Everything counts

BIG PAUSE. 

That's where I am now... still.  

I've been reading lots of posts in Facebook lately and I saw some interesting status message about living life God's way, and not my way... about focusing on the Blessor and not so much on the blessing.  That way I could be more appreciative of what I have.  I'm trying to help myself in the best way I can.  This is me trying to deny that I am simply, hopelessly depressed.  This forces me to think of the tiniest things to make myself feel better.  

Last night, Sinta and I were talking about random things.  We started quizzing each other about nursing concepts and related stuff, then when we finally had enough, we just talked about nothing and everything.  Though we had talked about our past roughly for uncountable times already, reliving old memories never seem to grow old. He mentioned particularly how I seem to recount every detail of every memory we talked about.  I would recount even the least important of movements, and he was amused.  

I had to think to myself why he thought most of the things I remembered seemed insignificant.  

It's just the way I am.  So what if I can still remember the way he moved when we met down the hall... how my fingers had this spin-the-pen reflex when I am anxious because he was looking my way?  I am that person, who cherishes every heartbeat that jumped for joy, who's always in touch with every ache.  Yeah... the psychologist in MNH was right. I am a subjective person... but... only when it comes to myself. 

So now I had to rationalize why I am so in touch with the smallest of details... because sometimes, when I find myself in a situation where I feel that I am worse than inadequate, these small details are the ones that keep me going.  They give me a glimmer of hope that I still deserve days that all I have to do is love life while living it, while compiling all the smallest details.  

Like when my world was falling apart, and all I was feeling was the terrible dread of losing someone I love... the smell of kimchi from the Korean canteen of Building E1... that blue and red bag filled with heavy MS books, the biting of cheeks while staring at the numbers on the screen that indicated the floor the elevator was currently on... the sliding doors... his indescribable smirk, the swag he had when he walked away... Now why should I forget all the details? When I look back now and then, these details still leave me in awe because of how things currently worked out, while some did not. 

Yes, everything counts... even the light pats in the back and the moments when he had me singing Collide in my mind. ;) 

The Rescue

" I am a lunatic from the gracious days. I used to be woebegone, and so restless nights. My aching heart would bleed for you to see... oh, but now..." 

It has not been more than a month ago that I said something about rescuing myself.  Well, this morning, it finally dawned on me that hey, it can't all just end in words. I seriously have to do something about it.

Tell you what, it may sound so insignificant, but it has been raining a lot lately... Kind of reflecting what I have been feeling for so long... :'(

I remember that day, when all that flooding was so bad. I have not felt an ache for a very long time, and that day it came.  I ignored it.  I focused on what I thought was a funny ridicule... I ignored that scary vision that I probably would find myself buried into, some time in the near future.  And today, it has not even started raining yet, but I remembered it suddenly.

I guess what some people say is true though... that after so much despair, hope will finally show itself...

"Oh but now... I don't find myself bouncing home whistling buttonhole tunes to make me cry..."

It's about time.

**Thanks Annie Lennox for the inspiring song... girl power!!!**

Easy to ignore

Browsing through FB's newsfeed is getting really depressing for me.  If not for candy crush, I think I would have deactivated my account. :(

I can't believe after much perseverance I am at this phase again.  

"You and the moon are a beautiful sight to me..."

That again.  So it has been years and that song by sixpence none the richer still reigns over my life. 

What am I to do now?

They say the first step to healing is acknowledge the facts.  

Let me make things clear.  Years ago, I was able to accomplish this feat. You know, accepting the facts.  Foreseeing that time and time again, I only have me to rescue myself.  That I could never rely on anybody else.  I could never be a damsel in distress.  

It was fulfilling, achieving that feeling that no one could let me down, no matter how lonely I seemed. I kind of already planned it out.  I thought I planned right.

Let's fast forward to now... now that I am somewhere different from what I imagined.  My plan needed to be revised.  I had to think less of myself, and more of whom I share my heart with.  

That being said, I think I was trying to be positive. We all get what we deserve right? 

So do I really deserve this now?... Now that I'm realizing I need to get back to my original plan... because now, the recent plan is most likely no longer feasible.  

SIGH... I think I'm far more stronger than the person I was before. I vow to never make my family suffer because I'm suffering.  This time, I will not let them see me cry.  

I let the night break, and I rest in the truth that my heart could not ache anymore.