wake up call

hmm... just when i let myself think about it... BOOM!

I tried arranging some of my stuff and lo and behold! i found my old first aid kit, the one i used way back in health care 1. well, there's nothing left that can tell you it had been a first aid kit.

Thank God i kept some things... they don't hurt me the way they did before, but i still felt an ache. enough to remind me that he gave up on me more than once.

wake up call it was. whatever was i thinking?

"sorry if i forget what you're worth"...

right. that's all it took to take the ache away.

keep running back to you

no matter how i try to change, something about me never leaves. there are just some things about me that i cannot let go of.

like the fact that even though i am so at home with writing my entries in my multiply site, i still feel more comfortable writing my heart out using my original blogspot blog. i'm just pretty sure no one would be reading my entries here but a few of those who really are interested about what's going on with my life. that fact makes this "sharing of random thoughts" more private.

the much awaited/feared review for the local nursing board exam already started this week. before i knew it, the week was over and i have the weekend to relax and enjoy.

i didn't expect it to be so tiring. not to mention, very very stressful and frustrating. first of all, i feel like i've learned nothing from all the years i studied nursing. second, i am so frightened of not meeting my loved ones' expectations of me passing the boards with just one take. it's just that they believe in me so much... i am not sure if deserve their faith. third, i am having a hard time studying. i swear! i am so disappointed at how bad i've become at it.

the moment i get home, i feel like the world is stumbling down on me. i am not that depressed... yet. i am wishing that i will never be. that wouldn't really help, right? i think i've been a bum for too long that having to wake up so early in the morning have become such a burden to me.

SIGH... and here i am sighing that not so good sigh again. i am having such a hard time. i am so afraid.

yet, here i am just standing not so still, but trying very hard to keep going. it is a bit early for giving up.

scared, scared, scared. i am just so scared.

i know i've failed for so many times before, but this would be one possible failure that i don't wanna make. don't know how i would handle it.

i wanna cry, but i'm too tired to do it.

friday afternoon

In an attempt to fix my life, I was very determined to finish the Luzon Tour in just one week.

Last week was not only physically tiring... There were moments when I was close to breaking down because of the panic attacks and all that time I tried sustaining a cool facade. Yeah, some people do make life hard for you. I can attest to that.

I tried getting all my cases signed last week, thus the task I termed "The Luzon Tour". It wasn't pleasurable at all. I had to go to Cavite and Bulacan twice, and the trip to Taal Batangas and back was too costly. I thought I should finish the task as early as possible so as not to cram when the nursing licensure exam draws near. Starting the task with high hopes, I fought all the negativity away. I didn't expect that the way would be easy, but I wanted to think everything would turn out okay in the end. There were numerous times that I found myself in frustrating situations and the last thing I wanted to hear during those trying times are words that would discourage me.

How much pain could I still take? I was disappointed to find out that the person I had faith in was the one who actually brought me down.

I am very sensitive when it comes to my dreams. Sure, I joke about it all the time, but deep inside, I am dead serious about doing my best to make them come true. Being a bum has deeply wounded my self-esteem and that fact alone added up to my never ending list of insecurities. I am desperately trying to fight the feeling off because I know it wouldn't do me any good. Despite of it all (my worries and fears), I still am aware of the fact that I have to go through being a bum first and eventually fulfilling my dreams. Although feeling a little depressed, I am more than hoping that I will become what I want to be.

So what do I do when someone actually says belittling words to me and in doing so, endangered the coming to life of my so called dreams? Is it enough to shove their words away and sleep like nothing happened?

I received hurtful words from a mentor who I thought had a good heart. I was more than offended. It was funny how she came to say all the things she said to me. She made a mistake... put her signature where it wasn't needed, gave me a problem to worry about, and blamed me for being so irresponsible when she had been the one who was careless! TALK ABOUT PROJECTION. That's defense mechanism working at its best. In tones of mockery, she said she could see what kind of a nurse I would be like in the future... HOPEFULLY... if I ever become a nurse. What hit me the most was the degree of certainty in her painfully modulated voice. I let her blab away... I was cramming daw. Inuna ko pa raw ang sarap pagkatapos ng graduation... blah blah blah!. I let her have her say and I stood there ignoring all the urge to cry. Kelangan ko ng pirma niya, sige lang. Pretending my soul wasn't dying of humiliation, I kept a straight face. Maybe my passive look provoked her? WHATEVER. The whole time she was lambasting me in front of some members of the faculty, I was telling myself I will be someone she will never be.

Those words really affected me. I contemplated on it for a few nights. It certainly didn't help uplift my hurting self. After crying it out, and sharing my hurts to my family and some close friends, the hurts lessened. Their words of reassurance are more than enough... and their love mattered more than anything else in the world.

Here are the things I learned after having been toppled down:

1. I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I will be a good nurse because it is my choice, and not because I just want to prove somebody wrong.
2. The opinion of others about me aren't necessarily true.
3. I must never lose faith in myself (as Elle Woods fashionably said it) no matter how people belittle or degrade me.
4. I should never give up on my dreams.
5. After stumbling, I must strive to get up. It doesn't matter how many times I fall... what matters is how many times I tried to stand up again. (Yan na! Ilabas na lahat ng quotes!)

Strange enough, after being down for a few nights, I am feeling much better. I end my entry with these words that I keep telling myself whenever I find myself uncertain about the future...

Things will be better. :)

time running and waiting

Since my friends aren't here yet, I took the liberty to drop by here to do a quick blogging.

We agreed to meet at 9 in the morning but apparently, they didn't take it seriously and deliberately woke up late. hehe... It's okay, really. I don't feel any bitterness, besides, I need this time to be on my own.

I am about to graduate. Twenty more sleeps and I will officially be an ex-student. YES... Finally... I would be able to say I am through with college. Although my parents' expenses for me would not stop there, at least they can be able to remove one child off their tuition fee list. Hehehe... you don't know how much it burdens me that they're still spending too much on me, when I am way, way,way an adult already. I am twenty four years old, instead of being independent (even semi-independent), I am still worthless and totally dependent on my parents.

The truth is, I have no idea what will happen next. The Board Exam seems so far away but I am really frightened about the thought that I have to take it.

Here's the plan...

After graduation, I plan to:

1. Enjoy the life of being a temporary bum ( I fervently pray that it will be temporary).
2. Go to all the shrines that I could go to... ask for all the divine intervention that I need.
3. Learn how to drive.
4. Look for and enroll in a review center.
5. Lose weight by exercising (good luck to me).
6. Catch up with old friends.
7. Serve, serve, serve, serve! (I miss serving in Church!)
8. Arrange the clothes and stuffs in my closet and shelves.
9. Blog and blog and blog all I want.
10. Convince my dad to let me find work perhaps?

SIGH... whatever will be, will be.

I am excited, freaked out... but definitely ready to take on the world.

in good spirits

long time no blog!:)

Right now, I am officially smelling the freshly cut grass in our lawn. Unlike last summer, I had been busy pulling out the weeds manually... this time around, my dad hired some men to mechanically cut the grass.Hehehe... no hard time for me then.

Life had been really busy lately. Seriously, I never thought I'd find myself too busy to even blog. There were nights when I was cursing my frustrations away (only to myself most of the time so as not to affect other people's good mood).

Yeah... I read my last entry here. It had been a tough ordeal. Not so tough, but at that time, I was really having a hard time. NOW, I can confidently say that I am way past that feeling. There isn't any feeling left, hehe.

YES. Mcflirt's DEFINITELY OUT OF MY LIFE. More than three months had passed and I haven't written a single entry about him. He just isn't worth writing about. Harhar! I am even way past getting over him. I've never been so happy.

The busy days helped me get through. Indeed, everything happens for a reason.

Here's to a new me. I am changing... because I need to, and I want to. :)