A letter I will never send

 Dear You, 

I am in such low spirits. I couldn't sleep because I am too bothered by what transpired this day. 

I know I shouldn't let my vulnerability get the best of me, but I could really use a friend right now.  I also know that I shouldn't need you...  but needless to say, you were the one I thought of.  I remember you said, I could talk to you whenever I feel down. Who are we kidding? Looking back now, every time that I felt my life was falling apart, you were the cause, or you were never there.  So why need you now?

I only have myself to blame.  The past recent weeks, I let you in my life again.  I knew it was dangerous.  I was so sure of myself, that I am more than okay now... that I could handle it.  I can say that I managed my feelings very well.  It's just that today, things were too much for me to take.  In that past weeks that we've been communicating, it felt like I found a long, lost friend.  We had so much to catch up on.  Although there are many things unresolved between us, I am happy with the life you were able to build... proud of what you've become.  

I remember myself telling you, you shouldn't be needing me.  Now that I am feeling this way... this wanting to vent out to you, I find, that I could identify myself with you.  This must be how you were feeling back then... when you lost your friend and you desperately needed to feel comforted.  

The last time we conversed... you said, unlike me... I have many friends that I can talk to, can open myself up to.  Yes, I have many friends... but you know what... that doesn't mean I can always talk to them about what's bothering me.  In my years of living away from home, most of the time, when I am deeply troubled, I just keep things to myself. I don't want the people around me to absorb my negativity so I shut myself out.  To tell you the truth, I have just gotten so used to being alone... but right now, I feel so alone. Like, I only know myself, and everyone around me are strangers kind of alone.Please don't assume things are so easy for me.  This is how it has been for me for the longest time.  I hurt by myself. Pour out my cries in my prayers so I wouldn't be a burden to someone else.  God only knows how hard I try to hold myself together, for the sake of my sanity.  

Maybe it was a really bad day, but like I said, I could really use a friend right now.  Like most of my days here, I know I have to endure this alone.  You, never being there when I need you, is not something new.  I know deep in my heart that I should not be needing you now.  Please just know that I am grateful for our friendly conversations the past weeks.  My heart felt good that I could see you, and treat you as a friend... after all, you were my best friend for almost seven years.  

I know you to be a person who was never good in dealing with goodbyes... so it was always me, who was saying goodbye.  How many times have I tried?

We probably will not talk with each other again.  Letting you in, must have made it harder for you to figure out what you want in your life.  It was never my intention to confuse you in any way.  I sincerely was not trying to hold a grudge, because with everything happening all over the world, it is making me realize that life is short, so I should start living my life giving kindness, understanding, forgiveness and love.

I still see you in my dreams.  I believe those dreams are God's way of reminding me why we shouldn't be part of each other's lives.  I always see how good your life is without me.  I don't want to take that away from you.  You said it yourself, you're in a good place right now.  Thoughts of me were just bothering you, that is why you were feeling, the way you were feeling. 

Please don't dwell on it anymore.  I always say this because it's true... you have everything that you need.  Don't take the people you love, and who love you, for granted.  Please keep that in your mind and heart.

I know when the night passes, my being weak will come to pass.  It's always like this for me... I would find myself the next day, alive and still breathing.  It's the only thing that matters to me for the past four years... that I am alive everyday.  I may not know why and what for... but that's all that matters.  

I am happy for you.  Please don't confuse yourself with thoughts about me anymore.  I have long accepted, that things between us, can't go back to the way they were before.  Continue building and living your dreams.  I will be rooting for you silently, from far away.  

Funny how after all this time, my heart still aches... although it does not bleed anymore.  I am sorry we turned out this way.  I just know I will never be enough for you.  You don't deserve someone like me, who has given up on herself. 

I guess this time, it really is goodbye.  

Sincerely, 

A stranger from your past.

Paddling in my mind

I am so bored to death.

I am not in the mood to watch any movie or series in Netflix. I just want to paddle and be happy.

Did I not tell you how paddling healed me?

In my world full of entitled people... paddling is the only thing that is probably keeping me sane. Maybe some time, I will share how it helped me mend my broken heart. 😊😊😊

I am ranting because our water trainings are cancelled. We are forbidden... the whole of UAE is taking precaution because of the Novel Corona Virus scare.  All the sports events for the next three months were cancelled. Including all our dragon boat races for the rest of the season.  Well, they used the word "postponed"... we are waiting for the day that they would finally lift the training ban.  We are advised not to hold any large gatherings as well.

I can run, but that's not what my body wants. I want to paddle!!!

SIGH.

I don't think I can live without paddling anymore.  At this point in my life, I am so unsure about everything... my future, my dreams, and my plans. The only thing I am sure of is that I don't want to stop paddling yet.  For the longest time, I don't want to leave this country because it seemed like paddling is the only thing I am living for.

SIGH... these sighs will go on tonight until sleep finally comes and takes me away to dreamland.

I miss how paddling makes me feel tired but very satisfied. I miss my teammates who always make me feel life is not at all that bad (I💖DAMAN). I will lull myself to sleep by watching our water training videos.  The sound of the paddles hitting and digging in the waters have become such a comfort.

So where do I go from here? What will I do when the time comes that I have to give paddling up?

I shudder at the thought. Not yet. I am not yet ready.

NCov please go away, and let all the paddlers play.

Three Sundays and Nine Candles

This is how it goes for me.

I still go to church no matter how hopeless I feel. I found that it is still my best sanctuary. Something about it gives me comfort, even in my being alone. 

My crying days are over, but once in a while, when I would pray, my tears would pour out on their own. I don't know what I truly feel. 

After mass, I would drown in my own world of musings.  Pay three dirhams for three tea candles. 

Offer a prayer for each of them. Hoping against hope God would hear whatever it is my heart desires. Honestly, I don't know anymore. 

Three Sundays had passed, and I stood there not knowing what to say.

Is there anything I should ask for?

I don't think what I have been praying for is what God wants for me.

Is this giving up?  Or shall I call this faith? That despite the uncertainty I feel, I just keep on living, knowing things will get better eventually.

I stopped asking for what I want... because I don't know what I want anymore. I am afraid to ask because I do not trust my choices. 

One candle for all the people I promised I would pray for.

Another candle for all the broken hearted and lost souls trying to find their way home.

One for all I know who are in dire need of physical healing.

Fourth, for all those whom I have hurt.

Fifth, for all those who hurt me.

Sixth, for the people I have taken for granted.

Seventh, for my loved ones. That they may live longer than I.

Eighth, for all those who can't protect themselves from emotional and physical abuse.

Ninth... for those who I care about silently.  That while they feel they need me, I know it's best that I care for them from a distance.

This is how it goes for me.  Each and every time I go to my true sanctuary.  I feel like I don't have the right to ask for myself anymore... because I don't know what I truly want to start with.