Of kindness and regrets

I took a photo of our table in Cafe Mary Grace, sometime in December of 2017. 

"When I remember people who hurt me, this piece of thought always gives me comfort.  Just a little reminder that I should not regret giving away sincere kindness even to those who did not deserve it." -said my 2018 self. 

I kept this photo in my gallery, because it always consoles me, every time I find myself wasting my act of goodwill on someone.  Today, I needed to have a look at it again.  

I am not saying outright that I am a kind person, but I try my best to be.  God has been very consistent in giving me the people that I need.  One friend I met here in UAE, is a testament of that.  She's the one who helped me overcome my annoyance towards harmless things.  Over the years, being her friend led me to discover how being kind, is good for my heart.   Also, having been changed by the events of the past year, I couldn't care less anymore, if some would just take my kindness, as weakness. 

The point of this post? 

I am trying to be kind to myself too. Every time I make a mistake, the one who beats me up hard the most, is myself.  

I have been naive, for thinking, somehow, a certain someone would think, the way I think... would feel, the way I feel... would believe, in what I believe in.  I chose to ignore the warnings my friends gave me, but now I know better.  Let this be a great lesson for me. 

I remember what Mom used to say to me... " Hindi bale kung hindi sila tunay na mabait sayo, basta ikaw, alam mong naging mabait ka sa kanila. Hindi bale, kung hindi talaga sila nangangailangan, basta ikaw tumulong ng walang pagaalinlangan. Wala kang pagsisihan pagdating sa huli." 

How right my Mom was.  

 

Sugat na hindi naghihilom

Ano nga ba ang nararapat gawin? 

Lumalalim na ang gabi, 

ngunit hindi mapigilan ang paguusisa sa sarili. 

Tila hindi na matatapos itong panaghoy na dulot mo. 

Kailan natin tatanggapin ang wakas? 

Aantayin bang maubos lahat ng ating lakas?

Marahil ay tunay na hibang...

matiwasay ang puso, 

sa bawat harok mong mapayapa rin. 

Hindi ka nga ba manghihinawa? 

Sa kasalukuyan nating kinatatayuan, 

na tayong dalawa rin ang may sala?

Kailan ka ba susuko? 

Kapag ba nalaman mong wala nang atrasan ang lahat ng ito? 

Hindi kailan man, 

na magagawa kong kunin ang ngayon mo lamang natagpuan. 

Ilang beses ba kita kailangan pakawalan? 

Hindi na mabilang ang pagpapalaya sa iyo, 

ng buong puso, walang halong hinanakit at panibugho. 

Saan ka kumukuha ng puwersa, 

at patuloy ka sa pagtangnan?

Hindi mo pa rin ba nakikita? 

Ikaw din ay lubusang nasasaktan na. 

Hindi maitatago ng kahit anong masayang awitin, 

ang tunay na sigaw ng mga damdamin...

Hanggang kailan ba natin ito kakayanin?

Paulit ulit nang tinatamaan, 

nababalatan, 

nagdurugo,

ang pinsalang hatid ay walang ganap,

mga luha ay hindi nauubos.

Tayong dalawa...

ay tulad ng isang sugat na walang lunas. 

Easy

I can't even begin to tell what took place the last few days.  

Truly, there are just days when life throws you curveballs. CURVEBALLS. Plural. Why did it have to be so many mishaps at the same time? Why, oh why, is adulting tremendously hard sometimes? 

It was too overwhelming for me.  I think I was well on my way to having a mental breakdown.  The situation at work is driving me nuts!  There were just too many bad news coming, one after another.  I struggled to hold myself together. 

One of my bestfriends reminded me, that it's okay to give in to my emotions once in a while. That I don't need to try so hard to be tough. 

That gave me an astonishing peace and calm.  

:Easy-han lang natin. Kalma lang.:

One of my co-paddlers from my former team would always tell me that. She's right.  I should take it easy.  Whatever will be, will be.  I need not try so hard. 

"You are excellent Krishna, and you don't need anyone to tell you that." Quoting my beloved doctor, who always have good things to say about me.  I am deeply touched by how she appreciates the way I work. What she said is an affirmation that I don't suck at my job.  

 

Reiterating to myself: don't try so hard Krish. Take it easy. Just do you. Life gets surprising the more you keep it simple.  Refrain from overthinking, express yourself more unambiguously (practicing with this one, because apparently, people find me hard to read!) , laugh more often, and care less for people who wishes ill things for you! It will all the more infuriate them to see you happy, despite the problems they stirred for you.  

:Stars don't try to shine, they just do.: 

Need I say more? 😉