Half of the year is through! I. Just. Can't.
I did have a feeling, the long Eid Al Fitr break, would mean harder duty days afterwards. How right I was.
The conditions stated in our new contract were immediately implemented. From 40 hours per week, we are now working for 48 hours. All of our doctors opted to still have two days off, and that meant working for more than 8 hours for five days. Saying work is exhausting is such an understatement. There are just no words for it. Even the doctors are feeling burnt out, they get sick alternately. The first week back from the Eid holidays, was something I do not wish to go through again. There was one time that I cried, the moment I got home, just to let all my frustrations out. Longer working hours meant not being able to make it to water trainings too, and paddling is my happy pill. Even if I make it, I wouldn't have enough energy for it. I truly feel my age is catching up on me, physically. 😂
Sometimes, it would be easier to just blame my feelings on our unjust work system. My colleagues and I are all learning how to be respectful while being feisty. We have to do what we have to do, to make it through the day. Having that said, I could always choose to be spiteful about it, but it would all the more drain the happiness out of me. I try my best to find something to be grateful for, everyday, no matter how bad the day have been.
I just want time to slow down a bit. I feel undeniably overstretched. There's just too much to do, and so little time. Partly my fault, because I feel like I had all the time in the world... now I can hear the clock ticking. There are times that I am consumed by the immensity of it all, I just shut down. When that happens, I always prefer to sleep it away. How did I get this bad at coping with life?
I have become too comfortable with my single life. For a long time, I only had myself to think about. I always make my situation a laughing matter. I would always say in my popcorn prayers, "Lord, I am okay with being single, just as long as I have enough, to help others, while still being able to provide for myself." God have been exceedingly gracious. Too gracious, that He even gave me blessings I didn't pray for. Along with these blessings, came responsibilities. I get frustrated, when I feel, that I fall short of fulfilling them.
Is it so wrong to want many things at the same time? I would ask most of the time.
I want to give my self a good beating for always asking, now that I realize what God's answer is: No. It isn't wrong, but wanting many things at the same time might be too much for you.
SIGH. My time is running out. I am resolved in accepting that there are just some things I have no control of. I can't find the courage to face what I need to face... I am afraid to take required exams for a better career path, I feel like I will never be brave enough to schedule an appointment with a doctor. I am terrified of what I would find out. These, plus all of the tasks I have to do, before the year ends, make me feel overloaded. SIGH. Again.
*Half of the year is through, will I ever see my dreams come true?
