words and meanings

Courting... according to the dictionary, it means to seek the affection of... (I don't have to write all of it down)...

Loneliness...The condition of being lonely; solitude; seclusion

Attraction...the quality of arousing interest; being attractive or something that attracts
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Words and meanings

the dictionary says what these words mean... and still I'm here, baffled and wondering...

Here I am trying to hold everything in.
Saying that I'm confused would be the greatest understatement of all.
I wanna hide, but there's nowhere to go.
I am scared of what lies ahead...
of what my tomorrow will become, I need not know...

Feelings, only I can understand...
will probably be forgotten in the dark,
Why stop myself from flying high?
I just do not want to lose my heart.

So here I am...
just trying to ride with the flow...
Is he worthy enough?
Only time will let me know.

I am used to my loneliness
and maybe it's something he'll never understand...
I have to stop finding words and their meanings,
and let go of these feelings while I still can.

I do not love you_Pablo Neruda

I do not love you... by Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

that this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

wag ako?!

"I finally find you and I collide..." (this is my song of the moment: Collide by Howie Day)

I mean literally...

When was it that I last felt this way? Last sem? That was more of a superficial infatuation that ended as soon as it happened.

Now? I do not like to think of what might be happening with me again. I just wish I am that numb girl I was way back in high school. I feel the need to complicate my life when I could live it in the simplest possible way I can.

What's the reason behind writing this non-directional entry?

I don't know...my mind is as blank as my heart.

I tried updating my diary last night and all I did was stare at the pages. I owe my diary tons of stories about what's happening with my not so good life, and last night, I finally had all the time and I wasted it because I just stared... hahaha!stared at the clock ticking...stared at the dining table with its glistening thai silk cover, stared at the screener up in the ceiling that screeched like crazy, stared at the dark kitchen, stared at my pen... I just stared and stared. I wasn't even thinking!

Or maybe I was thinking too much that I don't remember what I was really thinking of.

Then suddenly, at 1:35 am, I picked up my pen and started scribbling away.

I wrote a poem about him again.

Not as interesting as "Kalabaw ng Buwan"... but I wrote what I really felt.

When was the last time I felt this way? How do I know that I like this guy a lot?

SIGH... this morning I found out... and staring for hours around the house had helped me clear my mind.

I start to really like someone when I start writing poems about him.

And he and I literally collide...hahaha!

Uh-oh... I'm in deep trouble again.

Wish I could be a bird so I can fly, fly, fly away.

mean it when you say it...

"Men are monsters"...

I say that all the time.

Why?

Because they are!

Sigh...they just are.

The one time you think they are not, they end up being monsters just the same.

Sigh... (and it's that not so good sigh again).

SIGH... SIGH... SIGH...

Hahahahaha!

Here's the thing... I never learn. I say men are monsters and I don't take the meaning by heart.

They are monsters... should I befriend monsters? Should monsters be trusted? Should monsters even be cared for?

... I am at lost for words...what's the best thing to say when you don't exactly know if you're angry, frustrated or relieved at the same time?

One more time... I say men are monsters... I don't take the meaning by heart.

Why do I always listen to the nicer side of me? Why do I give in to that little voice inside of me saying, somewhere, somehow, I still got faith in men?!

I could have sworn he was different... or maybe I am just so impatient...

SIGH...

...and I couldn't even look at the stars anymore. I'm too busy to even whisper my hurts to the stars. I miss the night skies and the serenity they make me feel.

I don't take the meaning of the things I say by heart...

Just like when I said I'd have to take things lightly and not invest too much emotions...just like when I said I have to stop the feeling, turn around and walk away...

Just like when I promised I will say goodbye before he even says hello...

Hahaha...

Just like him when he says things that I believe in...

MEAN WHAT YOU SAY MAN...then I could sleep peacefully tonight.

I don't play games...and I don't fool around.