Tired of loving him...

"Have you ever felt like you were tired of loving?"

An old friend had asked me.

I thought of all the times that I felt that way. I guess at one major point in my life I got tired of loving someone. The number of times I used the word "tiring, tired, tiresome" in my entries just to say that I was tired... but I never learned. The "tiring" tirade continued because I let it. I just didn't know when to let go. I kept losing in my silent wars because I let myself lose. In one way or another, I was just plain tired, so I went ahead, and allowed myself to die.

"Kilala kita... you dont' ask for too much. You can't blame us for trying to protect you because we don't want to see such a nice person like you getting hurt."

Another great friend recently told me that. I swear I almost cried when he said that.

I know right?! Or more like I don't know. Am I really?

Am I in another quiet battle?

Didn't I say I hate waiting? That I hate hanging by the moment.... because it's painful?

If waiting is painful, then I should stop waiting. If I am starting to feel tired, then I should take a rest.

Easier said than done. :'(

... because I wait for the people I love, and I pathetically, if not willing, then am most certainly ready to lose for them.

I don't know which is hurting more... my pride or my heart?

:'(

when it strikes...

when it strikes...

it doesn't matter if you're prepared or not. it's something you cannot fight.

it's something i wasn't able to fight.

SIGH... it struck.

I let it hit me.

I bagged happiness. haha!

Huh? ;)

now and then

*right now, face to face, all my fears, pushed aside... right now, I'm ready to spend the rest of my life, with you.* - crazy for this girl, evan and jaron

There's no turning back...

It's not like I want to turn back in the first place. I knew that when I felt like saying those words back, I was ready. Or so I thought. hehe.

SIGHing a happy, wondering sigh. Hahahaha! Finally, finally, finally... ;)

Here are the things that I'm missing:

• waking up without having to argue with myself if i should text first or not. (was always resigned not to text first)
  
• dedicating the cards i read to my non-existent special someone (it gives me the feeling of being in a natural high thinking that someday i might find someone who'd be worthy enough to be given those cards to.hopeless romantic i am!)
• thinking of only me... and me... and me... and just me... haha! selfish?!
• staying up late at night talking to myself, reflecting and dreaming by myself, and laughing and crying only to myself.
  
• not having to say the way i feel because i am not obliged to and nobody cares what i really think. (i am so fine with that)

Things I have to live with now:

• texting and pestering him anytime i feel like it with hesitation. (sorry, naninibago pa ko. cut me some slack!)
  
• giving the cheesiest cards i could find. (hahahaha!)
• thinking of me, him, me and him, and me with him. (dalawa naman, at least nag improve na, hindi lang puro sarili!)
• staying up late at night talking with him, reflecting, arguing and debating with him, dreaming with him, and laughing and simply feeling sad with him.
  
• the hardest thing: not being able to use the words "wala lang", "ewan", " hindi ko alam", "basta", and "secret" as answers to the most mind boggling and senseless questions of his.

The things that I'm missing... that's all they are. Missed...

The things that I have to live with right now... are better than those that I'm missing.

So when I said there's no turning back...

I really meant it.

*I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else but here...*

in danger

"Remember when you said that you would change? ... Don't let me down..."

Wasn't it two summers ago when I can identify myself with Gwen Stefani's 4 in the morning?... That particular line hitting me right through the heart. I remember having to spend a few days at MCM delivery room for completion duty. I was content but not expecting. Then I'd go home late at night, dad would pick me up, and that song would play on the radio, and I would think of him. The tiring story went on and on.

SIGH... scary sigh this time.

I don't know what's with him. I don't know why I believe in him so much. Even before when I accepted the fact that he'll never be the man I almost want him to be with me, I never stopped believing he could change.

I know that there are some truths that I can only feel inside my heart. Maybe I do have a gift of seeing the better side of people despite their monstrosity. I have been warned that if I keep on being like this, I would end up hating the world.

There are no words for this. Time and again, I have heard people say that to explain something that they cannot explain. Now, I find myself saying the same thing.

There are no words for this.

All I know is that, I'm feeling the same feeling I felt before. Hopeful... and still not expecting.

SIGH... how selfless could I still be? I thought I have nothing left to give.

"And all I know is, you've got to give me everything, and nothing less coz you know I'd give you all of me."

choking up on my words

"Heaven knows, I'm head over heels and it shows. I played every field I suppose."

What does playin' every field means for me?

• being truthful about what I feel
• sharing a part of myself even though I have long forgotten how
• lowering my pride and humbling myself in the process
• allowing myself to be happy and trusting

I know it may not be much... but all of that entailed effort for a person like me who likes to keep my real feelings to myself.

Here's the thing... I am bittersweetly choking up on all the words I said. I had to follow my heart again... my ever dysfunctional heart! Now, I'm swallowing everything that I pronounced... both well and ill feelings, all the periods, commas, question marks and exclamation points... even the sighs! I am gobbling them up as fast as I could just so I could get it done and over with.

It's liberating and hurting at the same time.

Much as I like to put and end to this, I just can't. As far as I am concerned, what is happening now is far from being over.

The only way out of it is through it. There's just no turning back.

Oh... I didn't know I have a thing for boldly facing bedlams. I could be in for another great downfall and here I am, audacious and adamant.

And it's all because I wanna save myself from all the what ifs again.

I am so holding on tight... thought I was getting trampled by a dozen horses. Now I see I am being stepped on by hundreds.

Oh well... There's still tomorrow. I'll keep on trying and trying again to make things right. :'( Gotta stand by the decision I made.

at the time

You know that feeling when you know you are needed but you won't be needed for too long?

I am feeling that again. It's always like this when I am happy.

SIGH... 'di bale na. At least I get to be happy once in a while. At least hindi lang puro kamanhidan nararamdaman ko diba?

So I'm like playing my part again... It's like the silent guardian of the charcoal tower all over again. I have to be devoid of feelings soon and just satisfy myself with looking from afar.

People always leave... and I let them. :(

trampled

Feeling eager, I forced myself not to look but I did. There was nothing. I told myself time and again... I just could not get enough. I had to be sure.

Then I felt it. Stomach spasms again!

In deep water? Quicksand?

Nope... but I've been in both.

More like being trampled by a dozen horses.

Will I ever get out alive?

I am inside my casket though. :) I just might make it.

Growing Up

Warning: medyo long entry. drama moment e.

This morning, over breakfast, my brother was telling me the highlights of his week at school. (He took the last exam of the quarter yesterday thus, he felt free as a bird. He was so ready to slack around and get lazy!)

I noticed that his voice sounded different. It was so LOW... I wondered when the changing of his voice started. It was like I didn't take the time to notice. Or I just thought I knew him too much that a change of note in his voice didn't bother me that much, but this morning, it caught my attention. Then when he stood up to replenish his glass with water, I took note of his sky rocketing height(okay, so that's exaggerated).

It was after noticing the change in my brother that I started thinking of my other siblings as well. Gel-gel sat beside me, looking sulky, feeling like she's forcing herself to move and hating the thought that she still had to go to school. From being my little, kikay, sister, she has become a little lady. All by myself, I marveled at her maturity at such an age (she's seventeen now), and I was convinced that she was a 22 year old trapped in a body of a 17 year old. Gone are the days when I used to freshen her up like a doll. She's even more fashionable than me!

Then I thought of Zsa-zsa... I used to call her my most immature sibling. Now struggling with school, my sister next to me, would be, hopefully, graduating soon. Although immature, we all call her, I had seen the improvement with her once naive thoughts. Even she was growing... and she was even better at growing than I was. Zsa-zsa can be more reliable when it comes to budgeting and the accounting stuffs. I am older than her, but I would wash my hands off that responsibility the moment I get the chance. Hehe. (come to think of it, parang mas immature pa ko!)

Then, I thought of ate Lara. For the last two weeks I kept mentioning that I was missing her. (Naiiyak ako.. kase miss ko na talaga sya. 'Di ko lam kung bakit.) She just got married. Before the wedding took place, I think letting go of her was as hard for me as it was for my dad. I know she's still my sister, and every time she comes here for a visit, it feels like nothing has changed... but little by little, I can feel something's changing. Maybe I'll write about it next time. One time, she went here wearing her new ID. It said her name was Lara T. Beato. I remember commenting to myself how ugly her name had become. Haha! I was just so used to seeing it as Lara Tedor. It was odd not seing the "TEDOR" anymore. Somehow, it brought a pang in my heart.

I thought of how we were. My siblings and I... when life was younger. My sisters and I all slept in the same room. We had two double decks facing each other. There were many nights before going to sleep that we'd have last minute gossips that would last for hours sometimes. We'd take a peek at who ever was speaking, even in the dark we thought we could see each others' faces well. (more tears, kakamiss!) Lahat ng galaw ng isa't isa mararamdaman mo kase nagiingay yung mga kama! :D

Every thing's so different now. Ate Lang's married... Zsa's always in Diliman. Gel always has a world of her own and Jett is so stubborn. My sisters and I don't sleep on the double decks anymore. We don't get complete during friday nights anymore. I used to feel content just having them around me...

With ate Lang married and all, I now take the responsibility of being the eldest daughter. Well, she will always be the eldest, but she doesn't live with us anymore, so I'm like the acting eldest child. I SUCK AT IT. I don't know how she did it all those years... being the eldest, and always knowing what to do, being so rational ever, being authoritative and assertive... I'm havin' a hard time. I hate it when dad reprimands me because of jett's carelessness. I hate myself for helping my sisters ask for dad's permission to go out on parties and the likes (I can't help fighting for the fun they want to have coz I felt deprived of it for so long and I don't want them to feel what I felt), in turn, I become accountable for all their actions. If they don't go home on time, ako lagot. ANG HIRAP. Ako lagi tinatanong.

Ganito pala feeling... but I know I will never experience half of what ate Lang experienced when she was still OUR guardian ate. I will never be like her. I'll never be as great. But that's not the point of this whole entry.

I just miss the way things are before. I just feel like life's moving on too fast. I know this is how it is when it comes to growing up.

I am happy with all that we have achieved... but I am also sad because we will forever be missing out on the things we used to do before. I wanna keep them forever with me... and I feel so helpless knowing too well that I cannot.

Sana hindi na lang kami lumaki. :(

when will it be me?

i don't know what to say first... is there really something to say?

i wanna make things happen instead of letting things be.

does life have to be so complicated for me to be happy?

here i am again. i just want to sleep and never wake up.

ang bigat. 'di ko lam kung bakit.

i don't wanna lose faith. i'm just tired of life saying "NO" to my desires. i don't know what to like anymore. lahat na lang ng gusto ko parang ayaw ni God para sa'kin.

i am so lost. :'(

scared of feeling happy

It was odd.

I slept late, woke up after only three hours of sleep... and I felt good.

Good? Actually, good is an understatement. I was feeling happy.

I stopped believing in letting things happen. Just when I lost my faith in that, things started happening and I am surprisingly liking it.

It's different this time. I felt light.... calm and content. I was happy and there was no added stress to cross it out like before.

It's all good right? ... but I feel like stopping myself from being too enthused...

...because more than anything, I am scared that this kind of happiness might turn out to be short lived again.

*could it be i'm suffering, because i'll never give in?*

bitter gourde

I had them for breakfast...

All the bitterness spilled in my mouth. I could smell it... I could see in my mind its green color dissolving around my tongue. like poison, i could only grimace while i savor all its taste.

for a few minutes there, i could have thought eating it was pure torture... but in my mind, i know it will be good for me.

just like letting you go. so bittersweet... but definitely right for me.

And I feel lucky to know it. :)

good intentions

SIGH... don't know what kind of sigh that was.

I just have this heavy feeling within me... because I did something that I know is right. Just the same, I feel sorry and bad.

Despite all my bitterness to those who hurt me, I never had any intentions of hurting them back.... revenge isn't a good thing as I've always known. Besides, I believe in karma... I always leave it to God to give people what they deserve.

So this is how it feels like... I feel really awful. I'm so used to being hurt but getting someone hurt by me is something new to me. Not a good feeling at all.

This is how things have to be. I don't know if I should believe him or not, but up to the last minutes of all honesty ( I suppose), I felt he was telling the truth and I felt like crying with him. There was nothing I could do. I could go on being giving and patient but I would only be lying to myself... and I don't wanna live in a lie.

I hate myself for being a little nice. I can't help but care... even for those who have hurt me. I don't care if they deserve getting hurt too... I just hate playing the destroyer part.

I just feel really bad... then again, we all have to move forward right?

I sincerely hope he moves forward too... like what I did when he left me hanging by the moment.

ang kahulugan

Ang hirap ng may inaantay. Yun bang 'di mo alam kung kelan talaga darating... kung anong araw at kung anong oras.

Hindi naman sa pinangakuan ako... pero sinabi lang. Sabi sabi lang. Sapat na ba yon? Na maniwala ako sa sabi lang? Kapag ipinangako ba, iba mararamdaman ko tungkol sa pagaantay? Siguro. Kase pag may kasamang pangako, may panghahawakan ako. Hindi gaya nitong wala, hindi ko malaman ang dapat gawin. Kung dapat bang 'wag na lang ako maniwala, o umasa akong darating nga.

Mahirap kase yung pabigla bigla. Yun ngang alam mo kung kelan eksaktong darating, kakabahan ka pa e. Lalo naman yung biglaan. Masakit sa puso. Sa pagkakataong ito, ayaw ko mabigla. Gusto kong maging handa.

Ang dami ko kaseng inaantay. Hindi nauubos. Nakakapagod. Nakakatakot.

Wala naman akong magawa kundi mag-antay pa rin. Kainis.

friends and heartaches

my mom was browsing through the channels late last night. she came upon the movie "separada" which starred maricel soriano and edu manzano. as it turned out, instead of sleeping early as planned, mom and i ended up sleeping at around 1 in the morning. we got so hooked!

the movie made me realize the value of true friends and how made up my mind is when it comes to dealing with all the "monsters" in my life. (those who know me well would know what i meant by monsters.hehe). maricel was an ordinary wife, with all the humane imperfections and edu was the jerky husband who cheated on her. he left his family to be with his very demanding mistress. i was so affected! if i were to meet a girl like that, i swear i would have to give her a slap in the face! hehe... like i said, i was super affected!

i tried hard to prevent myself from ranting and using all the bad words i was thinking of because i was watching with my mom. (well, i should try harder next time, i couldn't resist expressing nasty side comments.sorry, tao lang.) as the story went on, i couldn't help thinking about my own experiences with monsters as well. i don't need to be married to know how painful it is to be cheated on. i kept only to myself, the things i would do if i am to be placed in maricel's situation, and all the things i would say... and surprisingly, she said all the things i had in mind! i could also relate to the way she dealt with her broken heart. she turned to her friends, who, although had problems of their own, found ways to laugh her problems off. minus all the drinking, i have gotten over a heartbreak that way too. it made me realize how important real friends are. (i thought of T.A. and all the times that i became thankful i was born because i got to know them).

it was amusing... to see myself in someone else's face no matter how different our personalities and roles in life are. in a way, some of my friends' silly questions were answered. to the question, "would you give your ex-boyfriend another chance?"... answer: NO. he can't just leave me for someone else and come back anytime he feels like it. haha. i've never been so sure about it, but after last night, i was 1000% sure. it felt great! and once again, i've realized how wonderful life is because of my friends who shared all my pain. giving them my thanks wouldn't be enough to show how lucky i am to have them.

because i was once again inspired by my forever friends who helped me get through so many heartaches, i wanna share a wonderful quote about the therapeutic value of friends...

"as long as there are good friends who tap your back for all the cute and sweet concerns, heartbreak will just be an ant bite. "

true enough. that's why i am here...still single for more than three years, but not feeling lonely, happy just to be with me, content to be surrounded by the ones i love and by those who love me. :)

*love you t.a.! sa mga maaasim, comlec, wonderwall, gape, bea, hannah and mark, aizzicles and my family... thank you for making my life meaningful.lahat ng monsters sa mundo kaya kong talikuran basta nasa tabi ko kayo.*

wake up call

hmm... just when i let myself think about it... BOOM!

I tried arranging some of my stuff and lo and behold! i found my old first aid kit, the one i used way back in health care 1. well, there's nothing left that can tell you it had been a first aid kit.

Thank God i kept some things... they don't hurt me the way they did before, but i still felt an ache. enough to remind me that he gave up on me more than once.

wake up call it was. whatever was i thinking?

"sorry if i forget what you're worth"...

right. that's all it took to take the ache away.

keep running back to you

no matter how i try to change, something about me never leaves. there are just some things about me that i cannot let go of.

like the fact that even though i am so at home with writing my entries in my multiply site, i still feel more comfortable writing my heart out using my original blogspot blog. i'm just pretty sure no one would be reading my entries here but a few of those who really are interested about what's going on with my life. that fact makes this "sharing of random thoughts" more private.

the much awaited/feared review for the local nursing board exam already started this week. before i knew it, the week was over and i have the weekend to relax and enjoy.

i didn't expect it to be so tiring. not to mention, very very stressful and frustrating. first of all, i feel like i've learned nothing from all the years i studied nursing. second, i am so frightened of not meeting my loved ones' expectations of me passing the boards with just one take. it's just that they believe in me so much... i am not sure if deserve their faith. third, i am having a hard time studying. i swear! i am so disappointed at how bad i've become at it.

the moment i get home, i feel like the world is stumbling down on me. i am not that depressed... yet. i am wishing that i will never be. that wouldn't really help, right? i think i've been a bum for too long that having to wake up so early in the morning have become such a burden to me.

SIGH... and here i am sighing that not so good sigh again. i am having such a hard time. i am so afraid.

yet, here i am just standing not so still, but trying very hard to keep going. it is a bit early for giving up.

scared, scared, scared. i am just so scared.

i know i've failed for so many times before, but this would be one possible failure that i don't wanna make. don't know how i would handle it.

i wanna cry, but i'm too tired to do it.

friday afternoon

In an attempt to fix my life, I was very determined to finish the Luzon Tour in just one week.

Last week was not only physically tiring... There were moments when I was close to breaking down because of the panic attacks and all that time I tried sustaining a cool facade. Yeah, some people do make life hard for you. I can attest to that.

I tried getting all my cases signed last week, thus the task I termed "The Luzon Tour". It wasn't pleasurable at all. I had to go to Cavite and Bulacan twice, and the trip to Taal Batangas and back was too costly. I thought I should finish the task as early as possible so as not to cram when the nursing licensure exam draws near. Starting the task with high hopes, I fought all the negativity away. I didn't expect that the way would be easy, but I wanted to think everything would turn out okay in the end. There were numerous times that I found myself in frustrating situations and the last thing I wanted to hear during those trying times are words that would discourage me.

How much pain could I still take? I was disappointed to find out that the person I had faith in was the one who actually brought me down.

I am very sensitive when it comes to my dreams. Sure, I joke about it all the time, but deep inside, I am dead serious about doing my best to make them come true. Being a bum has deeply wounded my self-esteem and that fact alone added up to my never ending list of insecurities. I am desperately trying to fight the feeling off because I know it wouldn't do me any good. Despite of it all (my worries and fears), I still am aware of the fact that I have to go through being a bum first and eventually fulfilling my dreams. Although feeling a little depressed, I am more than hoping that I will become what I want to be.

So what do I do when someone actually says belittling words to me and in doing so, endangered the coming to life of my so called dreams? Is it enough to shove their words away and sleep like nothing happened?

I received hurtful words from a mentor who I thought had a good heart. I was more than offended. It was funny how she came to say all the things she said to me. She made a mistake... put her signature where it wasn't needed, gave me a problem to worry about, and blamed me for being so irresponsible when she had been the one who was careless! TALK ABOUT PROJECTION. That's defense mechanism working at its best. In tones of mockery, she said she could see what kind of a nurse I would be like in the future... HOPEFULLY... if I ever become a nurse. What hit me the most was the degree of certainty in her painfully modulated voice. I let her blab away... I was cramming daw. Inuna ko pa raw ang sarap pagkatapos ng graduation... blah blah blah!. I let her have her say and I stood there ignoring all the urge to cry. Kelangan ko ng pirma niya, sige lang. Pretending my soul wasn't dying of humiliation, I kept a straight face. Maybe my passive look provoked her? WHATEVER. The whole time she was lambasting me in front of some members of the faculty, I was telling myself I will be someone she will never be.

Those words really affected me. I contemplated on it for a few nights. It certainly didn't help uplift my hurting self. After crying it out, and sharing my hurts to my family and some close friends, the hurts lessened. Their words of reassurance are more than enough... and their love mattered more than anything else in the world.

Here are the things I learned after having been toppled down:

1. I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I will be a good nurse because it is my choice, and not because I just want to prove somebody wrong.
2. The opinion of others about me aren't necessarily true.
3. I must never lose faith in myself (as Elle Woods fashionably said it) no matter how people belittle or degrade me.
4. I should never give up on my dreams.
5. After stumbling, I must strive to get up. It doesn't matter how many times I fall... what matters is how many times I tried to stand up again. (Yan na! Ilabas na lahat ng quotes!)

Strange enough, after being down for a few nights, I am feeling much better. I end my entry with these words that I keep telling myself whenever I find myself uncertain about the future...

Things will be better. :)

time running and waiting

Since my friends aren't here yet, I took the liberty to drop by here to do a quick blogging.

We agreed to meet at 9 in the morning but apparently, they didn't take it seriously and deliberately woke up late. hehe... It's okay, really. I don't feel any bitterness, besides, I need this time to be on my own.

I am about to graduate. Twenty more sleeps and I will officially be an ex-student. YES... Finally... I would be able to say I am through with college. Although my parents' expenses for me would not stop there, at least they can be able to remove one child off their tuition fee list. Hehehe... you don't know how much it burdens me that they're still spending too much on me, when I am way, way,way an adult already. I am twenty four years old, instead of being independent (even semi-independent), I am still worthless and totally dependent on my parents.

The truth is, I have no idea what will happen next. The Board Exam seems so far away but I am really frightened about the thought that I have to take it.

Here's the plan...

After graduation, I plan to:

1. Enjoy the life of being a temporary bum ( I fervently pray that it will be temporary).
2. Go to all the shrines that I could go to... ask for all the divine intervention that I need.
3. Learn how to drive.
4. Look for and enroll in a review center.
5. Lose weight by exercising (good luck to me).
6. Catch up with old friends.
7. Serve, serve, serve, serve! (I miss serving in Church!)
8. Arrange the clothes and stuffs in my closet and shelves.
9. Blog and blog and blog all I want.
10. Convince my dad to let me find work perhaps?

SIGH... whatever will be, will be.

I am excited, freaked out... but definitely ready to take on the world.

in good spirits

long time no blog!:)

Right now, I am officially smelling the freshly cut grass in our lawn. Unlike last summer, I had been busy pulling out the weeds manually... this time around, my dad hired some men to mechanically cut the grass.Hehehe... no hard time for me then.

Life had been really busy lately. Seriously, I never thought I'd find myself too busy to even blog. There were nights when I was cursing my frustrations away (only to myself most of the time so as not to affect other people's good mood).

Yeah... I read my last entry here. It had been a tough ordeal. Not so tough, but at that time, I was really having a hard time. NOW, I can confidently say that I am way past that feeling. There isn't any feeling left, hehe.

YES. Mcflirt's DEFINITELY OUT OF MY LIFE. More than three months had passed and I haven't written a single entry about him. He just isn't worth writing about. Harhar! I am even way past getting over him. I've never been so happy.

The busy days helped me get through. Indeed, everything happens for a reason.

Here's to a new me. I am changing... because I need to, and I want to. :)

letting go

Hay... kaya ko pa naman...

I'm still hanging on, and I can see the light, little by little.

I'm learning how to close all my doors, and I am starting to finally turn my back.

I STILL RECALL THE WORDS YOU SAID TO ME...

"I'm not going to hurt you this time... This time, I will be more serious. Hindi ko sasayangin ang chance...Wag kang mawawala..."

IT'S WHAT YOU DID NOT SAY THAT SETS ME FREE...

"...hindi ko alam... ang alam ko hindi pa tayo nakasira na 'ko ng pangako..."

Conversations...

...just letting it slip by my head probably for the last time. Let's just say this is my way of really saying goodbye. It's best doing things the way I see fit.

The week had been really stressful. Aside from the fact that we had duties after lecture, I had to deal with something that really tried my patience... fiercely taught my eyes how to not cry and see... and bitterly taught my heart how to feel nothing.

The sleepless nights I spent during our sem-break?... I made up for it by sleeping my nights away. I slept, and slept, and slept. I slept early and woke up late. Hehe, I'd like to think I slept all my frustrations away.

SIGH... yeah, weary I am. Last night, I was to study for our maternal and child nursing comprehensive exam but I slept right after I ate dinner. I was just really tired. Lately, sleep had been my only relief to life's pain.

I wasn't able to study. I slept on. I woke up early at dawn... and looked up the stars instead. They were shining bright, and it's been ages since I last saw them here at the Bonifacio sky. I missed them badly... then, something hit me.

AND I WON'T LOOK BACK, AND I WON'T REGRET... SOMEDAY I WILL FORGET.

I went to the kitchen and prepared the things I needed. Got that thing which had been lying around for nothing...

THIS IS LETTING GO... THIS IS LETTING GO...

candles and matches...

and along with my deep sighs, and together with the endless twinkling of the stars...

I silently watched the smoke fly away from where it came from. The flames subtly consumed the thing... and I watched and felt him melt away.

THIS IS LETTING GO . THIS IS LETTING GO.

Yeah. It felt good.

*song of the moment: letting go by Sozzi... super nakakarelate sa lyrics...*