my heart bleeds

My Heart Bleeds

Another lonely night...
my heart bleeds but doesn't ache.

I crave for the tears
that once pained me so.
They're gone now,
just like the shadows in the day
that faded away through the night.

My heart bleeds but it doensn't ache.

No longer can I cry
because of the truth that I learned to embrace.
You left...
and I let you leave.
Things will never be the same again.
We changed all that.
The pang is still inside of me
and your memory stays in the recesses of my mind.

I am not yet done grieving...
grieving for a love that will be lost,
for a hope that was forgotten,
for someone who gave up on me.
But my loneliness isn't impairing.
It is like a mound of callus
covered up my heart
and the pain you caused
feels like a whip of thorns no more.

My tears had left me...
now I couldn't cry anymore.

My journey doesn't stop here.
I still grieve
but not with tears.

Nights like this
when everything is so still
and the slightest sound I make
reminds me of you...
I used to cry myself to sleep.

Tonight's different.
I love you still...
but I can no longer cry.

My heart bleeds...but it doesn't ache anymore.

ako 'to

haha...vain talaga ko! just trying out photobucket!

Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines
-Pablo Neruda-

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.

'The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my sould is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.


---- sigh... this is it... gotta take things on my own from now on. The bluest of blue...that's what I am today.I could relate to the poem somehow... ='(
can't do anything about us anymore.I tried fighting for what we tried to save,but there's no use fighting it... that's what he wants... maybe this is what's best for the both of us. I am hurting,but I know I'll get through this. I can write the saddest lines too...I let go of his messages in my phone that's been stuck in my inbox for three years...sigh...i gotta let them go too... that was my first step in letting him go. I gotta lot of catching up to do.Now...every part of me just want to rest. I feel like I can't go on...but I'm moving... I'm laughing...I'm pretending I'm okay. That's got to be better than sulking in my sorrow so much. I grieve for a someone who's walking away from my life forever... gotta takes things on my own now... I just got to take life from here on my own...Lord, help me to let go of someone I own not. ----

How do you know it's time?

How do you know it's time?

-0O0-

How do you know it's time to walk away?

Years had already passed you by...

How do you know it's time to take your heart back?

You've given it up not even for yourself but for someone else.

How do you stop the feeling of a dreadful anticipation?

You know you'd be dying when that day comes.

How do you teach your heart to be strong?

It hasn't mend completely

and it's about to break into pieces again.

How do you teach yourself not to cry?

When tears have been your only comfort

each time loneliness befalls you.

How do you breathe knowing things are gonna be over soon?

You know you wouldn't be here had you given up a long time ago.

How do you know it's time to start a new life?

You were always contented with what you have...

careful of not asking too much

because God might not give you

the one that you wanted most.

How do you know the pain is too much for you to take?

You've been there all along

embracing it like comforting pillows

no matter what form it took.

You struggled...

but you faced them nonetheless...

only to find out all will be lost in the end.

-0O0-

How will I know it's time to walk away?

I'm still here

hoping against hope

for something that might never come.

-0O0-

...I have been waiting alone all along.

constantine and james

I finally got to watch Constantine yesterday. It was a cool and scary movie. I had fun with Sky even though it was just the two of us. We had so much to talk about, kahit mababaw, at least there was no dead moment.

The movie affected me so much. I keep on saying I wanna die soon... I hope I never wake... and stuffs like that. The movie had its own concept of hell... and it scared me. I don't wanna be in that place. According to the movie,people who commit suicide go directly to hell. Hahaha! I don't wanna go to hell. It's such an awful place... life is a living hell already, with all the colors,plants,trees,flowers and people. Hell is worse with all the dead soil, dusty wind, fires and demons and unfateful death happening all over again. Basta, suddenly, I got scared of dying and going to hell. I gotta start living right...(and it took a movie for me to realize that?! I'm never saying I don't wanna live again...if I can help it.)

What I didn't get though was how life was such a curse. Well, the movie just gave me an impression that being a human is such a pain in the ass. Archangel Gabriel got punished, and God made her a human. Satan made Constantine live so his suffering in this world can prolong. It makes me wonder... is life a gift or a curse? All my life,I've been lead to believe that it is so wonderful to be alive. That life is a gift...and suddenly this movie comes and my mind went thinking about a different idea. Wala lang... affected ako, nakakatawa!

Maybe I'm tired of my life... and for people like me who are tired of living, we could consider life as a curse. But I now realize that putting an end to it would make it worst. If my life is a living hell right now...I couldn't think of a better word to describe hell. Funny how the movie affected me so kahit na fiction lang. At least may natutunan ako. I know hell is a lot uglier than what the movie showed and I definitely don't wanna find how it looks like.

Sigh... weird... why am I thinking of such thoughts?

He called this morning and I was glad. I tried so hard not to write about him for quite a while now... but here I am writing about him again. Will I ever see him again... see him with us being the us? Everything's just so uncertain. I don't wanna keep on hoping, and then, I don't wanna lose hope.I am really hard to understand sometimes. I'm just so confused at the moment. I don't wanna stop loving him, and I know I can't and I won't. Even though things got crazy between us, I know my feelings haven't changed. It's hard trusting him the way I trusted him before but I'm trying to bring back that trust. I know I hurt him sometimes with the way I sound when I ask him if he meant the things that he says. I just couldn't help it, and I am really sorry everytime that I hurt him by being the doubtful person that I am. I am trying so hard to stop it,that might be the thing that might push him away. The only thing standing between us right now is distance...or perhaps insecurities. I am having a hard time getting over them. They get the best of me most of the time that's why I'm like this... not confident, sad... I don't have faith in myself and that is really bad. God help me... I'm doing the best I can but it's so hard to fight them off.

untitled

Walk out queen

There's something in the way the wind speaks
I want to run...
run until exhaustion comes
and take the life out of me.

If tears could only bring riches
then I'd be wealthy
my whole life through
but they have no value.
They go flowing unnoticed
and uncared for.

There they come
blinding me
with colors of something
that has no name.
I want to run
and forget about it.

So here I am
pretending that life is just a smooth path.
I'm trying to walk away
from something that wouldn't part with me...

I?...
I am going...going...going...
just going...

I will be going...
and I will try not to look back.