my King Arthur and Lancelot

I watched King Arthur last Monday night. The movie was okay... I was so intrigued with the story, I kept rewinding the scenes over and over again so I would be able to understand the story better.

The battle scenes were the usual battle scene... bloody and gross, dragging too. Being the cry baby I am... I cried...all because of a knight who risked his life, trying to break the ice (literally break the ice they were standing on) with the hope that the enemy would be killed.That's not an unusual thing either. What really affected me was the part where Lancelot died because of saving Guinevere's life...more like continuing her battle and dying for it.

I spent the whole night thinking of that scene and I didn't know what time it was when I finally lost myself to sleep.

Guinevere married Arthur in the end... and Lancelot?... his bravery was just a mere memory.

Though the movie didn't really have lines that actually confirmed that Lancelot liked Guinevere, his actions said so. He didn't do anything to win her, because he knew she was for Arthur (or I just like to think so).

If I were Guinevere... who would be my Lancelot?... who would be my Arthur?

I had someone in mind. I remembered all the sweet and noble deeds he had done for me. He was always there even when I didn't need him. He was something I couldn't easily throw away because he kept hanging around. He was my Lancelot... and like Guinevere, my heart was only for an Arthur who didn't even notice me.

I was so sure about the way I felt. He was just Lancelot, and I thought it will forever stay that way. He was everything I needed... but he didn't mean anything... didn't mean more than a friend at least. I thought I will never feel the same...

...but I did. He was just Lancelot until senior year came. He could have been Lancelot always...forever standing by to finish the battles I started and dying for me in the end. He could just have been Lancelot who could only give wistful glances without having to touch even an inch of my skin. He could just have been Lancelot...and nothing more than that.

But I made him my Arthur... and he did so much more than I expected.

Now?... he isn't my Arthur anymore, and he isn't my Lancelot either. Perhaps Kings just change when they venture in another kingdom. Maybe they just forget that they have Queens like Guinevere and feel okay with the idea of starting to live a life full of contentment like nothing was lost.

If I am Guinevere...who would be my Lancelot?...who would be my Arthur?

Only time can tell...

I just need to stay in my dark cell for now...I don't need the torture Guinevere had to go through. I just need a dark cell so I could fill it with my thoughts. Maybe when I finally realize that there are lots of potential Lancelots and Arthurs out there, I would leave my dark cell bravely and face the real world again.

By then, I pray that I would be able to choose who should be the deserving Arthur, and the right Lancelot...

...but just still Lancelot and nothing more than that.

The Goddess of Flora and Sadness. You are a natural
dreamer. Always loyal and tranquil, you can
make anyone feel safe and you are exceptionally
thoughtful. You are a delicate beauty.


Which gorgeous goddess are you? For girls! (breath taking pics!)
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Got this from Paula's blog... try niyo rin! I am not exactly familiar with this kind of flower. I like it... It looks like everythings in chaos but everything seems peaceful. It's like my life. I am in a deep chaos... I feel empty without knowing why, but I look okayj. (in other words, plastic! Hahaha, joke lang!)

I am the goddess of Flora and sadness... I like it. I am a nature lover and I am always sad.Is that good thing?

Ewan... maybe I am just like that.

ordinary day

This is gonna be a long day.

I am okay now... I was just so down last week, and tomorrow's gonna be a thursday again. I am not really looking forward to it, but I have to get through it somehow or I will be stuck in this long day forever.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I was sad... no, I wasn't homesick. I truly enjoy staying at the dorm with Mhay. We have so many things to talk about. Things I wasn't able to know because I had a busy time in LB. I missed a lot of moments...can't do anything about it now, can I? That's just the way it is.

Hmm... I just feel so empty. Last night, I cried again. It's not because I feel down or anything... I just feel sad. I'm missing someone I shouldn't miss.Sigh...

I try to be strong each and everyday. I try to believe in myself, in what I am, in what I have... I try to believe in other people...and what do I get? They just give up on me.

Don't know what's real anymore. I feel like living in a world full of lies... the world is full of lies. Don't know who's a friend or not. Things are really getting messy.

Thursday's gonna come again. I don't know why I'm saying this... but I would just have to tell myself that I am something she's never gonna be until I would finally be able to last the day.

*******
Smile a lovely smile
I can still see through your eyes.
The sparkle they show
tell me how much you loathe me.
No one's telling you you're lesser than who you are
why want more?
Am I wrong in thinking you're a friend?
I am tired of playing your game.
I want to be real
not the way you want to be untrue.
Keep away from me...
just get away from me.
Let us live without getting in each other's way.
I'd rather live that way
than having you as a friend
and having my heart torn into pieces
by the way you silently hate me.
Smile a lovely smile.
I can still see through your eyes.
Can you see through mine?
I loathe you too...
but I will not mess things up
like the way you do.
*******

Hay naku... high blood na yata ako. Hehehe, I feel better after writing that stuff. Nothing can calm me better than a heartfelt poem!

blue thursday

I am so down today... all because of a person who will never be like... haha...

No, seriously, I am so down. I need to find out why I deserve to be hated so much.

It it because of the way I look? I can't change my the way my eyes stare at people... I didn't design my eyes!

... She'll never be like me, she's never gonna be like me... I'll just keep on telling myself that until I finally last the day. I did last the day. I am here now, in the comfort of a quiet computer shop, without the slightest trace of her.

The day started great. I woke up late (was that a good thing?), and I was okay with what I ate. Couldn't ask for a more better day. Things just get worse when you least expect them to.

And him?... he's like a debris. He hits me when I'm not in the mood to think of him. He would do the simplest things and make me react like a crazy little girl whose life couldn't get so much better after some unpredictable things he does. Then, he ignores me just when I think I need him most.

I'm not making myself so clear, am I? ... that's just me. I have so many secrets. I wanna write, but I don't wanna reveal who I am writing about. It's not like everyone will find out,I couldn't care less. I just wanna be sure. Like the way I felt sure about my first crush in highschool not to be known for as long as I live.

...Sigh... I am just so down. Maybe a good dinner will help wash my depression down.

Times like these...I just need to think of all the good things the people I love say about me. I may be a bitch, but my friends are alwalys there to remind me I am nice. I feel stupid most of the time but my family always tell me I am from the same gene pool they were from, so I am smart. I look like an antogonist waiting to make a bad day for someone so innocent and unsuspecting, but my friends always tell me I look like an angel.

It's not like I'm being boastful or proud. I just need to think of anything that I can think of to boost my morale. I am just really down. Never felt ashamed of myself like this before...and it's all because of a person who'll never be like me.

I hope she's happy with what she's done. I will try my best not to be affected with what she does with my life. "if it makes her happy, it can't be that bad..." Just wish she won't go too far.

I need God's healing power now... Lord, I am so hurt than ever. I don't know why I cry about such a simple task that I failed to do... in my heart, I didn't fail. I know that You know I didn't fail. I am just unlucky that people tend to hate me. Do they hate me? Please help me understand that I couldn't please everybody. Please let me live knowing others hate me. I did try to reach out, maybe I'm just really not likeable. Why? Because my eyes look like I'm always in for a fight? Or my silence intimidates them, or do I walk like I own the whole universe?

I don't know, I really don't know.

I wish I would know what they're really thinking about. And I wish they'd find what I am really feeling. If they think I am so proud, why do I stand with a stooping back. If I walk like I own the world, how come I hide my face and try to walk as fast as I can. If I am too proud, why am so busy sitting in silence in the corner preferring not to say all the good things about me?

They would never understand me, and I probably would never understand them.

I am trying, I am really trying. I am trying to change my belief that first impressions always last because it is not a good thing...but at the end of the day, I always end up being right. I should've listened to my instincts from the very start. But I never get on their way to do things to hurt them just because I don't like them... I just simply do nothing, and this is what I get?

Why do some people find satisfaction in making other people feel miserable?

"God is the strength of my heart..."