looking back

Today is my "trip to the past" day.

I went to two places that changed my life greatly.

I didn't want to think it was too long ago, but it's been quite a while since I last stepped foot in my old high school. I thought I would never have a reason to come back... my favorite teachers were gone, I don't know anyone in there anymore, all my friends in the lower batches are in college too... I thought I would never see that place again...

How wrong I was.

I needed this certificate that will prove that I graduated as part of the upper 40% in high school. So against all my will, I had to go back there and face my fears. I feared so many things. I feared seeing Sir. John. I feared him asking me how I am...how he is... how we are.

As you know, everything is different now. I feared that Sir. John might be disappointed that I still haven't graduated. I didn't want to talk about him and me because it's honestly still painful for me, and I don't wanna cry in front of him.

I was so anxious at the start of the day like I always am. I was hoping against hope that the school staff had forgotten about me and him being together so there would be no questions asked.

When I got there, I was surprised to see a different place. It still had its homey feeling, but deep inside, I couldn't help feeling like a stranger. The place looked entirely different. Gone was the quadrangle where we used to catch frogs in Biology class. The open spaced school that I got used to before felt strangely tight now with its newly built walls. I couldn't help but be sad. Memories came flooding in my mind.

I went straight to the office to get what I need to have things done and over with. Sir. John was forever present. I was nervous and relieved about it. I felt welcome and even the owners of the school were very friendly to me. They talked to me as if I was one of them.

"Sabi ni Jica ang baboy baboy na raw ni Jesher! Bakit hindi siya nagee-mail sa 'kin?"

Did he really have to ask? I was afraid he might, and he really did! Typical of Sir. John to ask something about him... I guess he (sir) didn't forget about us. At least before that his first comment from the moment he saw me was "Miss Tedor! Ang ganda ganda mo na ngayon!" WOW. Talk about boosting my self-esteem. I've been feeling ugly for as long as I can remember.

Anywayz, I had to tell him the truth. So I told him, (Mr. and Mrs. Ilmedo was there too, trust me, it was so embarrassing) that we already broke up. ( Mrs. Ilmedo asked why?!!! I was caught off guard!) I nearly cried. I didn't want to talk about it... "Meron na ba siyang iba?" What?! I could feel my tears swelling up!Fortunately for me, it didn't fall.

"E, ganon po talaga."

Thank You Lord for giving me the strength to answer. Sigh... my stay there was brief but I was happy I came back. No... I wasn't able to turn back the time, but I was able to face my fear...my fear of seeing people from my past, feeling sad about him and me not being us anymore. I am so relieved. Thank You Lord for giving me relief.

Now, I'm in LB, wasting the hour away with Pat. LB has changed too, but the memories I had here will never be gone. I feel so ecstatic.

I'm in LB... I got to be home at last.

rip it

SIGH...

It's hard to put up a straight face.

I read Sky's blog...and it made me laugh. She wrote: "My life starts now...5...4...3...2...1..."

Can my life be lived that way? Can my day start that way?

I don't know where she gets her drive to live. I mean, there she goes facing life as bravely as she could... here I am getting better and better at being anxious about my life.

In a way, I'm like her. I have to condition myself every morning to face my fears and get on with the day. I don't count from five to one... I usually give myself five minutes to actually get a hold of myself and start the day and get things done and over with.

I always pray to God that I may be able to bear all the hurts I have to feel for the day. I don't know what's happening to me... but I am scared to live the day. I don't wanna die...I just want to sleep forever. Sigh... I know life is beautiful, and that happiness is a choice... sometimes, I just get lost again and feel sad and...pathetic.

Last night, I was ignoring the fact that I was hurting. FRIENDS made me laugh... Joey was hilarious! Charmed almost lulled me to sleep. PBB was okay... I was trying hard to cheer myself up... but when it was time for me to really sleep... I cannot help being anxious about my life again. I can't help feeling stressed about the things I need to do, the things I cannot do anymore, the things that will never be... it's emotionally tiring.

You know what I did?... It was the craziest thing I ever did.

RIPPED...CUT...RIPPED...CUT...RIPPED.

Do I have any regrets?... Surprisingly, I don't feel bad about it. It was great finally having to tear those pictures apart. With every ripping sound, I could feel my heartbeat race faster... the hurt slowy ebbing away. When they were all ripped into pieces...I felt so relieved. SIGH... definitely no regrets.

You know what the problem with me was?... I was still holding back and it was doing me no good. Why hold on to reasons not holding on to? I had to do it... because it was too painful to see myself in that happy situation. Besides, I have enough memories in my mind to last me a lifetime. I don't need them anymore. They'll only give me reasons to cry everytime I see them.

I am so tired of being talked to with words that are cold and flat... (I deserve more than that... gaya ng sabi ni Michael Buble).

This morning, when I woke up, the hurt was gone. I am so proud of myself I can't help to laugh about the whole thing. Hehehe... my life is not too bad again. I am choosing to be happy...and though I have to start the day convincing myself to face the day, at least I found the strength to go through my anxieties.

God is the strength of my heart.