Mommy's shawl and other life lessons at 4 am

In a few hours time, I am gonna be at battle again, both with work and my inner demons.  I got at least two hours more for me to sleep, but I can't go back to slumber anymore.  My mind, yet again, is in overthinking mode.  I am trying to calm myself down by reflecting, and finding things to be grateful for. Thought of jotting my feelings away. 

When I learned I had to do surgery asap, I just said okay. I said yes, because my mind knew it had to be done, but my heart had not fully grasped the whole concept.  So I spent a few days after, being physically present, but my spirit, floating away somewhere. 

I always have a shawl with me. Protection for both the heat and cold.  This habit of mine, this need for this item of clothing, I got from my mom.  Young as I was, I adopted mom's habit of bringing a shawl with me everywhere I go. Too cold in cinemas? Use a shawl.  Sun too hot while walking? I got mom's shawl.  So when I had to leave Philippines and work in the middle east, it was just so fitting for Mommy to bequeath her shawls to me.  I have a few of my own, but mom's shawls are the real deal. Made of good quality, designs are intricate, while mine are cheap and not as functional as hers.  She invested in the legit ones, because she had to use them for formal wear. The number of times she needed it for Dad's work, and gatherings in Malacañan.  I am attached to these shawls, because they were given by my mom. 

So came one fateful Monday morning, my mind was afloat.  I left one of mommy's shawls on the bus I took, for work.  My heart ached, because I felt a pang, knowing I lost it.  Blamed my being mindless because I was too worried about having some malignancy and all that.  I am normally big about letting go of things that aren't meant for me, but this one, I just couldn't take.  It was something of my mom's and I couldn't forgive myself for it.  There was a nagging feeling inside of me, more of irritation and anger, that I lost it because I was so careless.  I was in a bargaining of some sort, knowing I had to let go because there was nothing else I could do, but still so upset with myself.

The next day, I was glumly waiting for the bus to arrive.  What happened next blew me away.  As the bus was nearing, just a few steps before it stopped in front of me, I could see mom's shawl at the front seat. It was hanging by the steel bar in front of the first seat.  I couldn't believe my eyes! When I entered the bus, I was like a kid, full of joy! I would have leaped if there was enough space! Haha! 

Then it dawned on me, how funny life works sometimes.  Reminded me of one of life's greatest lessons that I learned. To never ever force myself into something that's clearly stating I am not wanted... an opportunity, a person, a thing I most desire.  I should always be brave enough to let go. Just let go. Things that are truly meant for me, will find its way back to me, even if I don't do anything about it.  Again, what is meant for me, will never miss me. Or if it misses me, fate will always have a way of bringing it back to me.  

Thankful for the ways I discovered how to love myself. I learned that I should never settle for something less than I deserve. If I give someone my 100% and they can't give back the same,... I guarantee, I'll be walking out the door. I learned that I should not sell myself short.  I won't tolerate being taken for granted.  I should speak and say, "What you're doing is not okay." 

Time is the ultimate truth teller.  I am practicing the art of lying low, particularly in social media.  Has been my mantra for the year. Post less. Share less. The most sweetest moments need not be shared always in public. Based on experience too, I learned not everyone will be happy for you. Let others say what they want to say about you, even if there is no truth to it.  Time will inevitably tell the true story.  When the day of revelation comes, you would be glad you held your tongue.  

Refraining from being judgemental. I still find this difficult to do.  I need a lot of prayers for me to have patience and understanding, but yep.  I believe I will never know the extent of another person's feeling, because I do not know what's going on in their lives.  

Life is fleeting.  I should forgive while I can... be not afraid to love, when given the chance.  I should always live my life with arms wide open.  

*I was not able to finish this entry because time caught up with me. I had to prepare for work. Haha! 

** My surgery's biopsy result is negative for atypia.  I feel like I've been given a third shot at life. 

*** My sister gave birth to another beautiful baby girl.  With everything going wrong in my life, God gave me relief by bringing into this world, our Himig Feliz. 💚