Passing the time away

My mind had been pre-occupied lately. Hindi na nga ko nakakapagsulat sa diary ko e. The poems that I'm itching to write are stuck in my head and when I finally feel like writing them, I forget the words.

Sigh... I don't think my sighing moments will ever stop. Every now and then I feel the need to sigh. I finally think sighing is good for me... I can breathe out silent words I long to shout out without anyone knowing what that sigh mean.

LSS was good. It was overwhelming. The invoking of the Holy Spirit was a bit creepy but I felt good and secured. There was a blinding flash of light before me, it was crazy coz I had my eyes closed. I wish the laying of hands lasted forever. I didn't want to stop crying. I wanted to spill all my hurts... because after all this time I still am hurting. I don't know how to heal myself. Unpleasant thoughts keep on popping in my head and no one's by my side to assure me that everything's gonna be alright. I don't know, I just feel lonely.

I attended mass last night. It was heartwarming to see Eloisa and Rica's faces. Wala lang, I can feel God telling me to stop wallowing in self pity everytime I see them. The world becomes a better place when I'm with them. We can have fun from nothing at all. I think that's seeing life in a brighter way.

Jesher and I... I don't know. I'm out of words. I guess we're okay, but I couldn't feel him. I understand he's busy and all, but I wish he'd think of texting sometimes... I wish he had Pat's way of making me feel remembered. I feel so absurd realizing people think that I'm such a Jesher devotee and a damsel in distress. The latter is so not true, or so I would like to think. Sigh... this is just my life. I'm hurting and feeling lonely but I wouldn't want to have it any other way. I just pray that I would feel his love from far away. I'm glad that he's still calling during the weekends... God, you know I would have died inside if he does not. He's one of the best things that ever happened to me, and if having him means feeling this pain forever, then I'm willing to bear it with the best I can. I'm trying my best to keep myself busy so as not to think of him all the time... but he's simply everywhere! I wish I didn't make him such a part of me.

...ooo000ooo...

"I await for the sound that cheers me so
the stillness of the air awaits with me
but when I see that I have waited for so long
I only hear my cry, so melancholy...

I move on with my life
left with nothing but simple goals
I lost everything
but my so empty soul..."

Harhar! I wrote that poem after he left. I couldn't remember the exact same words, but I think it goes more or less this way. The stanzas above are the first and last stanza of the poem.

I had been pathetic then and I still am now... but with God's grace and mercy, I think my soul is not that empty. I can only laugh at that poem now.

LSS was good... I filled the emptiness of my soul. Though the feeling of loneliness comes flashing through my naive being every now and then... I think I'll be okay. I'm gonna be okay. God is good. He make sure everything falls into place just when things seem to fall apart.