My only saving grace

I admit that I am not a holy person.  I remember wanting to become a nun way back when I was younger, but I admit, I really did not know back then what I really wanted.  I saw myself being a nun while taking care of sick people.  I wanted to be a nun/nurse.

Young as I was, I appreciated so many things about Mother Mary.  I would wear a scapular or a rosary under my uniform during my elementary days. Both non-Catholics and Catholics classmates would make fun of me... they probably thought I looked and acted weird.  (What was so wrong with wearing a scapular or rosary anyway? How ironic it was that we were studying in a Catholic school and we prayed the rosary every morning... matching songs and all).  Anyway, my point is... though it took me a long time to memorize all the mysteries of the Holy Rosary, I can never deny that praying the rosary has always been a big part of my life.

I know it took years and so many lessons for my faith to mature, and it was hard to pray meaning all the words instead of just memorizing and speaking them out loud as was always done and practiced... but there were moments when those words were really more than words...and I felt them during the times that I was most broken.

I still remember all those hopeless nights that I prayed, and all the times that I was hurt.  I didn't know how to take the pain away.  After praying the rosary, for some reason, I would feel better.  I always believed Mama Mary would look down upon me with mercy, and so would Jesus, and God the Father... but I always felt like I didn't deserve forgiveness, and it was harder facing them than it was asking Mama Mary for intercession.

During the time that I felt most broken, and I was praying for her intercession, I felt a sudden relief of pain.  Like I was immersed in plain, invisible, soothing comfort.  I was broken, but for some reason I can't explain, I felt loved... and I was given hope.

I'm about to face something that has become my fear for the longest time.  Failing me.  Try as I may, I can't ignore the way I'm feeling depressed lately.  I think anytime now, I'd go insane.  I'm on the verge of a destructive panic... and then out of nowhere, a reminder hit me in the face. :')

I may not always get what I want but I am loved, no matter how sinful I am.  I am loved.  I know my daily prayers and petitions to Mama Mary might not be enough for me to over come the fear that I have to face, but I know once again, that she'll make sure I'll be loved... that I'll never be forsaken.

I'm so anxious I could cry the whole night. Talk about ineffective coping to the highest level. Hehe.

Thank You Lord for all the blessings.  I am thanking You now for all the times that You said yes, and for all the times You said no, because I know everything happens for a reason.  If You're about to say no again, then that would only mean I would be one step closer to the plan that You are planning for me.