letting go

Hay... kaya ko pa naman...

I'm still hanging on, and I can see the light, little by little.

I'm learning how to close all my doors, and I am starting to finally turn my back.

I STILL RECALL THE WORDS YOU SAID TO ME...

"I'm not going to hurt you this time... This time, I will be more serious. Hindi ko sasayangin ang chance...Wag kang mawawala..."

IT'S WHAT YOU DID NOT SAY THAT SETS ME FREE...

"...hindi ko alam... ang alam ko hindi pa tayo nakasira na 'ko ng pangako..."

Conversations...

...just letting it slip by my head probably for the last time. Let's just say this is my way of really saying goodbye. It's best doing things the way I see fit.

The week had been really stressful. Aside from the fact that we had duties after lecture, I had to deal with something that really tried my patience... fiercely taught my eyes how to not cry and see... and bitterly taught my heart how to feel nothing.

The sleepless nights I spent during our sem-break?... I made up for it by sleeping my nights away. I slept, and slept, and slept. I slept early and woke up late. Hehe, I'd like to think I slept all my frustrations away.

SIGH... yeah, weary I am. Last night, I was to study for our maternal and child nursing comprehensive exam but I slept right after I ate dinner. I was just really tired. Lately, sleep had been my only relief to life's pain.

I wasn't able to study. I slept on. I woke up early at dawn... and looked up the stars instead. They were shining bright, and it's been ages since I last saw them here at the Bonifacio sky. I missed them badly... then, something hit me.

AND I WON'T LOOK BACK, AND I WON'T REGRET... SOMEDAY I WILL FORGET.

I went to the kitchen and prepared the things I needed. Got that thing which had been lying around for nothing...

THIS IS LETTING GO... THIS IS LETTING GO...

candles and matches...

and along with my deep sighs, and together with the endless twinkling of the stars...

I silently watched the smoke fly away from where it came from. The flames subtly consumed the thing... and I watched and felt him melt away.

THIS IS LETTING GO . THIS IS LETTING GO.

Yeah. It felt good.

*song of the moment: letting go by Sozzi... super nakakarelate sa lyrics...*

slaps and blows

the blows keep on coming...

If this aren't clear signs, then I don't know what they are.

Yeah... I asked for it, and I got it.

Thank You's:

1. Thank God for letting me see the signs.
2. Thank God I felt the blows and slaps.
3. Thank God for letting me see the light.
4. Thank God I still have my heart with me.
5. Thank God I can still forgive.
6. Thank God I still have the courage to stand up again after tripping over.
7. Thank God for trying to heal my soul that just nearly died of humiliation.
8. Thank God I have friends to share my laughter and frustrations with.
9. Thank God for not making me fall so deep.
10. Thank God I still find reasons to be greatful and gracious when I have all the right to be bitter.

This is me... really getting tired, but trying to get on my feet after a disheartening fall.

Soon, I'll find, that everything that happened has a magical reason.

I'm keeping my faith...

That I will once again achieve that magical feeling... after I find out why he isn't meant for me.

string of words

just a phase... that will probably never end... it's always like this... never had the skill to make it through the bend...

i grasp what is left... nothing there but the things i can no longer hide... what wounds are there, with unknown depths... and the worsening misery inside...

undaunted...yet helpless...

courageous... but weary...

trying to be real... but being pretentious...

what is there left that is real?

pinakamalaking pagsubok sa buhay ko

pinakamahirap para sa kin?

tanggapin ang katotohanang nahuhulog na nga ako...

na kahit anong gawin ko para mamuhay ng kontento, meron pa ring darating para guluhin hindi lamang ang isip ko kundi pati na rin ang puso ko.

na kahit lahat ginawa ko na para manalo sa mga giyerang nilalabanan ko, paminsan kailangan kong tumanggap ng pagkatalo.

na kahit sabihin kong wala nararamdaman ko namang meron.

na kahit sabihin ko ayos lang naman talaga ko at pabayaan na lang ng iba, e kabaligtaran naman talaga ang gusto ko sabihin...

mahirap talaga...

pati nga pagsulat nito mahirap din.

wake up call

It's really getting late, but I have to do this very very quick blogging...

I am thankful for all the times that I realize my mistakes, and I am thankful for the strength to stand up where I tripped over.

I am letting go.
Seriously.
I am closing my doors for good.
The number of times He told me, "My dear, he isn't the one"....
the number of times I tried to refute what He had been telling me.
The number of times I cried after realizing that He's always right.

Forgive me once again Lord... I long to be held in Your arms. Embrace mo once again and make me feel Your overwhelming love that I desperately need...

I know that it's only You that can set me free.

fading pieces of me

I noticed that's it's been more than two months since I last went home to Muntinlupa... It's been ages since I last visited any part of Laguna... I can't recall the last time I was really eager to be home to be one with whatever atmosphere I had been used to at home...

SIGH... I just realized that I am not the same person I used to be.

I feel like everyday that goes by, I keep forgetting who I am...

The start of the semester had been a bizzare one. Fresh from summer break, I wasn't really sure if I had been heart broken or not. I left everything to chance not knowing what would come.

Almost two months had passed since the semester started.

Unlike before, I take the time to bond with my classmates. Gone are the days when my favorite place on earth was the hammock by our close to dying garden in Muntinlupa.Gone are the days when I was always eager to go home the minute class is dismissed... Tambay moments? I never thought I would see myself having tambay moments with my youthful friends who enjoy their time doing anything and nothing.



Honestly, I feel blessed that I have been given days when I worried about nothing and just laughed like crazy...like tomorrow's never gonna come. I also have new found friends... well, just one, now that I think of it, but still, I feel more attatched to my classmates now than before.



I didn't know there were so many things to enjoy in life. Hahahaha! Sobrang manang ko talaga before, ang dami ko talagang namiss! I am trying to make up for it now by trying out a whole lot of new things.



SIGH... it all feels so surreal... I am actually enjoying my new life. I didn't know I had such a fun-loving side of me. I'd like to think, or so I have realized, that I might not be that boring at all. Hehe... I have learned a lot... not lessons about our nursing subjects... but simply lessons about life that I wasn't able to grasp before. I feel so renewed. I can feel the change deep within me. I am now optimistic, my foolish anxities had lessen, and I feel contented with my life.



I should be happy right? So why am I sensing this lurking gloom somewhere in the recesses of my...what?heart?soul? SIGH... I am not really certain where that gloomy feeling is emanating from. I just feel it.



It's just that... I feel, that everyday that goes by that I allow myself to grow and change... everytime that I get older... I can't help but leave pieces of me behind.



I don't know myself anymore. Looking at myself now, I could see the benefits that the change in me had done, but I could also see the harm it inflicted upon me.



I miss the In-in that I am with ComLec. I miss being Krish with T.A. and I miss being...sigh... I miss being the old writing, crying and singing me.



Maybe I just need to go back home... go back to our real home. Just to remind me of who I really am. I need to see ComLec, I feel the need to serve because I had long forgotten the feeling that I am blessed to have the privilege to do so, and I need to go see T.A. and fool around with them.



Hahaha... or maybe I'm just scared that I'm moving on too fast. I don't wanna leave the people who are dearest to me behind. I don't wanna forget how I used to be, because I think I had like what and who I was... although I'm only realizing it now...



SIGH... again!hehehe...



And him? He made me realize there is more to me than being so idealistic and choosy and serious. Maybe he had to be in my life so that I could realize that I need to take a break, have fun and enjoy my time... I know nothing will come to be. Just like when the sem started, I am still letting things happen...



Just don't wanna wake up one day feeling empty because I left all the pieces of the old me behind... I fear that if I start to embrace the new me, I would start to hurt all over again.

*You are my sweetest downfall...*

terms of endearment

Sigh... ( I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad sigh)...

Okay... because I'd like to think I still have some traces of that bright and shiny spirit, I think that sigh will be... a good sigh. HAY!

It must be the rain... the rain used to make me feel melancholic and in some ways more than one, makes me cathartic. Amidst the feeling of merriment, I can feel this tinge of sadness brought about by who knows what... (reminder: I am happy and I should not dwell on foolish anxieties). Yeah... I'm allowing myself to think of this unidentified feeling for only an hour and I promise not to think of it again. I am happy...don't wanna worry my life away.

It's just that...things are getting crazier. Much as I try not to be amused, the more I get enticed. Hay! You know what sucks? It sucks to find out that I have this little side of me that wants to play around. Hmm...play around? Or is it play safe? It's just like what I reason out to my friends each and everytime... I just don't wanna get frustrated again. I am contradicting myself by saying I don't wanna play around and yet, I am placing myself in a situation that is more complicated than ever... My situation is bordering in a pseudorelationship much to my dismay. Okay, so not really that pseudo-pseudo relationship... arghh! I can't explain what it is!...what we are... All I can say is that I am enjoying things as they are and I am right about scared to take the next step. (there... can't believe this... I admitted my real feelings for two entries in a row now, wah! I am really changing!)

Why the hell am I planning to keep this bottle of (not so unique beverage) with me? Ahahaha! This day had been a blast. My tummy ached like hell, and by the end of the day, I was in the verge of puking. The rain made things even more nostalgic... I can clearly remember the running hours... the pink clothes, the cold room, the certificates, the jacket I borrowed, the warmth... and the terms of endearment? (would it qualify as that?!)

SIGH... I wonder how long I will be able to take this...

What do you think? Was it a good or bad sigh?

...I'm giving myself just an hour, nothing more and nothing less.

pseudorelationship?

I've never been the one to fool around, especially when it comes to a relationship...or love for that matter. I'd like to think my time is too precious to be wasted on games that aren't worth the pain.

I had a realization two weeks ago... I have been making myself suffer because of so many foolish anxieties that's why I feel miserable most of the time. Thanks to wonderwall and yogi bear, I had realized how blessed I am, and how my life means something more than what I'd like to think of it.

I feel like I'm Meredith Grey... in the sense that I am bright and shiny like her. Two weeks ago, after that sentimental moment by the hammock, I promised myself that I would choose to be happy no matter what happens. Yeah... it never really hurt to look at the brighter side of things and I am trying my best to do just that. I found out that being optimistic (and bright and shiny like Meredith) makes everything in life funny and bearable. I had a great time laughing my troubles off...as in sincerely laughing about it. For once in my life, I can attest that I had really felt cheerful. I am happy...because it had been my choice to be happy.

Let go and let God... I am so overwhelmed by His unconditional love. All the hurts I had felt during the summer had suddenly disappeared. I realized that I've got no reason to be sad and that if some things aren't meant to be, I just have to accept that.

Such is the case with him...that dying flicker of him. The last of the embers had been put out and I couldn't ask for anything more. I am contented with the fact that we can talk to each other again, give each other high fives, and make faces at each other like nothing awkward really happened between us. Not even once did we talk about what transpired over the summer. We never talked about our feelings, and I accepted our renewed friendship whole heartedly.

I am guilty that I might have been too friendly lately... that I have made him feel that I am okay with whatever he's good doing at. Maybe I have been riding along too much that even though we don't talk much about our feelings, he had the impression that we still have this understanding.

Bright and shiny Krish is being put to the test. I honestly enjoyed my day spending most of the time with him. He has this arrogant stance that makes me feel majestic in a number of wordless ways... and he surprises me each time. He's snobbish and sweet...just the way I like. I don't know if I should let myself feel him... coz I'd like to think I learned my lesson and that he just isn't the one... but I had fun...and I was happy (so damn hard to be honest to myself...no time for denial now, I am too happy).

Should I stop being too friendly?Or should I go on lavishing the happy feeling? I honestly don't want him to think I'd want things to turn back 'round, because I've already accepted the fact that it's close to impossible... but he isn't doing anything anyway, so I'd like to think I am not fooling around. I am definitely not playing around, I've never been the type to do that...

Sigh... whatever... I am just letting things happen.

It's just really weird... to realize I have felt the warmth, when I should've felt the cold...

No fooling around, promise.

patching things up

The first two weeks of school had been so stressful. Aside from ranting over our disorganized schedules, I had to pretend I was perfectly comfortable with the environment...(people and place alike).

Whatever had gone during the summer, I am so willing to leave behind. Knowing that I've got this unsettled feeling with me everywhere I go doesn' t really help. I can laugh about it, but after the laughter, the uneasy feeling doubles up. I have got to do something.

SIGH... this is worth a big sigh...

We aren't exactly friends as I would have hoped, but at least I don't feel any bitterness anymore. Come on, things had been so sudden, and it was good that I used my head and didn't invest too much emotions... it was something that I can whole heartedly brush aside.

I realized why a certain person had to become a part of my life... He may not know it but he saved me from a lot of unnecessary heartaches just by being the insistent person that he is. I guess God gave him to me as a friend so I can patch things up in a not so stressful way. Thank you Edlord...( I said I will not write names anymore, pero he deserves it... kung di dahil sa walang kahiyaan niya,malamang, nahihirapan pa rin ako). God always gives me the people I need. Mahal talaga ako ni Lord!

Sigh...I had a senti moment by the hammock tonight. After a very long time, I was finally able to cry out my hurts again... as in my old way of crying, that peaceful and effortless pouring of tears... Lately kase, nahirapan akong umiyak...kaya hindi ako nagiging okay dahil hindi ko maiyak mga hurts ko masyado. I had become stone hearted and I really didn't like the way it made me feel. So there... the hours I spent by the hammock were the most peaceful hours I had so far for the last two months.

I talked to God the way I talk to Him before. I missed that...having a sentimental moment with Him. I cried out my hurts... the way I think that He's being unfair, and all my lamentations about my not so pleasant life. I couldn't see the stars because the hammock was hanging between two small trees, and my view was covered with just leaves and branches...but the wind was so soothing, not too cold and not too humid. It was good enough. It had been a good cry, and it really gave me relief.

My request had been granted just tonight...just moments before I started adding an entry here on my blog. I couldn't have been more relieved, now I can sleep perhaps a little more peaceful. At least one of my constant worries had been resolved.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow. All I know is that, I'm glad I had the courage to even try to patch things up... Would it be conceited of me to think that I am learning from my mistakes and I am becoming a strong and rational person because of it?... Sigh... hehe, I'm just proud of myself for not being pathetic, that's all.

Lord, sobrang namiss ko Kayo... be with me again tomorrow, and for the rest of my days. =)

coming home

It's like the old times... I'm here at our real home in Muntinlupa and I am savoring the comfort it never lost.

I arrived here yesterday with mom and my sister Gel-gel. My mom and I went out. Her cellphone ran out of batteries hours after we arrived at the mall and she had to ask me to put her sim card in my cell phone because she needed to reply to an important text message.

I was so reluctant to grant her the favor. I quickly thought of all the registered calls in there that I have carefully not deleted. Missed calls, dialled numbers, and received calls most especially. Being the sentimental person that I am, I take pleasure in seeing the names of the special people in my life in my registered calls. It's my way of making myself feel good... that at one point in their busy lives, those special people called me, thought of me, and conversed with me despite the damage it would have done to their cellphone's load and phone bills.

As it was inevitable, I had to do what is right to do. I did what mom wants, and I didn't have time to take one last look at my dear registered calls. In a few seconds, they were gone from my phone's memory.

I went home not knowing how I feel about it. I was thinking about the one last call he made, and the call the other he made, and the last call made by him(Ahehe... daming him! manghula ka!) and the missed call made by another him(wahahaha!). They are now gone from my list. I think I felt a twinge of regret and a little bit of helplessness. I couldn't bring the list back.

Then I remembered... I'm in a letting go phase again and what had happened was the thing that I exactly needed. Fate was telling me to start on a clean slate, literally!

It was all good. I have to keep on saying this to myself. It was all for the best.

The flickering him struck again. He once again proved what an arrogant coward he is...sorry for the insult. I really had a feeling it will all end to this and it did.

So what had happened... it was all for the best. I had to be okay about it because I have to be. He isn't worth anything at all. I'm probably saying this now because I am upset, well...I have every right to be. This is my life and I am free to choose the way I want to make it right.

It's really time to leave things in the dark. This time I have to mean what I say... and I mean it. I mean it this time with all my heart. I could not wait to leave everything behind and now I'm glad I found the strength to actually fulfill it.

It was stupid of me to think at one point that there might be something to consider... because clearly, there wasn't any. That's probably it. The signs perfectly fit.

I'd like to think that this thingy with flickering him that transpired will make me a better person. I am glad I am home. I can once again re-evaluate my feelings and lash out my hurts silently the way I used to do. I am accepting my status... that I am one bitter, man-hating-fool... I just need to let this phase pass, and when I finally become alright, I know I'll forget that I ever felt this way.

when boredom equates to death

What had been so great about this summer?...

Aside from being bored to death, I realized that jogging is indeed a good exercise, and I got to experience pulling weeds (reeds and relatives of dandelions for that matter) from our lawn's bermuda grass.

Don't get me wrong... I don't wanna pull out weeds for the rest of my life. I got calluses in my hands because the weeds weren't that easy to take out of the damned soil. Take one weed for example. It's smaller than a certain tree's sapling, just a three-leafed tiny stem on the surface, but when I try to pull it out, it won't budge. I hold on tightly... and I pull as hard as I could. Beads of sweat will start to form on my forehead. My breathing gets tight, my stomach muscles crunch (good exercise too!) and my throat tightens too. When I finally pull out the wicked weed, its root which is more than five inches long would appear in front of me. Such a long root for one small weed. I won't even manage to pull out the whole of its length.

Sometimes, the roots that I would unearth would really surprise me. They come out intertwined with the other roots of the weeds in the grass. Sometimes, the main roots of the weeds I pull would come from a different and far spot from where the weed was originally planted.

I must say, pulling out weeds killed my time in the morning and it did amuse me. The intertwining roots, the pretty, green leaves, the moist soil and the wet smell of it... When I get tired, I'd look at the bunch of weeds I managed to pull out. They'd be in great heaps, but when I look at the whole lawn, there would still be lots of patches of weeds left for me to pull out. They never seem to run out.

Then it just hit me... these weeds I try to pull out... they're like my sins. They're like my obsession and addiction to not so important things. They're like senseless reasons and philosophies in life that are planted deep within me. No matter how hard I pull, though they get out of my system, let's say, as often as I pull out the weeds in our lawn, they never totally die because I can never pull out the roots right down to its very tip (or shall I say apex?gosh! I should've really paid more attention to our Botany class way back when I was still taking up Biology). They keep on growing back... again and again.

Self-pity, selfishness, impatience,hatred,envy,greed(paminsan lang pero kahit na, hindi pa rin justifiable),gluttony,laziness,pride, and perhaps infatuation.

They're my weeds that I can't eradicate out of my system.

I look at my callused hands again. Before they became calluses they had been blisters.

I just realized that I am like the grass. I have patches of unwanted weeds growing all over me... and God is my gardener. He tries to pull out my weeds everyday of my life. His hands will probably never run out of blisters. Unlike me, He will never tire of pulling out my weeds just as He proved always that He never ceases to forgive me from my sins. I am humbled that He tends to me that much.

Wow... I am dead serious. It's amazing how enlightenment came over me just because of pulling out weeds from the grass.

SIGH... the real thing is... that him... I mean he... that him which involved a flicker of that, which died (sorry, no details kaya magulo...hehe, let me be!)... I think he's starting to be my weed too. If this goes on I may not know how to pull it out of me. Can weeds be good in some ways?Is there such a thing as a good weed?

I am confused... and really scared.

I need my gardener now. I need Him to help me pull out my weeds. If that weed which is him stays there, then maybe I'll take it as a sign that there might be really something to consider.

Again...what had been so great about this summer?

I learned that I could confuse myself more than anyone could... and it's good in a way because I get to use my brain. It's not so good because I am creating unneccessary stress.

SIGH...times like this... I call it moments of boredom equating to death.

namimiss kita pag summer break: for mcflirt...

Sigh...

I had written something about a dying flicker of that...

It stopped dying. Now, it's really dead.

And I'm here, telling myself I am just alright... but he's right. It's my head talking and not my heart.

Just don't wanna force myself into thinking too much. It just would not be fair.

SIGH...again... hahahaha!

I love messing things up. Maybe I'm too used to messing things up that's why when fate favors me one time and gives me the chance to make things right, I end up making it wrong.

He's probably right again. Maybe I haven't really moved on like what I believe...

Reasons?

Well... I moved on in the sense that I've forgiven him and that I've accepted we're not meant to be...

...but maybe...just maybe... I never forgot how hurt I've been and I'm scared, still scared that it might happen again. I moved on, forgetting the person, but I'm still living with the pain.

You realize these are all maybe's...

He's right... I should just let things happen... and I have to keep in mind what wonderwall always tell me: don't invest too much emotions.

Sigh... it's nothing really...

I had been selfish...maybe...

...and I miss him...maybe I miss him... I think I'm feeling that I'm missing him.

...it's really weird.

No more details diba? manghula ka kung sino mga him!hahaha!hay...

pure feelings

I am back to where I was before. A little stronger and decisive but perhaps more lonelier than I've ever been.

Loneliness?...it isn't such a threat anymore. Emptiness and I have become one. I've learned to live with it with my whole life, I've blended well with what is here and what is gone.

The only way he could have hurt me is if I give him the right. No rights were rendered, I gave him nothing to claim... It is the same for me... I have no joy, likewise any sorrow to gain.

Perhaps he never knew who he really was dealing with.

I am changing to a person I have never been before... the girl I was and had been, with or without him. He was so unfortunate for bumping into me during this unexpected transition.

Hahahaha...

No hurts my friend...just plain disbelief and amusement.

All that came to be?... just tells me... he is not the right one for me.

Pure feelings... no more details.

words and meanings

Courting... according to the dictionary, it means to seek the affection of... (I don't have to write all of it down)...

Loneliness...The condition of being lonely; solitude; seclusion

Attraction...the quality of arousing interest; being attractive or something that attracts
******************************************************************************
Words and meanings

the dictionary says what these words mean... and still I'm here, baffled and wondering...

Here I am trying to hold everything in.
Saying that I'm confused would be the greatest understatement of all.
I wanna hide, but there's nowhere to go.
I am scared of what lies ahead...
of what my tomorrow will become, I need not know...

Feelings, only I can understand...
will probably be forgotten in the dark,
Why stop myself from flying high?
I just do not want to lose my heart.

So here I am...
just trying to ride with the flow...
Is he worthy enough?
Only time will let me know.

I am used to my loneliness
and maybe it's something he'll never understand...
I have to stop finding words and their meanings,
and let go of these feelings while I still can.

I do not love you_Pablo Neruda

I do not love you... by Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

that this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

wag ako?!

"I finally find you and I collide..." (this is my song of the moment: Collide by Howie Day)

I mean literally...

When was it that I last felt this way? Last sem? That was more of a superficial infatuation that ended as soon as it happened.

Now? I do not like to think of what might be happening with me again. I just wish I am that numb girl I was way back in high school. I feel the need to complicate my life when I could live it in the simplest possible way I can.

What's the reason behind writing this non-directional entry?

I don't know...my mind is as blank as my heart.

I tried updating my diary last night and all I did was stare at the pages. I owe my diary tons of stories about what's happening with my not so good life, and last night, I finally had all the time and I wasted it because I just stared... hahaha!stared at the clock ticking...stared at the dining table with its glistening thai silk cover, stared at the screener up in the ceiling that screeched like crazy, stared at the dark kitchen, stared at my pen... I just stared and stared. I wasn't even thinking!

Or maybe I was thinking too much that I don't remember what I was really thinking of.

Then suddenly, at 1:35 am, I picked up my pen and started scribbling away.

I wrote a poem about him again.

Not as interesting as "Kalabaw ng Buwan"... but I wrote what I really felt.

When was the last time I felt this way? How do I know that I like this guy a lot?

SIGH... this morning I found out... and staring for hours around the house had helped me clear my mind.

I start to really like someone when I start writing poems about him.

And he and I literally collide...hahaha!

Uh-oh... I'm in deep trouble again.

Wish I could be a bird so I can fly, fly, fly away.

mean it when you say it...

"Men are monsters"...

I say that all the time.

Why?

Because they are!

Sigh...they just are.

The one time you think they are not, they end up being monsters just the same.

Sigh... (and it's that not so good sigh again).

SIGH... SIGH... SIGH...

Hahahahaha!

Here's the thing... I never learn. I say men are monsters and I don't take the meaning by heart.

They are monsters... should I befriend monsters? Should monsters be trusted? Should monsters even be cared for?

... I am at lost for words...what's the best thing to say when you don't exactly know if you're angry, frustrated or relieved at the same time?

One more time... I say men are monsters... I don't take the meaning by heart.

Why do I always listen to the nicer side of me? Why do I give in to that little voice inside of me saying, somewhere, somehow, I still got faith in men?!

I could have sworn he was different... or maybe I am just so impatient...

SIGH...

...and I couldn't even look at the stars anymore. I'm too busy to even whisper my hurts to the stars. I miss the night skies and the serenity they make me feel.

I don't take the meaning of the things I say by heart...

Just like when I said I'd have to take things lightly and not invest too much emotions...just like when I said I have to stop the feeling, turn around and walk away...

Just like when I promised I will say goodbye before he even says hello...

Hahaha...

Just like him when he says things that I believe in...

MEAN WHAT YOU SAY MAN...then I could sleep peacefully tonight.

I don't play games...and I don't fool around.

mr.dream boy

Year 2003...

I remember wearing my shocking pink, hello kitty blouse that my besf friend from high school gave me. I was lost in thoughts. The jeepney I was riding in was being filled with passengers at the side of the Humanities building of UPLB.

Helen Almendrala (a classmate from comm I class,if i'm not mistaken), hopped in while I was busy amusing myself, watching students scram all over the humanities steps. She was on her way home just like I was.

That one particular ride came back flashing in my mind this early morning of January 23rd. Helen was a jovial and perky person. We talked about so many things on that coincidental ride. How eating apples only during lunch time can make you thin, how bernard, alex, and the rest of our common acquaintances were before, and how literally loud wishful thinkings come true.

Loud wishful thinkings...

I have been doing a lot of that lately. It's not because I want everybody to hear my desires. It's not because I am desperate... It's probably because I didn't take it as a serious thing. That what I was thinking loudly was just a silly dream.

Helen was right. Loud wishful thinkings can come true sometimes.

The craziest thing happened to me. It's something I cannot share right now. All I can say is that I am silently happy that my loud wishful thinking came true. Shallow or not, pointless or significant... I am happy I got to know what it feels like.

They say good things come to those who wait. I lost my faith in that saying ages ago when I waited for all the wrong reasons...

My loud wishful thinking that came true...well, it finally explained why I had to be wrong. It gave me good reasons to believe why all the hurts I got through were all for the best.

I am happy. Silently...like floating in the clouds happy..