raining tears

It's raining hard... it's been raining for days now.

It was midterm week and I did nothing but sleep at home. The rain was making me feel miserable with no apparent reason.

My nights were sleepless, and during the day, I slept so much. I was miserable, and I don't know why. All I know is that the rain made me stay in bed. The rain made me sit by the window and made me think of how my life is doing.

I know it's been so long since the love I cherished died...but sometimes, everything comes back to me... and I still feel hurt even if I try not to be. I prayed to God, and I did tell Him I was angry about how things came to be... I wish He'd forgive me. I do wish I'd be able to accept things the way He wants it to be.

So, I am sad again. I have nothing and no one to blame but the lashing rain. It's my lucky day today. I didn't bring an umbrella and I'll be encountering the merciless raindrops again. My life's sadness would probably never end. Loneliness?... I am used to it... and I am fine, just fine, so I guess it's not such a bad thing.

At times like this... I just reread my mom's letter to me. I always feel good afterwards. Even though I can still feel the pain, at least I have something to keep me strong...

Life is a whole lot easier when mom's around...Here's her letter to me. She mailed it to me on the exact day I broke up with I-don't-wanna-write-his-name.I hope it touches someone whose heart was broken too. (hahaha! I can't believe that still applies to me...after all these months...)

Dearest Te In,

For the past 24 years of being married to your Dad(magsi-silver na nga), I never thought of giving up. You know why? Because of you, my precious kids. Buong buhay ko ay para sa inyo. At this point, Dad and I want to live longer so we can see all of you in good hands. Of course, my faith and trust in God's merciful and forgiving heart made me stronger.

I know how you feel right now and I can even feel the pain. God has His reasons so lift up all your hurts and pains to Him. Pray hard that the "letting go" process will be bearable. I may not be physically present to offer a crying shoulder but my thoughts and prayers are always with you and your sisters.

Eto na yung one of my greatest fears before- ang ma heart broken ang mga anak ko lalo na ikaw.Based on your reaction to your frustrations in the past, I was afraid you will break down but I was wrong. Mabait si Lord kase you are getting emotionally mature.Crying is a normal thing.You can cry a river as long as you know how to move on.Count you blessings and remember the people who love you. Ang dami namin. God loves you and I'm sure that if He closes a door, He will open not just a window, but windows. Thank God for the pleasant memories you had with Jesher and ask Him to guide you as you start to move on without him. If you are not meant for each other, then His will be done.Something or shat I say someone better is in store for you.

Hope and pray that this experience will make you a BETTER person, not bitter... STRONGER, but not harder.However, don't be in a hurry to look for a replacement.It is not the right way to mend a broken heart and it will be unfair. But don't close your heart totally.Just pause, take time and enjoy the life of being unattached.If you will share your heartaches to your friends, don't sour grape or make negative comments about Jesher lalo na kapag kausap mo sina Dyann at Mhay.Tell them it's over, you're trying to move on and it was good while it lasted.

Lastly, I must confess that being away from you for almost three years is the last thing I ever wanted, but it is a necessary evil.You know why? Little by little, I am detaching my self from the three of you so you will learn how to live your own.Though it hurts, I know that it will be good for you and for us too. As you will grow older you will have your own life to live at kami ni Dad will be left alone. But I am happy and thankful because you are doing fine and behaving well.Malapit na rin kaming umuwi so konting tiis na lang ha.Smile!!! We love you and we are always around to help you.If you stumble and fall, our love for you will still be the same, after all, you and your sisters and brother are precious fruits of our love.

***Mommy***


...Sigh... I feel so much better now... and the rain isn't falling that hard too...