Dear Diaries

Dear Diaries

I read my past diaries last night, and I came to realize how unpredictable and funny life is.

Freshman year in highschool...
I was crazy over backstreet boys. Hahaha! I wrote one day how he irritatingly asked me a lot times if I was mad at him or not. He was a very good phone pal and nothing more than that.

Sophomore year in highschool...
I was so inspired by a certain person that I couldn't stop writing poems about him. And he (the significant person in my life right now) was just somewhere in the background. I liked him already way back then, but just as a friend. A really funny friend.
I enjoyed the company of my classmates most of the time... he and I didn't talk to each other in public because everytime we do, the whole class would tease us like crazy .
At the end of the last quarterly exams, I was surprised that he was suddenly talking to me, inspite of everybody's presence. Before, he didn't have the guts...he was too, I don't know, cowardly?

Junior year in highschool...
He came to be a really good friend. Everytime we talk on the phone Say It by Voices of Theory would keep on playing all over again in the background. He gave me a book on Valentine's Day... and he was the first guy who gave me flowers. I was Maria Clara and he was Crisostomo Ibarra... hahaha! The thought really makes me laugh! Everything's so silly!

Senior year in highschool...
It became him and me, and me and him. We'd have Jolibee dinner during Fridays after our C.A.T. He was the one who taught me how to use and make e-mail. We'd chase each other under the rain...I absurdly enjoyed it no matter how corny it looked for other people.

College days...
It was hard for me to be apart from him. I was in Laguna, and he was in Manila. He'd pick me up on Friday nights when I had exams that ended late. He'd visit me at our house during the second and fourth Saturday of the month. He gave me a necklace and a teddy bear as a gift for our first year anniversary. He left the country the summer before sophomore year in college started and since then, our relationship existed in e-mails and phone calls.

At least for years in my past, he was crazy about me...although he's not as crazy about me now. It's funny how the person I didn't really like as more than a friend in the start ended up to be my very first boyfriend...and the very first one who broke my heart.

See how unpredictable life is? Who would've thought that what is happening now and what happened before were all meant to be?

Last night... I started a new diary. It's my nth diary, and soon it will be filled with my experiences and unsaid feelings. Years later, I would read all the entries back, and I will realize for the nth time how unpredictable and funny life is.

Suddenly

Suddenly

I feel better now... suddenly, I just do.

He called last friday at dawn. Had he done it a month ago, I would have felt what I've always felt. I would have been jovial about it. But when he called, for the first time since I can remember, I actually felt numb about it. I didn't feel jubilant or excited, and I didn't feel hurt either.

How can I love while feeling numb at the same time?

I am glad that I'm not hurting that much anymore...but I can feel myself changing into someone who I wasn't before.

Suddenly... I don't know what I really feel anymore.

Another Good Cry

Another Good Cry

I had a good cry last night. Another good cry. I thought I was done crying, but I'm not. But, after that cry, I felt good. So even though I woke up this morning with my eyes aching like crazy and swelling up a bit, I think it's worth it.

Most of my friends advice me to not think of my loneliness. A lot of them tell me, "Don't cry...he's not worth it!" I just wish there would be someone who would allow me to be sad, because I know that all people need to be sad sometimes. If I don't cry now... my pain would just be stuck inside of me longer, and it would make it even harder for me to move on. I just wish they'd let me cry... so little by little, I'll get tired of it...little by little... I'll be able to let go...and little by little...I'll finally be alright.

When will my good cries end? I don't know... but I know someday it will be over. It may take more weeks, even months... but I know this will end.

Songs, memories and a dozen sighs

Song, Memories and a dozen Sighs

"Woke up today, thinking of you...another night and I made my way through. So many dreams still left in my mind, but it can never come true. I press rewind and remember when, I close my eyes and I'm with you again...but in the end, I can still feel the pain, everytime I hear your name...the sun won't shine since you went away, seems like the rain's falling everyday. There's just one heart where there once was two. That's the way it's gotta be...until I get over you.."

Sigh... I woke up this morning and I kept on sighing. I have sung all the heartbreaking songs that I can think of, and then... sigh... When will these sighing moments stop? I was told that when you're carrying a heavy load in your heart, sigh, and things will ease up a bit. I must have sighed about a dozen times, but still I feel the same. What can free me from the weight of this pain? Sigh... sigh... sigh...

EDSA LRT was, as usual, crowded this morning. Thousands of people from different walks of life rushed here and there, some with preoccupied faces...some with far away looks, some with smiling eyes... and lots of sleepy faces.

This Mr. T-square (a guy was carrying this huge t-square) passed by me and his scent came diffusing in the thin, polluted, Manila air. Breathe... and then... sigh... I remembered suddenly... he used to smell that way. I remembered our hiking, when he held my hand. I remembered the cap he borrowed, which, when he gave back, was smelling so good...like that of the scent Mr. T-square had.

Sigh... memories of him keep on haunting me everywhere. I'm not obliged to not think of him...it's just that thinking of him still hurts. Even though we're still together, everything about him just hurts.

What shall I do? For the first time in years, I am realizing that what we had was like a joke that seems true... but it was really true for me... but maybe not for him? Should I let everything go now? I am so unwilling to trust... but I cannot say goodbye.

Sigh... the girl beside me in the computer shop is ranting about tsitsarong bulaklak...
... January 26,2000... LS2K... Rizal Memorial Stadium... HP Plaza... he made me eat it.

Sigh... memories of him... when will this sighing stop?

"When will this river of tears stop falling, where can I run so I won't be alone? Can't walk away when the pain keeps calling, I just gotta take it from here on my own...but it's so hard to let go..."

pathetic sentiments

pathetic sentiments

my friend and i had an oppurtunity to chat through yahoo messenger. We exchanged our hi's and hello's. She told me the changes in her life...she had broken off her relationship with her long time boyfriend. She had found someone better. I am happy for her, I really am. It's just that I couldn't help getting hurt because a similar thing happened to me recently...only, I wasn't the one who had found someone better, he did.

How can he be so weak? I am still asking that question up to now. He said he's sorry, but his apology is not enough to lessen the pain I'm feeling. I couldn't hate him for what he felt... he couldn't have helped it, just like what my friend felt. I couldn't hate them, could I?

We're still together, but I still am sulking in misery, although not obviously. I'm done breaking down in public and crying each night. I just couldn't get through the pain. I just couldn't get over the fact that he fell for someone else. How could he? When I've been loving him like forever? When I've been ignoring those who had try to come between us? When I've been trying hard to forget my loneliness? When I've been waiting for him to come back?How could he be so weak? I've been trying to be strong for him for years...

Pathetic...and I know that it's wrong to feel this way.I just don't have an idea how to stop it.

shoe heel

shoe heel
my feet are tired but i still have the whole day to walk through...
my shoes are wearing out
and still i walk like tomorrow will never come.
i placed my bugglegum between the shoe and the parting sole
and wondered if i could fix my broken heart just as easily.