My Picture Story

MY PICTURE STORY




1. A picture of you in your room.

with my sister gel :)

2. A picture of you posing with someone you don't actually like.




well... i didn't exactly not like him, but he was such a pain in the neck that time. so spiteful!

3. A picture with a former crush.




okay, i was not in the picture. I was somewhere on the floor thinking of what to say when our turn to present our progress report comes. This is the closest photo I can find that could qualify as such. Hehe ;)


4. A picture of you very drunk.




correction: i wasn't VERY drunk when this photo was taken... but I remember my friends telling me I was laughing at the most senseless things. I guess I was feeling tipsy? But not drunk. :)

5. A picture of you with a parent or two.




With mom and dad during our oath taking. :)

6. A picture of you on your birthday, or your favorite holiday.




I turned silver and my friends celebrated my birthday eve with me. It was my best birthday ever.


7. A picture of you from your younger years.




hahaha... look at my smile. so mischievous! it was like i was always up to no good. =)


8. A picture of you in one of your favorite outfits.





that's my fave green blouse up there and my favorite yellow jacket below. ;)

9. A picture of you making a goofy face at the camera.




believe me, this is goofy enough for me. haha!

10. A picture you might have edited to make yourself more attractive.




lahat naman ng grad pic ineedit diba?


11. A picture of you and a team or club you're in.




Easter Tradition with ComLec

12. A picture of a night you regret.




How could I forget? :( I nearly jumped over a cliff (metaphorically speaking).


13. A picture of you showing off a new haircut.




I wasn't exactly showing it, but I just had a hair cut when this picture was taken. Was just days fresh from being confined at the hospital.

14. A picture of you truly being yourself.




Dreamer much? :)


15. The most recent picture of you.




:)


16. A picture of you being absolutely ridiculous.




They made me do it! It was so hilarious though. haha!

17. A picture of a time in your life that's over, but you wish it wasn't.




high school life... wish it never ended.


18. A picture of a time in your life that's over, and you couldn't be more thankful that it is.




Last day of november 2008 NLE.


19. A picture with your oldest friend(s).




Forever friends Tropang Adik

20. A picture with your newest friend(s).




New found friends... Red Cross co-trainees

21. A picture of you when you were anything but happy... Even if you were smiling and did your best to hide it.




:(... was wishing I was a bird so I could fly, fly away.

22. A picture of you that you had no idea was being taken.




I love it. :)

23. A picture of you when you were a different person than you are now.




Yeah... I wasn't as bitter as I am now.

24. A picture of you in a fashion "DON'T."




I clearly instructed jett not to take a picture of me showing my face. He tried defying me and I ended up hiding under my umbrella.

25. A picture of you in a swimsuit - whether you love it or loathe it.




Palawan, May 2009


26. A picture of you taking a shot / chugging a beer / downing some sort of mixed drink.





This is the closest photo I can find. :)

27. A picture of yourself that you hate.




I was so weak... I vowed never to feel as pathetic as I was feeling when this photo was taken.

28. A picture of you with someone you love.




Sandwiched between Yogi Bear and Wonderwall


29. A picture of how you'd like the world to see you.




Breaking away...

30. A picture that describes how you'd like to spend every day.




Just reflecting and dreaming.

31. A picture of a time when everything was changing.





Yeah... things were changing. ;) I was getting over lots of things that made my heart ache. :D


32. A picture that makes your heart hurt.




Awwww... every little bit hurt. :'(

33. A picture that makes your heart smile.




I know... it is also my most recent picture. Well, it makes me smile, so what?!

34. A picture of one of the best nights/days of your life.





T.A. nights are always the best. :)

nosy, paranoid, feeler that he is

Okay... so I probably went overly dramatic these past few days. I'm really starting to think July is a cursed month. I am tired of blaming everything on the hormones. I am not using it as an excuse this time.

I'm reflecting on the slight mishaps that happened this week. I am silently scolding myself for trying to be too hard when I only needed to be strong.

Months ago, I would've probably punished myself for feeling this way... you know, in total abandon of what everyone might think about me loving him this way... but now, I simply do not care. I am not dealing with maybe's here... because what I just wrote is real. I keep on saying I do not play around, so that's the fact that everyone around me has to face.

I guess I got too consumed with the cynical way of thinking that some of my trusted friends have. Somehow it got to me... and I let it get the best of me. A foolish mistake I am vehemently avoiding from now on.

I am changing... in a funny way that I never expected.

All because of the nosy, paranoid, feeler person that he is.

I'm so lovin' it. :)

Tired of loving him...

"Have you ever felt like you were tired of loving?"

An old friend had asked me.

I thought of all the times that I felt that way. I guess at one major point in my life I got tired of loving someone. The number of times I used the word "tiring, tired, tiresome" in my entries just to say that I was tired... but I never learned. The "tiring" tirade continued because I let it. I just didn't know when to let go. I kept losing in my silent wars because I let myself lose. In one way or another, I was just plain tired, so I went ahead, and allowed myself to die.

"Kilala kita... you dont' ask for too much. You can't blame us for trying to protect you because we don't want to see such a nice person like you getting hurt."

Another great friend recently told me that. I swear I almost cried when he said that.

I know right?! Or more like I don't know. Am I really?

Am I in another quiet battle?

Didn't I say I hate waiting? That I hate hanging by the moment.... because it's painful?

If waiting is painful, then I should stop waiting. If I am starting to feel tired, then I should take a rest.

Easier said than done. :'(

... because I wait for the people I love, and I pathetically, if not willing, then am most certainly ready to lose for them.

I don't know which is hurting more... my pride or my heart?

:'(

when it strikes...

when it strikes...

it doesn't matter if you're prepared or not. it's something you cannot fight.

it's something i wasn't able to fight.

SIGH... it struck.

I let it hit me.

I bagged happiness. haha!

Huh? ;)

now and then

*right now, face to face, all my fears, pushed aside... right now, I'm ready to spend the rest of my life, with you.* - crazy for this girl, evan and jaron

There's no turning back...

It's not like I want to turn back in the first place. I knew that when I felt like saying those words back, I was ready. Or so I thought. hehe.

SIGHing a happy, wondering sigh. Hahahaha! Finally, finally, finally... ;)

Here are the things that I'm missing:

• waking up without having to argue with myself if i should text first or not. (was always resigned not to text first)
  
• dedicating the cards i read to my non-existent special someone (it gives me the feeling of being in a natural high thinking that someday i might find someone who'd be worthy enough to be given those cards to.hopeless romantic i am!)
• thinking of only me... and me... and me... and just me... haha! selfish?!
• staying up late at night talking to myself, reflecting and dreaming by myself, and laughing and crying only to myself.
  
• not having to say the way i feel because i am not obliged to and nobody cares what i really think. (i am so fine with that)

Things I have to live with now:

• texting and pestering him anytime i feel like it with hesitation. (sorry, naninibago pa ko. cut me some slack!)
  
• giving the cheesiest cards i could find. (hahahaha!)
• thinking of me, him, me and him, and me with him. (dalawa naman, at least nag improve na, hindi lang puro sarili!)
• staying up late at night talking with him, reflecting, arguing and debating with him, dreaming with him, and laughing and simply feeling sad with him.
  
• the hardest thing: not being able to use the words "wala lang", "ewan", " hindi ko alam", "basta", and "secret" as answers to the most mind boggling and senseless questions of his.

The things that I'm missing... that's all they are. Missed...

The things that I have to live with right now... are better than those that I'm missing.

So when I said there's no turning back...

I really meant it.

*I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else but here...*

in danger

"Remember when you said that you would change? ... Don't let me down..."

Wasn't it two summers ago when I can identify myself with Gwen Stefani's 4 in the morning?... That particular line hitting me right through the heart. I remember having to spend a few days at MCM delivery room for completion duty. I was content but not expecting. Then I'd go home late at night, dad would pick me up, and that song would play on the radio, and I would think of him. The tiring story went on and on.

SIGH... scary sigh this time.

I don't know what's with him. I don't know why I believe in him so much. Even before when I accepted the fact that he'll never be the man I almost want him to be with me, I never stopped believing he could change.

I know that there are some truths that I can only feel inside my heart. Maybe I do have a gift of seeing the better side of people despite their monstrosity. I have been warned that if I keep on being like this, I would end up hating the world.

There are no words for this. Time and again, I have heard people say that to explain something that they cannot explain. Now, I find myself saying the same thing.

There are no words for this.

All I know is that, I'm feeling the same feeling I felt before. Hopeful... and still not expecting.

SIGH... how selfless could I still be? I thought I have nothing left to give.

"And all I know is, you've got to give me everything, and nothing less coz you know I'd give you all of me."

choking up on my words

"Heaven knows, I'm head over heels and it shows. I played every field I suppose."

What does playin' every field means for me?

• being truthful about what I feel
• sharing a part of myself even though I have long forgotten how
• lowering my pride and humbling myself in the process
• allowing myself to be happy and trusting

I know it may not be much... but all of that entailed effort for a person like me who likes to keep my real feelings to myself.

Here's the thing... I am bittersweetly choking up on all the words I said. I had to follow my heart again... my ever dysfunctional heart! Now, I'm swallowing everything that I pronounced... both well and ill feelings, all the periods, commas, question marks and exclamation points... even the sighs! I am gobbling them up as fast as I could just so I could get it done and over with.

It's liberating and hurting at the same time.

Much as I like to put and end to this, I just can't. As far as I am concerned, what is happening now is far from being over.

The only way out of it is through it. There's just no turning back.

Oh... I didn't know I have a thing for boldly facing bedlams. I could be in for another great downfall and here I am, audacious and adamant.

And it's all because I wanna save myself from all the what ifs again.

I am so holding on tight... thought I was getting trampled by a dozen horses. Now I see I am being stepped on by hundreds.

Oh well... There's still tomorrow. I'll keep on trying and trying again to make things right. :'( Gotta stand by the decision I made.

at the time

You know that feeling when you know you are needed but you won't be needed for too long?

I am feeling that again. It's always like this when I am happy.

SIGH... 'di bale na. At least I get to be happy once in a while. At least hindi lang puro kamanhidan nararamdaman ko diba?

So I'm like playing my part again... It's like the silent guardian of the charcoal tower all over again. I have to be devoid of feelings soon and just satisfy myself with looking from afar.

People always leave... and I let them. :(

trampled

Feeling eager, I forced myself not to look but I did. There was nothing. I told myself time and again... I just could not get enough. I had to be sure.

Then I felt it. Stomach spasms again!

In deep water? Quicksand?

Nope... but I've been in both.

More like being trampled by a dozen horses.

Will I ever get out alive?

I am inside my casket though. :) I just might make it.

Growing Up

Warning: medyo long entry. drama moment e.

This morning, over breakfast, my brother was telling me the highlights of his week at school. (He took the last exam of the quarter yesterday thus, he felt free as a bird. He was so ready to slack around and get lazy!)

I noticed that his voice sounded different. It was so LOW... I wondered when the changing of his voice started. It was like I didn't take the time to notice. Or I just thought I knew him too much that a change of note in his voice didn't bother me that much, but this morning, it caught my attention. Then when he stood up to replenish his glass with water, I took note of his sky rocketing height(okay, so that's exaggerated).

It was after noticing the change in my brother that I started thinking of my other siblings as well. Gel-gel sat beside me, looking sulky, feeling like she's forcing herself to move and hating the thought that she still had to go to school. From being my little, kikay, sister, she has become a little lady. All by myself, I marveled at her maturity at such an age (she's seventeen now), and I was convinced that she was a 22 year old trapped in a body of a 17 year old. Gone are the days when I used to freshen her up like a doll. She's even more fashionable than me!

Then I thought of Zsa-zsa... I used to call her my most immature sibling. Now struggling with school, my sister next to me, would be, hopefully, graduating soon. Although immature, we all call her, I had seen the improvement with her once naive thoughts. Even she was growing... and she was even better at growing than I was. Zsa-zsa can be more reliable when it comes to budgeting and the accounting stuffs. I am older than her, but I would wash my hands off that responsibility the moment I get the chance. Hehe. (come to think of it, parang mas immature pa ko!)

Then, I thought of ate Lara. For the last two weeks I kept mentioning that I was missing her. (Naiiyak ako.. kase miss ko na talaga sya. 'Di ko lam kung bakit.) She just got married. Before the wedding took place, I think letting go of her was as hard for me as it was for my dad. I know she's still my sister, and every time she comes here for a visit, it feels like nothing has changed... but little by little, I can feel something's changing. Maybe I'll write about it next time. One time, she went here wearing her new ID. It said her name was Lara T. Beato. I remember commenting to myself how ugly her name had become. Haha! I was just so used to seeing it as Lara Tedor. It was odd not seing the "TEDOR" anymore. Somehow, it brought a pang in my heart.

I thought of how we were. My siblings and I... when life was younger. My sisters and I all slept in the same room. We had two double decks facing each other. There were many nights before going to sleep that we'd have last minute gossips that would last for hours sometimes. We'd take a peek at who ever was speaking, even in the dark we thought we could see each others' faces well. (more tears, kakamiss!) Lahat ng galaw ng isa't isa mararamdaman mo kase nagiingay yung mga kama! :D

Every thing's so different now. Ate Lang's married... Zsa's always in Diliman. Gel always has a world of her own and Jett is so stubborn. My sisters and I don't sleep on the double decks anymore. We don't get complete during friday nights anymore. I used to feel content just having them around me...

With ate Lang married and all, I now take the responsibility of being the eldest daughter. Well, she will always be the eldest, but she doesn't live with us anymore, so I'm like the acting eldest child. I SUCK AT IT. I don't know how she did it all those years... being the eldest, and always knowing what to do, being so rational ever, being authoritative and assertive... I'm havin' a hard time. I hate it when dad reprimands me because of jett's carelessness. I hate myself for helping my sisters ask for dad's permission to go out on parties and the likes (I can't help fighting for the fun they want to have coz I felt deprived of it for so long and I don't want them to feel what I felt), in turn, I become accountable for all their actions. If they don't go home on time, ako lagot. ANG HIRAP. Ako lagi tinatanong.

Ganito pala feeling... but I know I will never experience half of what ate Lang experienced when she was still OUR guardian ate. I will never be like her. I'll never be as great. But that's not the point of this whole entry.

I just miss the way things are before. I just feel like life's moving on too fast. I know this is how it is when it comes to growing up.

I am happy with all that we have achieved... but I am also sad because we will forever be missing out on the things we used to do before. I wanna keep them forever with me... and I feel so helpless knowing too well that I cannot.

Sana hindi na lang kami lumaki. :(

when will it be me?

i don't know what to say first... is there really something to say?

i wanna make things happen instead of letting things be.

does life have to be so complicated for me to be happy?

here i am again. i just want to sleep and never wake up.

ang bigat. 'di ko lam kung bakit.

i don't wanna lose faith. i'm just tired of life saying "NO" to my desires. i don't know what to like anymore. lahat na lang ng gusto ko parang ayaw ni God para sa'kin.

i am so lost. :'(

scared of feeling happy

It was odd.

I slept late, woke up after only three hours of sleep... and I felt good.

Good? Actually, good is an understatement. I was feeling happy.

I stopped believing in letting things happen. Just when I lost my faith in that, things started happening and I am surprisingly liking it.

It's different this time. I felt light.... calm and content. I was happy and there was no added stress to cross it out like before.

It's all good right? ... but I feel like stopping myself from being too enthused...

...because more than anything, I am scared that this kind of happiness might turn out to be short lived again.

*could it be i'm suffering, because i'll never give in?*

bitter gourde

I had them for breakfast...

All the bitterness spilled in my mouth. I could smell it... I could see in my mind its green color dissolving around my tongue. like poison, i could only grimace while i savor all its taste.

for a few minutes there, i could have thought eating it was pure torture... but in my mind, i know it will be good for me.

just like letting you go. so bittersweet... but definitely right for me.

And I feel lucky to know it. :)

good intentions

SIGH... don't know what kind of sigh that was.

I just have this heavy feeling within me... because I did something that I know is right. Just the same, I feel sorry and bad.

Despite all my bitterness to those who hurt me, I never had any intentions of hurting them back.... revenge isn't a good thing as I've always known. Besides, I believe in karma... I always leave it to God to give people what they deserve.

So this is how it feels like... I feel really awful. I'm so used to being hurt but getting someone hurt by me is something new to me. Not a good feeling at all.

This is how things have to be. I don't know if I should believe him or not, but up to the last minutes of all honesty ( I suppose), I felt he was telling the truth and I felt like crying with him. There was nothing I could do. I could go on being giving and patient but I would only be lying to myself... and I don't wanna live in a lie.

I hate myself for being a little nice. I can't help but care... even for those who have hurt me. I don't care if they deserve getting hurt too... I just hate playing the destroyer part.

I just feel really bad... then again, we all have to move forward right?

I sincerely hope he moves forward too... like what I did when he left me hanging by the moment.

ang kahulugan

Ang hirap ng may inaantay. Yun bang 'di mo alam kung kelan talaga darating... kung anong araw at kung anong oras.

Hindi naman sa pinangakuan ako... pero sinabi lang. Sabi sabi lang. Sapat na ba yon? Na maniwala ako sa sabi lang? Kapag ipinangako ba, iba mararamdaman ko tungkol sa pagaantay? Siguro. Kase pag may kasamang pangako, may panghahawakan ako. Hindi gaya nitong wala, hindi ko malaman ang dapat gawin. Kung dapat bang 'wag na lang ako maniwala, o umasa akong darating nga.

Mahirap kase yung pabigla bigla. Yun ngang alam mo kung kelan eksaktong darating, kakabahan ka pa e. Lalo naman yung biglaan. Masakit sa puso. Sa pagkakataong ito, ayaw ko mabigla. Gusto kong maging handa.

Ang dami ko kaseng inaantay. Hindi nauubos. Nakakapagod. Nakakatakot.

Wala naman akong magawa kundi mag-antay pa rin. Kainis.

friends and heartaches

my mom was browsing through the channels late last night. she came upon the movie "separada" which starred maricel soriano and edu manzano. as it turned out, instead of sleeping early as planned, mom and i ended up sleeping at around 1 in the morning. we got so hooked!

the movie made me realize the value of true friends and how made up my mind is when it comes to dealing with all the "monsters" in my life. (those who know me well would know what i meant by monsters.hehe). maricel was an ordinary wife, with all the humane imperfections and edu was the jerky husband who cheated on her. he left his family to be with his very demanding mistress. i was so affected! if i were to meet a girl like that, i swear i would have to give her a slap in the face! hehe... like i said, i was super affected!

i tried hard to prevent myself from ranting and using all the bad words i was thinking of because i was watching with my mom. (well, i should try harder next time, i couldn't resist expressing nasty side comments.sorry, tao lang.) as the story went on, i couldn't help thinking about my own experiences with monsters as well. i don't need to be married to know how painful it is to be cheated on. i kept only to myself, the things i would do if i am to be placed in maricel's situation, and all the things i would say... and surprisingly, she said all the things i had in mind! i could also relate to the way she dealt with her broken heart. she turned to her friends, who, although had problems of their own, found ways to laugh her problems off. minus all the drinking, i have gotten over a heartbreak that way too. it made me realize how important real friends are. (i thought of T.A. and all the times that i became thankful i was born because i got to know them).

it was amusing... to see myself in someone else's face no matter how different our personalities and roles in life are. in a way, some of my friends' silly questions were answered. to the question, "would you give your ex-boyfriend another chance?"... answer: NO. he can't just leave me for someone else and come back anytime he feels like it. haha. i've never been so sure about it, but after last night, i was 1000% sure. it felt great! and once again, i've realized how wonderful life is because of my friends who shared all my pain. giving them my thanks wouldn't be enough to show how lucky i am to have them.

because i was once again inspired by my forever friends who helped me get through so many heartaches, i wanna share a wonderful quote about the therapeutic value of friends...

"as long as there are good friends who tap your back for all the cute and sweet concerns, heartbreak will just be an ant bite. "

true enough. that's why i am here...still single for more than three years, but not feeling lonely, happy just to be with me, content to be surrounded by the ones i love and by those who love me. :)

*love you t.a.! sa mga maaasim, comlec, wonderwall, gape, bea, hannah and mark, aizzicles and my family... thank you for making my life meaningful.lahat ng monsters sa mundo kaya kong talikuran basta nasa tabi ko kayo.*

wake up call

hmm... just when i let myself think about it... BOOM!

I tried arranging some of my stuff and lo and behold! i found my old first aid kit, the one i used way back in health care 1. well, there's nothing left that can tell you it had been a first aid kit.

Thank God i kept some things... they don't hurt me the way they did before, but i still felt an ache. enough to remind me that he gave up on me more than once.

wake up call it was. whatever was i thinking?

"sorry if i forget what you're worth"...

right. that's all it took to take the ache away.

keep running back to you

no matter how i try to change, something about me never leaves. there are just some things about me that i cannot let go of.

like the fact that even though i am so at home with writing my entries in my multiply site, i still feel more comfortable writing my heart out using my original blogspot blog. i'm just pretty sure no one would be reading my entries here but a few of those who really are interested about what's going on with my life. that fact makes this "sharing of random thoughts" more private.

the much awaited/feared review for the local nursing board exam already started this week. before i knew it, the week was over and i have the weekend to relax and enjoy.

i didn't expect it to be so tiring. not to mention, very very stressful and frustrating. first of all, i feel like i've learned nothing from all the years i studied nursing. second, i am so frightened of not meeting my loved ones' expectations of me passing the boards with just one take. it's just that they believe in me so much... i am not sure if deserve their faith. third, i am having a hard time studying. i swear! i am so disappointed at how bad i've become at it.

the moment i get home, i feel like the world is stumbling down on me. i am not that depressed... yet. i am wishing that i will never be. that wouldn't really help, right? i think i've been a bum for too long that having to wake up so early in the morning have become such a burden to me.

SIGH... and here i am sighing that not so good sigh again. i am having such a hard time. i am so afraid.

yet, here i am just standing not so still, but trying very hard to keep going. it is a bit early for giving up.

scared, scared, scared. i am just so scared.

i know i've failed for so many times before, but this would be one possible failure that i don't wanna make. don't know how i would handle it.

i wanna cry, but i'm too tired to do it.

friday afternoon

In an attempt to fix my life, I was very determined to finish the Luzon Tour in just one week.

Last week was not only physically tiring... There were moments when I was close to breaking down because of the panic attacks and all that time I tried sustaining a cool facade. Yeah, some people do make life hard for you. I can attest to that.

I tried getting all my cases signed last week, thus the task I termed "The Luzon Tour". It wasn't pleasurable at all. I had to go to Cavite and Bulacan twice, and the trip to Taal Batangas and back was too costly. I thought I should finish the task as early as possible so as not to cram when the nursing licensure exam draws near. Starting the task with high hopes, I fought all the negativity away. I didn't expect that the way would be easy, but I wanted to think everything would turn out okay in the end. There were numerous times that I found myself in frustrating situations and the last thing I wanted to hear during those trying times are words that would discourage me.

How much pain could I still take? I was disappointed to find out that the person I had faith in was the one who actually brought me down.

I am very sensitive when it comes to my dreams. Sure, I joke about it all the time, but deep inside, I am dead serious about doing my best to make them come true. Being a bum has deeply wounded my self-esteem and that fact alone added up to my never ending list of insecurities. I am desperately trying to fight the feeling off because I know it wouldn't do me any good. Despite of it all (my worries and fears), I still am aware of the fact that I have to go through being a bum first and eventually fulfilling my dreams. Although feeling a little depressed, I am more than hoping that I will become what I want to be.

So what do I do when someone actually says belittling words to me and in doing so, endangered the coming to life of my so called dreams? Is it enough to shove their words away and sleep like nothing happened?

I received hurtful words from a mentor who I thought had a good heart. I was more than offended. It was funny how she came to say all the things she said to me. She made a mistake... put her signature where it wasn't needed, gave me a problem to worry about, and blamed me for being so irresponsible when she had been the one who was careless! TALK ABOUT PROJECTION. That's defense mechanism working at its best. In tones of mockery, she said she could see what kind of a nurse I would be like in the future... HOPEFULLY... if I ever become a nurse. What hit me the most was the degree of certainty in her painfully modulated voice. I let her blab away... I was cramming daw. Inuna ko pa raw ang sarap pagkatapos ng graduation... blah blah blah!. I let her have her say and I stood there ignoring all the urge to cry. Kelangan ko ng pirma niya, sige lang. Pretending my soul wasn't dying of humiliation, I kept a straight face. Maybe my passive look provoked her? WHATEVER. The whole time she was lambasting me in front of some members of the faculty, I was telling myself I will be someone she will never be.

Those words really affected me. I contemplated on it for a few nights. It certainly didn't help uplift my hurting self. After crying it out, and sharing my hurts to my family and some close friends, the hurts lessened. Their words of reassurance are more than enough... and their love mattered more than anything else in the world.

Here are the things I learned after having been toppled down:

1. I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I will be a good nurse because it is my choice, and not because I just want to prove somebody wrong.
2. The opinion of others about me aren't necessarily true.
3. I must never lose faith in myself (as Elle Woods fashionably said it) no matter how people belittle or degrade me.
4. I should never give up on my dreams.
5. After stumbling, I must strive to get up. It doesn't matter how many times I fall... what matters is how many times I tried to stand up again. (Yan na! Ilabas na lahat ng quotes!)

Strange enough, after being down for a few nights, I am feeling much better. I end my entry with these words that I keep telling myself whenever I find myself uncertain about the future...

Things will be better. :)

time running and waiting

Since my friends aren't here yet, I took the liberty to drop by here to do a quick blogging.

We agreed to meet at 9 in the morning but apparently, they didn't take it seriously and deliberately woke up late. hehe... It's okay, really. I don't feel any bitterness, besides, I need this time to be on my own.

I am about to graduate. Twenty more sleeps and I will officially be an ex-student. YES... Finally... I would be able to say I am through with college. Although my parents' expenses for me would not stop there, at least they can be able to remove one child off their tuition fee list. Hehehe... you don't know how much it burdens me that they're still spending too much on me, when I am way, way,way an adult already. I am twenty four years old, instead of being independent (even semi-independent), I am still worthless and totally dependent on my parents.

The truth is, I have no idea what will happen next. The Board Exam seems so far away but I am really frightened about the thought that I have to take it.

Here's the plan...

After graduation, I plan to:

1. Enjoy the life of being a temporary bum ( I fervently pray that it will be temporary).
2. Go to all the shrines that I could go to... ask for all the divine intervention that I need.
3. Learn how to drive.
4. Look for and enroll in a review center.
5. Lose weight by exercising (good luck to me).
6. Catch up with old friends.
7. Serve, serve, serve, serve! (I miss serving in Church!)
8. Arrange the clothes and stuffs in my closet and shelves.
9. Blog and blog and blog all I want.
10. Convince my dad to let me find work perhaps?

SIGH... whatever will be, will be.

I am excited, freaked out... but definitely ready to take on the world.

in good spirits

long time no blog!:)

Right now, I am officially smelling the freshly cut grass in our lawn. Unlike last summer, I had been busy pulling out the weeds manually... this time around, my dad hired some men to mechanically cut the grass.Hehehe... no hard time for me then.

Life had been really busy lately. Seriously, I never thought I'd find myself too busy to even blog. There were nights when I was cursing my frustrations away (only to myself most of the time so as not to affect other people's good mood).

Yeah... I read my last entry here. It had been a tough ordeal. Not so tough, but at that time, I was really having a hard time. NOW, I can confidently say that I am way past that feeling. There isn't any feeling left, hehe.

YES. Mcflirt's DEFINITELY OUT OF MY LIFE. More than three months had passed and I haven't written a single entry about him. He just isn't worth writing about. Harhar! I am even way past getting over him. I've never been so happy.

The busy days helped me get through. Indeed, everything happens for a reason.

Here's to a new me. I am changing... because I need to, and I want to. :)

letting go

Hay... kaya ko pa naman...

I'm still hanging on, and I can see the light, little by little.

I'm learning how to close all my doors, and I am starting to finally turn my back.

I STILL RECALL THE WORDS YOU SAID TO ME...

"I'm not going to hurt you this time... This time, I will be more serious. Hindi ko sasayangin ang chance...Wag kang mawawala..."

IT'S WHAT YOU DID NOT SAY THAT SETS ME FREE...

"...hindi ko alam... ang alam ko hindi pa tayo nakasira na 'ko ng pangako..."

Conversations...

...just letting it slip by my head probably for the last time. Let's just say this is my way of really saying goodbye. It's best doing things the way I see fit.

The week had been really stressful. Aside from the fact that we had duties after lecture, I had to deal with something that really tried my patience... fiercely taught my eyes how to not cry and see... and bitterly taught my heart how to feel nothing.

The sleepless nights I spent during our sem-break?... I made up for it by sleeping my nights away. I slept, and slept, and slept. I slept early and woke up late. Hehe, I'd like to think I slept all my frustrations away.

SIGH... yeah, weary I am. Last night, I was to study for our maternal and child nursing comprehensive exam but I slept right after I ate dinner. I was just really tired. Lately, sleep had been my only relief to life's pain.

I wasn't able to study. I slept on. I woke up early at dawn... and looked up the stars instead. They were shining bright, and it's been ages since I last saw them here at the Bonifacio sky. I missed them badly... then, something hit me.

AND I WON'T LOOK BACK, AND I WON'T REGRET... SOMEDAY I WILL FORGET.

I went to the kitchen and prepared the things I needed. Got that thing which had been lying around for nothing...

THIS IS LETTING GO... THIS IS LETTING GO...

candles and matches...

and along with my deep sighs, and together with the endless twinkling of the stars...

I silently watched the smoke fly away from where it came from. The flames subtly consumed the thing... and I watched and felt him melt away.

THIS IS LETTING GO . THIS IS LETTING GO.

Yeah. It felt good.

*song of the moment: letting go by Sozzi... super nakakarelate sa lyrics...*

slaps and blows

the blows keep on coming...

If this aren't clear signs, then I don't know what they are.

Yeah... I asked for it, and I got it.

Thank You's:

1. Thank God for letting me see the signs.
2. Thank God I felt the blows and slaps.
3. Thank God for letting me see the light.
4. Thank God I still have my heart with me.
5. Thank God I can still forgive.
6. Thank God I still have the courage to stand up again after tripping over.
7. Thank God for trying to heal my soul that just nearly died of humiliation.
8. Thank God I have friends to share my laughter and frustrations with.
9. Thank God for not making me fall so deep.
10. Thank God I still find reasons to be greatful and gracious when I have all the right to be bitter.

This is me... really getting tired, but trying to get on my feet after a disheartening fall.

Soon, I'll find, that everything that happened has a magical reason.

I'm keeping my faith...

That I will once again achieve that magical feeling... after I find out why he isn't meant for me.

string of words

just a phase... that will probably never end... it's always like this... never had the skill to make it through the bend...

i grasp what is left... nothing there but the things i can no longer hide... what wounds are there, with unknown depths... and the worsening misery inside...

undaunted...yet helpless...

courageous... but weary...

trying to be real... but being pretentious...

what is there left that is real?

pinakamalaking pagsubok sa buhay ko

pinakamahirap para sa kin?

tanggapin ang katotohanang nahuhulog na nga ako...

na kahit anong gawin ko para mamuhay ng kontento, meron pa ring darating para guluhin hindi lamang ang isip ko kundi pati na rin ang puso ko.

na kahit lahat ginawa ko na para manalo sa mga giyerang nilalabanan ko, paminsan kailangan kong tumanggap ng pagkatalo.

na kahit sabihin kong wala nararamdaman ko namang meron.

na kahit sabihin ko ayos lang naman talaga ko at pabayaan na lang ng iba, e kabaligtaran naman talaga ang gusto ko sabihin...

mahirap talaga...

pati nga pagsulat nito mahirap din.

wake up call

It's really getting late, but I have to do this very very quick blogging...

I am thankful for all the times that I realize my mistakes, and I am thankful for the strength to stand up where I tripped over.

I am letting go.
Seriously.
I am closing my doors for good.
The number of times He told me, "My dear, he isn't the one"....
the number of times I tried to refute what He had been telling me.
The number of times I cried after realizing that He's always right.

Forgive me once again Lord... I long to be held in Your arms. Embrace mo once again and make me feel Your overwhelming love that I desperately need...

I know that it's only You that can set me free.

fading pieces of me

I noticed that's it's been more than two months since I last went home to Muntinlupa... It's been ages since I last visited any part of Laguna... I can't recall the last time I was really eager to be home to be one with whatever atmosphere I had been used to at home...

SIGH... I just realized that I am not the same person I used to be.

I feel like everyday that goes by, I keep forgetting who I am...

The start of the semester had been a bizzare one. Fresh from summer break, I wasn't really sure if I had been heart broken or not. I left everything to chance not knowing what would come.

Almost two months had passed since the semester started.

Unlike before, I take the time to bond with my classmates. Gone are the days when my favorite place on earth was the hammock by our close to dying garden in Muntinlupa.Gone are the days when I was always eager to go home the minute class is dismissed... Tambay moments? I never thought I would see myself having tambay moments with my youthful friends who enjoy their time doing anything and nothing.



Honestly, I feel blessed that I have been given days when I worried about nothing and just laughed like crazy...like tomorrow's never gonna come. I also have new found friends... well, just one, now that I think of it, but still, I feel more attatched to my classmates now than before.



I didn't know there were so many things to enjoy in life. Hahahaha! Sobrang manang ko talaga before, ang dami ko talagang namiss! I am trying to make up for it now by trying out a whole lot of new things.



SIGH... it all feels so surreal... I am actually enjoying my new life. I didn't know I had such a fun-loving side of me. I'd like to think, or so I have realized, that I might not be that boring at all. Hehe... I have learned a lot... not lessons about our nursing subjects... but simply lessons about life that I wasn't able to grasp before. I feel so renewed. I can feel the change deep within me. I am now optimistic, my foolish anxities had lessen, and I feel contented with my life.



I should be happy right? So why am I sensing this lurking gloom somewhere in the recesses of my...what?heart?soul? SIGH... I am not really certain where that gloomy feeling is emanating from. I just feel it.



It's just that... I feel, that everyday that goes by that I allow myself to grow and change... everytime that I get older... I can't help but leave pieces of me behind.



I don't know myself anymore. Looking at myself now, I could see the benefits that the change in me had done, but I could also see the harm it inflicted upon me.



I miss the In-in that I am with ComLec. I miss being Krish with T.A. and I miss being...sigh... I miss being the old writing, crying and singing me.



Maybe I just need to go back home... go back to our real home. Just to remind me of who I really am. I need to see ComLec, I feel the need to serve because I had long forgotten the feeling that I am blessed to have the privilege to do so, and I need to go see T.A. and fool around with them.



Hahaha... or maybe I'm just scared that I'm moving on too fast. I don't wanna leave the people who are dearest to me behind. I don't wanna forget how I used to be, because I think I had like what and who I was... although I'm only realizing it now...



SIGH... again!hehehe...



And him? He made me realize there is more to me than being so idealistic and choosy and serious. Maybe he had to be in my life so that I could realize that I need to take a break, have fun and enjoy my time... I know nothing will come to be. Just like when the sem started, I am still letting things happen...



Just don't wanna wake up one day feeling empty because I left all the pieces of the old me behind... I fear that if I start to embrace the new me, I would start to hurt all over again.

*You are my sweetest downfall...*

terms of endearment

Sigh... ( I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad sigh)...

Okay... because I'd like to think I still have some traces of that bright and shiny spirit, I think that sigh will be... a good sigh. HAY!

It must be the rain... the rain used to make me feel melancholic and in some ways more than one, makes me cathartic. Amidst the feeling of merriment, I can feel this tinge of sadness brought about by who knows what... (reminder: I am happy and I should not dwell on foolish anxieties). Yeah... I'm allowing myself to think of this unidentified feeling for only an hour and I promise not to think of it again. I am happy...don't wanna worry my life away.

It's just that...things are getting crazier. Much as I try not to be amused, the more I get enticed. Hay! You know what sucks? It sucks to find out that I have this little side of me that wants to play around. Hmm...play around? Or is it play safe? It's just like what I reason out to my friends each and everytime... I just don't wanna get frustrated again. I am contradicting myself by saying I don't wanna play around and yet, I am placing myself in a situation that is more complicated than ever... My situation is bordering in a pseudorelationship much to my dismay. Okay, so not really that pseudo-pseudo relationship... arghh! I can't explain what it is!...what we are... All I can say is that I am enjoying things as they are and I am right about scared to take the next step. (there... can't believe this... I admitted my real feelings for two entries in a row now, wah! I am really changing!)

Why the hell am I planning to keep this bottle of (not so unique beverage) with me? Ahahaha! This day had been a blast. My tummy ached like hell, and by the end of the day, I was in the verge of puking. The rain made things even more nostalgic... I can clearly remember the running hours... the pink clothes, the cold room, the certificates, the jacket I borrowed, the warmth... and the terms of endearment? (would it qualify as that?!)

SIGH... I wonder how long I will be able to take this...

What do you think? Was it a good or bad sigh?

...I'm giving myself just an hour, nothing more and nothing less.

pseudorelationship?

I've never been the one to fool around, especially when it comes to a relationship...or love for that matter. I'd like to think my time is too precious to be wasted on games that aren't worth the pain.

I had a realization two weeks ago... I have been making myself suffer because of so many foolish anxieties that's why I feel miserable most of the time. Thanks to wonderwall and yogi bear, I had realized how blessed I am, and how my life means something more than what I'd like to think of it.

I feel like I'm Meredith Grey... in the sense that I am bright and shiny like her. Two weeks ago, after that sentimental moment by the hammock, I promised myself that I would choose to be happy no matter what happens. Yeah... it never really hurt to look at the brighter side of things and I am trying my best to do just that. I found out that being optimistic (and bright and shiny like Meredith) makes everything in life funny and bearable. I had a great time laughing my troubles off...as in sincerely laughing about it. For once in my life, I can attest that I had really felt cheerful. I am happy...because it had been my choice to be happy.

Let go and let God... I am so overwhelmed by His unconditional love. All the hurts I had felt during the summer had suddenly disappeared. I realized that I've got no reason to be sad and that if some things aren't meant to be, I just have to accept that.

Such is the case with him...that dying flicker of him. The last of the embers had been put out and I couldn't ask for anything more. I am contented with the fact that we can talk to each other again, give each other high fives, and make faces at each other like nothing awkward really happened between us. Not even once did we talk about what transpired over the summer. We never talked about our feelings, and I accepted our renewed friendship whole heartedly.

I am guilty that I might have been too friendly lately... that I have made him feel that I am okay with whatever he's good doing at. Maybe I have been riding along too much that even though we don't talk much about our feelings, he had the impression that we still have this understanding.

Bright and shiny Krish is being put to the test. I honestly enjoyed my day spending most of the time with him. He has this arrogant stance that makes me feel majestic in a number of wordless ways... and he surprises me each time. He's snobbish and sweet...just the way I like. I don't know if I should let myself feel him... coz I'd like to think I learned my lesson and that he just isn't the one... but I had fun...and I was happy (so damn hard to be honest to myself...no time for denial now, I am too happy).

Should I stop being too friendly?Or should I go on lavishing the happy feeling? I honestly don't want him to think I'd want things to turn back 'round, because I've already accepted the fact that it's close to impossible... but he isn't doing anything anyway, so I'd like to think I am not fooling around. I am definitely not playing around, I've never been the type to do that...

Sigh... whatever... I am just letting things happen.

It's just really weird... to realize I have felt the warmth, when I should've felt the cold...

No fooling around, promise.

patching things up

The first two weeks of school had been so stressful. Aside from ranting over our disorganized schedules, I had to pretend I was perfectly comfortable with the environment...(people and place alike).

Whatever had gone during the summer, I am so willing to leave behind. Knowing that I've got this unsettled feeling with me everywhere I go doesn' t really help. I can laugh about it, but after the laughter, the uneasy feeling doubles up. I have got to do something.

SIGH... this is worth a big sigh...

We aren't exactly friends as I would have hoped, but at least I don't feel any bitterness anymore. Come on, things had been so sudden, and it was good that I used my head and didn't invest too much emotions... it was something that I can whole heartedly brush aside.

I realized why a certain person had to become a part of my life... He may not know it but he saved me from a lot of unnecessary heartaches just by being the insistent person that he is. I guess God gave him to me as a friend so I can patch things up in a not so stressful way. Thank you Edlord...( I said I will not write names anymore, pero he deserves it... kung di dahil sa walang kahiyaan niya,malamang, nahihirapan pa rin ako). God always gives me the people I need. Mahal talaga ako ni Lord!

Sigh...I had a senti moment by the hammock tonight. After a very long time, I was finally able to cry out my hurts again... as in my old way of crying, that peaceful and effortless pouring of tears... Lately kase, nahirapan akong umiyak...kaya hindi ako nagiging okay dahil hindi ko maiyak mga hurts ko masyado. I had become stone hearted and I really didn't like the way it made me feel. So there... the hours I spent by the hammock were the most peaceful hours I had so far for the last two months.

I talked to God the way I talk to Him before. I missed that...having a sentimental moment with Him. I cried out my hurts... the way I think that He's being unfair, and all my lamentations about my not so pleasant life. I couldn't see the stars because the hammock was hanging between two small trees, and my view was covered with just leaves and branches...but the wind was so soothing, not too cold and not too humid. It was good enough. It had been a good cry, and it really gave me relief.

My request had been granted just tonight...just moments before I started adding an entry here on my blog. I couldn't have been more relieved, now I can sleep perhaps a little more peaceful. At least one of my constant worries had been resolved.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow. All I know is that, I'm glad I had the courage to even try to patch things up... Would it be conceited of me to think that I am learning from my mistakes and I am becoming a strong and rational person because of it?... Sigh... hehe, I'm just proud of myself for not being pathetic, that's all.

Lord, sobrang namiss ko Kayo... be with me again tomorrow, and for the rest of my days. =)

coming home

It's like the old times... I'm here at our real home in Muntinlupa and I am savoring the comfort it never lost.

I arrived here yesterday with mom and my sister Gel-gel. My mom and I went out. Her cellphone ran out of batteries hours after we arrived at the mall and she had to ask me to put her sim card in my cell phone because she needed to reply to an important text message.

I was so reluctant to grant her the favor. I quickly thought of all the registered calls in there that I have carefully not deleted. Missed calls, dialled numbers, and received calls most especially. Being the sentimental person that I am, I take pleasure in seeing the names of the special people in my life in my registered calls. It's my way of making myself feel good... that at one point in their busy lives, those special people called me, thought of me, and conversed with me despite the damage it would have done to their cellphone's load and phone bills.

As it was inevitable, I had to do what is right to do. I did what mom wants, and I didn't have time to take one last look at my dear registered calls. In a few seconds, they were gone from my phone's memory.

I went home not knowing how I feel about it. I was thinking about the one last call he made, and the call the other he made, and the last call made by him(Ahehe... daming him! manghula ka!) and the missed call made by another him(wahahaha!). They are now gone from my list. I think I felt a twinge of regret and a little bit of helplessness. I couldn't bring the list back.

Then I remembered... I'm in a letting go phase again and what had happened was the thing that I exactly needed. Fate was telling me to start on a clean slate, literally!

It was all good. I have to keep on saying this to myself. It was all for the best.

The flickering him struck again. He once again proved what an arrogant coward he is...sorry for the insult. I really had a feeling it will all end to this and it did.

So what had happened... it was all for the best. I had to be okay about it because I have to be. He isn't worth anything at all. I'm probably saying this now because I am upset, well...I have every right to be. This is my life and I am free to choose the way I want to make it right.

It's really time to leave things in the dark. This time I have to mean what I say... and I mean it. I mean it this time with all my heart. I could not wait to leave everything behind and now I'm glad I found the strength to actually fulfill it.

It was stupid of me to think at one point that there might be something to consider... because clearly, there wasn't any. That's probably it. The signs perfectly fit.

I'd like to think that this thingy with flickering him that transpired will make me a better person. I am glad I am home. I can once again re-evaluate my feelings and lash out my hurts silently the way I used to do. I am accepting my status... that I am one bitter, man-hating-fool... I just need to let this phase pass, and when I finally become alright, I know I'll forget that I ever felt this way.

when boredom equates to death

What had been so great about this summer?...

Aside from being bored to death, I realized that jogging is indeed a good exercise, and I got to experience pulling weeds (reeds and relatives of dandelions for that matter) from our lawn's bermuda grass.

Don't get me wrong... I don't wanna pull out weeds for the rest of my life. I got calluses in my hands because the weeds weren't that easy to take out of the damned soil. Take one weed for example. It's smaller than a certain tree's sapling, just a three-leafed tiny stem on the surface, but when I try to pull it out, it won't budge. I hold on tightly... and I pull as hard as I could. Beads of sweat will start to form on my forehead. My breathing gets tight, my stomach muscles crunch (good exercise too!) and my throat tightens too. When I finally pull out the wicked weed, its root which is more than five inches long would appear in front of me. Such a long root for one small weed. I won't even manage to pull out the whole of its length.

Sometimes, the roots that I would unearth would really surprise me. They come out intertwined with the other roots of the weeds in the grass. Sometimes, the main roots of the weeds I pull would come from a different and far spot from where the weed was originally planted.

I must say, pulling out weeds killed my time in the morning and it did amuse me. The intertwining roots, the pretty, green leaves, the moist soil and the wet smell of it... When I get tired, I'd look at the bunch of weeds I managed to pull out. They'd be in great heaps, but when I look at the whole lawn, there would still be lots of patches of weeds left for me to pull out. They never seem to run out.

Then it just hit me... these weeds I try to pull out... they're like my sins. They're like my obsession and addiction to not so important things. They're like senseless reasons and philosophies in life that are planted deep within me. No matter how hard I pull, though they get out of my system, let's say, as often as I pull out the weeds in our lawn, they never totally die because I can never pull out the roots right down to its very tip (or shall I say apex?gosh! I should've really paid more attention to our Botany class way back when I was still taking up Biology). They keep on growing back... again and again.

Self-pity, selfishness, impatience,hatred,envy,greed(paminsan lang pero kahit na, hindi pa rin justifiable),gluttony,laziness,pride, and perhaps infatuation.

They're my weeds that I can't eradicate out of my system.

I look at my callused hands again. Before they became calluses they had been blisters.

I just realized that I am like the grass. I have patches of unwanted weeds growing all over me... and God is my gardener. He tries to pull out my weeds everyday of my life. His hands will probably never run out of blisters. Unlike me, He will never tire of pulling out my weeds just as He proved always that He never ceases to forgive me from my sins. I am humbled that He tends to me that much.

Wow... I am dead serious. It's amazing how enlightenment came over me just because of pulling out weeds from the grass.

SIGH... the real thing is... that him... I mean he... that him which involved a flicker of that, which died (sorry, no details kaya magulo...hehe, let me be!)... I think he's starting to be my weed too. If this goes on I may not know how to pull it out of me. Can weeds be good in some ways?Is there such a thing as a good weed?

I am confused... and really scared.

I need my gardener now. I need Him to help me pull out my weeds. If that weed which is him stays there, then maybe I'll take it as a sign that there might be really something to consider.

Again...what had been so great about this summer?

I learned that I could confuse myself more than anyone could... and it's good in a way because I get to use my brain. It's not so good because I am creating unneccessary stress.

SIGH...times like this... I call it moments of boredom equating to death.

namimiss kita pag summer break: for mcflirt...

Sigh...

I had written something about a dying flicker of that...

It stopped dying. Now, it's really dead.

And I'm here, telling myself I am just alright... but he's right. It's my head talking and not my heart.

Just don't wanna force myself into thinking too much. It just would not be fair.

SIGH...again... hahahaha!

I love messing things up. Maybe I'm too used to messing things up that's why when fate favors me one time and gives me the chance to make things right, I end up making it wrong.

He's probably right again. Maybe I haven't really moved on like what I believe...

Reasons?

Well... I moved on in the sense that I've forgiven him and that I've accepted we're not meant to be...

...but maybe...just maybe... I never forgot how hurt I've been and I'm scared, still scared that it might happen again. I moved on, forgetting the person, but I'm still living with the pain.

You realize these are all maybe's...

He's right... I should just let things happen... and I have to keep in mind what wonderwall always tell me: don't invest too much emotions.

Sigh... it's nothing really...

I had been selfish...maybe...

...and I miss him...maybe I miss him... I think I'm feeling that I'm missing him.

...it's really weird.

No more details diba? manghula ka kung sino mga him!hahaha!hay...

pure feelings

I am back to where I was before. A little stronger and decisive but perhaps more lonelier than I've ever been.

Loneliness?...it isn't such a threat anymore. Emptiness and I have become one. I've learned to live with it with my whole life, I've blended well with what is here and what is gone.

The only way he could have hurt me is if I give him the right. No rights were rendered, I gave him nothing to claim... It is the same for me... I have no joy, likewise any sorrow to gain.

Perhaps he never knew who he really was dealing with.

I am changing to a person I have never been before... the girl I was and had been, with or without him. He was so unfortunate for bumping into me during this unexpected transition.

Hahahaha...

No hurts my friend...just plain disbelief and amusement.

All that came to be?... just tells me... he is not the right one for me.

Pure feelings... no more details.

words and meanings

Courting... according to the dictionary, it means to seek the affection of... (I don't have to write all of it down)...

Loneliness...The condition of being lonely; solitude; seclusion

Attraction...the quality of arousing interest; being attractive or something that attracts
******************************************************************************
Words and meanings

the dictionary says what these words mean... and still I'm here, baffled and wondering...

Here I am trying to hold everything in.
Saying that I'm confused would be the greatest understatement of all.
I wanna hide, but there's nowhere to go.
I am scared of what lies ahead...
of what my tomorrow will become, I need not know...

Feelings, only I can understand...
will probably be forgotten in the dark,
Why stop myself from flying high?
I just do not want to lose my heart.

So here I am...
just trying to ride with the flow...
Is he worthy enough?
Only time will let me know.

I am used to my loneliness
and maybe it's something he'll never understand...
I have to stop finding words and their meanings,
and let go of these feelings while I still can.

I do not love you_Pablo Neruda

I do not love you... by Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

that this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

wag ako?!

"I finally find you and I collide..." (this is my song of the moment: Collide by Howie Day)

I mean literally...

When was it that I last felt this way? Last sem? That was more of a superficial infatuation that ended as soon as it happened.

Now? I do not like to think of what might be happening with me again. I just wish I am that numb girl I was way back in high school. I feel the need to complicate my life when I could live it in the simplest possible way I can.

What's the reason behind writing this non-directional entry?

I don't know...my mind is as blank as my heart.

I tried updating my diary last night and all I did was stare at the pages. I owe my diary tons of stories about what's happening with my not so good life, and last night, I finally had all the time and I wasted it because I just stared... hahaha!stared at the clock ticking...stared at the dining table with its glistening thai silk cover, stared at the screener up in the ceiling that screeched like crazy, stared at the dark kitchen, stared at my pen... I just stared and stared. I wasn't even thinking!

Or maybe I was thinking too much that I don't remember what I was really thinking of.

Then suddenly, at 1:35 am, I picked up my pen and started scribbling away.

I wrote a poem about him again.

Not as interesting as "Kalabaw ng Buwan"... but I wrote what I really felt.

When was the last time I felt this way? How do I know that I like this guy a lot?

SIGH... this morning I found out... and staring for hours around the house had helped me clear my mind.

I start to really like someone when I start writing poems about him.

And he and I literally collide...hahaha!

Uh-oh... I'm in deep trouble again.

Wish I could be a bird so I can fly, fly, fly away.

mean it when you say it...

"Men are monsters"...

I say that all the time.

Why?

Because they are!

Sigh...they just are.

The one time you think they are not, they end up being monsters just the same.

Sigh... (and it's that not so good sigh again).

SIGH... SIGH... SIGH...

Hahahahaha!

Here's the thing... I never learn. I say men are monsters and I don't take the meaning by heart.

They are monsters... should I befriend monsters? Should monsters be trusted? Should monsters even be cared for?

... I am at lost for words...what's the best thing to say when you don't exactly know if you're angry, frustrated or relieved at the same time?

One more time... I say men are monsters... I don't take the meaning by heart.

Why do I always listen to the nicer side of me? Why do I give in to that little voice inside of me saying, somewhere, somehow, I still got faith in men?!

I could have sworn he was different... or maybe I am just so impatient...

SIGH...

...and I couldn't even look at the stars anymore. I'm too busy to even whisper my hurts to the stars. I miss the night skies and the serenity they make me feel.

I don't take the meaning of the things I say by heart...

Just like when I said I'd have to take things lightly and not invest too much emotions...just like when I said I have to stop the feeling, turn around and walk away...

Just like when I promised I will say goodbye before he even says hello...

Hahaha...

Just like him when he says things that I believe in...

MEAN WHAT YOU SAY MAN...then I could sleep peacefully tonight.

I don't play games...and I don't fool around.