maybe not intentionally, but I still hurt her.  I hope she won't waste her emotions on me anymore, because I can tell her, it just would not be worth it.  At least I know where she was coming from.  She may never know how it felt for me, because she seem to not have a clue about my side of the story, but it's okay. Some things are best left in the dark.  I don't want to add more to her hurts.  I hope she finds it in her heart to forgive me too.  I know it's futile to say that I already let them be a long time ago, and that I never expected that I would be the cause of her troubles.  I was just living my life, trying to find happiness in my solitude.  I didn't know about their plans, and I honestly didn't care anymore. It was none of my business, so to speak.  
• For having the courage to ask him to confront himself.  I may have not figured out what I want in my life, but I am pretty sure of the things that I do not want.  I do not want someone who can't take me for who I am.  I am not clingy, I am not needy, I am too strong and independent.  I learned how to be, because I had to, in order to survive the life I chose to live.  There are many things that I lack, but never question the way I love... and never accuse me of the things I never did, and would never do.  
• For getting sick this week.  It's an awful way to rest, but hey, it was still rest.  It meant I had more time for sleeping.  My heart was torn, because I knew my colleagues were suffering, but still thankful they were able to manage it. 
• For my heart to heart talk with Dr. M last week.  I am like her in a lot of ways. Maybe that is why we get along so well. Even though our days together are numbered, at least I felt that this person really has my best interest at heart.  I hope I would be successful in holding myself together when her last day at work comes.  My designation would be bleak after she leaves... maybe they would terminate me, or assign me in a different area. We'll see.  God will lead me to where I need to be.  
• For deciding to attend last week's water training.  My soul needed it, and my heart knew it too. ☺I think the hard training was the reason why I had vertigo, and why I had my current flu.  After training, I had dinner with my paddle sisters, I was damp and feeling cold and did not shower. I opted to rinse off at home.  Aside from the transitioning of the weather (numerous sandstorms this week too), I think that was the reason why I caught a bad cold.  
• Speaking of weather change, I am thankful for the not so hot air.  I tried running, Friday last week, and I found it delightful! Minus all the heaviness of my weight though. haha! I need to get back to running, because my teammates and I are joining another run come this November.  Thank God for giving me people who are into fitness!  
• For Ww... who's got my back no matter how stubborn I am sometimes.  For reminding me that all is fair in love. For her analogy of my situation, being compared to a last minute basketball game. That was hilarious! Food for thought, just the same.  For her found love, making her feel all the warm fuzzies.  💜
• For my colleagues... for always working as a team.  No competition, just helping each other survive one duty after another. I love them to bits.  I miss those who left, but it all the more made me appreciate the ones who are still with me.  
• For my paddle sisters.  I never expected I would be bonding with them the way I am bonding with them now.  They are kind enough to always include me in their plans. Maybe because they know I am always by myself? haha!
• For my family and few true friends who make me feel loved.  I may stumble and make mistakes again and again, but their love would always keep healing me.  Enough for me to keep choosing to live one more day.

Thank You God for Your saving grace.  Please forgive me for the times that I forget to be thankful.  During one of my most trying times, You made it clear to me that I should stop asking why... I just need to begin again.  Thank You for teaching me to give closure to myself.  Knowing that I did not need it coming from anyone else but You, my heart is satisfied.  Again, thank You for always giving the people that I need.  They may come as someone who gives me pain, but You know better, I need to feel pain too.  It is through all my pain that I am pushed to try to be kind.  Thank You for always humbling me.  Thank You for always holding my hand.  Even now, that I am in the brink of giving up, I can feel Your grasp, reminding me to hold on.  I trust you Lord.  Time and time again, You have shown Your faithfulness, so I will let go if it is Your will for me to let go... again.  What is for me, will never miss me, no matter how life keeps getting in the way.  I have my faith in that.  Your love alone suffices. 

"When the oceans rise, and thunders roar, 

I will soar with You above the storm. 

Father You are King over the flood, 

I will be still, know You are God. "

-Still, Hillsong