Reasons in my sighing world

"heart of mine, how will you keep from dying, stop reminiscing...heart of mine,someday you'll find another, no one can mend you now..."
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Sigh...welcome to my sighing world!
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Reasons

I woke up this morning looking for reasons for me to write...
but I lost my reasons a long time ago.
The morning broke away
and I am feeling emptier than ever.
Empty?
How long have I felt this way?
Long enough...
long enough for me to know
I'm in for a game of chance.

Everything is so crazy now...
I thought I was ready to sail
I was ready to make it
or break it
to win it
or lose it.

How can things go right?
I'm tired of crying each and every night.
The tears I shed
silent, subtle and loud
were bitter tears.
How can I live again?
I've been feeling dead for so long.
How can things go right?
How can my life go right?

I lost my reasons a long time ago.
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Wala lang, feel ko lang magdrama this Saturday morning. I feel so empty... Lord please take the emptiness away.

The prayer meeting last night was overwhelming. It was good that I was touched again by the Holy Spirit and that I was filled with God's love. I need His love so much, I know I won't be needing anybody else's love other than His. "... I could sing of His love forever... nothing compares to the promise I have in Him..." I attended the prayer meeting alone, it was cool. I get to emote all by myself. I could fully relate to the song "You made me live again". When will my heart stop from breaking?

Sigh... my life is just so senseless right now. How can things ever go right? I lost my reasons, I don't know what I'm looking for. The week passed by quickly. I wasn't looking forward for anything. Midterm last week was a disaster, I already got the results of some of my subjects. I did good... Three more painful subjects to go... I'm not expecting to pass in Health Economics, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Sigh... I didn't know the weekend would be so hard for me to go through. I turned down invitations of badminton games for what? For a call (and text for that matter) that never came.

I was hurt, and I was tired of waiting. But then, I was still cool. Cool! What a great word!

Then Sunday came, and I was so anxious than ever. I waited, waited and waited, for something that never came. The people left me alone in the house. I was going crazy! I couldn't bear the hurt and loneliness anymore. All this waiting for nothing was driving me mad. I felt so unloved... the feeling was so strong. I know he doesn't love me as much anymore...look at how he leaves me hanging by the moment each time. Then suddenly... I just snapped. I was praying to God to give me the strength to give up everything now. I couldn't take the pain any longer, I felt so taken for granted.

I had a heavy day. I was crying the whole afternoon, and when my time for service came, my eyes were swelling.Cool! I was the saddest girl in the world, and I know the world doesn't care.

He called that night... and I was decided, if not totally ready, to break things off with him. I promised myself I wouldn't cry while I talk with him, but I did. I did, and it was shameful.

Our conversation ended with us still being the us. I wasn't ready to really let him go... and he did ask for a last chance. He said things that hurt me...I was right... his love for me was wavering. I wish I could've uttered the same words...but I know deep within me that it wasn't what I'm feeling...was feeling.

And now, I'm taking the chance again. I don't know if I made the right decision... forgive me Lord for being so weak. I still love him so much... I couldn't let him go.

Sigh... the week passed by quickly... (or have I written this line earlier?) And I tried my best to think of him less, keep myself busy with not so important things... but I am so weak. Thoughts of him have so much power over me. Hahahaha! I could laugh right now because I don't what to feel, and I don't know how to express my sadness except by letting my tears flow.

I'm really in for a game of chance that is not really so much of a game. My life is like a joke that seems true! Hahahaha! I don't know what I should do.

I wish things about us would fall into place soon... for the meantime I would indulge myself in prayer...and sigh, sigh and sigh, and sigh all over again.

love stories

I'm wasting my money by lingering in the computer shop an hour longer. I can't help myself... I'm so engrossed with the love stories written at peyups. It's been a long time since I last did this, reading love stories and stuffs associated with it. I'm afraid I would feel the unwanted hurt again when a story would be so much like mine.

I read almost every article and I had comments for each one I read. They hurt me big time still, but I guess the hurting would never stop. I need to let go, but it's so hard. I think I can never learn how.

I had a sentimental night, I don't know what came over me, but I thought about him again and I had another senseless, but good cry. I was holding back my tears while doing the laundry last night, and I was trying my best not to make sounds... I didn't want people to ask me what the problem was. I want to keep all my hurts to myself. Why do I love him so much? I really feel he doesn't love me as much as before... why am I still here waiting for him? Why am I torturing myself?... because I pathetically know that I would be hurt even more if I would let him go. I think I need more pillows to comfort me, I have eight pillows in my bed, plus three stuff toys for additional comfort. I hug each of them when I'm sad.

Anywayz, I woke up feeling better. I wrote about him and I placed it in my something-for-God-to-do box. I don't know if He would give me what I want, but I do know He'd give me what I need.

It was a peaceful morning for me. I pray that I could feel this way everyday. The traffic was light on my way to school, the aircon in the bus was bearable, and I wasn't late for class. I cought Jesher on line at yahoo messenger but we weren't able to chat because he's tired. Sigh... God granted me my prayer... I wasn't hurt that much. He allowed me to be numb for awhile.

And while all the articles I read in peyups make my heart break all over again, I'm still here thinking about him, without the slightest intention of letting him go. I don't wanna think of what might be if I do... because I'll never know.

labandera

All the pain and sorrow makes me wonder what's life for. And I begin to question, is this what I'm looking for? I just can't find the reason for all harsh realities, I need someone else to tell me why all this.

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Akalain mo, from the moment na makita ko yung labahan namin sa bahay ay naasar talaga ako kaya napaglaba tuloy ako! Hahaha! It's a miracle for a lazy girl like me.

Wala lang... at least konti na lang lalabhan ko tonight... thanks to ongkoy, may lalabhan pa akong pantalon. Walang awa! Buti na lang at naaawa ako sa kanya. I hope I thought of buying hand gloves though... nagkasugat tuloy kamay ko.

I panicked last night because I thought I lost my notebook in school because I couldn't find it in my bag. I was praying really hard, and I even wrote about it and placed it in my something-for-God-to-do box. I was at a great unease. Buti na lang, when I fixed my things this morning, I discovered my notebook was sandwiched between two thick handouts.Thank God! I was wishing myself lots of luck because I thought I lost my notes in Physics and also my registration form. God, You really answered my prayer last night... and things did fall into place. (God is good all the time!) I hope the rest of my day does too. But whatever will be, will be. Let Your will be done.

I miss Jesher, I keep wondering what he's doing. His status in ym is available as of the moment but he doesn't respond to my message. Sigh... guess he forgot to log out properly again...(as he always tells me). I'm just thinking... what will happen when two worlds meet? I had an answer to that before, and I wrote it in a piece of tissue paper, in purple ink, and I gave it to him. I got another question, how can our different two worlds meet now?

Why am I thinking of this stuff?

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I need You Lord just stay here by my side. I need Your love, I know I have no chance against all odds, I need You Lord for all the pains and sorrow now. There's no other love I think I'm sure about. I need You Lord...

not so happy new year

Happy new year! kahit na hindi masyadong happy! long time no write dito sa blog ko a...

Christmas vacation was super tiring. I thought I'd have lots of time for relaxing pero the nights (techinically mornings) ended with me feeling like sleep never came into my life. The caroling sessions were crazy! There were nights when we had lots of fun (sleigh bells ring...are you listenin'?in the lane snow is glistenin'...with matching "karakas" as kuya pando called it), there were nights with unforgettable bloopers (silent night... SILENT NAYYYYT!...thanks to the Barcelona sisters) and there were nights of pure insanity (thanks to meteorites! 'pag tumili ang isa titili ang lahat! boljak na boljak na kami kay poot number 1!). It wasn't so bad after all, and we collected an honorable amount of money and that's saying something. harhar!(napilitan lang magbigay mga peeps because they had no choice!) I did have fun at least, although I was bad trip on the last night. Things didn't go my way and I became the crybaby that I was. It was fun being a nervous wreck minutes before our service for the simbang gabi starts because we were always late because of the caroling(buti na lang po mabait ang pari). I had fun, really...but I was also tired to the max.

Christmas eve was frustrating... I really don't wanna talk about it. I don't wanna go into my shallow griefs again, and it definitely won't help make my day right. Sigh... let the past be the past. (as if! e bitter pa rin ako up to now!) Christmas day, I remember waking up late in the afternoon. We watched Mano Po 3 with our cousins, An had fans night (or so we call it) and I was glad she was there. We spent the time in Roxas after that and clicked the night away with flashing cameras. It seemed as if we'd never tire of creating kodaks and not so kodaks moments, haha!

Then came 27... my birthday didn't start right but it ended fine. ComLec was too kind to rent a videoke machine, and we sang the night away. "...when the light's out, it's less dangerous!..." I never had a concert like birthday in my whole life, and I'm glad I spent it with ComLec.

ComLec's christmas party was okay. We started out late as usual, I wasn't able to prepare for what to really wear but I lived(taray!) Second place kami sa presentation, not that bad, considering the mess we had to fix because the cd that we had to use won't play(pero wala pa ring tatalo sa divisoria....DIVISORIA!) harhar! I could only laugh. Nights like that, I thank You God for being alive.

New year was a sad one, I miss the rest of my family so much and my head was aching like crazy. I slept the night away and I woke up late. (ako ang hari ng sablay!... I stayed at the house while my sisters went out, and they woke earlier than I did). James called, only because I texted him... if I didn't maybe he wouldn't remember me at all. (You say I'm being bitter, I probably am! pero di masyado. =D ) At least he called diba?

Sunday was pera o kahon day! Papa bought me a boom box and I was so happy about it...para kong tanga. Papa was so kind. Thank You God for people like Papa (our grand dad)!

Then yesterday, classes resumed and I was so sleepy ever! I hope the day would end soon but the more I became impatient, the longer it got...(God really makes the rush hour longer everytime I become impatient). I wasn't able to eat dinner becauser I slept the early hours of the night away, and I didn't wake up until this morning(at late pa ko for school!). Kulit ko talaga.

I'm looking forward to face the week courageously. Thank You Lord for another year for me and for everybody.

I'd like to lift up my dear friend's mom who is sick right now. With Your mercy and grace, may she fully recover. And I also like to pray for my friend. That he may find comfort in Your overflowing love always.