I'd like to know

I can stare at you for hours
and share nothing but my variety of sighs.
This is what time has for me.
A colorless void is eagerly swallowing me whole.
I try to move
but their voices keep me where I am.
I try to be free
but my feet stay stuck on the ground.

I don't know how you do it.

I hide beneath this undaunted facade.
You can stare at me for hours
and would not even know
that I'm slowly, painfully dying.

I don't know how you do it.

I don't know how you can stand it.

I wish I didn't leave my dream.
I wish I was in that place where my only responsibility
was to breathe.

I wish I could move on from this place.
I wish I could go on to some place
where my pleas could be heard.

Please tell me how you did it.

I'd like to know how to stop feeling this way.

Like all hope is lost.
Like there is nothing good left on earth.
Like there is no place where I belong.

I'd like to know how you don't feel any hurt at all.

Going mad

"...and some kind of madness has started to evolve." - Muse

I feel so hopeless that I don't wanna wake anymore.  That's the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning.  Even now that the day is starting to end, I have to purposefully lose myself in a song to keep me going... 

Aaaahhh... this is indeed madness. :( 

I'm at the point in my life where everything is held within a big pause. Everything, as in everything, is on hold.  If I were at the middle of a river, and I had to get to the other side by using boulders as a path, then I would be at the point where the boulder path ends.  I have to wait for the river to calm down before I can finally crossover. 

They say there is always hope... though I can't seem to find even a glimpse of it, I have no other choice but to press on. There's no looking back now. I need to chase my dreams and I will die trying.

I can't let whatever kind of madness I am feeling take control right? 

the answer for now is no

Those who choose to give up will always fail. 

And so the night starts again... I cannot cry anymore.  :')

I was angry at Him for saying no.  I asked Him why He was so selfish to me...  why I was not as lucky as the other people around me... why no matter how good I try to be, it seemed never enough.  I was so consumed with all the hurt I was feeling... I was on the verge of giving up.  I said some things that created a pain that was greater than my own.  

Then I realized and asked myself back... Why was I so selfish? I was not the only one suffering.  Why does no matter how He blesses me with things that I need, I still do not feel as lucky as the other people around me? Why, in spite of His enduring mercy, do I not feel loved enough?... 

I do not know.  I am hurting that I disappointed all those who believed in me and in what I can do... but most of all, I am hurting because I disappointed myself.  : ( 

I lacked faith... maybe all this that I am going through is a test.  I know it is.  Maybe God wants me to go the long way for me to be sincerely grateful... maybe He's telling me I need to rely and trust in Him, and not depend on myself... because I sure cannot succeed without His help. He knows better than I.  I keep telling other people that His plans are far more better than what we want for ourselves and so I am telling that to myself now.  Even though it hurts... The day will come when all the reason behind this pain will be revealed.   

The one lesson I learned from this experience is that, I was wrong in thinking that I am not loved.  That I was wrong in thinking God is not at my side for not hearing out my favor.  

You know what I got from my failure?... Tight hugs from my loved ones.  Words of love and encouragement... and most of all, the assurance that one of the most important people in my life will also not give up. : )

So I fail now... but I will not give up.  I am sorry Lord for giving in to my anger and for being weak.  I trust in You, I will always trust in You no matter how painful it is to follow Your will. 

lost road

" Reading all the signs along the way...knowing where I am , not what they say.  My destination's closer day by day, so I can't be concerned with the other side of the road." - The Highways of my life, The Isley Brothers
Except that I do not know where I am, nor can I say that my destination's getting closer.  I am no where half where I want or need to be. :( The other side of the road isn't too far.  I can hear everything that they say...
I know it's the new year, and that I should not start my year being so negative about life.  It's just that sometimes, no matter how you purposefully avoid something you mostly fear, you still end waking up having the same nightmare.  
It will almost be a decade since I last found refuge in that song... the highways of my life by the isley brothers.  It was when a dreadful nightmare came to life, and I did not know how to calm myself.  I think that I might have been too young, but nonetheless, I was the one who brought that nightmare upon myself, so I've only got myself to blame.  
Now the one thing that I fear... is it coming after me again?  Is life really that cruel or am I just willing it to find me?  
I can't concern myself with the other side of the road.  Much as I want to, I need to move along and reach what should be the end of the road that is meant for me.
I can just imagine myself in a deserted beach at night time... just offering up all my sighs to the stars... just staring up at them until my eyes get dry.  I will not care if sand comes flying around me, making me the greatest mess there is... I long for that feeling of total abandon, where I can just feel calm and easy.  
"So I can't be concerned... with the other side of the road..."   

" And from the ballroom floor, we are in celebration. One good stretch before our hibernation.Our dreams assured and we all will sleep well... sleep well...sleep well."

And I stare at you... looking exactly the way I remember you staring at me.  Same year huh? Couldn't be a more perfect time to taunt me and my quintessence.  :'(

I had the strangest talent... spinning pens through my fingers...  as if the greatness of the moment depended on the green Parker and my shaking hands.

Oh dear.

"You have stolen my heart."

I knew why they had to be called Dashboard Confessional...

'Coz if I were pouring my heart out with all my confessions while driving... and everything is a bitter blur like this... like big raindrops are getting in the way of my already feeble sight... I would have then and there straightly knocked my head unto the dashboard.

Ha-ha...right.

"You have stolen my...heart!!!"

Yeah...singing it away! : ' (

The Weekend that was

I can say that it was one of the most tiring weekends I have experienced in my life.

Tiring in a sense that I have to forget myself in order to be strong for other people.  I constantly had to remind myself that the weekend was not about me, but it was about them (the participants that we were serving) and it was for the Lord and not for me.  

I couldn't remember praying that long for anybody else in my entire life.  I didn't regret that I spent most of my time inside the vigil room... it was probably what I needed the most.  It was like being in a different place... full of hope and forgiveness.  

When I got there, I didn't know what to feel.  I was totally clueless as to what my purpose was.  Every time I had the chance to be alone, I kept ranting to God that I totally didn't know what I was doing in that place... how was I going to be any help at all?  What was even my purpose? How could someone like me, with a life so messed up as it was, be exactly of a great intercessor for other people? It was scary... talk about feeling so unworthy! No, I knew I should not be there, but God put me there.  I was supposed to be learning something. But all I felt was the fear of failing everyone especially myself. : (

The weekend got by and many said that we did a great job.  I admit that I didn't feel that I deserved the credit because I wasn't able to help in all the preparations.  All I know is that I tried to help in the best way I could and that is enough for me.

The participants were touched like I was a year ago when I attended the Singles Encounter Weekend. You could see it in their faces.  So I was like that a year ago... so refreshed... like nothing could break my recharged spirit.  Teary eyed but definitely feeling worthy of God's love. 

I wish I was in their place... because I feel just the opposite.  Like I said, my life is so messed up.  I am currently in a phase where I don't know where to go... where everything is easier said than done.  I have lost direction.  The more I try to look for a road I should walk on, the more God is telling me to stay put.  Or maybe I am just not listening enough... or maybe... He's just not answering me yet because it is not yet the time to answer.  

Quoting pat... "Is it wrong to want something so bad?" 

No, I don't think it is... but I know how it hurts when what  you want so much is the one thing that God doesn't seem to want to give to you.  

I don't know why I had to be at the SEW the weekend that passed.  It was partially fulfilling to see that I have been part of helping other people realize how much God loves them.  At the end of the weekend, the only thing I could commend about me is that I had thought more of others than I thought of myself... I realized I can be unselfish if I will it.  Other than that... I just feel empty... a bit sad even.  As if the culmination of it all... left a void in me that can never be filled. : (

Why am I feeling this hopelessness? Like I am never going to be happy? : ( 

5 minutes after christmas eve

A little girl is in trouble... She's all by herself in the middle of a hanging bridge. A bridge that she knew and depended on for so long. She needed to make her way through and make it at the end to be home just in time for Christmas when suddenly the bridge threatens to give way.

No matter how the little girl holds on, it will only be a matter of time before the bridge falls away. :(

*That's when I'll know... **

No Competition

I can't believe I let myself get affected about the things I hear... and not see.

I've seen this before... I would stay up late giving myself something to be anxious about. I would ache like the most miserable person. What's with me and pain?

Or maybe people sometimes just intend to make a big deal out of things... just to see if it would break me or not. They are curious if I could handle myself graciously or if I would just lash out and make a fool out of myself.

Thank God I handled that well.

Instinctively I made an effort to find proof... and what I found out could only make me laugh.

Seriously now? :D

Oh... people and you. Why, oh why? Haha.

When it turns out too good to be true...

I wish I was still in Caramoan where my only problem was where to put the next meal I am about to eat.

I had a great time. Thanks to Mhay, Dy and Ellie. I felt rewarded. I deserved the break. I did!. It was even more enjoyable knowing that my dad didn't make any side comments about checking my lifestyle. That trip was especially meant for me. :)

Would spend the day there just being care free. So what if I burned my skin? At least I was having a great time. I have gotten used to how the sea smells like. I especially miss how the 6pm night sky there made me feel. At about 6 pm thousands of bats would crossover the island of Caramoan main and litter the early evening sky. For me, it was always a time to stand still... look above (watch out for bat poop and pee, hehe) and reflect. It was so peaceful there. I miss the peace.

What have I learned? At work, I complain of physical pain due to long hours of standing, sometimes for having to extend our duty time for the name of being committed to my work. I get home feeling beaten and defeated. Asked myself a million times why I chose this profession... all I get is emotional and physical pain. How much senseless can my life get?

Then I go to Caramoan. I intend to take my time to enjoy. I did cliff climbing, snorkeling, swimming, and cam whoring. I climbed 500 steps in order to take a glimpse of a holy place. It was such agony... and super exhausting but I did it anyway. In the end I was also complaining of body ache. Every little bit of my body hurts.

That's when I realized how pain keeps me alive.

When I suffer I feel pain... When I take time to enjoy, I still feel pain. Pain keeps me alive. :(

Now after one week, it's back to work again. Back to reality... back to our never ending schedule mishap issues... back to hating suck ups and miserable people, back to my tiring life. Welcoming me back is quite a hard task. Wish I stayed in Caramoan for another week.

I can't keep running off, can I? This is my life. I can take a break once in a while, but I still gotta go back and live it.

Something about the trip made me want to not look back. To go some place else where I would find peace... where the hell will I find peace? I don't think I can handle any more bickering at work. Honestly, it's taking the life out of me. Horrible! People are so horrible! So many bad vibrations!

Then came weekend. Back to work. On call duty nurse of the day the first day back. Aaaaahhh!!! Excruciating! What have I gotten myself into? Well, I survived. Lived through it anyway. SIGH... Only a miracle can fix things. It is so out of my little hands. :'(

Spent my Sunday with Jon... and realized that despite his weird ways, the guy can actually make me feel at ease. It is overwhelming. He made me feel peace. :') ... and because the day with him was so great, when night came it had to end because I needed to get back to my life again. The peaceful streak never last that long. That's how life is. Pain keep us alive.

I think everything just got bottled up inside. Or maybe, I am just really stressed out. I know I can't keep on depending on him to find the peace I need... but it sure does feel good to feel him all the time, whether he's physically with me or not. So when I finally hear what I needed to hear from him, my heart melted. I thought my life isn't so bad.

Then came the next day.

I learned once again that pain keeps you alive.

" Don't say that you've been thinking, cause I know it's just the drink in you." - Sozzi

Haha. :) Oh pain, oh pain. :)

the bitter escape

I would never... oh but I did. :'(

It would never... but it did.

He would never... oh, but he did... he did. :'(

No I have that stomach spasm again...

" But will my heart be broken, when the night meets the morning sun?"- Carole King

Where art thou forgiveness? Where art thou loyalty? Where art thou dignity?

What are you? The most desperate lonely person in the world?!!

:'(

reliving grey's quote

"The truth hurts that's why we lie."- meredith grey, grey's anatomy

Is that why people say I love you when they really don't? Is that why people say forever because it really means goodbye?

Today must have meant something... but this day of great importance is not for me to claim, just mine for me to be thankful for.

Then I don't want to believe, but I am believing. I don't want to break, but I am breaking.

Could it be?

"When all is said and done, I'll just be a spec in the galaxy." - david archuletta

Your galaxy. :'(

whirlwind

It's been a long time...

I didn't turn my back to the person I really am. It's just that sometimes... even if I don't like to accept it, I am blinded and I tend to overlook the chances that are laid out in front of me. Sometimes I fall down and I feel like life does not give me much of a choice, even if it always does.

Yeah... I've been kind of busy. I've been busy trying to live.

"Talking to myself and feeling old..." - carpenters

Because I do feel old. I've come a long way and yet I've still got a long way to go.

Sometimes I just like to hit my head with a hammer to perhaps knock some sense out of me... What am I doing with my life? :'(

Some days I'm all about positivity. Other days I spell misery. I must have a manic-depressive disorder! Again... what am I doing with my life?

Darn.

All I can think of is find another way to live. How? That I have to think about too.

All I really want is what you've been saying all along.

Suddenly everything about my life does not matter. It's all about the deepest desire of my heart.

Then I do, then I don't. I feel, I don't feel. Life is fair, life is unfair.

I am twisted!

I know my struggles and confusion would lead me to achieving my end goal. So now I got to be who I am now... then who knows tomorrow? Things might get better.

NO. I am certain of it. Things will be better.

"You know it's love when you dream, a monster just swallowed you up and you don't wanna be saved." - alisha's attic

waves

I am not one who understands perfectly how electrocardiogram works... but in my mind, I can see what my ECG readings would look like at the moment.

Could ailing hearts ever find remedies through ECG?

Here's a not so comforting thought that always seemed to haunt me ever since i came to think about it...

That i always get left behind...
And that instead of a good reason why there's a need to wait...i might have been waiting in vain all along.

Or maybe i am just like everyone else. I want the same thing anyone would want.

Sigh...why all this gloom?

I fear being left behind again. I don't know if i would make it again. Everytime that happens,i am left with no choice but to make it. The pain is so tiring. I am not looking forward to feeling it again.;-(

Why am i like this? I'm in the middle of another struggle. When will i learn to love myself enough?...enough to believe that i will not get left behind and be forgotten.

"i am not one to complain..." oh i am not complaining.

This is a new revelation to me.

"... I love you more than i could ever promise."

And my repolarizations are abnormal than ever.

fading drops

what could be the most hurting thing?

it's like pretending i don't mind...but every little thing is an endless prick. a tiny puncture is made but the pain is radiating. and what if these accumulate, if not everyday... how about every other day? or after every two days or three days?

no... somewhere amidst my"choosing-to-be-happy" existence... there's gotta be a prick. even if "splendid" is the only way to go... there's just gotta be a downside. it's like fate is taunting me... " yes... go ahead love life. here is what you get."

and then i bleed. apply pressure to that tiny finger. use a sterile piece of cotton ball. press hard. sting. sting. sting. i go on keeping a straight face.

it is way more serious than obtaining my daily capillary blood glucose.

i bleed... no pressure can relieve the pain. it's like i just let myself bleed, allow all the blood to coagulate and get nourishment from it.

then i keep it from being given away. because i'd rather bleed than deal with all the hollowness without that seemingly insignificant prick.

mountain climbing

Oh the fates...

The future looks... PROMISING.

That's the first word that came into mind while I was answering our neuro-psych exam this afternoon.

It's funny because some part of me was screaming, " That is so not true!" I would like to listen to my very hopeful side telling me, "Of course... Things will fall into place. Keep the faith."

The future is promising. YES. Because I am successful at taking one step at a time. Even though my every day is as difficult as climbing a steep mountain, at least I'm moving. Oh I would hate to be stuck. The future is bright. YES. Because there are many wonderful possibilities that I am looking forward to. So unlike the person I used to be before.

The thirst for independence has greatly intensified. I need to be liberated from all the restraints that are paralyzing me. It's about time that I learn to answer for myself.

I would do with all the mountain climbing for the meantime... I know when I get to the top, it will all be worth it.

***YES. The future looks promising and bright, because despite all my struggles I have you by my side. :) ***

haunting nightmares

Your name will always haunt me.

You will always be the friend who became the fiend. :'(

everything and nothing at the same time

Of all the things I believed in...

So after trying to win over the struggles, I should have known it will still come to this. :'(

Tonight will be a long night... and so will be many nights after this. The thinking and pondering will seemingly come to no end.

This time... I would know how to get rid of all the whys. My heart already knew all of the "because"...

It still does not change the fact that I would rather want things to turn out the other way. :'(

You were the one I loved, the one thing that I tried to hold on to...

stretching p-a-t-i-e-n-c-e

So I found myself facing yet again, the unexpected.

I am contemplating very hard... if this unwanted emotion I am feeling emanates from a deep animosity towards myself... OR NOT. :)

You lack the big I. Intiative... Initiative!

I can't blame you for my mood swings... it's the freakin' hot weather. It must be the freakin' hot weather!

Tsk... better luck next time. I am the meanest when I am provoked. No kidding this time. :

LSS high

"My heart starts aching, my hands keep shaking and you know, you know, you know..."

Wiggling toes... beating heart... stifling giggles...

Yeah... so my shoulders and not hips move with the beat. ;)

"It would take a strong, strong man... to ever let you go."

brain damage

It's gotta be the brain, 'coz I have long accepted that my heart is dysfunctional.

"There are people, who say what you wanna hear. Even on a rainy day they'll tell you the sky is clear." -Brian Litrell

I don't know what to believe anymore. What's worse than having a malfunctioning heart? It's a super damaged brain. I am thinking but I cannot decide what to do.

My heart is just bursting with hurt. That is all I am feeling.

Like all I get from all my desolation... from all those pointless longings that had been the highlights of my days... are angry insights. Never mind that I said I love you. I am the villain... I deserve not to hear an "I love you back..."

Maybe I am really not made for this. I never get it right. :'(