constantine and james

I finally got to watch Constantine yesterday. It was a cool and scary movie. I had fun with Sky even though it was just the two of us. We had so much to talk about, kahit mababaw, at least there was no dead moment.

The movie affected me so much. I keep on saying I wanna die soon... I hope I never wake... and stuffs like that. The movie had its own concept of hell... and it scared me. I don't wanna be in that place. According to the movie,people who commit suicide go directly to hell. Hahaha! I don't wanna go to hell. It's such an awful place... life is a living hell already, with all the colors,plants,trees,flowers and people. Hell is worse with all the dead soil, dusty wind, fires and demons and unfateful death happening all over again. Basta, suddenly, I got scared of dying and going to hell. I gotta start living right...(and it took a movie for me to realize that?! I'm never saying I don't wanna live again...if I can help it.)

What I didn't get though was how life was such a curse. Well, the movie just gave me an impression that being a human is such a pain in the ass. Archangel Gabriel got punished, and God made her a human. Satan made Constantine live so his suffering in this world can prolong. It makes me wonder... is life a gift or a curse? All my life,I've been lead to believe that it is so wonderful to be alive. That life is a gift...and suddenly this movie comes and my mind went thinking about a different idea. Wala lang... affected ako, nakakatawa!

Maybe I'm tired of my life... and for people like me who are tired of living, we could consider life as a curse. But I now realize that putting an end to it would make it worst. If my life is a living hell right now...I couldn't think of a better word to describe hell. Funny how the movie affected me so kahit na fiction lang. At least may natutunan ako. I know hell is a lot uglier than what the movie showed and I definitely don't wanna find how it looks like.

Sigh... weird... why am I thinking of such thoughts?

He called this morning and I was glad. I tried so hard not to write about him for quite a while now... but here I am writing about him again. Will I ever see him again... see him with us being the us? Everything's just so uncertain. I don't wanna keep on hoping, and then, I don't wanna lose hope.I am really hard to understand sometimes. I'm just so confused at the moment. I don't wanna stop loving him, and I know I can't and I won't. Even though things got crazy between us, I know my feelings haven't changed. It's hard trusting him the way I trusted him before but I'm trying to bring back that trust. I know I hurt him sometimes with the way I sound when I ask him if he meant the things that he says. I just couldn't help it, and I am really sorry everytime that I hurt him by being the doubtful person that I am. I am trying so hard to stop it,that might be the thing that might push him away. The only thing standing between us right now is distance...or perhaps insecurities. I am having a hard time getting over them. They get the best of me most of the time that's why I'm like this... not confident, sad... I don't have faith in myself and that is really bad. God help me... I'm doing the best I can but it's so hard to fight them off.