ready to face the world again

The past three months had proved to be so trying for me. Aside from having to deal with a heart break, there was that great flood that almost made us homeless, and I was frustrated because I was so eager to work... to make something happen in my life, and it just was not happening.

They say everything happens for a reason. Yeah, super cliche. That everything falls into place at the right time... So when the thing that I waited for finally came, I thought about lots of things.

• when God closes a door, He opens a window.
• I need to appreciate the sun more.
• I will forget more easily because I have something else to think about.
• that I will finally start fulfilling my dreams.

Here's what happened... when it finally came, I learned that not all the things that I want will make me happy... at least in the beginning. I learned that life is really hard. I learned that is so convenient to just dream and so tiring to really work hard to live the dream. I learned that there are more people who will bring you down than the ones who will pull you up. I also learned that when you're in the very bottom, there's no other direction left for you to go but up. So no matter how down I am now, I will eventually be high sooner or later. (Feeler!hehe)

Haayyyy... I did not want to use the word "toxic" but there's just no other suitable term for it. Work is toxic. The people around me are unbelievable. I thought I knew the meaning of the word mean... Oh dear... I defined the word wrongly.

My working environment added even more to my depression. My first week did not go by without me shedding tears. I seriously thought of giving up, but I did not have the heart. I did not want to give up on my dreams that easily. I forced myself to fight even though it hurt a lot. It hurt because I gave in to the thought that maybe it was not meant for me... :'( It hurt even more because even though my loved ones were very supportive of me, I still felt the need for him to be there for me... He never was... never was...

I felt so hopeless. All I could do was cry... and pray... and cry... and pray, pray, pray.

Buti na lang... God is a loving and merciful God. He helped me today... He gave in to my wish, made things a bit better today. :) It was the first time I smiled a heartfelt smile since I officially became a working hospital nurse. :D

Though I still was a bit slow today, I improved a little bit. It was such an achievement for me. I know I will finally be able to adjust... little by little everyday. I was so happy I had to treat myself. I just realized I haven't been able to eat lunch for the longest time because work is so toxic we hardly have time to eat. Seriously.

"Have yourself a merry little christmas..."

When I entered SM Bicutan, that song was playing. I openly embraced the cold that engulfed me. The last time I went inside the building, I was with him... and he held my hand. Hahahaha... so I am back to where I was before he came. It isn't so bad. My hand may have no other hand to hold, but I can manage. I felt the frosty air conditioned atmosphere, and I liked it. It numbed my heart. Then out of the blue... surprisingly, I did not feel that familiar pang. I was waiting for it, but it never came. I felt like smiling instead.

I am tired of feeling sad. It's time for me to experience other emotions again. I want to be happy... I want to be happy right now... so out of the blue, the craziest idea came to me.

I bought something that will bring about a change in my life. It is a big step for me, because buying that something meant I have to get rid of another thing. I know it's gonna hurt... but I have to stop holding on.

"Through the years, we all will be togehter, if the fates allow, hang a shining star upon the highest bough, and have yourself a merry little christmas night."

I'm looking forward to having another great christmas. I hope my heart is totally healed when that time of the year comes. Smile. :')

*Paalam Sinta.*