fading pieces of me

I noticed that's it's been more than two months since I last went home to Muntinlupa... It's been ages since I last visited any part of Laguna... I can't recall the last time I was really eager to be home to be one with whatever atmosphere I had been used to at home...

SIGH... I just realized that I am not the same person I used to be.

I feel like everyday that goes by, I keep forgetting who I am...

The start of the semester had been a bizzare one. Fresh from summer break, I wasn't really sure if I had been heart broken or not. I left everything to chance not knowing what would come.

Almost two months had passed since the semester started.

Unlike before, I take the time to bond with my classmates. Gone are the days when my favorite place on earth was the hammock by our close to dying garden in Muntinlupa.Gone are the days when I was always eager to go home the minute class is dismissed... Tambay moments? I never thought I would see myself having tambay moments with my youthful friends who enjoy their time doing anything and nothing.



Honestly, I feel blessed that I have been given days when I worried about nothing and just laughed like crazy...like tomorrow's never gonna come. I also have new found friends... well, just one, now that I think of it, but still, I feel more attatched to my classmates now than before.



I didn't know there were so many things to enjoy in life. Hahahaha! Sobrang manang ko talaga before, ang dami ko talagang namiss! I am trying to make up for it now by trying out a whole lot of new things.



SIGH... it all feels so surreal... I am actually enjoying my new life. I didn't know I had such a fun-loving side of me. I'd like to think, or so I have realized, that I might not be that boring at all. Hehe... I have learned a lot... not lessons about our nursing subjects... but simply lessons about life that I wasn't able to grasp before. I feel so renewed. I can feel the change deep within me. I am now optimistic, my foolish anxities had lessen, and I feel contented with my life.



I should be happy right? So why am I sensing this lurking gloom somewhere in the recesses of my...what?heart?soul? SIGH... I am not really certain where that gloomy feeling is emanating from. I just feel it.



It's just that... I feel, that everyday that goes by that I allow myself to grow and change... everytime that I get older... I can't help but leave pieces of me behind.



I don't know myself anymore. Looking at myself now, I could see the benefits that the change in me had done, but I could also see the harm it inflicted upon me.



I miss the In-in that I am with ComLec. I miss being Krish with T.A. and I miss being...sigh... I miss being the old writing, crying and singing me.



Maybe I just need to go back home... go back to our real home. Just to remind me of who I really am. I need to see ComLec, I feel the need to serve because I had long forgotten the feeling that I am blessed to have the privilege to do so, and I need to go see T.A. and fool around with them.



Hahaha... or maybe I'm just scared that I'm moving on too fast. I don't wanna leave the people who are dearest to me behind. I don't wanna forget how I used to be, because I think I had like what and who I was... although I'm only realizing it now...



SIGH... again!hehehe...



And him? He made me realize there is more to me than being so idealistic and choosy and serious. Maybe he had to be in my life so that I could realize that I need to take a break, have fun and enjoy my time... I know nothing will come to be. Just like when the sem started, I am still letting things happen...



Just don't wanna wake up one day feeling empty because I left all the pieces of the old me behind... I fear that if I start to embrace the new me, I would start to hurt all over again.

*You are my sweetest downfall...*

terms of endearment

Sigh... ( I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad sigh)...

Okay... because I'd like to think I still have some traces of that bright and shiny spirit, I think that sigh will be... a good sigh. HAY!

It must be the rain... the rain used to make me feel melancholic and in some ways more than one, makes me cathartic. Amidst the feeling of merriment, I can feel this tinge of sadness brought about by who knows what... (reminder: I am happy and I should not dwell on foolish anxieties). Yeah... I'm allowing myself to think of this unidentified feeling for only an hour and I promise not to think of it again. I am happy...don't wanna worry my life away.

It's just that...things are getting crazier. Much as I try not to be amused, the more I get enticed. Hay! You know what sucks? It sucks to find out that I have this little side of me that wants to play around. Hmm...play around? Or is it play safe? It's just like what I reason out to my friends each and everytime... I just don't wanna get frustrated again. I am contradicting myself by saying I don't wanna play around and yet, I am placing myself in a situation that is more complicated than ever... My situation is bordering in a pseudorelationship much to my dismay. Okay, so not really that pseudo-pseudo relationship... arghh! I can't explain what it is!...what we are... All I can say is that I am enjoying things as they are and I am right about scared to take the next step. (there... can't believe this... I admitted my real feelings for two entries in a row now, wah! I am really changing!)

Why the hell am I planning to keep this bottle of (not so unique beverage) with me? Ahahaha! This day had been a blast. My tummy ached like hell, and by the end of the day, I was in the verge of puking. The rain made things even more nostalgic... I can clearly remember the running hours... the pink clothes, the cold room, the certificates, the jacket I borrowed, the warmth... and the terms of endearment? (would it qualify as that?!)

SIGH... I wonder how long I will be able to take this...

What do you think? Was it a good or bad sigh?

...I'm giving myself just an hour, nothing more and nothing less.

pseudorelationship?

I've never been the one to fool around, especially when it comes to a relationship...or love for that matter. I'd like to think my time is too precious to be wasted on games that aren't worth the pain.

I had a realization two weeks ago... I have been making myself suffer because of so many foolish anxieties that's why I feel miserable most of the time. Thanks to wonderwall and yogi bear, I had realized how blessed I am, and how my life means something more than what I'd like to think of it.

I feel like I'm Meredith Grey... in the sense that I am bright and shiny like her. Two weeks ago, after that sentimental moment by the hammock, I promised myself that I would choose to be happy no matter what happens. Yeah... it never really hurt to look at the brighter side of things and I am trying my best to do just that. I found out that being optimistic (and bright and shiny like Meredith) makes everything in life funny and bearable. I had a great time laughing my troubles off...as in sincerely laughing about it. For once in my life, I can attest that I had really felt cheerful. I am happy...because it had been my choice to be happy.

Let go and let God... I am so overwhelmed by His unconditional love. All the hurts I had felt during the summer had suddenly disappeared. I realized that I've got no reason to be sad and that if some things aren't meant to be, I just have to accept that.

Such is the case with him...that dying flicker of him. The last of the embers had been put out and I couldn't ask for anything more. I am contented with the fact that we can talk to each other again, give each other high fives, and make faces at each other like nothing awkward really happened between us. Not even once did we talk about what transpired over the summer. We never talked about our feelings, and I accepted our renewed friendship whole heartedly.

I am guilty that I might have been too friendly lately... that I have made him feel that I am okay with whatever he's good doing at. Maybe I have been riding along too much that even though we don't talk much about our feelings, he had the impression that we still have this understanding.

Bright and shiny Krish is being put to the test. I honestly enjoyed my day spending most of the time with him. He has this arrogant stance that makes me feel majestic in a number of wordless ways... and he surprises me each time. He's snobbish and sweet...just the way I like. I don't know if I should let myself feel him... coz I'd like to think I learned my lesson and that he just isn't the one... but I had fun...and I was happy (so damn hard to be honest to myself...no time for denial now, I am too happy).

Should I stop being too friendly?Or should I go on lavishing the happy feeling? I honestly don't want him to think I'd want things to turn back 'round, because I've already accepted the fact that it's close to impossible... but he isn't doing anything anyway, so I'd like to think I am not fooling around. I am definitely not playing around, I've never been the type to do that...

Sigh... whatever... I am just letting things happen.

It's just really weird... to realize I have felt the warmth, when I should've felt the cold...

No fooling around, promise.