snipping tool

 

That long huh?

Funny how random things just come up, and remind you of that which you'd rather forget.  

Recently having gone under the knife, I believe I am not willing to subject myself to more pain, whatever the kind may be, physical or emotional.  Last night was the worst. I was writhing in pain.  My fault for thinking I would be able to bear it without taking pain meds.  

It has been that long.  I would laugh about it, but even too much laughter would hurt me, right now.  

Some time in 2016, I was on my way to the bus stop. I was passing by the back gate of our work premises, and I was looking at the tree just before the gate.  With a heavy heart, I uttered some words with conviction. I try to be careful with what I say, especially when my emotion is extreme. Aside from regretting it, sometimes, I get terrified when what I speak actually transpires.  What I said that day, it was more of a promise to myself.  Self love at its finest. 

It did happen. Another example of how words can be really powerful.  

I guess... all's well that ends well. 

Wish I could say the same for my current predicament.  My one take from all of this, is that, life is too short to waste my time being upset over things I cannot control.  

My past did weigh me down, and I felt better after letting it go.  The future, my so uncertain future, is kind of bringing me down too, As I see it, I need to let it go too. 

Don't want to wait for another long period of time, and be truth slapped again by some random life event on facebook. Haha! 

Uh-oh. I can feel an incoming wave of pain again. The physical kind. My Diclofenac at the ready.  Let's call it a night, shall we? 

Heartburn

 Thought I felt nothing.

When I heard the words, and realized what needs to be done, my mind was abuzz.  I said okay right away. Didn't even think about it, I just answered, "Okay, let's do it." 

I've been putting off having myself checked, for so long. Alright, maybe because I was too afraid of what I would find out. It could also be that, I thought what I have is probably nothing, given the fact that my previous check ups didn't have significant results. 

Now this.  

Like I said, I thought I felt nothing. 

By nothing, I mean, my heart did not race.  The terms that I heard, did not sink in right away.  By nothing, I meant, I suddenly felt all my fears melt away.  What gives? Come what may.  I felt okay. Was I really okay? 

I can't bring myself to inform my family. Making them worry would also make me worry. Let me worry about myself then.  

Then it came. 

I thought it was a burp coming up. 

The rushing through my chest and throat was so nasty. I felt the left part of my chest burn. Like someone poured boiling water on it. I thought I would find a scald. I couldn't swallow anymore. My throat was on fire! Coughing it out made it worse. Tried dousing the fiery feeling by drinking water. It was futile. 

Heard my roommate call out to me and asked if I was just alright.  

I answered, but my voice was hoarse. 

It was the most terrible acid reflux I have ever experienced.  Left me feeling so uncomfortable the whole night.  

Did I repress my real emotion back then? It was as if my body knew better, it just had to find a way to express itself.  

I firmly believe God will not give me something I cannot bear.  

Whatever the findings may be, I will learn about it in the coming days... I know God will never let go of my hand.  He will walk with me all the way. 

I think I'm okay.  I think I'll be okay.  ☺