Reasons in my sighing world

"heart of mine, how will you keep from dying, stop reminiscing...heart of mine,someday you'll find another, no one can mend you now..."
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Sigh...welcome to my sighing world!
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Reasons

I woke up this morning looking for reasons for me to write...
but I lost my reasons a long time ago.
The morning broke away
and I am feeling emptier than ever.
Empty?
How long have I felt this way?
Long enough...
long enough for me to know
I'm in for a game of chance.

Everything is so crazy now...
I thought I was ready to sail
I was ready to make it
or break it
to win it
or lose it.

How can things go right?
I'm tired of crying each and every night.
The tears I shed
silent, subtle and loud
were bitter tears.
How can I live again?
I've been feeling dead for so long.
How can things go right?
How can my life go right?

I lost my reasons a long time ago.
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Wala lang, feel ko lang magdrama this Saturday morning. I feel so empty... Lord please take the emptiness away.

The prayer meeting last night was overwhelming. It was good that I was touched again by the Holy Spirit and that I was filled with God's love. I need His love so much, I know I won't be needing anybody else's love other than His. "... I could sing of His love forever... nothing compares to the promise I have in Him..." I attended the prayer meeting alone, it was cool. I get to emote all by myself. I could fully relate to the song "You made me live again". When will my heart stop from breaking?

Sigh... my life is just so senseless right now. How can things ever go right? I lost my reasons, I don't know what I'm looking for. The week passed by quickly. I wasn't looking forward for anything. Midterm last week was a disaster, I already got the results of some of my subjects. I did good... Three more painful subjects to go... I'm not expecting to pass in Health Economics, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Sigh... I didn't know the weekend would be so hard for me to go through. I turned down invitations of badminton games for what? For a call (and text for that matter) that never came.

I was hurt, and I was tired of waiting. But then, I was still cool. Cool! What a great word!

Then Sunday came, and I was so anxious than ever. I waited, waited and waited, for something that never came. The people left me alone in the house. I was going crazy! I couldn't bear the hurt and loneliness anymore. All this waiting for nothing was driving me mad. I felt so unloved... the feeling was so strong. I know he doesn't love me as much anymore...look at how he leaves me hanging by the moment each time. Then suddenly... I just snapped. I was praying to God to give me the strength to give up everything now. I couldn't take the pain any longer, I felt so taken for granted.

I had a heavy day. I was crying the whole afternoon, and when my time for service came, my eyes were swelling.Cool! I was the saddest girl in the world, and I know the world doesn't care.

He called that night... and I was decided, if not totally ready, to break things off with him. I promised myself I wouldn't cry while I talk with him, but I did. I did, and it was shameful.

Our conversation ended with us still being the us. I wasn't ready to really let him go... and he did ask for a last chance. He said things that hurt me...I was right... his love for me was wavering. I wish I could've uttered the same words...but I know deep within me that it wasn't what I'm feeling...was feeling.

And now, I'm taking the chance again. I don't know if I made the right decision... forgive me Lord for being so weak. I still love him so much... I couldn't let him go.

Sigh... the week passed by quickly... (or have I written this line earlier?) And I tried my best to think of him less, keep myself busy with not so important things... but I am so weak. Thoughts of him have so much power over me. Hahahaha! I could laugh right now because I don't what to feel, and I don't know how to express my sadness except by letting my tears flow.

I'm really in for a game of chance that is not really so much of a game. My life is like a joke that seems true! Hahahaha! I don't know what I should do.

I wish things about us would fall into place soon... for the meantime I would indulge myself in prayer...and sigh, sigh and sigh, and sigh all over again.