True love, oh baby...

Trouble is indeed a friend...

When will he realize just how much my feelings has changed from being uncertain to real?

I'm still trying... I won't stop trying...

I'm trying to love myself better in order for me to think that someone could love me better than I love myself.

Yes, I am.

" You don't even have to try,it comes easy for you..."

It was another typical Sunday. The radio was playing, the air around the house was ever humid. It was so coincidental that eddie brickell's song suddenly played. I experienced, yet, another wave of nostalgia. I was suddenly transported back to our old house in Muntinlupa. I remembered the shiny red floors, and the same hot, humid air and the way it made me feel restless. It was Sunday after all. Old songs were being played on the radio, and we wandered about the house... made ourselves comfortable the way we knew how.

"Good times, bad times, gimme some of that."

I remembered all my frosty, morning school bus rides during my sixth year in elementary. The same song played, I sat on my usual place, and day dreamed. Whatever it was that I thought of, I never bothered to write in one of my journals, but I know exactly what that dream was.

" I don't wanna say goodbye, don't wanna walk ya out the door..."

It was incredulous. Didn't know if I wanted to smile or cry. I didn't wanna feel it, but I felt it coming. The familiar pang... of losing something I don't have a name for.

It used to be like that before. Young as I was, I would feel that... that fear that I've always kept to myself.

I felt it the whole day. Even after all these years, I still felt it. It was another painful Sunday for me. I tried helping myself... forced myself to find my happiness. The nostalgic day brought back so much memories of my Sundays and people... that I've lost in one way or another.

"... I spend a little time with you, I want a little more."

No... not even a little... I want so much more. :'( I want so much more... now I feel like crying again.

I cried myself to sleep, because I know no other way. God was telling me something, and I was just nodding and accepting what He has to say. I didn't want to ask... I just felt like saying, Yes, I am... whatever that means... Yes, I am ready even if I am really not.

When I woke up... text messages flooded my phone. Feeling better, and not expecting, I got my early message from God through my friends' forwarded quotes. Three of my friends sent me the same message:

Jesus said, "I come to you not to make you love me, but to let you know that you are worth loving."

I didn't ask, but I got my answer anyway.

So yes, I am. That is all I need to know and feel right now.

SIGH... Yes, I am.

In some unimaginable way, yes, I am. I may not comprehend it now, but I trust God that I will get by somehow.

"Good times, bad times, gimme some of that..."

I can't have it all, can I?

Like I said, it was a typical Sunday. However did I manage to keep a smile on my face despite what I was feeling? Another answer: My family gave me the strength.

So I guess... Yes, I am.

As the song fades away inside my mind, I nestle my pained heart and tell myself it will all be for the best. Just like what I always tell myself when I can't put my burdened soul to rest.