kababawan

"patawarin mo ako... mapaglarong isipan. Mapapatawad mo ba ako? O sadyang nakakalimutan ang mga sulat ko sa 'yo?"

<------000------>

Nagkaroon na naman ng practice kagabi para sa caroling ng ComLec. Akalain mo ba naman, desido mga taong ituloy! Wala akong magawa kundi makisakay sa gusto nila...para naman din sa kapakanan ng grupo naman ang gagawin namin...kahit na kahit konti, magmumukha kaming tanga.

Malamig na naman ang gabi... malungkot ang aking pagkatao pagkagaling kong simbahan. Ang daming nangyari... kahit naman wala. Iba na talaga ang nagagawa ng isang mapaglarong isipan gaya ng utak ko. Kababawan? Siguro nga... pero hindi ko maiwasan maging mababaw.

Mababaw ako... kase nung nagdadasal ako pagkatapos ng kumunyon, naisip ko na naman siya at naiyak ulit ako. Naisip kong hindi na niya ko naiisip... pagod siya lagi at wala nang puwang ang anu mang maiuugnay sa akin sa kanyang isipan bago siya matulog. Iniyakan ko na 'tong kapraningan na 'to ng ilang gabi dati...at hanggang ngayon iniiyakan ko pa rin ngayon. Sinabi ko na sa kanya 'to noon e. Sagot niya:"Anong gusto mong gawin ko?!"

Hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko. Ano nga bang gusto kong gawin niya?

Ang dami kong naisip kagabi. Nakaupo lamang ako sa isang silya sa youth center, habang kumakanta sila ng winter wonder land, pinipigilan ko ang pagtulo ng aking luha. Buti na lang at sinisipon ako, hindi nila nahalata...pero gusto ko nang sumabog! Pagod na 'kong maging malungkot... pagod na pagod na 'ko.

Ano nga bang gusto kong gawin niya? Hindi ko alam... sana magbalik na ang dating siya, kahit na alam kong habang buhay na yun nawala. Sana bumalik ang mga umaga, tanghali at gabing nangungulit siya sa telepono. Ang sarap pakinggan ng mga sinasabi niya lagi...parang imposible matapos ang lahat.

Pero ngayon, pagkatapos ng mga malulungkot na pangyayari, akala ko lumipas na ang kalungkutan ko. Napatawad ko na siya, pero hindi na yata mawawala lahat ng takot sa akin. Isang taon pa siguro bago mawala 'tong kapraningan ko.

Lagi akong nagtatanong kung bakit lahat ng mga mahal ko sa buhay ay malayo sa akin ngayon... siya, sila mommy... mga kaibigan ko sa LB... ang dami kong hinagpis...pero lahat ng nangyayari ngayon ay kagustuhan ko rin. Pinili kong subukang isalba ang aming relasyon, at isinakripisyo ko ang pag-aaral ko sa LB, para lang makasama ko siya. Akala ko kase, ang lahat ng bagay ay gaya lang ng dati... na parang hindi na matatapos ang lahat.

Hindi ko naisip na nagbago na siya. Alam kong nagbago na siya, pero hindi ko lang inisip ng mabuti. Alam kong kaya na niyang mabuhay ng wala ako. Tinanong ko siya kung anong gagawin niya kapag nangyari 'yon. Ang dati niyang sagot: "hindi yan..." Nakakatuwa... napaka positibo mag-isip.Pero ngayon, ang sagot niya:"Masakit sa 'kin, pero kakayanin ko..." Ang sakit diba? Ang hirap palang tanggapin ng mga pagbabago.

Bakit ko iniisip ang mga 'to? Bakit ko pinahihirapan ang sarili ko?

Dahil 'di tulad niya, kahit na pagod na pagod na ako pagsapit ng gabi, siya pa rin ang naiisip ko bago ako makatulog. Araw araw, umaga, tanghali, at gabi, tumitingin ako sa aking cell phone, nagbabakasakaling may mensaheng manggagaling sa kanya...kahit na alam kong matagal na niya 'yong hindi ginagawa.Dahil 'di tulad niya, maraming lugar, salita at bagay dito sa Pilipinas na nakapagpapaalala sa akin tungkol sa kanya.

Bakit ko ba pinahihirapan sarili ko? Kung sinasabi mong sagad na sa buto ang kababawan ko...marahil nga.

Paano ko maiibsan ang aking matinding pangungulila na 'di naman nasusuklian?

Inkling for vacation

I had a good morning, I hope my day would end good as well.

It was the first night of simbang gabi last night. I went to church with Paula and Eloisa. Ate Rica was there but I didn't see her. (I met Karizma at school after Rizal class this morning and she told me she saw me at church last night but I didn't see her either.) I felt great! I walked by myself on the way to church. The night air was cold and the houses were shining brightly with christmas lights. Sigh... lapit na talaga pasko!

I have a not so complicated wish that I'm praying to unfold. Sana pagbigyan ako ni God!

I woke up feeling good... it must be because I had a good night. Basta, my morning started good. I reviewed for our exam in Rizal for this morning thirty minutes before I left for school. I couldn't bring myself to study last night, I was feeling extremely lazy. The exam, as it turned out, was a piece of cake. I am sure to pass.(I have a feeling our professor got lazy while making the questionnare!haha!)

Jesher surprisingly called while I'm spending my time in the computer shop... just a few minutes ago actually. Wala lang, masaya lang ako kase tumawag siya.Namiss niya ko, haha, feeling talaga ako! He was about to go to sleep na so we didn't talk too much. My cell phone's battery is not functioning well too so we couldn't prolong our conversation... if you can call that a conversation.

Tinatamad na talaga ako pumasok. I'm so excited for my classes to end! I want to sing christmas songs and I want to eat christmas foods!(the ever traditional hamon!)I'm looking forward to having a better christmas than last year... and definitely a better birthday. Bad trip birthday ko last year e.I also pray that Jesher and I stay cool.

I'm singing a new song. The song really suits mo because I gotta stop being paranoid and all."I don't wanna take advice from fools, I'll just think that everything is cool, 'til I hear it from you..." I'm not sure if the lyrics were right, pero I'm determined to do what the song said. I shouldn't think of such heartbreaking thoughts about him and me, and whenever I have doubts, I should not think of them too much until he implies that there is really something to think about.

"I woke up this morning I was starin' at the ceiling cracks..."
>>>>>000<<<<<

Heart beating...
heart drumming...
heart thinking ...
heart breaking...

I wasn't really staring at the ceiling cracks! (that's a line from Cynthia Alexander's song, Comfort in your strangeness) I was more like staring at the bed linings above me.(I sleep at the bottom bed of a double deck bed) And when I woke up, it was still a bit dark, I only had the little angel lamp on.

My sleeps had been dreamless... thank God! I didn't want my nightmare to actually reccur. I keep singing God is the strength of my heart until I fall asleep. The night I spent with Eloisa and Paula affected me so much! I feel so cowardly now. Harhar! Maybe like my paranoia it will pass.

Heart beating, because i feel like a nervous wreck every night, and I can feel my heart drumming like crazy. Then out of the scary things I'm thinking about comes thoughts about him and me and I would let my thoughts get the best of me and then my heart would start to break.

Hahaha! Realization: He's not even doing anything! In fairness to him, he's texting me every now and then. Bumabawi! Wala lang, I really should get hold of myself. I'm thinking too much am I not?

It's gonna be Eloisa's party tonight. Sana maging masaya ang kinalabasan.

>>>>>000<<<<<

"... I have seen, I have been to places far and deep in my mind, only to find comfort in your strangeness..."

Dumdidumdidum

My morning definitely didn't start right. I woke up pretty late and I wasn't able to attend my first class. Sigh... nakakapanhinayang pero wala na akong magagawa. At least it really wasn't my intention to cut class.

I attended Life with the Lord's prayer meeting again last night. It was better than the first one I think. Although the sounds and music were missing... mas na feel ko lang 'yung prayer nung facilitator. I was touched talaga. After that, tambay muna kami nila Paula and Eloisa sa pickup ni Paula. Wala lang, chika lang and other stuffs. We ended up scaring each other out of our wits. We talked about ghosts, nightmares(I had a not so creepy one last Thursday) and things alike... and to think we're in front of the church! We left some time after all the people had already left. Wala lang, feel lang naming tumambay under the not so starlit sky.

It's so cold na talaga! Hahaha! I was shivering when I took a bath this morning! I was jumping like crazy when the water touched my head. Parang sumakit ulo ko sa lamig ng tubig! Grabe, christmas is really drawing near. Tuwing December lang talaga ako nilalamig ng ganito.

Jesher texted me this morning. I don't know what to feel. Syempre I felt relieved that he remembered me... wala lang, finally diba? I know it's wrong to feel this way pero I just don't feel special anymore. Sigh, maybe I just got tired of his reasons... that's all. A person can be busy naman talaga, pero you can give time for everything naman if you're willing to give time. How many seconds will it take to reply to a text message? Sigh... pero he's so busy that he couldn't even do a little thing such as that. Maybe I'm just not worth thinking about. Kaya nga I feel relieved everytime he makes me feel that I'm being missed... being remembered. Kase feel ko, I'm not that special anymore.

And that's the reason why I still cry. I know I had forgiven him for what he's done, pero I can't overcome this new feeling yet. It's worst than feeling lonely. It's like having my heart broken all over again.

Well... nagreply na lang ako through yahoo messenger... I sent an off-line message. Marereceive naman niya 'yon diba? I'm not trying to get not too attatched anymore, I know and God knows I won't be able to as of now... he's too special, it's just that I'm wishing he'd know how I feel everytime I text him and he doesn't reply. Kahit na 'lam ko na he won't be affected. Ewan ko ba, nalipat na yata sa 'kin yung paranoia niya nung nandito pa siya sa Pilipinas. Namiss ko tuloy yung dating siya...he's such a changed person. Pero kahit na he's so different now, I still love him for who he is. Kahit na I don't feel special anymore. Siguro paranoia lang din 'to. I'll just let it pass, maybe I'll be okay after a week or so.

Mahirap pero Madali

Mahirap pero Madali

Ika-18 ng Hulyo, 2002
Huwebes
3:28 ng hapon

Napakadaling sabihin na ayos lang ako
...marahil punung-puno ng enerhiya
ang tinig ko sa telepono
E ano namang magagawa mo?
Ang layo-layo mo...sobrang layo.

Madali lang sabihing pinagkakatiwalaan kita
kahit lagi akong nag-aalalang
may mahahanap kang iba
anong magagawa ko?
Gusto ko lang lumigaya sa piling mo.

Kay daling sabihin na hindi ako nagseselos
tuwing ikinukwento mo ang babaeng
lapit ng lapit sa 'yo
nakakainis, pero anong pwede kong gawin?
Wala ako sa tabi mo para kita'y solohin.

Naniniwala ka ba sa lahat ng sinasabi ko?
Sana naman maramdaman mo
na nahihirapan akong sabihin ang mga sinasabi ko.

---o0o---

Pamatay! Wala lang, this is one of my spur-of-the-moment poems! Grabe! The things I came up to write because of him! Wala lang... =)

Passing the time away

My mind had been pre-occupied lately. Hindi na nga ko nakakapagsulat sa diary ko e. The poems that I'm itching to write are stuck in my head and when I finally feel like writing them, I forget the words.

Sigh... I don't think my sighing moments will ever stop. Every now and then I feel the need to sigh. I finally think sighing is good for me... I can breathe out silent words I long to shout out without anyone knowing what that sigh mean.

LSS was good. It was overwhelming. The invoking of the Holy Spirit was a bit creepy but I felt good and secured. There was a blinding flash of light before me, it was crazy coz I had my eyes closed. I wish the laying of hands lasted forever. I didn't want to stop crying. I wanted to spill all my hurts... because after all this time I still am hurting. I don't know how to heal myself. Unpleasant thoughts keep on popping in my head and no one's by my side to assure me that everything's gonna be alright. I don't know, I just feel lonely.

I attended mass last night. It was heartwarming to see Eloisa and Rica's faces. Wala lang, I can feel God telling me to stop wallowing in self pity everytime I see them. The world becomes a better place when I'm with them. We can have fun from nothing at all. I think that's seeing life in a brighter way.

Jesher and I... I don't know. I'm out of words. I guess we're okay, but I couldn't feel him. I understand he's busy and all, but I wish he'd think of texting sometimes... I wish he had Pat's way of making me feel remembered. I feel so absurd realizing people think that I'm such a Jesher devotee and a damsel in distress. The latter is so not true, or so I would like to think. Sigh... this is just my life. I'm hurting and feeling lonely but I wouldn't want to have it any other way. I just pray that I would feel his love from far away. I'm glad that he's still calling during the weekends... God, you know I would have died inside if he does not. He's one of the best things that ever happened to me, and if having him means feeling this pain forever, then I'm willing to bear it with the best I can. I'm trying my best to keep myself busy so as not to think of him all the time... but he's simply everywhere! I wish I didn't make him such a part of me.

...ooo000ooo...

"I await for the sound that cheers me so
the stillness of the air awaits with me
but when I see that I have waited for so long
I only hear my cry, so melancholy...

I move on with my life
left with nothing but simple goals
I lost everything
but my so empty soul..."

Harhar! I wrote that poem after he left. I couldn't remember the exact same words, but I think it goes more or less this way. The stanzas above are the first and last stanza of the poem.

I had been pathetic then and I still am now... but with God's grace and mercy, I think my soul is not that empty. I can only laugh at that poem now.

LSS was good... I filled the emptiness of my soul. Though the feeling of loneliness comes flashing through my naive being every now and then... I think I'll be okay. I'm gonna be okay. God is good. He make sure everything falls into place just when things seem to fall apart.

favorite word

Sigh... so much with the thought of not being too attatched! I hate myself for letting myself feel this way!

I don't know why I choose to be so pathetic, but hey, I'm just like that. I view his profile in friendster each and everytime and I send him messages too. His status stated single, it used to say In a relationship and Married before... it even said updated profile. He just changed it! His status was married until yesterday. And here I am back to one of my pathetic paranoid phase. Why would he change it diba? And now here I am on the verge of tears again. I bet I never made him feel this way. Maybe I'm right, he doesn't love me as much as before. Why am I thinking of this?! Sigh... how can I stop being like this? And I thought I was successful about not being too attatched na! Who am I kidding?!

I just feel so unsure about us. God help me endure the pain... I don't wann feel hurt again. I don't like to go back to my crying nights. I'm really looking forward to that Life in the Spirit Seminar. Maybe I could learn how to stop being this pathetic after that. Sigh... God please give me the strength to hold back my tears!

Rizal and Bonifacio

Rizal class this morning started out as a real boring class. Our professor had this baritone voice that seemed to lull me to sleep. I am really mean to say this but I was irritated by the way he talked. He had a "p and f" defect. It's just so distracting! As our discussion progressed, I was feeling more and more irritable. I can say that we had another biased discussion.

I'm not against the fact that Rizal is the country's national hero, but that doesn't mean I like him as a national hero. I just don't see why Bonifacio (according to our book) is not capable of being recognized as a national hero because he lost all his battles against the Spaniards. I just don't think that would be a good basis or justifiable reason why he isn't capable. If failuers are the basis of the greatness of a person, it's just like saying students who had failing grades isn't capable of working at all! Sobra naman! Hindi naman sukatan ng galing ang mga kahinaan mo diba? Hmm... feeling ko kailangan naming magdebate sa klase. Masyadon lang bookish professor namin. Everything is just so biased... hmph! I miss UPLB days when students can really speak their minds out!

We're chatting through yahoo messenger as of the moment... Obviously, I'm not at home so we cannot talk on the phone. I got lucky to have caught him on line, this rarely happens...

How can you bear with a lonely heart? I know I said things that shouldn't be said... I'm really good at messing things up. Yesterday I thought things were falling into place, now I feel like they're falling apart again.

There's one thing I painfully learned this year, and I'm sure I won't be able to forget in my whole lifetime. Places change people, and people change places.

I'm not making any sense here...

Things fall apart

My feet are aching like crazy again. When can I stop wearing these high-heeled shoes?...

The week was sluggish and at the same time fast. Things were falling apart at the start but as of the moment... everything is starting to fall into place. WoW. God is good all the time! Just when I was about to give up He sent me signs that gave me hope and encouragement. When you truly trust in Him things go right in the end. I feel so blessed!

I am so jovial to finally have my schedule fixed. At least I can sleep at nights without having to worry about it. I really thought things were falling apart...

I'm looking forward to a great weekend. It's gonna be Paula's birthday party and I am determined to have fun. I deserve to have a break from the tiring week. Falling in lines was never this chaotic! I thought my legs were about to explode. I wish he'd think of calling. I miss him so much. I cried the other night because of thinking of him. I just wish he's here. (I am really pathetic!)

Sigh... sem break is over. I'm back to my agonizing days in Manila.

My sem-break wasn't that bad as I thought it will be. I didn't get totally bored at home, I went out a couple of times and I enjoyed being alone. He called almost everyday and I was really glad about it. I think we're okay now. (Thank God!) I think I'm starting to really heal completely. I don't wanna think about what he did, or what I felt then. I want to forget what happened. He's here to stick around and that is what matters. I can smile now. (I miss the crying nights though... but I'm glad it's all over now because I'm starting to love the pain and that is totally wrong.)

I had a crazy Sunday. The PYM elections at church was crazy. The people were like lunatics, my head ached after it, but hey... I had a blast! It was just crazy... simply crazy.

Nonesense stuff

I went out with Eloisa and Paula this afternoon... we tried to play basketball in a place not so familiar to us. I asked a friend to accompany us, and I ended chatting with them instead of playing basketball.

Yesterday was our enrollment. The day didn't work out for me. I was so tired at the end of the day, I felt like crying. I had a fight with the tricycle driver and my night was really ruined.

Sigh... mom's leaving for Thailand again. I just feel so sad. We haven't really bonded that much since she got in here. Her schedule's so hectic. Everyday ,she's out of the house meeting with friends and buying stuffs to bring with her when she comes back to Thailand. Iba talaga kapag may nanay sa bahay. Life was a bit easy when mom was around.

Not meant to be written

More than an hour was wasted just for scribbling what my heart wants to say. I must've written a thousand words for my supposedly entry for my blog today. And I ended up accidentally deleting it. Talk about being unlucky!

I cannot write everything down again!

I just said that I had a great night...we experienced an earthquake... he called and I was happy with the way our conversation turned out. I wrote in detail how pathetic I was because of the way he made me feel. And I wrote how he had finally managed to touch me once again.

I thought the entry was great. It was long, I said everything I wanted to say. But I got it deleted.

Maybe God thinks it's too cheesy. It was not meant to be written... so here I am writing something else.

Of pains and fears

Of pains and fears

I've been waiting all week for him to call. It's already Saturday and I still haven't heard from him. I promised myself that I would start to get not too attatched to him, but here I am still wishing that he would call.

Sigh... why am I still hurting? I liked the way I felt numb last week. But last night, I went to church to attend mass, and I prayed about us... and I couldn't help but cry again. I still am not yet prepared to lose him.

They say that love conquers all... if it really does, then why can't it conquer distance? And if love frees us from all the pain in life, then why am I hurting now? If we're not really meant to be, how can love take my pain away?

At twenty, I finally realized what love is, and what love is not.

I had finally managed to change my phone settings. My profile does not include our anniversary date anymore. Little by little, I know I can finally let him go. I just don't wanna hope too much. I am afraid of getting hurt again.

They say love casts out all fear... but all I have now are fears inside of me.

Dear Diaries

Dear Diaries

I read my past diaries last night, and I came to realize how unpredictable and funny life is.

Freshman year in highschool...
I was crazy over backstreet boys. Hahaha! I wrote one day how he irritatingly asked me a lot times if I was mad at him or not. He was a very good phone pal and nothing more than that.

Sophomore year in highschool...
I was so inspired by a certain person that I couldn't stop writing poems about him. And he (the significant person in my life right now) was just somewhere in the background. I liked him already way back then, but just as a friend. A really funny friend.
I enjoyed the company of my classmates most of the time... he and I didn't talk to each other in public because everytime we do, the whole class would tease us like crazy .
At the end of the last quarterly exams, I was surprised that he was suddenly talking to me, inspite of everybody's presence. Before, he didn't have the guts...he was too, I don't know, cowardly?

Junior year in highschool...
He came to be a really good friend. Everytime we talk on the phone Say It by Voices of Theory would keep on playing all over again in the background. He gave me a book on Valentine's Day... and he was the first guy who gave me flowers. I was Maria Clara and he was Crisostomo Ibarra... hahaha! The thought really makes me laugh! Everything's so silly!

Senior year in highschool...
It became him and me, and me and him. We'd have Jolibee dinner during Fridays after our C.A.T. He was the one who taught me how to use and make e-mail. We'd chase each other under the rain...I absurdly enjoyed it no matter how corny it looked for other people.

College days...
It was hard for me to be apart from him. I was in Laguna, and he was in Manila. He'd pick me up on Friday nights when I had exams that ended late. He'd visit me at our house during the second and fourth Saturday of the month. He gave me a necklace and a teddy bear as a gift for our first year anniversary. He left the country the summer before sophomore year in college started and since then, our relationship existed in e-mails and phone calls.

At least for years in my past, he was crazy about me...although he's not as crazy about me now. It's funny how the person I didn't really like as more than a friend in the start ended up to be my very first boyfriend...and the very first one who broke my heart.

See how unpredictable life is? Who would've thought that what is happening now and what happened before were all meant to be?

Last night... I started a new diary. It's my nth diary, and soon it will be filled with my experiences and unsaid feelings. Years later, I would read all the entries back, and I will realize for the nth time how unpredictable and funny life is.

Suddenly

Suddenly

I feel better now... suddenly, I just do.

He called last friday at dawn. Had he done it a month ago, I would have felt what I've always felt. I would have been jovial about it. But when he called, for the first time since I can remember, I actually felt numb about it. I didn't feel jubilant or excited, and I didn't feel hurt either.

How can I love while feeling numb at the same time?

I am glad that I'm not hurting that much anymore...but I can feel myself changing into someone who I wasn't before.

Suddenly... I don't know what I really feel anymore.

Another Good Cry

Another Good Cry

I had a good cry last night. Another good cry. I thought I was done crying, but I'm not. But, after that cry, I felt good. So even though I woke up this morning with my eyes aching like crazy and swelling up a bit, I think it's worth it.

Most of my friends advice me to not think of my loneliness. A lot of them tell me, "Don't cry...he's not worth it!" I just wish there would be someone who would allow me to be sad, because I know that all people need to be sad sometimes. If I don't cry now... my pain would just be stuck inside of me longer, and it would make it even harder for me to move on. I just wish they'd let me cry... so little by little, I'll get tired of it...little by little... I'll be able to let go...and little by little...I'll finally be alright.

When will my good cries end? I don't know... but I know someday it will be over. It may take more weeks, even months... but I know this will end.

Songs, memories and a dozen sighs

Song, Memories and a dozen Sighs

"Woke up today, thinking of you...another night and I made my way through. So many dreams still left in my mind, but it can never come true. I press rewind and remember when, I close my eyes and I'm with you again...but in the end, I can still feel the pain, everytime I hear your name...the sun won't shine since you went away, seems like the rain's falling everyday. There's just one heart where there once was two. That's the way it's gotta be...until I get over you.."

Sigh... I woke up this morning and I kept on sighing. I have sung all the heartbreaking songs that I can think of, and then... sigh... When will these sighing moments stop? I was told that when you're carrying a heavy load in your heart, sigh, and things will ease up a bit. I must have sighed about a dozen times, but still I feel the same. What can free me from the weight of this pain? Sigh... sigh... sigh...

EDSA LRT was, as usual, crowded this morning. Thousands of people from different walks of life rushed here and there, some with preoccupied faces...some with far away looks, some with smiling eyes... and lots of sleepy faces.

This Mr. T-square (a guy was carrying this huge t-square) passed by me and his scent came diffusing in the thin, polluted, Manila air. Breathe... and then... sigh... I remembered suddenly... he used to smell that way. I remembered our hiking, when he held my hand. I remembered the cap he borrowed, which, when he gave back, was smelling so good...like that of the scent Mr. T-square had.

Sigh... memories of him keep on haunting me everywhere. I'm not obliged to not think of him...it's just that thinking of him still hurts. Even though we're still together, everything about him just hurts.

What shall I do? For the first time in years, I am realizing that what we had was like a joke that seems true... but it was really true for me... but maybe not for him? Should I let everything go now? I am so unwilling to trust... but I cannot say goodbye.

Sigh... the girl beside me in the computer shop is ranting about tsitsarong bulaklak...
... January 26,2000... LS2K... Rizal Memorial Stadium... HP Plaza... he made me eat it.

Sigh... memories of him... when will this sighing stop?

"When will this river of tears stop falling, where can I run so I won't be alone? Can't walk away when the pain keeps calling, I just gotta take it from here on my own...but it's so hard to let go..."

pathetic sentiments

pathetic sentiments

my friend and i had an oppurtunity to chat through yahoo messenger. We exchanged our hi's and hello's. She told me the changes in her life...she had broken off her relationship with her long time boyfriend. She had found someone better. I am happy for her, I really am. It's just that I couldn't help getting hurt because a similar thing happened to me recently...only, I wasn't the one who had found someone better, he did.

How can he be so weak? I am still asking that question up to now. He said he's sorry, but his apology is not enough to lessen the pain I'm feeling. I couldn't hate him for what he felt... he couldn't have helped it, just like what my friend felt. I couldn't hate them, could I?

We're still together, but I still am sulking in misery, although not obviously. I'm done breaking down in public and crying each night. I just couldn't get through the pain. I just couldn't get over the fact that he fell for someone else. How could he? When I've been loving him like forever? When I've been ignoring those who had try to come between us? When I've been trying hard to forget my loneliness? When I've been waiting for him to come back?How could he be so weak? I've been trying to be strong for him for years...

Pathetic...and I know that it's wrong to feel this way.I just don't have an idea how to stop it.

shoe heel

shoe heel
my feet are tired but i still have the whole day to walk through...
my shoes are wearing out
and still i walk like tomorrow will never come.
i placed my bugglegum between the shoe and the parting sole
and wondered if i could fix my broken heart just as easily.