A little too late

Just this afternoon, I was engaged in a petty heated argument... because of a certain question that I did admittedly did not fully understand.  The conversation ended with me feeling sad.  Maybe it was because of the way things abruptly ended.  Like I was waiting to hear something more reassuring but all I got was anger and a cold shoulder.  I felt like I deserved the short attention only because it needed to be reiterated to me that I was wrong about something.

I was feeling downhearted... and then Pink's "True Love" started playing on the radio.  As in it played probably less than ten seconds after the conversation was cut.  I listened to the lyrics...

Sometimes I hate every single stupid word you say
Sometimes I wanna slap you in your whole face
There's no one quite like you
You push all  my buttons down
I know life would suck without you

At the same time, I wanna hug you
I wanna wrap my hands around your neck
You're an asshole but I love you
And you make me so mad I ask myself
Why I'm still here, or where could I go
You're the only love I've ever known
But I hate you, I really hate you
So much, I think it must be...

True love...true love. It must be true love. Nothing else can break my heart like true love. It must be true love.  No one else can break my heart like you.

The moment the chorus ended, I laughed to myself and felt good.  Yeah right.  True love. I like the way the lyrics were so simple, and yet so honest.  Kind of hit me right through the gut.  It made me believe in all the good things that I have in my life.  I am in an imperfect relationship, but at least I have someone to love.

The day progressed and all my positive thoughts were rewarded with silence.  That tugging ache started to come back again.  I tried to ignore it the best way I could.  Told myself off for being the paranoid fool I've always known to be... Hours passed...

...and then this moment...of feeling a little less loved...

When I let the butterfly fly away. :'(  I see it leaving, and I just let it leave.  No use in holding it back. :'(

Thank you Pink... but unfortunately, my life right now will not be as chaotic and happy as your song.  Tonight, I would have to deal with just a chaotic one... and all the silence.

Maybe it's time to accept defeat... maybe sometimes, giving your best and doing your best just really won't cut it... because it's not meant to be.

Stress Tower

I officially started my candy crush hiatus today, though it technically started yesterday.  I decided to do so because I just want to be really focused on a goal that is taking so long for me to achieve!

SIGH... no scale could measure the value of my anxiety level right now.  I am worse than ever!  I'm in the verge of being in the state of major depression because I am just so anxious! My worries are building up so high, it could probably create the highest tower of stress in the whole world!

I am getting depressed because I have no idea where I am headed, plus some other things concerning future plans. :'(

What would you do if you suddenly realized that being with you is not a priority... just a plan, but not something to prioritize?...

Everything in my life right now is so unbalanced.  I am surprised that I am able to keep my sanity up until this moment.

The way I feel right now is exactly the way I felt more than a decade ago when the word "complicated" ruined my whole world.

I have no other desire but to find a way to demolish all of my troubles.  Maybe start rewriting my life... start accepting that more often, life does not go the way you want and planned it.  Be in touch with the truth that expectations will just lead me to more ache and destruction.

SIGH...