Newspaper Dance

Newspaper Dance

The loudness of the music
was nothing compared to the crazy bumming in my ears.
A youthful spirit
still resided in me.
I kept an indestructible wall about me...
not indestructible enough to keep you out.

Every second seemed eternity.

I was careful not to look in your eyes
for there was something in them
that drew me helplessly to you.

Each fold took forever.

We both tried to breathe in
the real world around us,
while living,
caught up in a bizarre dream
that finally came true.

There was warmth in your eyes,
and though few were the words
that came out of your mouth,
I found myself
basking in your silence.

As the folds got smaller and smaller...
so did the world around us.
The shouts and screams became too loud to hear
that I could only hear my heartbeat.

We were oblivious to the world around us...
and I was at peace.

Then you swooped me in your arms.
You did everything you could
to stay in this silly game.

I held on...

Would you have known I wasn't willing to let go?

The game had to end.

Your eyes got cold.

My heartbeat was only mine to hear.

You let me go.

That was all there was to it...
and nothing more.

the new me

Tuloy Pa Rin
Neocolors

Sa wari ko'y
Lumipas na ang kadiliman ng araw
Dahan-dahan pang gumigising
At ngayo'y babawi na

Muntik na
Nasanay ako sa 'king pag-iisa
Kaya nang iwanan ang
Bakas ng kahapon ko

Tuloy pa rin ang awit ng buhay ko
Nagbago man ang hugis ng puso mo
Handa na 'kong hamunin ang aking mundo
'Pagkat tuloy pa rin

Kung minsan ay hinahanap
Pang alaala ng iyong halik (alaala ng 'yong halik)
Inaamin ko na kay tagal pa
Bago malilimutan ito

Kay hirap nang maulit muli
Ang naiwan nating pag-ibig (alam ko na 'yan)
Tanggap na at natututo pang
Harapin ang katotohanang ito

Tuloy pa rin ang awit ng buhay ko
Nagbago man ang hugis ng puso mo
Handa na 'kong hamunin ang aking mundo
'Pagkat tuloy pa rin

Tuloy pa rin ang awit ng buhay ko (tuloy pa rin)
Nagbago man ang hugis ng puso mo (hugis ng mundo mo)
Handa na 'kong hamunin ang aking mundo (hamunin)
'Pagkat tuloy pa rin (tuloy pa rin)
Tuloy pa rin ang awit ng buhay ko
Nagbago man ang hugis ng puso mo
Handa na 'kong hamunin ang aking mundo
'Pagkat tuloy pa rin
Tuloy pa rin ang awit ng buhay ko (tuloy pa rin)
Nagbago man ang hugis ng puso mo
Handa na 'kong hamunin ang aking mundo (handang harapin ang mundo)
'Pagkat tuloy pa rin
Tuloy pa rin ang awit ng buhay ko
Nagbago man ang hugis ng puso mo
Handa na 'kong hamunin ang aking mundo
'Pagkat tuloy pa rin

******

Yes...life must go on. I had to keep in mind what Mom told me...

...I can cry a river but after that, be sure to hold myself together and move on.

I haven't moved on totally but I definitely am starting to. I had so many realizations... I lost some, but with that loss, I found something more better. I might have lost Jesher but I definitely found God.

I just recently discovered the wonderful life of prayer. Yeah, sure,I used to pray before, but now... praying isn't just praying. Prayer has become something that I cannot live without. There's something different with the way I pray now...I don't know, I feel so touched and blessed everytime. Can you believe it? I thought I learned how to pray ages ago, but I found out I learned how to really pray when I became 22 years old. It helped me change a lot. I learned how to communicate WITH God. I realized what my mistake was. I was busy crying out my whims and all of my hurts. I wasn't listening to what He was saying. I did all the talking. I am trying to change all of that now. I have a clearer idea of what contemplation and reflection means.

Here are the things that my new life of prayer has done for me:

• I am now optimistic (I was such a pessimist before). I found out that I am good in seeing the brighter side of things. I realized I can see the good side of things if I choose to.
• I discovered that starting the day with a prayer makes me less irritable. ( I swear that I am a bitchy person, but recently, I haven't been the bitch I am.I am glad. I feel so much better!)
• There are needs that can't be met by any material thing... there is an emptiness that no one can fill. Only God can give me real peace... and I can feel that peace through praying.
• It had been easier loving those who hate me. It had been easier forgiving all those who had done me wrong.
• It made the process of letting him go easier, because I am assured that God has better plans for the two of us.
• I finally found the courage to face the fact that I am not the one who will make him grow... and that he'll never be the one who will grow spiritually and emotionally with me. Maybe he had to go because that is the only way for me to become closer to God, and that is what matters most.
• I finally found the strength to recall all our good memories. Sometimes it makes me cry but I found out that the more memories I recalled, more parts of him in me are peacefully set free.

I don't know what came over me... I know I need not talk about my prayer life so much. It's just that it changed me a lot and it helped me deal with my life graciously.

Yes... I definitely have to move on. I am trying very hard to move on. It is still hard for me to forget all the pain he caused but little by little, I can feel all my wounds start to really heal. I now know how to be happy. I cannot be with a person who thinks I am one of the reasons why his life's a mess...or that I am someone who makes his life harder to deal with.

I finally learned how to love myself.

I found God... and last but not the least... I found myself.

It's about time I did.

BLUE:
At work or in school: I like to be with people, sharing with them, inspiring them, and helping them. I work and learn best when I can take into consideration people and the human element. I flourish in an atmosphere of cooperation.With friends: I always look for perfect love. I am very romantic, and I enjoy doing thoughtful things for others. I am affectionate, supportive and a good listener.With family: I like to be happy and loving. I am very sensitive to rejection from my family and to family conflicts. I really like to be well thought of and need frequent reassurance. I love intimate talks and warm feelings.

What Color is Your Brain?
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thank you's

They say that all tears will eventually turn into laughter...

I must have millions of laughs in store for me in the future coz I just cried three nights in a row.

Way back in LB when I took Speech Comm, I learned from one of my classmate's informative speech that it was good to cry. Nobody has to tell me how good it is because I cry anytime I want to. How many times have I resorted to crying when nothing seems to cure me? Probably more than a million already. I am surprised that my tear glands are still working.

I am so exhausted... Bangkok was fun.It was great seeing my family together. It was great having a grand vacation. I didn't wanna go back here.Leaving my family really broke my heart. I had so much to think about... How am I supposed to know I was to face more than what I thought I would face? ...in my case, my happiness turned to sadness.

I'm done with my good cry. I cried so hard. I cried a very long and silent cry. I cried for the people I love who are far away from me, I cried for the things that have to be done in the days to come,I cried for all the strength that I lost, I cried for the laughters that I missed, I cried for the time that had gone by, I cried for those who have left me, I cried for the hopes that had been gone and I cried for the things I wish I did but I didn't. I just cried and cried. I thought I would never stop.

Cold?...I feel that way still. I am trying to fix my life like I thought I would. I had lost so much... but I gained a lot too. I, for one, have my whole heart. I own it again...

There's no other way to go but move forward and not look back...for now. I am trying to be brave enough to face each day and make my way through. There will come a day when I would be able to look back at all of these and not feel even an ounce of pain. When that day comes, all of these would just be something to smile about.

I wish 2006 would be a better year for me. 2005 had been a year of loss for me, I hope this year would be the opposite.

I am sad, but I am okay. I already cried and I prayed hard and I feel so much better. I am in one of my numb phases again. It will help me get through for now and I've got God to thank for.

Inspite of the things that I lost, here are the things I am thankful for:

• God... He knows all of angst, my wrong doings and shortcomings, and yet He loves me more than anyone could.
• my family... they are my immediate friends and they accept me for who I am no matter how many times I do them wrong. They never left my side.
• the few friends that I have... they are few but they're the best. They have endured my pathetic moments and I am so greatful to them for that. My life would suck big time without them.
• ComLec... I can't imagine life without them and I can't imagine how I would be this strong. They have changed me a lot and they helped me grow spiritually and emotionally.
• my pillows... I have so many pillows to comfort me in times of great depression
• Jesher...for all the memories we had (because that is all we have) and for having the courage to say how he really felt. It saved me from thinking of hurtful thoughts and things had been easier because of it. I know he'd be one of the things to smile about five years from now.
• all the tears I shed... they dampened my spirit but after that, they made me stronger.
• music... because they help me kill my loneliness away.
• my being single...because it makes me a free person with less problems to think of.

This is my way of looking at the brighter side of things.

***I need you Lord, please stay here by my side.There's no other love I think I'm sure about.***