Wala ng makakatulong sa'kin ngayon.
Hindi ang naturingan kong kambal sa mga nagdaang buhay.
Hindi ang tagapayo ko ang magiging tagasalba.
Hindi ang misteryosong nilalang ng buwan.
Hindi ang kaibigang may lihim na damdamin.
Hindi ang patuloy pa ring lumalaban na pag-asa.
Mantakin mo'y mas malubha pa ang dinulot ng lahat ng ito kesa sa imaheng iyon na kasing mapangwasak ng kape?!
Nakabitin ako ngayon sa dulo ng napakanipis na sinulid.
Hangin, tubig, init at dilim.
Ano pa ba ang kailangan kong harapin?
Hindi ba't natutunan ko noon pa na sa mga bituin na umasa? Bakit nga ba hinahanap ko ang liwanag ng buwan?
Ako na lang mag-isa...
Ako na naman mag-isa.
Ano na naman bang ginawa kong mali? Talaga bang ito dapat ang mangyari sa'kin?
Naglalaho na liwanag ng buwan. Wala na akong makita... kase ang paningin ko, nabulag na ng mga luha.
Ako na lang mag-isa... Ako na naman mag-isa. :'(
About Me
Friday, September 11, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
True love, oh baby...
Trouble is indeed a friend...
When will he realize just how much my feelings has changed from being uncertain to real?
I'm still trying... I won't stop trying...
I'm trying to love myself better in order for me to think that someone could love me better than I love myself.
When will he realize just how much my feelings has changed from being uncertain to real?
I'm still trying... I won't stop trying...
I'm trying to love myself better in order for me to think that someone could love me better than I love myself.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Yes, I am.
" You don't even have to try,it comes easy for you..."
It was another typical Sunday. The radio was playing, the air around the house was ever humid. It was so coincidental that eddie brickell's song suddenly played. I experienced, yet, another wave of nostalgia. I was suddenly transported back to our old house in Muntinlupa. I remembered the shiny red floors, and the same hot, humid air and the way it made me feel restless. It was Sunday after all. Old songs were being played on the radio, and we wandered about the house... made ourselves comfortable the way we knew how.
"Good times, bad times, gimme some of that."
I remembered all my frosty, morning school bus rides during my sixth year in elementary. The same song played, I sat on my usual place, and day dreamed. Whatever it was that I thought of, I never bothered to write in one of my journals, but I know exactly what that dream was.
" I don't wanna say goodbye, don't wanna walk ya out the door..."
It was incredulous. Didn't know if I wanted to smile or cry. I didn't wanna feel it, but I felt it coming. The familiar pang... of losing something I don't have a name for.
It used to be like that before. Young as I was, I would feel that... that fear that I've always kept to myself.
I felt it the whole day. Even after all these years, I still felt it. It was another painful Sunday for me. I tried helping myself... forced myself to find my happiness. The nostalgic day brought back so much memories of my Sundays and people... that I've lost in one way or another.
"... I spend a little time with you, I want a little more."
No... not even a little... I want so much more. :'( I want so much more... now I feel like crying again.
I cried myself to sleep, because I know no other way. God was telling me something, and I was just nodding and accepting what He has to say. I didn't want to ask... I just felt like saying, Yes, I am... whatever that means... Yes, I am ready even if I am really not.
When I woke up... text messages flooded my phone. Feeling better, and not expecting, I got my early message from God through my friends' forwarded quotes. Three of my friends sent me the same message:
Jesus said, "I come to you not to make you love me, but to let you know that you are worth loving."
I didn't ask, but I got my answer anyway.
So yes, I am. That is all I need to know and feel right now.
SIGH... Yes, I am.
In some unimaginable way, yes, I am. I may not comprehend it now, but I trust God that I will get by somehow.
"Good times, bad times, gimme some of that..."
I can't have it all, can I?
Like I said, it was a typical Sunday. However did I manage to keep a smile on my face despite what I was feeling? Another answer: My family gave me the strength.
So I guess... Yes, I am.
As the song fades away inside my mind, I nestle my pained heart and tell myself it will all be for the best. Just like what I always tell myself when I can't put my burdened soul to rest.
It was another typical Sunday. The radio was playing, the air around the house was ever humid. It was so coincidental that eddie brickell's song suddenly played. I experienced, yet, another wave of nostalgia. I was suddenly transported back to our old house in Muntinlupa. I remembered the shiny red floors, and the same hot, humid air and the way it made me feel restless. It was Sunday after all. Old songs were being played on the radio, and we wandered about the house... made ourselves comfortable the way we knew how.
"Good times, bad times, gimme some of that."
I remembered all my frosty, morning school bus rides during my sixth year in elementary. The same song played, I sat on my usual place, and day dreamed. Whatever it was that I thought of, I never bothered to write in one of my journals, but I know exactly what that dream was.
" I don't wanna say goodbye, don't wanna walk ya out the door..."
It was incredulous. Didn't know if I wanted to smile or cry. I didn't wanna feel it, but I felt it coming. The familiar pang... of losing something I don't have a name for.
It used to be like that before. Young as I was, I would feel that... that fear that I've always kept to myself.
I felt it the whole day. Even after all these years, I still felt it. It was another painful Sunday for me. I tried helping myself... forced myself to find my happiness. The nostalgic day brought back so much memories of my Sundays and people... that I've lost in one way or another.
"... I spend a little time with you, I want a little more."
No... not even a little... I want so much more. :'( I want so much more... now I feel like crying again.
I cried myself to sleep, because I know no other way. God was telling me something, and I was just nodding and accepting what He has to say. I didn't want to ask... I just felt like saying, Yes, I am... whatever that means... Yes, I am ready even if I am really not.
When I woke up... text messages flooded my phone. Feeling better, and not expecting, I got my early message from God through my friends' forwarded quotes. Three of my friends sent me the same message:
Jesus said, "I come to you not to make you love me, but to let you know that you are worth loving."
I didn't ask, but I got my answer anyway.
So yes, I am. That is all I need to know and feel right now.
SIGH... Yes, I am.
In some unimaginable way, yes, I am. I may not comprehend it now, but I trust God that I will get by somehow.
"Good times, bad times, gimme some of that..."
I can't have it all, can I?
Like I said, it was a typical Sunday. However did I manage to keep a smile on my face despite what I was feeling? Another answer: My family gave me the strength.
So I guess... Yes, I am.
As the song fades away inside my mind, I nestle my pained heart and tell myself it will all be for the best. Just like what I always tell myself when I can't put my burdened soul to rest.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
My Picture Story
MY PICTURE STORY
1. A picture of you in your room.
1. A picture of you in your room.
with my sister gel :)
2. A picture of you posing with someone you don't actually like.
well... i didn't exactly not like him, but he was such a pain in the neck that time. so spiteful!
3. A picture with a former crush.
okay, i was not in the picture. I was somewhere on the floor thinking of what to say when our turn to present our progress report comes. This is the closest photo I can find that could qualify as such. Hehe ;)
4. A picture of you very drunk.
correction: i wasn't VERY drunk when this photo was taken... but I remember my friends telling me I was laughing at the most senseless things. I guess I was feeling tipsy? But not drunk. :)
5. A picture of you with a parent or two.
With mom and dad during our oath taking. :)
6. A picture of you on your birthday, or your favorite holiday.
I turned silver and my friends celebrated my birthday eve with me. It was my best birthday ever.
7. A picture of you from your younger years.
hahaha... look at my smile. so mischievous! it was like i was always up to no good. =)
8. A picture of you in one of your favorite outfits.
that's my fave green blouse up there and my favorite yellow jacket below. ;)
9. A picture of you making a goofy face at the camera.
believe me, this is goofy enough for me. haha!
10. A picture you might have edited to make yourself more attractive.
lahat naman ng grad pic ineedit diba?
11. A picture of you and a team or club you're in.
Easter Tradition with ComLec
12. A picture of a night you regret.
How could I forget? :( I nearly jumped over a cliff (metaphorically speaking).
13. A picture of you showing off a new haircut.
I wasn't exactly showing it, but I just had a hair cut when this picture was taken. Was just days fresh from being confined at the hospital.
14. A picture of you truly being yourself.
Dreamer much? :)
15. The most recent picture of you.
:)
16. A picture of you being absolutely ridiculous.
They made me do it! It was so hilarious though. haha!
17. A picture of a time in your life that's over, but you wish it wasn't.
high school life... wish it never ended.
18. A picture of a time in your life that's over, and you couldn't be more thankful that it is.
Last day of november 2008 NLE.
19. A picture with your oldest friend(s).
Forever friends Tropang Adik
20. A picture with your newest friend(s).
New found friends... Red Cross co-trainees
21. A picture of you when you were anything but happy... Even if you were smiling and did your best to hide it.
:(... was wishing I was a bird so I could fly, fly away.
22. A picture of you that you had no idea was being taken.
I love it. :)
23. A picture of you when you were a different person than you are now.
Yeah... I wasn't as bitter as I am now.
24. A picture of you in a fashion "DON'T."
I clearly instructed jett not to take a picture of me showing my face. He tried defying me and I ended up hiding under my umbrella.
25. A picture of you in a swimsuit - whether you love it or loathe it.
Palawan, May 2009
26. A picture of you taking a shot / chugging a beer / downing some sort of mixed drink.
This is the closest photo I can find. :)
27. A picture of yourself that you hate.
I was so weak... I vowed never to feel as pathetic as I was feeling when this photo was taken.
28. A picture of you with someone you love.
Sandwiched between Yogi Bear and Wonderwall
29. A picture of how you'd like the world to see you.
Breaking away...
30. A picture that describes how you'd like to spend every day.
Just reflecting and dreaming.
31. A picture of a time when everything was changing.
Yeah... things were changing. ;) I was getting over lots of things that made my heart ache. :D
32. A picture that makes your heart hurt.
Awwww... every little bit hurt. :'(
33. A picture that makes your heart smile.
I know... it is also my most recent picture. Well, it makes me smile, so what?!
34. A picture of one of the best nights/days of your life.
T.A. nights are always the best. :)
Saturday, July 11, 2009
nosy, paranoid, feeler that he is
Okay... so I probably went overly dramatic these past few days. I'm really starting to think July is a cursed month. I am tired of blaming everything on the hormones. I am not using it as an excuse this time.
I'm reflecting on the slight mishaps that happened this week. I am silently scolding myself for trying to be too hard when I only needed to be strong.
Months ago, I would've probably punished myself for feeling this way... you know, in total abandon of what everyone might think about me loving him this way... but now, I simply do not care. I am not dealing with maybe's here... because what I just wrote is real. I keep on saying I do not play around, so that's the fact that everyone around me has to face.
I guess I got too consumed with the cynical way of thinking that some of my trusted friends have. Somehow it got to me... and I let it get the best of me. A foolish mistake I am vehemently avoiding from now on.
I am changing... in a funny way that I never expected.
All because of the nosy, paranoid, feeler person that he is.
I'm so lovin' it. :)
I'm reflecting on the slight mishaps that happened this week. I am silently scolding myself for trying to be too hard when I only needed to be strong.
Months ago, I would've probably punished myself for feeling this way... you know, in total abandon of what everyone might think about me loving him this way... but now, I simply do not care. I am not dealing with maybe's here... because what I just wrote is real. I keep on saying I do not play around, so that's the fact that everyone around me has to face.
I guess I got too consumed with the cynical way of thinking that some of my trusted friends have. Somehow it got to me... and I let it get the best of me. A foolish mistake I am vehemently avoiding from now on.
I am changing... in a funny way that I never expected.
All because of the nosy, paranoid, feeler person that he is.
I'm so lovin' it. :)
Monday, July 06, 2009
Tired of loving him...
"Have you ever felt like you were tired of loving?"
An old friend had asked me.
I thought of all the times that I felt that way. I guess at one major point in my life I got tired of loving someone. The number of times I used the word "tiring, tired, tiresome" in my entries just to say that I was tired... but I never learned. The "tiring" tirade continued because I let it. I just didn't know when to let go. I kept losing in my silent wars because I let myself lose. In one way or another, I was just plain tired, so I went ahead, and allowed myself to die.
"Kilala kita... you dont' ask for too much. You can't blame us for trying to protect you because we don't want to see such a nice person like you getting hurt."
Another great friend recently told me that. I swear I almost cried when he said that.
I know right?! Or more like I don't know. Am I really?
Am I in another quiet battle?
Didn't I say I hate waiting? That I hate hanging by the moment.... because it's painful?
If waiting is painful, then I should stop waiting. If I am starting to feel tired, then I should take a rest.
Easier said than done. :'(
... because I wait for the people I love, and I pathetically, if not willing, then am most certainly ready to lose for them.
I don't know which is hurting more... my pride or my heart?
:'(
An old friend had asked me.
I thought of all the times that I felt that way. I guess at one major point in my life I got tired of loving someone. The number of times I used the word "tiring, tired, tiresome" in my entries just to say that I was tired... but I never learned. The "tiring" tirade continued because I let it. I just didn't know when to let go. I kept losing in my silent wars because I let myself lose. In one way or another, I was just plain tired, so I went ahead, and allowed myself to die.
"Kilala kita... you dont' ask for too much. You can't blame us for trying to protect you because we don't want to see such a nice person like you getting hurt."
Another great friend recently told me that. I swear I almost cried when he said that.
I know right?! Or more like I don't know. Am I really?
Am I in another quiet battle?
Didn't I say I hate waiting? That I hate hanging by the moment.... because it's painful?
If waiting is painful, then I should stop waiting. If I am starting to feel tired, then I should take a rest.
Easier said than done. :'(
... because I wait for the people I love, and I pathetically, if not willing, then am most certainly ready to lose for them.
I don't know which is hurting more... my pride or my heart?
:'(
Saturday, June 13, 2009
when it strikes...
when it strikes...
it doesn't matter if you're prepared or not. it's something you cannot fight.
it's something i wasn't able to fight.
SIGH... it struck.
I let it hit me.
I bagged happiness. haha!
Huh? ;)
it doesn't matter if you're prepared or not. it's something you cannot fight.
it's something i wasn't able to fight.
SIGH... it struck.
I let it hit me.
I bagged happiness. haha!
Huh? ;)
Saturday, May 23, 2009
now and then
*right now, face to face, all my fears, pushed aside... right now, I'm ready to spend the rest of my life, with you.* - crazy for this girl, evan and jaron
There's no turning back...
It's not like I want to turn back in the first place. I knew that when I felt like saying those words back, I was ready. Or so I thought. hehe.
SIGHing a happy, wondering sigh. Hahahaha! Finally, finally, finally... ;)
Here are the things that I'm missing:
The things that I have to live with right now... are better than those that I'm missing.
So when I said there's no turning back...
I really meant it.
*I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else but here...*
There's no turning back...
It's not like I want to turn back in the first place. I knew that when I felt like saying those words back, I was ready. Or so I thought. hehe.
SIGHing a happy, wondering sigh. Hahahaha! Finally, finally, finally... ;)
Here are the things that I'm missing:
- waking up without having to argue with myself if i should text first or not. (was always resigned not to text first)
- dedicating the cards i read to my non-existent special someone (it gives me the feeling of being in a natural high thinking that someday i might find someone who'd be worthy enough to be given those cards to.hopeless romantic i am!)
- thinking of only me... and me... and me... and just me... haha! selfish?!
- staying up late at night talking to myself, reflecting and dreaming by myself, and laughing and crying only to myself.
- not having to say the way i feel because i am not obliged to and nobody cares what i really think. (i am so fine with that)
- texting and pestering him anytime i feel like it with hesitation. (sorry, naninibago pa ko. cut me some slack!)
- giving the cheesiest cards i could find. (hahahaha!)
- thinking of me, him, me and him, and me with him. (dalawa naman, at least nag improve na, hindi lang puro sarili!)
- staying up late at night talking with him, reflecting, arguing and debating with him, dreaming with him, and laughing and simply feeling sad with him.
- the hardest thing: not being able to use the words "wala lang", "ewan", " hindi ko alam", "basta", and "secret" as answers to the most mind boggling and senseless questions of his.
The things that I have to live with right now... are better than those that I'm missing.
So when I said there's no turning back...
I really meant it.
*I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else but here...*
Friday, May 08, 2009
in danger
"Remember when you said that you would change? ... Don't let me down..."
Wasn't it two summers ago when I can identify myself with Gwen Stefani's 4 in the morning?... That particular line hitting me right through the heart. I remember having to spend a few days at MCM delivery room for completion duty. I was content but not expecting. Then I'd go home late at night, dad would pick me up, and that song would play on the radio, and I would think of him. The tiring story went on and on.
SIGH... scary sigh this time.
I don't know what's with him. I don't know why I believe in him so much. Even before when I accepted the fact that he'll never be the man I almost want him to be with me, I never stopped believing he could change.
I know that there are some truths that I can only feel inside my heart. Maybe I do have a gift of seeing the better side of people despite their monstrosity. I have been warned that if I keep on being like this, I would end up hating the world.
There are no words for this. Time and again, I have heard people say that to explain something that they cannot explain. Now, I find myself saying the same thing.
There are no words for this.
All I know is that, I'm feeling the same feeling I felt before. Hopeful... and still not expecting.
SIGH... how selfless could I still be? I thought I have nothing left to give.
"And all I know is, you've got to give me everything, and nothing less coz you know I'd give you all of me."
Wasn't it two summers ago when I can identify myself with Gwen Stefani's 4 in the morning?... That particular line hitting me right through the heart. I remember having to spend a few days at MCM delivery room for completion duty. I was content but not expecting. Then I'd go home late at night, dad would pick me up, and that song would play on the radio, and I would think of him. The tiring story went on and on.
SIGH... scary sigh this time.
I don't know what's with him. I don't know why I believe in him so much. Even before when I accepted the fact that he'll never be the man I almost want him to be with me, I never stopped believing he could change.
I know that there are some truths that I can only feel inside my heart. Maybe I do have a gift of seeing the better side of people despite their monstrosity. I have been warned that if I keep on being like this, I would end up hating the world.
There are no words for this. Time and again, I have heard people say that to explain something that they cannot explain. Now, I find myself saying the same thing.
There are no words for this.
All I know is that, I'm feeling the same feeling I felt before. Hopeful... and still not expecting.
SIGH... how selfless could I still be? I thought I have nothing left to give.
"And all I know is, you've got to give me everything, and nothing less coz you know I'd give you all of me."
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
choking up on my words
"Heaven knows, I'm head over heels and it shows. I played every field I suppose."
What does playin' every field means for me?
Here's the thing... I am bittersweetly choking up on all the words I said. I had to follow my heart again... my ever dysfunctional heart! Now, I'm swallowing everything that I pronounced... both well and ill feelings, all the periods, commas, question marks and exclamation points... even the sighs! I am gobbling them up as fast as I could just so I could get it done and over with.
It's liberating and hurting at the same time.
Much as I like to put and end to this, I just can't. As far as I am concerned, what is happening now is far from being over.
The only way out of it is through it. There's just no turning back.
Oh... I didn't know I have a thing for boldly facing bedlams. I could be in for another great downfall and here I am, audacious and adamant.
And it's all because I wanna save myself from all the what ifs again.
I am so holding on tight... thought I was getting trampled by a dozen horses. Now I see I am being stepped on by hundreds.
Oh well... There's still tomorrow. I'll keep on trying and trying again to make things right. :'( Gotta stand by the decision I made.
What does playin' every field means for me?
- being truthful about what I feel
- sharing a part of myself even though I have long forgotten how
- lowering my pride and humbling myself in the process
- allowing myself to be happy and trusting
Here's the thing... I am bittersweetly choking up on all the words I said. I had to follow my heart again... my ever dysfunctional heart! Now, I'm swallowing everything that I pronounced... both well and ill feelings, all the periods, commas, question marks and exclamation points... even the sighs! I am gobbling them up as fast as I could just so I could get it done and over with.
It's liberating and hurting at the same time.
Much as I like to put and end to this, I just can't. As far as I am concerned, what is happening now is far from being over.
The only way out of it is through it. There's just no turning back.
Oh... I didn't know I have a thing for boldly facing bedlams. I could be in for another great downfall and here I am, audacious and adamant.
And it's all because I wanna save myself from all the what ifs again.
I am so holding on tight... thought I was getting trampled by a dozen horses. Now I see I am being stepped on by hundreds.
Oh well... There's still tomorrow. I'll keep on trying and trying again to make things right. :'( Gotta stand by the decision I made.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
at the time
You know that feeling when you know you are needed but you won't be needed for too long?
I am feeling that again. It's always like this when I am happy.
SIGH... 'di bale na. At least I get to be happy once in a while. At least hindi lang puro kamanhidan nararamdaman ko diba?
So I'm like playing my part again... It's like the silent guardian of the charcoal tower all over again. I have to be devoid of feelings soon and just satisfy myself with looking from afar.
People always leave... and I let them. :(
I am feeling that again. It's always like this when I am happy.
SIGH... 'di bale na. At least I get to be happy once in a while. At least hindi lang puro kamanhidan nararamdaman ko diba?
So I'm like playing my part again... It's like the silent guardian of the charcoal tower all over again. I have to be devoid of feelings soon and just satisfy myself with looking from afar.
People always leave... and I let them. :(
Saturday, April 18, 2009
trampled
Feeling eager, I forced myself not to look but I did. There was nothing. I told myself time and again... I just could not get enough. I had to be sure.
Then I felt it. Stomach spasms again!
In deep water? Quicksand?
Nope... but I've been in both.
More like being trampled by a dozen horses.
Will I ever get out alive?
I am inside my casket though. :) I just might make it.
Then I felt it. Stomach spasms again!
In deep water? Quicksand?
Nope... but I've been in both.
More like being trampled by a dozen horses.
Will I ever get out alive?
I am inside my casket though. :) I just might make it.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Growing Up
Warning: medyo long entry. drama moment e.
This morning, over breakfast, my brother was telling me the highlights of his week at school. (He took the last exam of the quarter yesterday thus, he felt free as a bird. He was so ready to slack around and get lazy!)
I noticed that his voice sounded different. It was so LOW... I wondered when the changing of his voice started. It was like I didn't take the time to notice. Or I just thought I knew him too much that a change of note in his voice didn't bother me that much, but this morning, it caught my attention. Then when he stood up to replenish his glass with water, I took note of his sky rocketing height(okay, so that's exaggerated).
It was after noticing the change in my brother that I started thinking of my other siblings as well. Gel-gel sat beside me, looking sulky, feeling like she's forcing herself to move and hating the thought that she still had to go to school. From being my little, kikay, sister, she has become a little lady. All by myself, I marveled at her maturity at such an age (she's seventeen now), and I was convinced that she was a 22 year old trapped in a body of a 17 year old. Gone are the days when I used to freshen her up like a doll. She's even more fashionable than me!
Then I thought of Zsa-zsa... I used to call her my most immature sibling. Now struggling with school, my sister next to me, would be, hopefully, graduating soon. Although immature, we all call her, I had seen the improvement with her once naive thoughts. Even she was growing... and she was even better at growing than I was. Zsa-zsa can be more reliable when it comes to budgeting and the accounting stuffs. I am older than her, but I would wash my hands off that responsibility the moment I get the chance. Hehe. (come to think of it, parang mas immature pa ko!)
Then, I thought of ate Lara. For the last two weeks I kept mentioning that I was missing her. (Naiiyak ako.. kase miss ko na talaga sya. 'Di ko lam kung bakit.) She just got married. Before the wedding took place, I think letting go of her was as hard for me as it was for my dad. I know she's still my sister, and every time she comes here for a visit, it feels like nothing has changed... but little by little, I can feel something's changing. Maybe I'll write about it next time. One time, she went here wearing her new ID. It said her name was Lara T. Beato. I remember commenting to myself how ugly her name had become. Haha! I was just so used to seeing it as Lara Tedor. It was odd not seing the "TEDOR" anymore. Somehow, it brought a pang in my heart.
I thought of how we were. My siblings and I... when life was younger. My sisters and I all slept in the same room. We had two double decks facing each other. There were many nights before going to sleep that we'd have last minute gossips that would last for hours sometimes. We'd take a peek at who ever was speaking, even in the dark we thought we could see each others' faces well. (more tears, kakamiss!) Lahat ng galaw ng isa't isa mararamdaman mo kase nagiingay yung mga kama! :D
Every thing's so different now. Ate Lang's married... Zsa's always in Diliman. Gel always has a world of her own and Jett is so stubborn. My sisters and I don't sleep on the double decks anymore. We don't get complete during friday nights anymore. I used to feel content just having them around me...
With ate Lang married and all, I now take the responsibility of being the eldest daughter. Well, she will always be the eldest, but she doesn't live with us anymore, so I'm like the acting eldest child. I SUCK AT IT. I don't know how she did it all those years... being the eldest, and always knowing what to do, being so rational ever, being authoritative and assertive... I'm havin' a hard time. I hate it when dad reprimands me because of jett's carelessness. I hate myself for helping my sisters ask for dad's permission to go out on parties and the likes (I can't help fighting for the fun they want to have coz I felt deprived of it for so long and I don't want them to feel what I felt), in turn, I become accountable for all their actions. If they don't go home on time, ako lagot. ANG HIRAP. Ako lagi tinatanong.
Ganito pala feeling... but I know I will never experience half of what ate Lang experienced when she was still OUR guardian ate. I will never be like her. I'll never be as great. But that's not the point of this whole entry.
I just miss the way things are before. I just feel like life's moving on too fast. I know this is how it is when it comes to growing up.
I am happy with all that we have achieved... but I am also sad because we will forever be missing out on the things we used to do before. I wanna keep them forever with me... and I feel so helpless knowing too well that I cannot.
Sana hindi na lang kami lumaki. :(
This morning, over breakfast, my brother was telling me the highlights of his week at school. (He took the last exam of the quarter yesterday thus, he felt free as a bird. He was so ready to slack around and get lazy!)
I noticed that his voice sounded different. It was so LOW... I wondered when the changing of his voice started. It was like I didn't take the time to notice. Or I just thought I knew him too much that a change of note in his voice didn't bother me that much, but this morning, it caught my attention. Then when he stood up to replenish his glass with water, I took note of his sky rocketing height(okay, so that's exaggerated).
It was after noticing the change in my brother that I started thinking of my other siblings as well. Gel-gel sat beside me, looking sulky, feeling like she's forcing herself to move and hating the thought that she still had to go to school. From being my little, kikay, sister, she has become a little lady. All by myself, I marveled at her maturity at such an age (she's seventeen now), and I was convinced that she was a 22 year old trapped in a body of a 17 year old. Gone are the days when I used to freshen her up like a doll. She's even more fashionable than me!
Then I thought of Zsa-zsa... I used to call her my most immature sibling. Now struggling with school, my sister next to me, would be, hopefully, graduating soon. Although immature, we all call her, I had seen the improvement with her once naive thoughts. Even she was growing... and she was even better at growing than I was. Zsa-zsa can be more reliable when it comes to budgeting and the accounting stuffs. I am older than her, but I would wash my hands off that responsibility the moment I get the chance. Hehe. (come to think of it, parang mas immature pa ko!)
Then, I thought of ate Lara. For the last two weeks I kept mentioning that I was missing her. (Naiiyak ako.. kase miss ko na talaga sya. 'Di ko lam kung bakit.) She just got married. Before the wedding took place, I think letting go of her was as hard for me as it was for my dad. I know she's still my sister, and every time she comes here for a visit, it feels like nothing has changed... but little by little, I can feel something's changing. Maybe I'll write about it next time. One time, she went here wearing her new ID. It said her name was Lara T. Beato. I remember commenting to myself how ugly her name had become. Haha! I was just so used to seeing it as Lara Tedor. It was odd not seing the "TEDOR" anymore. Somehow, it brought a pang in my heart.
I thought of how we were. My siblings and I... when life was younger. My sisters and I all slept in the same room. We had two double decks facing each other. There were many nights before going to sleep that we'd have last minute gossips that would last for hours sometimes. We'd take a peek at who ever was speaking, even in the dark we thought we could see each others' faces well. (more tears, kakamiss!) Lahat ng galaw ng isa't isa mararamdaman mo kase nagiingay yung mga kama! :D
Every thing's so different now. Ate Lang's married... Zsa's always in Diliman. Gel always has a world of her own and Jett is so stubborn. My sisters and I don't sleep on the double decks anymore. We don't get complete during friday nights anymore. I used to feel content just having them around me...
With ate Lang married and all, I now take the responsibility of being the eldest daughter. Well, she will always be the eldest, but she doesn't live with us anymore, so I'm like the acting eldest child. I SUCK AT IT. I don't know how she did it all those years... being the eldest, and always knowing what to do, being so rational ever, being authoritative and assertive... I'm havin' a hard time. I hate it when dad reprimands me because of jett's carelessness. I hate myself for helping my sisters ask for dad's permission to go out on parties and the likes (I can't help fighting for the fun they want to have coz I felt deprived of it for so long and I don't want them to feel what I felt), in turn, I become accountable for all their actions. If they don't go home on time, ako lagot. ANG HIRAP. Ako lagi tinatanong.
Ganito pala feeling... but I know I will never experience half of what ate Lang experienced when she was still OUR guardian ate. I will never be like her. I'll never be as great. But that's not the point of this whole entry.
I just miss the way things are before. I just feel like life's moving on too fast. I know this is how it is when it comes to growing up.
I am happy with all that we have achieved... but I am also sad because we will forever be missing out on the things we used to do before. I wanna keep them forever with me... and I feel so helpless knowing too well that I cannot.
Sana hindi na lang kami lumaki. :(
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
when will it be me?
i don't know what to say first... is there really something to say?
i wanna make things happen instead of letting things be.
does life have to be so complicated for me to be happy?
here i am again. i just want to sleep and never wake up.
ang bigat. 'di ko lam kung bakit.
i don't wanna lose faith. i'm just tired of life saying "NO" to my desires. i don't know what to like anymore. lahat na lang ng gusto ko parang ayaw ni God para sa'kin.
i am so lost. :'(
i wanna make things happen instead of letting things be.
does life have to be so complicated for me to be happy?
here i am again. i just want to sleep and never wake up.
ang bigat. 'di ko lam kung bakit.
i don't wanna lose faith. i'm just tired of life saying "NO" to my desires. i don't know what to like anymore. lahat na lang ng gusto ko parang ayaw ni God para sa'kin.
i am so lost. :'(
Monday, March 16, 2009
scared of feeling happy
It was odd.
I slept late, woke up after only three hours of sleep... and I felt good.
Good? Actually, good is an understatement. I was feeling happy.
I stopped believing in letting things happen. Just when I lost my faith in that, things started happening and I am surprisingly liking it.
It's different this time. I felt light.... calm and content. I was happy and there was no added stress to cross it out like before.
It's all good right? ... but I feel like stopping myself from being too enthused...
...because more than anything, I am scared that this kind of happiness might turn out to be short lived again.
*could it be i'm suffering, because i'll never give in?*
I slept late, woke up after only three hours of sleep... and I felt good.
Good? Actually, good is an understatement. I was feeling happy.
I stopped believing in letting things happen. Just when I lost my faith in that, things started happening and I am surprisingly liking it.
It's different this time. I felt light.... calm and content. I was happy and there was no added stress to cross it out like before.
It's all good right? ... but I feel like stopping myself from being too enthused...
...because more than anything, I am scared that this kind of happiness might turn out to be short lived again.
*could it be i'm suffering, because i'll never give in?*
Thursday, March 12, 2009
bitter gourde
I had them for breakfast...
All the bitterness spilled in my mouth. I could smell it... I could see in my mind its green color dissolving around my tongue. like poison, i could only grimace while i savor all its taste.
for a few minutes there, i could have thought eating it was pure torture... but in my mind, i know it will be good for me.
just like letting you go. so bittersweet... but definitely right for me.
And I feel lucky to know it. :)
All the bitterness spilled in my mouth. I could smell it... I could see in my mind its green color dissolving around my tongue. like poison, i could only grimace while i savor all its taste.
for a few minutes there, i could have thought eating it was pure torture... but in my mind, i know it will be good for me.
just like letting you go. so bittersweet... but definitely right for me.
And I feel lucky to know it. :)
Sunday, March 08, 2009
good intentions
SIGH... don't know what kind of sigh that was.
I just have this heavy feeling within me... because I did something that I know is right. Just the same, I feel sorry and bad.
Despite all my bitterness to those who hurt me, I never had any intentions of hurting them back.... revenge isn't a good thing as I've always known. Besides, I believe in karma... I always leave it to God to give people what they deserve.
So this is how it feels like... I feel really awful. I'm so used to being hurt but getting someone hurt by me is something new to me. Not a good feeling at all.
This is how things have to be. I don't know if I should believe him or not, but up to the last minutes of all honesty ( I suppose), I felt he was telling the truth and I felt like crying with him. There was nothing I could do. I could go on being giving and patient but I would only be lying to myself... and I don't wanna live in a lie.
I hate myself for being a little nice. I can't help but care... even for those who have hurt me. I don't care if they deserve getting hurt too... I just hate playing the destroyer part.
I just feel really bad... then again, we all have to move forward right?
I sincerely hope he moves forward too... like what I did when he left me hanging by the moment.
I just have this heavy feeling within me... because I did something that I know is right. Just the same, I feel sorry and bad.
Despite all my bitterness to those who hurt me, I never had any intentions of hurting them back.... revenge isn't a good thing as I've always known. Besides, I believe in karma... I always leave it to God to give people what they deserve.
So this is how it feels like... I feel really awful. I'm so used to being hurt but getting someone hurt by me is something new to me. Not a good feeling at all.
This is how things have to be. I don't know if I should believe him or not, but up to the last minutes of all honesty ( I suppose), I felt he was telling the truth and I felt like crying with him. There was nothing I could do. I could go on being giving and patient but I would only be lying to myself... and I don't wanna live in a lie.
I hate myself for being a little nice. I can't help but care... even for those who have hurt me. I don't care if they deserve getting hurt too... I just hate playing the destroyer part.
I just feel really bad... then again, we all have to move forward right?
I sincerely hope he moves forward too... like what I did when he left me hanging by the moment.
Friday, January 23, 2009
ang kahulugan
Ang hirap ng may inaantay. Yun bang 'di mo alam kung kelan talaga darating... kung anong araw at kung anong oras.
Hindi naman sa pinangakuan ako... pero sinabi lang. Sabi sabi lang. Sapat na ba yon? Na maniwala ako sa sabi lang? Kapag ipinangako ba, iba mararamdaman ko tungkol sa pagaantay? Siguro. Kase pag may kasamang pangako, may panghahawakan ako. Hindi gaya nitong wala, hindi ko malaman ang dapat gawin. Kung dapat bang 'wag na lang ako maniwala, o umasa akong darating nga.
Mahirap kase yung pabigla bigla. Yun ngang alam mo kung kelan eksaktong darating, kakabahan ka pa e. Lalo naman yung biglaan. Masakit sa puso. Sa pagkakataong ito, ayaw ko mabigla. Gusto kong maging handa.
Ang dami ko kaseng inaantay. Hindi nauubos. Nakakapagod. Nakakatakot.
Wala naman akong magawa kundi mag-antay pa rin. Kainis.
Hindi naman sa pinangakuan ako... pero sinabi lang. Sabi sabi lang. Sapat na ba yon? Na maniwala ako sa sabi lang? Kapag ipinangako ba, iba mararamdaman ko tungkol sa pagaantay? Siguro. Kase pag may kasamang pangako, may panghahawakan ako. Hindi gaya nitong wala, hindi ko malaman ang dapat gawin. Kung dapat bang 'wag na lang ako maniwala, o umasa akong darating nga.
Mahirap kase yung pabigla bigla. Yun ngang alam mo kung kelan eksaktong darating, kakabahan ka pa e. Lalo naman yung biglaan. Masakit sa puso. Sa pagkakataong ito, ayaw ko mabigla. Gusto kong maging handa.
Ang dami ko kaseng inaantay. Hindi nauubos. Nakakapagod. Nakakatakot.
Wala naman akong magawa kundi mag-antay pa rin. Kainis.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
friends and heartaches
my mom was browsing through the channels late last night. she came upon the movie "separada" which starred maricel soriano and edu manzano. as it turned out, instead of sleeping early as planned, mom and i ended up sleeping at around 1 in the morning. we got so hooked!
the movie made me realize the value of true friends and how made up my mind is when it comes to dealing with all the "monsters" in my life. (those who know me well would know what i meant by monsters.hehe). maricel was an ordinary wife, with all the humane imperfections and edu was the jerky husband who cheated on her. he left his family to be with his very demanding mistress. i was so affected! if i were to meet a girl like that, i swear i would have to give her a slap in the face! hehe... like i said, i was super affected!
i tried hard to prevent myself from ranting and using all the bad words i was thinking of because i was watching with my mom. (well, i should try harder next time, i couldn't resist expressing nasty side comments.sorry, tao lang.) as the story went on, i couldn't help thinking about my own experiences with monsters as well. i don't need to be married to know how painful it is to be cheated on. i kept only to myself, the things i would do if i am to be placed in maricel's situation, and all the things i would say... and surprisingly, she said all the things i had in mind! i could also relate to the way she dealt with her broken heart. she turned to her friends, who, although had problems of their own, found ways to laugh her problems off. minus all the drinking, i have gotten over a heartbreak that way too. it made me realize how important real friends are. (i thought of T.A. and all the times that i became thankful i was born because i got to know them).
it was amusing... to see myself in someone else's face no matter how different our personalities and roles in life are. in a way, some of my friends' silly questions were answered. to the question, "would you give your ex-boyfriend another chance?"... answer: NO. he can't just leave me for someone else and come back anytime he feels like it. haha. i've never been so sure about it, but after last night, i was 1000% sure. it felt great! and once again, i've realized how wonderful life is because of my friends who shared all my pain. giving them my thanks wouldn't be enough to show how lucky i am to have them.
because i was once again inspired by my forever friends who helped me get through so many heartaches, i wanna share a wonderful quote about the therapeutic value of friends...
"as long as there are good friends who tap your back for all the cute and sweet concerns, heartbreak will just be an ant bite. "
true enough. that's why i am here...still single for more than three years, but not feeling lonely, happy just to be with me, content to be surrounded by the ones i love and by those who love me. :)
*love you t.a.! sa mga maaasim, comlec, wonderwall, gape, bea, hannah and mark, aizzicles and my family... thank you for making my life meaningful.lahat ng monsters sa mundo kaya kong talikuran basta nasa tabi ko kayo.*
the movie made me realize the value of true friends and how made up my mind is when it comes to dealing with all the "monsters" in my life. (those who know me well would know what i meant by monsters.hehe). maricel was an ordinary wife, with all the humane imperfections and edu was the jerky husband who cheated on her. he left his family to be with his very demanding mistress. i was so affected! if i were to meet a girl like that, i swear i would have to give her a slap in the face! hehe... like i said, i was super affected!
i tried hard to prevent myself from ranting and using all the bad words i was thinking of because i was watching with my mom. (well, i should try harder next time, i couldn't resist expressing nasty side comments.sorry, tao lang.) as the story went on, i couldn't help thinking about my own experiences with monsters as well. i don't need to be married to know how painful it is to be cheated on. i kept only to myself, the things i would do if i am to be placed in maricel's situation, and all the things i would say... and surprisingly, she said all the things i had in mind! i could also relate to the way she dealt with her broken heart. she turned to her friends, who, although had problems of their own, found ways to laugh her problems off. minus all the drinking, i have gotten over a heartbreak that way too. it made me realize how important real friends are. (i thought of T.A. and all the times that i became thankful i was born because i got to know them).
it was amusing... to see myself in someone else's face no matter how different our personalities and roles in life are. in a way, some of my friends' silly questions were answered. to the question, "would you give your ex-boyfriend another chance?"... answer: NO. he can't just leave me for someone else and come back anytime he feels like it. haha. i've never been so sure about it, but after last night, i was 1000% sure. it felt great! and once again, i've realized how wonderful life is because of my friends who shared all my pain. giving them my thanks wouldn't be enough to show how lucky i am to have them.
because i was once again inspired by my forever friends who helped me get through so many heartaches, i wanna share a wonderful quote about the therapeutic value of friends...
"as long as there are good friends who tap your back for all the cute and sweet concerns, heartbreak will just be an ant bite. "
true enough. that's why i am here...still single for more than three years, but not feeling lonely, happy just to be with me, content to be surrounded by the ones i love and by those who love me. :)
*love you t.a.! sa mga maaasim, comlec, wonderwall, gape, bea, hannah and mark, aizzicles and my family... thank you for making my life meaningful.lahat ng monsters sa mundo kaya kong talikuran basta nasa tabi ko kayo.*
Monday, September 29, 2008
wake up call
hmm... just when i let myself think about it... BOOM!
I tried arranging some of my stuff and lo and behold! i found my old first aid kit, the one i used way back in health care 1. well, there's nothing left that can tell you it had been a first aid kit.
Thank God i kept some things... they don't hurt me the way they did before, but i still felt an ache. enough to remind me that he gave up on me more than once.
wake up call it was. whatever was i thinking?
"sorry if i forget what you're worth"...
right. that's all it took to take the ache away.
I tried arranging some of my stuff and lo and behold! i found my old first aid kit, the one i used way back in health care 1. well, there's nothing left that can tell you it had been a first aid kit.
Thank God i kept some things... they don't hurt me the way they did before, but i still felt an ache. enough to remind me that he gave up on me more than once.
wake up call it was. whatever was i thinking?
"sorry if i forget what you're worth"...
right. that's all it took to take the ache away.
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