Almost halfway through 2023, and I still can't believe how drastically my life turned around. Sometimes when I see my reflection when I pass by glass walls, I still cannot believe how I have changed. The way I see things differently. The way I physically look. The way I thought I loved myself, only to realize, I have been neglecting my well being for so long. The way love teaches me how to be selfless in different means.
So bittersweet.
I still think of how my single life was. I only had to answer to myself. I made decisions on my own. I was truly comfortable. Lived alone, did things I wanted any time I wanted to.
God had to shake things up, and now I have to face the future, terrified of every thought that comes into my mind. Still I try to walk by faith, and not by sight.
I got married early this year, hence, the many conversions in my existence. (Thus also explaining all the woes about bidding my single life goodbye, all throughout 2022. haha!) Yes, the Hubbybi put his mother's ring on it. Consequently, there were weighty decisions to be made. I did not know it would be that much of a struggle for me to have to determine or resolve some issues, with someone else. I was so used to dealing with matters solely. I would like to believe that I am a work in progress, so I am still learning how to open myself, and be a little less independent than I used to be.
Looking back now, I am still unable to find the right words to sum up everything that I felt. I did everything I could to rewrite my dreams. Over the years, I knew the only reason why I was surviving was because of God's grace. Everyday there were little things which reminded me why my life was worth living another day. Something was amiss though, and I could just not seem to put my finger on it. I did not know what it was.
Although I believed in second chances, I was mostly resolute in changing my aspirations. I imagined what it would be like, living the rest of my life alone, and I was okay with it. I considered it a great achievement, having been able to move on, and not care about those who hurt me.
Is not it ironic, (yeah Alanis, I could relate), that I ended up with the very person who caused me great pain?
Yep. Beats me how we came to this. I kept my part of the bargain. Let him go, and lived my life without wishing ill things for him. When he kept coming back, I could not bring myself to believe all the words he said. I was even disgusted. How dare he? It was a twist of fate. It would be too long to narrate all my reasons why my feelings changed. Needless to say, it was like we picked up right where we left off, but at the time, we were different. Different in the sense that he was more unwavering about what he wants, and me totally not raising my expectations (sorry, again, work in progress, trying my best to adjust here).
He was the one who started calling me wifey. I was never the one to go with the norms, so the thought of calling him "hubby" really irked me. Went for hubbybi instead. (I like the way "Habibi" is being used in the Arab culture. It is a form of affection for them, and I find it sincerely sweet. Just had to put my own take on it, with a play of syllables and words). We still use "Sinta" most of the time. He just felt we needed a level up, after all that we've been through.
Pretty soon we are gonna call each other a different pet name again, because that is just how life is. We have been promoted. 🐤☺💗
SIGH.
We still have to deal with tomorrow. I do not know how we will manage it, but we are here, at the moment in time that we both desired.
I remember one of the first few nights of being his official wife. We were about to eat dinner, and his family were inviting us to come to the table. He closed the door of his room and pulled me close in a tight hug. A song he likes was playing, then to my surprise he initiated a sweet dance. I felt it was ludicrous. What the hell was he doing?! His family members were waiting for us. He did not care. Shushed me up, and I danced along. Took all my strength to swallow the lump that was forming in my throat. Oh my Hubbybi, why did you have to touch my heart like that?
"Happiness fills my eyes,
I know I should have realized,
That love was always you."
-I'll face tomorrow, Marco Sison
I am a song lyric junkie and I must say, the words warmed my heart. That was the song we danced to. It was one of his favorites.
Every time we are in a battle of wills, I remind myself of that night.
He did not utter words of promises, but it was as if he was reassuring me, no matter what happens, we will face the hereafter together, even with me being beside myself and all.
It will not be long now. A new chapter of my life will begin soon. Often, a new beginning also signifies something is ending. My heart does not feel heavy though. Sometimes you just find yourself having a sense of deep purpose, a heavier reason why something needs to come to a conclusion.
*I tenderly watch him sleep peacefully, while my one hand caresses my belly.
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