Despair

I guess despair, like happiness, could also come like a thief in the night.  It is just so unexpected...

Maybe because it's December and I am away from my loved ones. Or it may be because it's December but in this place I couldn't feel even a tiny spirit of christmas.

Tonight is one of the saddest nights of my life. Today one of the loneliest days too.

I guess I've just been so good with setting my feelings aside for what I think is the greater good. Or maybe all along I am thinking wrongly. Would it be sadder to say that I should be better off alone?

Or maybe these emotions are due to the hormones that are kicking in.

Or maybe because I knew I was right in thinking I'll never belong in any place... not with anyone but me.

All I can do now is pray. All I need is a leap of faith. I used to believe things fall apart for it to fall into place... for it to become a better place. Now I'm not really sure.

Ghost of the past

I am feeling melancholic. 

It was probably because of the book that I just finished reading.  I did not like the way it ended. I found it tragic.  It made me cry in a not so good way. I hate it when that happens.  Now I'm regretting that I pushed myself to finish it. I feel so broken. 

I got off work early and I was by my lonesome all evening.  I had a date with myself.  The "me" time as others would like to call it. 

I got to reflect about my day... how my body felt... what my head thought... how my heart ached...

So I'm blaming the book for my feeling sad. Yeah... it is the book's fault. 

Sometimes what hurt you in the past could go hunting you in the present... and that is what happened to me today.  

I thought I was okay about it a long time ago... but today I admittedly felt fear... and pain.

I just don't know which is worse... someone needing you because they thought no one could love them the way you do... or someone needing you because they have not met enough people to give their love to. I don't know why I'm thinking about these things too.  

That damned book.  It brought back to life a ghost from the not so distant past.  I think it hurts me more now because I feel so alone. It is only now... that I feel the weight of it. How could I ever trust that I am meant to be loved?

I wish tomorrow will be a better day. I hope this sadness will be gone after I wake up. 

Just putting two and two together... no matter how I try to brush things off... why am I hurting now? I was more accepting months ago. This is what distance can do.  I am paranoid as hell. 

I better sleep this feeling away. 

Sleep can probably set me free. 

Monologue

Be still my heart.

You have yet all the time to set free all your desolation
When you and I graze these dry lands.
We'll savor all the pin prickles
Both vast and minute in intensity.
We'll brave the unknown...
Tear glands in check
Frozen hands protected from the heat rapidly turning to cold.

Nothing much I can do for you now.
For the suffering I brought upon you
I humbly apologize.
I will do better in bringing the pieces back together.
It will be alright.
I am afraid too...
But please be still.
I will take care of you.

Let's change our world of empty words
And blinding fallacies.
We will learn how to swallow the bitter truth and be able to live with it...
We will live through it.

And then your wounds will heal.
I will make sure we stop feeling left behind...
I will appreciate the sun more for you.
I will make you smile dear heart.

You and I... we will see a beautiful life.

It's not so bad dear heart...
So please be still.

It is going to be just you and me tonight.
It will be alright... it will be alright.

The waiting game...

Current time: 4 minutes to 6 in the morning,UAE time.

I just watched a shared video in facebook... it was about a dog who fainted with happiness after seeing its owner after two,long years.  The dog was whining with joy. I felt the sincerity of the moment by the lunacy of it all. Two years and the love of the animal for the pet owner never changed. If anything I think the love was proven strengthened.

Naturally, I cried.  The scene awoke a sensitive issue inside of me.

How can dogs be so loyal? I honestly believe the owner could have gone for more than two years and nothing would have changed.  The dog will faithfully wait.  Buti pa ang aso marunong magantay. 

I,myself,feel like I could not wait anymore.  Wait for what,you ask? Wait for my life to fall into place in general.

Starting with the basics, I am waiting for my rest day/s.  Oh to rest my eyes from those blinding laser beams... to be able to assure my nose that I would not smell even a whiff of that doctor whose soul stinks worse than his body odor... to not lay eyes on those people who are making my life so difficult.. to just worry about something else other than agonizing if I still have a scrub suit to wear for work.

I am waiting for sleep to come by.  I feel that I cannot wait anymore to sleep all my troubles away. Thus I write. So that my brain cells' death might not be in vain.

I wait for the day of acceptance... acceptance of yours truly of the fact that I do not always get what I give. That I can only answer to myself.  I can love endlessly but I cannot force someone to love me the same way.

Morning light is streaming through the window. Where are you sleep?

I am waiting for my tears to stop.

I am waiting for the end of ramadan.

I am waiting for the winter season.

I am waiting for the one year mark.

I am waiting for my life to fall into place.

I am waiting for you. So please wait for me too.

Wait for me with kindness and patience.  Wait for me with joy.  Wait for me while appreciating my efforts. Wait for me with love.

Please... my heart chooses to believe you can do so much better than the dog in that viral video.

Time now: 10:33 am, Philippine time.

Nth Epiphany

Sometimes I think the universe is a non living thing which only becomes alive because scientists describe it with a thousands of mind boggling theories.  They even use too many technical terms... and that's how the universe transforms into something that is existent and active.

But really, is the universe as animated as it seems? Most of the time, I think it's just like a boulder.  Standing still, made up of so many components which make it so complex, but it is still a type of rock... non living, and definitely not animated.  

I learned about the law of attraction seven years ago.  I must say it made a difference in my life.  I learned about in a place where I least expected I would learn about it.  It was a pivotal moment.  The whole of the universe conspire to do your bidding.  Positive thinking and words are very powerful... what you think of, is what you attract.  

Basing on the entries this past two years, I kept writing that I felt like living in darkness, i was in a big pause that seemed to never end.   Hopelessness, sadness, desperation, despair, and misery.  Yes, I admit, what I learned seven years ago didn't help me for the last two years.  It just wasn't enough.  

My life is getting a little bit better now. :) Having that said, finally the pause button in my life had been finally "unpressed".  My life is starting to have flow, one small flow at a time. It's better than not being able to move at all, and it's all thanks to my renewed faith.  Yes, the power of the universe cannot be underestimated, but it is only that much powerful because someone far more magnificent created it. :) 

I haven't got much time to explain, I just need to write down what I'm feeling before I forget my train of thought. 

There are just things you can't explain.  Today, I felt the universe is alive again.  It's interesting how things work out even when you don't force it, even when you don't think about it.  I guess it's just how it is when you have a deep rooted connection with God and the universe.  

...

I never knew these three dots would mean so much to me.  It gave so much meaning to my day today.  

Life goes on. :) *blink, blink*

Silver lining

Out of desperation, I googled what silver lining means.  All of the definition that I found said seeing the brighter side of things no matter how dark it may seem.

Well, it is definitely easier said than done.  :(

My world is so dark.  I think I could live by having grey clouds all the time in my life, but this darkness that I am in?  It's a different matter.  It's killing me.

I'm looking back at everything that happened in my thirty years of existence.  I'm wondering what I did so wrong to feel like I'm undergoing some kind of unending punishment.  Or it also may be that I am being overly dramatic.  Mild psychosis probably kicking in.

SIGH.

Facebook drives me crazy.  I'm seriously thinking about having my account deactivated for a while. Maybe it's the only thing that could give me peace right now.  Everyone's just so happy.  Why can't I be like them? I want to be happy too... It just feels like happiness have long evaded me.  Like I could never be happy again.    Is this envy that I feel?  Lord, am I being so evil?  I know I am equally blessed.  Maybe what I have and don't have right now is what I deserve because I have not been that good.

All maybe's.  I thought for every pain, there will also be joy in exchange.  Right now, and it's been years that I'm feeling like this... it seems that all there is in life for me is pain.  Or maybe I am just being so pessimistic and ungrateful.  I just can't stand being lost for so long. I honestly don't know what else to do.  My last flicker of hope is about to die soon.

And sleep also have been hard to come by.

Where are you my silver lining?  Please help me get through... please don't let my hope die.  Please let me see you.  Don't fade away from me.