things that make me happy

They say life is good.It is a gift. I say life is hard. Being a human is a curse. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion right?

I have always been pessimistic about life. I am so negative about almost everything. I always say I'm tired of life and living it.I'm trying to find something I don't know what, and I am tired of having to find nothing at all. I am tired of living. I want my life to end. Death always seem the best answer. If I die, I won't have to worry about the future. If I die, I wouldn't have to find out if he and I were really meant to be. If I die, my funeral and burial would be the last expense my family has to make for me. I wouldn't have to add to their finances anymore. I could write a thousands of ifs and thens. Death seem to be the answer. Death is a sure way of escaping my life.

Death must be good then. Should I die then? Then I think of how I live my life.

I get tired by just trying to be safe everytime I travel. I take medicine when my migraine attacks.I eat when I am hungry. I am tired of living... but these things I do make me realize that I don't wanna lose my life. I wanna preserve it. Why else would I wanna be safe everytime?Why would I take a drug to relieve my pain?... I'ts because I don't wanna die. I wanna live.

You know what I'm really tired about? I'm tired of having to deal with the difficulties in life. I'm tired of having to go through pain before I can finally gain.I'm tired of worrying about people with bad intentions. I am tired of all the hardships in life.

Maybe I just think of the negative side of things too much. What happened to the saying "Look at the bright side?" Maybe my life sucks because I create too much fuss about it. So today... I thought of simple things that make me happy.

SIMPLE THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY

• a classmate that eats lunch with me
• a tricycle that leaves the terminal quickly
• not having to commute
• hearing a favorite song that hasn't been played for a long time
• passing a quiz or an exam without studying
• not being late for class
• finding a seat in the library
• having someone to talk to on the bus on the way home
• a pen with a good ink
• a nice poem
• a hearty meal
• a smile from my crush
• jesher's calls (...pathetic!)
• a friend request in friendster
• light flow of traffic
• a nice shade of lipstick
• a cute fan
• a soft handkerchief
• a call from an old friend

O diba... there's so many simple things that make me happy. Maybe I am the one who's making my life so bad by the way I react. I must learn to accept life as it is, coz it's never gonna be a smooth ride always.

Sigh... I think I feel better now. My life's not so bad. My day started great. I am to meet ate Lara at Makati tonight, and we'd go home together, and I would have the chance to sleep on the ride, and I wouldn't be that tired when I get home. That is such a happy thought. Who said life sucks so much?

Hahaha... "It's not at all that bad my friend..."

headache

Am I flying high today? My day started with a quiz which our group in Anatomy scored for one point. ONE POINT. How senseless can that be? We're the worst group of all. Did it bother me at all? Not in the least!

My parents always tell me that one failure won't determine your future. True. Just because you failed, that doesn't mean you won't have any success in the future. That one point quiz this morning was nothing compared to my real problems. I am not in the slightest bit bothered by it because I know we failed not because we're stupid but because our teacher wasn't fair in asking the questions. Our professor's style was totally unfair. It was an example of "one failure will make you a total failure"... and life isn't like that. In fact, life is full of failures. Failures people learn from. Anywayz, I wasn't really affected. I know deep in my heart that we were not stupid and that we were just victims of an unjust system, and that we were just unlucky.

*sigh*...

It was father's day yesterday. I attended the seven p.m. mass at church and I was so touched by the prayer for the fathers. I missed dad...(surprisingly!joke!) I guess I just envied the kids who were cheering their dad in front of the crowd. My dad could've been there... then we'd eat outside for dinner, or mom will cook a delicious meal and end our night with ice cream. I felt like crying. I miss dad so much! ...and mom too, and my siblings in Thailand.

I was just so tired. People can't help but get tired sometimes. I haven't had enough sleep, my class schedule is sucking the life out of me, and what happened to me last week ( the dukutan incident, the same bastards were in the a different bus I was riding on last Friday and how I wanted to be a bird so I can fly, fly away!) is scaring me out of my wits. I am so afraid of commuting alone, and I couldn't sleep during my travel time. When I get home, I feel so worn out. Then come tomorrow, I would be off early again.

Who do I blame? My class sched is awful because the people at the manual advising table won't let us choose what time of the class we should be enrolled in. They only give out the control number without you having the liberty to know when the classes would occur. They tell you to just have the sections change when the first week of classes start and when classes did start and you try to fix your sched, they wouldn't allow you to choose a convenient time for you because of a shallow reason (they think all students liked to change sections so that they could be with their friends... they should know not all students here have so many friends and they should know not all students change sections for that reason). Do you know I had to stay dumbstruck for six hours befor my next class during mondays, wednesdays, and fridays? My first class starts at seven a.m., I am just a useless wanderer from ten to four, then I am obliged to endure chem class from four to seven p.m. I needed to change my section, because it was such an inconvenient situation for me, and it's not like I live a block away from school. I have to travel for miles for whoever's sake! And when they did allow me to change sections, (I talked to the dean and she sympathized with me...it was really an awful schedule), all the sections were closed because it was too late. And now I had to suffer becuase of the injustice of it all.

Justice... so great a word, so reached by few. It is laid in the hands of people who knows what it means, but does not carry it out.

Who am I to blame for all these?

Tell the answer to my head ache... then maybe it will go away.

tag

Eloisa tagged me!

what to do:

things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out and play. what lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level? make a list, post it to your journal... and then tag 5 friends and ask them to post it to theirs.

I really like spending time doing nothing, while lying in bed. I like dreaming my life away... I wish reality didn't exist.

Anywayz, here are the things that I do to lessen my insanity:

1. I lie down in bed and try to fall asleep. ( I know a lot will find this weird, but I always "kuyakoy" myself to sleep)
2. I listen to the radio, play my favorite cds until my eyes dropped.
3. I listen to music using my discman... it's different when I just listen to the radio, and when I use my discman. I usually singalong in my thoughts and pretend I was the one really singing the songs. Sometimes I even imagine myself dancing (which I truly suck at) while singing upbeat songs. Pathetic ha? Well, it's free to dream right?
4. I drink lots of water. It makes me feel refreshed and cleansed. Helps in making my sadness wash down all over my body.
5. I call my good ol' highschool friends on the phone and try to have a long chat with them.
6. I write in my diary... senseless thoughts and string of words which only I can read. I am a writing addict especially when my pen's ink is clear and bold.
7. I eat chocolate... it's definitely, absolutey pleasurable to indulge into something especially when that something is hazardous for you. ( I have migraine... chocolate makes me feel intoxicated, but I still eat anyway. It's something I can't resist)
8. I watch television until my head ached.
9. I write poems. It's one thing I can't stop myself from doing. I may not be that good, but I just. I feel better keeping things that I feel to myself.
10. I hug my pillows... nothing can comfort me better than my soft pillows. It's a perfect substitute for absent loved ones you want to hug (it couldn't hug you back though).
11. I put on my lipstick, so at the end of the day, my lips would look as if it had been whipped.
12. When it's night time, star gazing calms me a lot. Stars always leave me mystified.
13. Pig out on whatever is available in the fridge (durian chips, sampaloc or just water, haha!)
14. Go to a friend's house and spend the whole day there talking about anything under the sun.
15. Read a good book. It's the perfect thing to do to kill time.
16. Take a long bath. I really feel better after a long bath, it's as if my aches and sadness are being scrubbed away with my dead skin cells.
17. Wash my feet... I don't know, I'm just like that.
18. And when I feel really down, I just look at the short list Eloisa made for me to help me feel good about my life.

Five reasons for me to smile ( according to Eloisa):

1. Many sick patients out there waiting for me to graduate.
2. Mr. Right might be stuck at the terminal.
3. Joven as a new star in charades.
4. PYM acquaintance part on October 9 (of course this happened ages ago, but it's still fun to reminisce right?)
5. Meteor rocks!!! (haha,this gets me everytime)

There you have it... it's not such a long list.

I'm tagging Sky, T.A., Gel-gel,Fred,and Ongx.

mandurukot blues

I had a terrible morning. I was up early for my seven a.m. class, and I made it to the bus just in time. I didn't wait for so long for the bus to fill with passengers. That was supposed to be a good thing right? The bus leaving quickly would mean allowing me to arrive at school on time. I should be feeling lucky, and I was, until an unexpected thing happened.

I thought silly things only happened in movies. I actually got hit in the face with a knapsack by a ruthless, cruel, mean pick pocket. I was really taken by surprise. He was pissed at me because I tried to warn the girl beside me that they (the ugly man and his accomplice) were pick pocketing her. I pulled the girl's wrist to get her attention and he was probably mad because he wasn't able to get every valuable thing the girl had in her purse... but she already lost something because she was rummaging her bag like crazy, as if she was going to cry.

And I... got hit in the face. Literally hit in the face. I didn't know what to do. The partner in crime even sat beside me, and that made me freeze even more. I was expecting him to harass me next, like pull out a knife and ask for my wallet and phone, but, fortunately he didn't. I think he was even against what his partner did...you know, slapped my face. I think the one who sat beside me had a little bit softer heart, but even so, they were both mean! The bad thing about it was that the couple opposite my seat laughed at me when the monster hit me! Talk about caring for your fellowmen.

I wasn't trying to be a hero... I just couldn't bear the thought of witnessing something bad that is happening right in front of my face without me doing anything about it. I couldn't bear not doing anything. If that happened to me, I would definitely want the people around me to help.

Look what happened... I got hit in the face. I still couldn't believe it now. I thought it only happens in movies, didn't even imagine it will happen to me. I can still see the look in his eyes...it was so fierce, it was enough for me to never ride on that bus again. I was shaking when I arrived in school and that was the only time I was able to free my tears.

I wasn't really trying to be a hero... and even though I got hit in the face, at least I can say to myself that once in my life I had been selfless ( and very stupid for that matter!what if he stabbed me with a knife?!) .

Gotta go... Chem class coming up. I'll never ride that bus again.

magical feeling

... a familiar rhythm plays in my head... ( my fingers snap on their own, my right foot starts moving together with the beat)...

I should be exhausted for listening to that tune almost the whole night... until dawn. I can't get the song out of my head. It's as phenomenal as "Amber" and I really do not know what has gotten over me. "...It's a magical feeling..." Maybe I'll be singing that song someday.

Magical feeling... the last time I picked out a song that reminded me of him, I chose the song, "Every little thing he does is magic..." and now, I definitely think "magical feeling" is for me. What's with the word magic anyway? And M.Y.M.P. had both songs in their albums...(just bought versions and beyond acoustics yesterday at landmark).

It's a magical feeling... haha!I couldn't think of a more girl-power song. It's bitter but subtle. It's not what I would call sour graping, but it's definitely something like that, made innocent with its country rock beat.

Sigh... wish I'd be feeling magical someday.

string of words... string of thoughts... what's so magical with that anyway? I am writing here because there's nothing left to do.I keep on playing the song on my mind to make me last the day. To help me not thinkof the very thing that would shatter me into pieces. (beat....beat... beat)

Seriously, I don't know what's so important about my life anymore. I'm searching for something that is unknown even to me. I thirst for something that even I can't name. What is wrong with my life? ... I feel so empty. I'm always feeling empty.

Things are falling apart. I won some, and lost lots. I have a sickening feeling inside of me... it's like my stomach churns every now and then. I feel so restless. At the end of the day, I would be feeling so tired, but when the dark of night comes... I couldn't banish myself to sleep. Does my mind still work? I am thinking, and yet I have nothing to give and share... I think I'm dreaming my life away. It's just isn't easy for me to be myself. When I love, I really love. When I dream, I really dream.

Magical feeling...
Will that feeling come when I'm finally over something that was never meant to be?
Will that feeling come when I finally accept myself for who and what I am?
Will that feeling come when I can finally feel again that there's a meaning to what I'm writing?
Will that feeling come when this string of thoughts come to an end?

Magical feeling...magical feeling... wish I could sing the words while meaning them... not just sing along with it feeling the opposite thing.

"...it's a magical feeling,knowing you're not meant for me."